


Blood  X Sex  X Sugar X Magik

by PenniMorrow



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Character Study, Follows the plot, If HxH was seinen, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Alternating, Sibling Incest, Some Kite, Some biscuit, Some phantom troupe, Statutory Rape, Togashi might have gone there, Unhealthy Relationships, but still have some humor, it's not just dark, its a darker version, not for everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2020-10-20 12:50:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 93,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20675663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PenniMorrow/pseuds/PenniMorrow
Summary: What if, Killua wasn't just physically and mentally abused ?What if Illumi's love for his brother was more twisted ?This is a story that follows the plot but chooses to go way darker in how twisted Killua's upbringing was.It explores how different yet the same Killua would be and how it affects his interactions with other characters (namely Hisoka).It will definitely have some very dark moments, but it's not just dark. They will be lots of feel good friendship moments and even humor.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So...  
Yes, this story is 18+ and for people who understand this is fiction.  
This explores lots of unhealthy behaviors and relationships but tries to go beyond that. Very modestly.  
I'm sorry if it offends anyone, just remember, you can choose not to read. 
> 
> Also, I'm NOT a writer. I actually never writ. But this is helping me get through some stuff so it just came out and I felt like sharing it.  
So please excuse the amateurism of my style and there will probably be mistakes. (English isn't even my first language, so I might not even see them).  
Altho, I am trying to put the efforts not to leave any mistakes... (But I won't make myself go crazy over it. Let's meet in the middle).

**Chapter 01 - Forbiden Fruit - Heaven Arena part 1**

« A CLEAN HIT AND DOWN !! HISOKA WINS WITH A TKO —- A SCORE OF 11 TO 4 ! »

Gon had just lost his match against Hisoka. It had been an incredible match and Gon had managed to outsmart Hisoka for a clean hit. That made Hisoka so extatic.  
Killua had sensed that excitement and knew it wasn’t just about the fight… He knew how perverted that clown was…

Killua had never dared to approach Hisoka, he knew too well how powerful he was… And how much of a creep he was too… He had tried to stay low profile, but now that he was hanging out with Gon and they kept bumping into Hisoka, he started to observe the magician more intently.  
His power, his movements, his demeanor… There was something mesmerizing about Hisoka. He was impossible to completely grasp and that made him even more dangerous.

Killua was waiting on the roof for Gon to come out of the fighter’s locker room. They had decided they wanted to take in the view of the city for their last night in Heaven Arena. It was a beautiful view.

« Saw something you liked ».

Killua stiffened as he turned to see Hisoka, wearing his usual sly smile. What did he want ? Wasn’t his fight with Gon enough already ?

« I’ve noticed you were looking at me quite intensely during the match … So I got curious… What could the little Zoldyck want from me… ? »

« I think you must be mistaking… I am not interested in you » Killua wasn’t going to admit that he had been more intrigued by the magician. He haven’t gone around to what exactly was drawing his attention.

Hisoka was a professional liar and saw right through him, he approached dangerously and whispered in his ear « Could it be you are… curious about me little boy ? ».

Killua gulped, normally he would have jumped far away from him, but Hisoka wasn’t sending any murderous vibes. But his aura was overwhelming and the intensity of the words were suggesting something.  
« Wasn’t fighting Gon enough for you today ? I am not going to fight you Hisoka ».

Hisoka smiled and gave him a look that couldn’t be mistaken. « Who said anything about fighting ? I know you are off limit for me, Illumi made it clear, but if you are getting curious about me… then there is little I can do to resist… »  
He was saying what he though he was.

« You are delusional if you think I have any thoughts of… » He didn’t want to say it. Part of him still wanted it to be his imagination.

« Yes ? ». Now this was getting interesting.

« …of playing with you »

« How cute ! Is that what you call it when you are with big brother ? »

Killua’s eyes widened and he felt a bead of sweat roll slowly down his neck. What ? Did Illumi… ? What did Hisoka Know exactly ?

Oh, Hisoka was ecstatic. That panicked face was priceless. Illumi hadn’t said anything, but it was more than obvious this child hasn’t been a child in a long time, that Illumi’s blinded love for his brother wasn’t innocent. He had been looking for a chance to confirm it, and that look just did.

« You haven’t seen your brother in a while now… Do you miss him ? Is that why you were looking at me ? Did I remind you of him for a few seconds ? »

« Shut up ! » Killua felt his stomach turn and couldn’t stand being here anymore. He needed a way out. He wished Gon would arrive already, he couldn’t deal with this conversation any longer.

Hisoka wasn’t going to let him go off so easily, he got him where he wanted him.  
« I personally wait for my preys to grow strong and powerful just the way I like them… Gon is still so pure and I do want to bite into him right now, but I’d spoil my pleasure wouldn’t I ? I would break him if I did. » Those last words gave Killua chills down his spine.  
« Illumi wasn’t able to wait for you wasn’t he ? You must be soooo tasty » His index was now tracing a line up Killua’s arm. « But you didn’t break did you ? You are still growing strong. Hmmm. What an interesting fruit that makes you» His fingers was now caressing his toned muscles. Killua was too in shock to do anything, his voice was hypnotising him and he didn’t know how he was able to freeze him like that. His body was reacting all the wrong ways, wasn’t he trained to run from these situations ? Yet his touches tickled him and made him react… What was wrong with him ? This was Hisoka.

« Illumi is quite possessive isn’t he ? He wouldn’t like it if I touched you like I am doing right now. It would make him sooo angry. But I am not the jealous type, I don’t mind that Illumi played with you before as long as you are not a broken toy. » Was he trying to get to him to piss off Illumi ? Was that his goal ? To make Illumi go after him ?  
As if he knew what he was thinking he bent down to whisper in his ear « But we could also keep it a secret, our little naughty secret, if you don’t want big brother to find out. I’ve been interested in Gon and you for a while now, but you never returned my feelings unlike Gon who gave me a little preview of our future encounter. But the wait is so long, while you on the other hand… You seem to know the game already don’t you ? And you were curious when you saw me fight Gon, weren’t you ? Tell me little boy, when did you learn to play ? »

And that triggered Killua out of his frozen position, he shoved Hisoka away. « Creep ! You are crazy if you think for one second I would let you touch me like that ! You are not coming near Gon and me ever again. » He was breathing heavily now, trying hard to convey confidence while his insides were crumbling. He was giving him a murderous look yet it was hard not to see panic in them.

That made Hisoka eyes dilate with lust. « Oh Killua, you do know foreplay don’t you ? I didn’t think you could get this… yummy » And it was obvious he had a full erection.  
Killua knew he had no real power against Hisoka and so he looked around him for any escape route.

But Hisoka raised his arms in a peaceful manner « Don’t worry, I won’t touch you if you don’t want me too. » and he looked him up and down lingering on his crotch « Or maybe you’ll beg me to ? »

« Leave ! »

« Hmm, call me a romantic, but I actually like it when the other is also enjoying himself, and I do want to see you have fun. » He started to turn around to leave « Well, maybe I am imagining things. But just so you know, I am around for a while longer here ».  
And just like he came, he left.

Killua was trying to find his composure, this whole conversation made him feel sick. The idea that Hisoka would want him like that never occurred to him. He always though that he wasn’t strong enough to be of any interest to him… But Hisoka wasn’t looking for a fight. And that made him shudder.

How did he know… ? Well, if he was just guessing, he sure confirmed it with his own reaction. Hisoka was smart and very perceptive. Killua felt tired from the tension and… no. He didn’t feel anything else.  
With that firm thought, he left the roof and went to find Gon. Gon would distract him and make this encounter feel like an old memory. He couldn’t stay there anymore, they could go see the view some other time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning ! This chapter contains explicit sex scene and child abuse. 
> 
> I aged Gon and Killua a little  
They are now 13. 
> 
> Oh and thanks for the kudos !  
Seriously ! Didn't think anyone would read this and actually like it !  
I had my first comment ever ! Yey !

**Chapter 02 - Efficient - Heaven Arena part 2 **

As Killua was going down the stairs, he bumped into Gon who was holding snacks and juice boxes. « Hey Killua ! ».

A candy bar fell on the floor. Killua looked at it, not really sure what he was focusing on until he looked up to see Gon apologetic face. « I’m sorry for taking so long… I had people who came to talk to me after the match ». He waited to get a reaction from Killua, but the young boy seemed lost in thoughts. « But I bought chocolate and candies to celebrate ! »

The match. _Right. _

Gon looked so happy, he was beaming. Killua took a deep breath. _Focus_. He made himself smile.

« Yeah ! I bet they didn’t expect a 13th year old to kick that old clown’s butt. You did great Gon ! ». He wasn’t pretending, he really was impressed on how Gon had been able to stand his ground and even take Hisoka by surprise. Gon’s unpredictability was becoming a great asset.

« I still lost though. » He didn’t seem disappointed the slightest. « So, let's get back up there ! »

Killua looked up the stairs and back at Gon. « You know, it’s pretty cloudy… Why don’t we just go directly to Wing’s place ? He wanted to see us after your match too ».

Gon looked a little disappointed, he wanted to go up there and talk some more with Killua. Just the two of them. But Wing-san and Zushi did want to see them. « Okay, I mean, the view is probably the same as from our room right ? »

« Pretty much ».

And they went back into the city, eating snacks, to Wing-san’s small apartment.

——

The whole walk to Wing’s apartment, Gon was talking frantically about his match and how hitting Hisoka made him feel like he could finally call himself a hunter. Killua just smiled and nodded. It was convenient to him that Gon was so chatty. It was the distraction he needed.

Wing and Zushi were both happy to see them. They welcomed them as usual. Wing wanted to go through Gon’s match, to test him most likely. He was still their teacher after all. After they dissected the match fully, Gon wanted to have one last training.

On Wing’s advice, he suggested they only practice Ten, Gon had a long day and he now needed to center his nen. Ten was the perfect exercise.

During their practice, Wing interrupted them : « Is something bothering you Killua ? ».

That took Killua by surprise, sure he wasn’t as concentrated as he normally is but he didn’t think it would have been noticed. His brief meeting with Hisoka did still shake him a bit. But spending the afternoon with Gon had calmed him.

« Hmmm, no’t really… I just feel off today I guess ».

Gon looked at him with curiosity, why would he feel off ? Did something happen ?

« Is it because of your fight tomorrow ? »

What fight ? Oh yeah, he had registered a while back. He definitely wasn’t thinking about it anymore, not even sure if he would present himself now that Gon had done what he sought out to do.

« Hmm maybe in a way. I guess I haven’t had as much exercise as I normally do and I just have a hard time… concentrating ».

Wing pondered the statement. « You have been watching fights more than participating in them it’s true. Well, I’m pretty sure your match tomorrow will go well, maybe you should take the rest of the evening off » Wing said. He clearly knew there was more to it, but the kid was an expert liar, if he didn’t want to talk, he wouldn’t be able to make him. That kid had a lot of bagage.

Gon also interrupted his Ten. He thanked Wing for everything and gave Zushi a big smile. « We’ll see you tomorrow before we go ».

Killua and Gon left to wonder around the city. The evening was nice, they went to eat at a fancy restaurant now that they had the money to. And Killua seemed to have relaxed, completely reverting back to his playful self.

It was almost midnight when they went back to the Heaven Arena tower. At that point, even though they both had their own room, they decided is was more fun to share. The rooms were too huge in Gon’s opinion to stay alone in them.

Once in their room, they quickly slipped into their pajamas not even bothering to shower. Gon had a long day and was sleep walking to the bed. Killua took his time, flipping nonchalantly channels on the TV to see if there was anything good on. He wasn’t feeling tired.

« Good night Killua ».

« ‘night Gon ».

And just like that, Gon was already snoring softly. Killua smiled looking at him, so pure… _Pure_, that’s the word _HE_ had used too… Killua huffed, it only took a second of Gon being out for him to think about that moment again. But he did envy Gon… He did wish he could feel as light as he did.

Not finding anything on TV, he decided to lie in bed, hoping with little conviction that he could fall asleep just as fast. He didn’t want to let his thoughts wander around so he took a magazine that was lying on the table and started looking at articles on tourist attractions in the surroundings. Heaven Arena being one of these attractions. Nothing particularly interesting seemed worthy of their time. He did start to wonder what would they do after Heaven Arena, or to be more accurate, what would Gon want to do.

Whatever it was, he would follow him, he had enjoyed his time with Gon. This kid always had fun ideas and he had so much contagious energy that it distracted him from any dark thoughts. He was quite remarkable, even with little fighting experience, he managed to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Learning nen was fun too and it was something else to train with someone, much more rewarding, with a little playful competition that made it just that more engaging. He wondered how long he’d be able to wander around with Gon when he saw _HIM_ in the corner of his eyes.

_When did he … ? _

« Illumi… »

« Hello little brother, it’s been a while ».

Illumi was there, tall and calm just like the last time he saw him. Acting like it was normal for him to be there, in his room, at night. He was scanning the room with his gaze, noticing Gon in the bed without paying too much attention to him.

Killua heart beat started to race, so many questions were popping in his head. _How did he find me ? How long has he been there ? How come I only noticed him now ? How did he even get here ? What does he want ? Is Gon safe ?_ As these questions were spinning in his mind he was looking for any clues to answer them.

_He probably came while I was lost in my thoughts. He probably found us just as Hisoka did, with his hunter license. The window seemed pretty easy to open, we are too high for anyone to think it needed more security. Gon was safe for now, Illumi didn’t have a threatening aura…_ But then, what did he want ?

He stepped down the bed, and felt silly in his pajamas with cats on them, but he tried to be as serious and menacing as he could « What do you want Illumi ? »

« I’ve missed you little brother… It’s been months since I saw you, and the last time, well, I was on duty »

He missed him ? That made him shiver a little, he didn’t want to think of the implication of those words, but at least he knew he wasn’t there to take him back home. If he was, he wouldn’t be taking his time, Illumi took his duty very seriously and didn’t waste a second and would use any method to get the job done. He had more than once suffered from Illumi's efficiency.

« So you are not here because mom and dad asked you to ? »

« You already know the answer to that Killu, I came here because I missed you » and he approached him gently, caressing his cheek softly, with the same empty stare he carried. Out of habit, Killua had closed his eyes. When Illumi wasn’t training him or taking him on mission, all of which were orders from father, he would always be touchy and soft with him like that. Almost as if he had two different personalities. At least he wasn’t spreading his malicious aura around, that would have woken Gon.

With that though he looked over at Gon to make sure he was still sleeping. Gon had barely moved since he fell asleep. That was good.

Illumi probably knew his train of thoughts when he said « If you want, I have a room on the highest floors ».

For some reason, Killua wondered why he would have a room here, had he been fighting ? That didn’t make much sense. But that also wasn’t the issue here. He knew where this would go if he followed him.

« What do you want Illumi ? »

« I just want to spend some time with my little brother » and he leaned to kiss him on the lips. Killua stiffened but didn’t step back. This always unnerved him, how he would let it happen every time. Trying to be strong, he pushed Illumi softly away from him. « don’t… » he murmured.

Illumi didn’t insist, he looked at Gon, this time fully inspecting him. That made Killua anxious, he knew that Illumi could change mood quickly and he knew he despised Gon for taking his brother away from him.

« Haven’t you had enough of your travels ? I was honestly surprised you would choose to come here after getting your « freedom »… Of all the places you could have gone ».

« We needed money, and training… »

« Yes, you did well this time, you did grow a lot in those months. I see you’ve acquired nen »

What did he see in his eyes just now, anger ? Disappointment ? He wasn’t sure.

« Yeah, I can’t believe you never thought me nen before… Everything you thought me is useless in front of a nen user ».

« Really ? I feel it was quite helpful in your fights. You know, in our household, every child has a training tailer made for him. You have incredible capacity and talent Killu, we didn’t want to take any shortcuts with you. »

« And it was easier to control me if I was left in the dark ». He didn’t care much that he didn’t get his license, but now that he had this chance to confront Illumi, he felt like making him see how resentful he felt of the way he treated him at the hunter exam.

« Yes, that was a non-negligible bonus ». It always annoyed him how Illumi never bothered to sugar coat anything. He didn’t mind admitting he had been controlling him, as if it was normal. As if this was what every older brother did.

His attention went back to Gon’s sleeping figure « He also grew stronger as I can see »

« Leave him out of this Illumi ». He wasn’t sure if Illumi was really threatening Gon, but the way he looked at him was unsettling. After his encounter with Hisoka, he strongly believed that Gon was off limit for Illumi just like he was off limit for Hisoka. They must have stroke a deal of some sort… It was only an assumption anyway and he wasn’t going to bet Gon’s life on it.

« If it wasn’t for Hisoka, we would have gotten a very painful nen baptism…»

« So I heard, Hisoka informed me of it »

So they had talked recently.

« What’s your deal with Hisoka exactly ? »

« He’s a useful acquaintance, we had on several occasion shared common interest… Why do you ask ? » He looked at Killua who haven’t been able to conceal his thoughts well enough « Has he touched you ? »

For a moment, Killua wondered if Illumi was stronger than Hisoka or if it was the other way around. The fact that he couldn’t tell said a lot, they probably were very close in strength… He didn’t really care if they fought each other to death, but it did bother him that it would make Hisoka happy… the real question being, would Illumi go after Hisoka or Gon ?

« What if he did ? »

He barely uttered that last word that the atmosphere of the room had tensed up. Illumi’s hair had began to float and Gon began to stir in the bed.

« He didn’t, Illumi, he didn’t ! »

Just as quickly the tension fell and Killua was able to breath again. He looked alarmed in the direction of Gon who had moved a little, it was a miracle that he hadn’t woken up. He must have been very tired.

Killua looked at the floor, he knew Illumi wasn't going to leave anytime soon and he couldn’t take the risk of Gon waking up.

« Lets go to that room you were talking about ». He couldn’t meet his eyes as he said it. He felt like a bug flying stupidly at a spider web. But he needed to get his brother away from Gon.

Illumi smiled. With those big empty eyes, it always looked weird. He guided his brother to the elevator.

_Tell me little boy, when did you learn to play ? _

As they were going up the elevator to one of the top floors, Killua was trying to answer that question in his head ? When had it all started ? He felt like Illumi had always been touching him and kissing him. It felt normal and mundane at the time. Normal had a different meaning in the Zoldyck mansion. It became whatever the powerful wanted it to be.

He did remember that Illumi came to visit him his first time in Heaven Arena. At that time, Killua would miss his older brother when they were separated for more than a few weeks. He had been struggling on the 100th floor and had lost that evening once again. He wanted to call his brother, he knew he’d come if he asked, but he didn’t want to tell him he had lost.

As he went back to his room, he found Illumi standing there. He had run to him ecstatic. Illumi had kissed him on the mouth as he often did when they hadn’t seen each other for a while. He then caressed him gently and embraced him, taking in his scent.

« I haven’t showered yet, I don’t smell very good ».

« Oh but you do. Step in the shower, I’ll wash you » And so he did. Illumi could be so delicate when he wasn’t training him, it made him feel special. He wasn’t like that with anyone else in the house. He washed his body like it was a piece of art that needed great attention and care.

As he helped him put on his pajamas and tucked him into bed, Killua was wondering how long he would stay.

« I came to see your progress, you are doing very well. Mother thought we were sending you too young, but you seem to prove her wrong. I am proud of you ».

Killua felt guilt build up, he had lost more than one fight lately, did Illumi not know ?

« It is normal that you would lose fights Killu, if you could get to the 200th floor without losing once, then it wouldn’t be a very effective training would it ? »

He sat down on the bed beside him and stroked his hair with his hand, Killua liked those gentle touches. Slowly his hand went down his cheek, his chest and then the hem of his pants. His hand had stoped there and he looked at Killua who looked back confused. He couldn’t resist that look, he grabbed his pajama top and pulled him into a kiss on the mouth, a little more intensely than the first one, Killua closed his eyes.

He slowly leaned him on the bed and kissed him on his cheek, his forehead, his neck, his chest and then once again stopped before getting too close to his pants and looked at him. Killua eyes were confused once more. Illumi sighed, he got up and was about to leave.

« Could you stay with me tonight big brother ? »

Illumi didn’t have any assignments, his father wasn’t expecting him until tomorrow afternoon. So without giving him any answer, he took his clothes off, leaving just a pair of boxer on, folded his clothes neatly and put them on the chair. he slid under the covers and took his brother in his arms. He stroked his hair until he had fallen asleep.

The next morning, Killua had woken up to an empty room. He almost wondered if he had dreamt his brother’s presence. As he got up to go the bathroom, he noticed a little box of chocolate on the table that wasn’t there the day before. He smiled and felt confident he would win his next match.

—-

They had arrived to one of the master’s floor. As Killua got in, he wondered if his brother had actually challenged a floor master, unless he had been one for years and never told him ? Until he noticed in a far corner, a human shape under a blanket. Efficient. If Illumi wanted a penthouse, he wasn’t going to bother with a tedious process, he would just go get it. It made him uncomfortable, he hadn’t killed ever since he left the house but he still felt partly responsible. Guilt, a new feeling he was experiencing ever since he’d been with Gon.

He tried to toss those thoughts behind him, just like his brother did with the corpse and focused on the penthouse suite. He had to admit, it was quite luxurious. He came from a rich family, but the mansion was dark and depressing. This was colorful and very modern. The elevator actually got you directly in a wide living room, with a huge open kitchen on the left. He didn’t care for the kitchen but it did look fully equipped with fancy machines that probably made different type of foods… He was impressed.

The living room a few stairs down, had a very classy fire pit in the middle. He wasn’t sure if it was real or just a decoration, but it did make the room look cozy. A huge TV that looked like it went in the floor when you needed the space was facing the designer couches and armchairs. On the right was a door that led to a training room and showers, from what little he could see.The very elegant stairs went to the bedroom. He wasn’t going to bother taking a look over there, he made it a point to stay on this floor.

The most amazing part was of course the windows, from the floor to the ceiling they gave an amazing view of the city. Lights glimmered afar so small. As Gon had mentioned, he did live high on a mountain, but the windows were small and the view was mainly forest and other mountains. It was beautiful, especially when the sun would rise or set, but there was something mesmerizing about looking down on a city, seeing people and lights so small below.

He was looking down trying to see if he could find Wings house from up here when he felt hands caressing him gently. He froze, not expecting him to try something so soon. Maybe if he let him touch him a little without reacting, he would leave him alone. That was wishful thinking as those long fingers found themself under his pajama top.

With little conviction, he tried to get away from him. keeping his eyes on the floor. Illumi seemed surprised and took his chin in his hand to lift his gaze at him. Killua felt uncomfortable, as he looked into those black eyes. They were usually so empty except when he looked at him like that. He was oh so special to him and he never knew why, but he did like it… once ? Illumi must have seen something that pleased him since he went and kissed him on the mouth with a little more force than he usually does. Killua gasped and that small opening was enough for Illumi to slip his tongue inside his mouth, invading him. Illumi did miss him.

Before he could stop himself, Killua was kissing him back. After a few seconds, his eyes popped open and he pulled away. Even though he was expecting it, he still had hoped he wouldn’t do anything. Because he knew he never was strong enough to stop it. He looked back at the city, trying to distract his mind from Illumi overwhelming presence around him. Illumi was caressing him again under his shirt, kissing him on his neck, shoulders and his collarbone. He did feel special with Illumi as he saw himself in the glass in front of him. That picture was odd wasn’t it ? This tall man with long black hair cascading down his shoulders, kissing that small frame in a kitten pajama. He did feel so small and vulnerable under his brother touches.

He didn’t realize it until too late, but Illumi was slowly taking him to the couch near them. Laying him down on the cushions so gently, like if he was made of porcelain. He didn’t stop the kisses as he started to unbutton his shirt to have more areas to explore. Killua felt stupid for wanting to avoid the bedroom, as if it did anything to change the situation. He was still trying to look at the windows, hoping by a miracle that someone would see him, and help him. Because he was afraid of his own feelings building up inside him. His own desire rising up again. And as if Illumi sensed that Killua was trying to mentally escape him, he caressed him down _there_, making him gasp in surprise and close his eyes to let that feeling take over. He was starting to feel too tired to resist.

Illumi went back to kiss him on the mouth and was happy to feel Killua just as eager as he was. Illumi was now pressing his own erection on Killua groin to entice him even more as the younger boy wrapped his legs around Illumi waist.

Illumi never spoke in these moments, as if they were both under a spell and a word, any word, would break it. In truth, he knew his brother by heart and didn’t need words to understand all the little signs his body was communicating to him. He knew his brother was eager for more now, that he had given up on resisting. And so he slowly took his pants down with his boxers. Killua was completely naked on the dark blue couch, his pale skins almost looked like it was glowing with the fire flame tinting him in light yellows and oranges. He had the perfect body, so toned, so delicate, the perfect mixture of elegance and strength. He took a moment to look at him in his glory. A pure Zoldyck.

Killua mind was dazed, he had a hard time focusing on anything as he felt his body going through so many sensation at the same time. Some where familiar and comforting, others felt somehow new. Was it because it had been so long ? Or because he had changed in the past few months ? He couldn’t tell but he had no time to think about it as he felt Illumi take him in his mouth. His back arched as he groaned with pure pleasure. He had forgotten how good it felt as without realizing it, he was trusting himself inside his mouth. Somewhere deep down, a feeling of discomfort was trying to come out but it would quickly leave him with each of Illumi’s trusts.

He was hearing a moan and realized it was him, he tried to bite his lips because his own moans were distracting him back to that feeling he was repressing. Illumi’s fingers found their way into his mouth and that distraction was welcomed eagerly. He sucked on them in the same rhythm as Illumi was sucking on him. And when his fingers were wet enough he felt an intrusion. Just like every time, it was uncomfortable at first and made him open his eyes wide until Illumi hit that spot that made him crazy. He let out a small scream, feeling overwhelmed. He felt himself getting close to a release… and then Illumi was out and had left his cock.

Killua opened his eyes again, confused, searching for Illumi as if he had left the room. He saw Illumi looking at him with so much lust, he couldn’t stop himself from blushing. It was those rare moment where he felt he saw Illumi core self, as if he was showing his weakness, him. But Killua understood, he wasn’t just lusting over him, he was asking permission. He always made sure he had some form of permission, putting the responsibility on his little brother. That short break was enough to make him come back to the reality of the situation. He wasn’t under his spell anymore, if he wanted, he could make it stop and Illumi would. He could put his pajamas back and go to his room where he could try to forget his sins, and become a child once more… As if it was possible.

When his focus was back on Illumi, he saw that his pants were off and he was casually putting lubricant on his fingers. He wondered what made him act so quickly until he realized he had nodded his approval. He didn’t have time to reflect on how his body had betrayed him once more as he felt a finger back inside him, strategically avoiding his sensitive spot. A second finger went in and then a third. It hurt… and yet, he enjoyed it. As he started to feel comfortable again, his fingers where gone and he felt _him_ inside. He was much bigger than his fingers had prepared him for as he whimpered in pain shutting his eyes. But just like that, Illumi was hitting his sweet spot and pain and pleasure were intertwined inside his body. Illumi was gripping his hips firmly so that he could trust in him slowly but strongly.

Killua’s mind was back in limbo, not remembering where he was or even who he was. Forgetting who was making him feel this way. He was probably moaning again but he couldn’t tell and didn’t care anymore. He felt fingers and kisses taking possession of his body and he was craving more. Then swiftly, a hand grabbed his erection and stroked him and it only took a few strokes for Killua to see white. He came all over his stomach, shuddering in sweet release.

As he slowly came back to his senses, Illumi was still trusting inside him, getting closer to his own release. Those few seconds felt like hours, he suddenly felt sick, that repressed feeling was now free to come out. He felt how wrong all of this was. He looked at their image in the window. It was the first time he felt that their size difference was wrong, odd since when it all started, the difference was even bigger. As Illumi trusted faster and faster, making it more painful for Killua, he felt his eye water… He had always felt confused when Illumi took him, always felt overwhelmed and out of control. But this time he felt something new… Shame and guilt.

He wanted to make it stop, « Illumi… Please »

And those words, made Illumi come so hard deep inside him. His heavy body then collapse on his small frame, dropping lazy kisses on his neck and shoulders. Killua was looking at the ceiling, feeling empty. His orgasm long forgotten.

Illumi pulled himself out while stroking Killua’s white fluffy hair that were now sticking to his forehead because of the sweat. Killua couldn’t bare to be touched at the moment, he quickly got up, not looking back and mumbled « I’m taking a shower ».

He tried to walk gracefully but he didn’t know if he would succeed since he did feel lingering pain. And then he felt it… Sliding down his thighs and he couldn’t get any sooner to the shower room.

Illumi had followed him, as per usual. He would always go with him in the shower, rubbing his skin clean, looking at the bruises he had left on him, even putting some balm on the darker ones. It was part of their ritual. When it was training or torture, Illumi was merciless, he was a machine with a mission to make Killua the strongest heir the Zoldycks have ever known. But when they were intimate, Illumi never liked hurting Killua and always made sure to clean and heal him.

Killua had to look at him this time to make him understand « I’ll shower on my own » and then he added « please... » He didn’t know why. He shouldn’t have to plea.

Illumi didn’t insist and he saw him go to the kitchen to fetch a table cloth just before he got in the bathroom and closed the doors. Locking it.

He went inside the shower, opened the water to burning hot, maybe the heat on his skin would distract him from his spinning thoughts. _Shame, guilt, confusion_… How did he get himself there again ? Why did he let Illumi win every time ? But if he was honest with himself, it was his own fault. _He_ was the one that followed him to his room, _he_ was the one that let him touch him with little resistance. And when he asked for permission, _he_ gave it to him. He loathed himself for being so weak, so messed up.

He had no excuses this time. When he was back home, all of this was « normal », he never really questioned it. Killing, torture… this game with his brother, he did feel uncomfortable if he was honest with himself, and he guessed not every kid went through that, but he wasn’t any kid. He was a Zoldyck and the heir. He somehow convinced himself that all of it was normal… _for him_. Until he left home, feeling a pressure he couldn’t take anymore. Getting outside had made him realize how messed up his upbringing was.

He had managed to stop killing, it had been surprisingly easy, he never really liked doing it anyway. And he thought that being with Gon would make him forget about the rest, the torture and _this_. Now he knew it was wrong, he _knew it_ when he was in the elevator, he _knew it_ when he was looking out the window. He _knew it_ when he was inside him.

He looked down the drain and saw the soap and semen leaving his body and - _blood_ too. He felt sick. He had only left Gon side for barely an hour and that’s where it got him. _Gon_. Every time he though of Gon, the feeling of shame would overtake him and his eyes would water. He let a few tears fall… Might as well join the rest.

He wanted to go back to their room, he needed Gon’s presence desperately, he knew it. Gon was his anchor to reality, Gon was his guide to real normalcy. As he scraped his skin to rub the sensation of filth on him, he promised himself he wouldn’t let it happen again.

_Tell me little boy, when did you learn to play ? _

Why was that question haunting him ? He didn’t know when it had started… What did it matter ? Somehow, he felt he had always been Illumi’s. Even before he touched him, Illumi’s aura was always all around him, claiming him jealously. And just like he couldn’t figure out how it had started, a dreading feeling told him that he couldn’t guaranty when, _or if_, it will end.

Feeling like the energy had been sucked out of him, he left the shower. He wrapped himself in a towel and opened the door to find Illumi, all dressed up, sitting on the couch, facing the bathroom, loyally waiting for him. He had somehow hoped he would have left, like that time when he was 7 and he left him those chocolates.

He didn’t understand what Illumi's eyes were saying. What did Illumi want ? What was he thinking when he was looking at him like that ? But he knew, he knew Illumi was deep down far more simple than he wished him to be. He wanted him to harbor the same confusing feelings as he did, he wanted him to question the normality of their relationship. To feel just as guilty as he did. But he didn’t. Illumi… loved him and wanted him. It was just as straightforward as all his other actions and words.

Killua heart sank inside his chest, he felt so tired and his room, even though only a few floors below, seemed so far now. He wanted to crawl into Illumi’s arm, fall asleep and forget everything, As wrong as it was, as shameful as he felt, he did feel safe in his brothers arms, he did know he loved him more than he should.

He summoned the little strength he had left to take back his pajamas that his brother had neatly folded on the chair next to him. He turned his back while he was dressing up, trying to hide himself. He knew it was stupid and his brother was probably looking at him thinking « too little too late ».

Once he was fully clothed, he took a deep breath and marched in direction of the elevator, feeling Illumi’s eyes on him the whole time. He didn’t have the courage to look back. As he entered the elevator he said « Don’t follow me ». And just before the elevator closed, he heard Illumi’s answer « I won’t ».

He walked to his room, feeling defeated and sore… Didn’t he have a fight tomorrow ? What time was it.

The room felt so small now… He sighed in relief when he saw Gon exactly where he had left him. He crawled in bed next to him. He wanted to stroke his hair, but didn’t dare. Gon was too pure for his touches. He had an innocent grin on his lips. He probably was having nice dreams. He felt like crying but was too tired to let anything out.

Gon was pure… And he would do everything he could to protect him.

And he finally closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never saw Illumi as inherently evil.  
I think like most abusers, he is also a victim of the vicious cycle.  
Does it make it right ? Hell no !  
Does it make it more interesting and realistic ? I think so. 
> 
> Let me know what you think !


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will never be grateful enough for the kudos and comments !  
Thank you !
> 
> As you may have noticed, I tweak the canon plot to fit my story. 
> 
> This chapter start with Gon's POV.

**Chapter 03 - So sweet - Heaven Arena part 3**

Gon had woken up that morning feeling happy. He was still floating on that successful feeling he’d been carrying around him after his fight with Hisoka. Sure, he had lost and he wanted the fight to last longer, but it was a rewarding match none the less. And to be completely honest, he was very eager to fight him in the future. He didn’t expect to feel this sort of rush, Mito-san always told him fighting was bad and he wasn’t a violent person by nature - But still it _was_ exciting.

He looked at Killua who was oddly still asleep. Did he stay up late on TV last night ?

He really enjoyed Killua’s company, he knew so many things and would pick up on things Gon never thought about. And he was incredibly strong, he knew he payed his dues to get that strong, but the result was impressing. Having a partner like him made his adventure that much more fun.

Gon wanted to find his father and was ready to do anything to make that happen, he wasn’t expecting to have company on his journey. It was not planed, but it was so much welcomed. He didn’t know he’d feel so attached to Killua so quickly. He wondered how long Killua would tag along and he was hoping he was enjoying himself just as much as he had. After all, so far, they pretty much did things for Gon’s sake. Was Killua satisfied with their journey so far ? He’d have to ask him.

He looked at the time and was surprised. It was 10 am ??? How did that happen ? And most importantly, how come Killua wasn’t awake yet ? He never overslept, he always woke up before him and Gon sometime suspected he didn’t sleep at all. It really was odd. But then again, he looked peaceful, and he still had time before his match.

Gon decided to go take a long overdue shower. Maybe the noise would wake Killua up. As he showered himself, he was trying to think of what to do after Killua’s last match… Wing and Zushi wanted to see them before they left. If they found something interesting in the area they could stay a little longer, they still had the room.

He finished his shower, wrapped a towel around his waist and took a second one to dry his hair who were slowly rising up again as they dried. When he came out, Killua was still fast asleep… Well, he had to wake him now.

« Killuaaaaa !! » He shook him « Your match is in less than an hour now ! Wake up »

Killua stirred in bed, he was groaning unhappily. What was up with him lately ?

« Killua, you have to get ready, I really want to see you fight ! »

Killua eyes popped open and he looked around him frantically like he was wondering where he was. He never thought he’d see Killua be so disconnected… Had he been this deeply asleep ? But when his eyes fell on Gon, he relaxed and gave him a sheepish smile. « ‘morning Gon »

« Killua, I never saw you this unguarded when sleeping, do you feel sick ? »

Killua gave him a side look as if he was wondering what to answer.

« I don’t think so, I don’t get sick… I’m immune to pretty much anything. I just, had a hard time falling asleep… »

And that’s when Gon noticed it « What’s that on your neck ? »

Killua pulled a hand on his neck and had a horror look for a fraction of second, Gon didn’t miss it. But then he got up and looked at it in the mirror, surprised at the mark on his neck.

« Oh… I don’t know… a spider bite maybe ? ». He looked pretty unsure. 

He didn’t know what to make of that answer. He knew what a spider bite looked like and he didn’t feel it was it… but they where far from Whale Island and the nature he was familiar with. Maybe it was specific to a specie in that area. And maybe that’s was the reason Killua felt tired and off- ?

« Do you think it’s poisonous ? It could explain why you were sleeping so deeply ».

Killua automatic response came « I’m immune to poison... » and he stoped to think for a moment « well, I mean… maybe who knows. I could still have some sensitivity to it. »

With that last comment, Killua had dropped the subject. He looked at the time and went to get dressed in the bathroom. 

That was also new. Killua wasn’t shy…

He started getting dress himself, deciding it wasn’t important why Killua changed in the bathroom. He put on his usual outfit, it took him a second. Killua always took more time as he seemed to always wonder what to wear. He sort of liked that about Killua, how he would change outfits all the time and dared some weird clothing some time. It made Killua look cool. He sometime wished he changed it up too, but his green outfit was too comforting. Mito had made it for him… He wouldn’t feel himself without it.

Killua came out wearing a black turtle neck with long sleeve and light grey pants. It amazed him that in this heat, Killua could wear something like that and not sweat. Did he also learn to control his body heat ?

As they were heading out, Gon noticed something on the table. « Hey, look Killua ! Chocolates ! » A small box of chocolate was on the table next to the window. Killua looked at it in silence, his eyes serious. « It’s odd, I don’t remember seeing chocolate on the table last night, then again, I was really tired. »

Killua didn’t say anything. He was unreadable. Gon continued « Do you think it’s like those complementary chocolate they put on your pillow in fancy hotels ? I always wondered about those. I’m glad they didn’t put it on the pillow tho, I would have squished them ahah! » And he looked at Killua with a big grin.

Killua hadn’t moved one inch until he blinked and smiled at him. He gave a small chuckle. « I would have loved to see you wake up with chocolate all over your face ».

Gon pulled out his tongue and threw the chocolate box at him. « I don’t think we have time to eat breakfast before your match, you can have them. I’ll grab an orange juice in the machine. »

Killua didn’t argue, Gon knew he liked those chocolate more than himself. He wasn’t much of a sweet tooth, he liked healthy food and Mito’s home-cooked meals the most. He was eager to see Mito again, maybe that’s where they… or _he_ should go after the match… Would Killua want to come ? Would he find it boring ?

As they walked to the arena, Gon couldn’t help to give side looks at Killua. He seemed normal again, but they had been odd moments. He knew it was hard to get Killua to talk, so he tried to guess « Are you worried of your upcoming fight ? »

Killua seemed genuinely surprised at that question. He looked up with a finger on his chin as if trying to find an answer « I don’t really know who I am up against to be honest, didn’t really take time to think about it. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure I was going to go to that fight »

« Really ? Why not ? »

« Well, we did what we came here to do… So I don’t know, I just thought there wasn’t much point to it… I thought we would have left by now ».

Killua really was something else. He was such a powerful fighter for his age, yet he didn’t seem to care. He didn’t really seem to get thrilled of the idea of fighting as much as he did. He had a different posture on the ring. He was nonchalant, and liked to surprise his opponent more than actually fight them. His favorite move was pretending he was a fragile kid. The only time he saw him eager to get stronger is when he learned about nen and felt it would give him a chance against Illumi. 

Gon never saw their interaction, but he knew Illumi held a power over him and anything that reminded him of his brother would stir something inside his friend. Just like Hisoka did. He noticed Killua would stiffened when Hisoka's name was mentioned. Maybe Hisoka was making him just as uneasy as his brother did. Maybe that’s why he wanted to leave the arena. Maybe that was what bothered him.

« Well, we can leave after your match, and you might not be eager to fight, but I am eager to watch you. It’s fascinating ! »

Killua smiled shyly at that. Did he not know he admired him ?

They arrived in front of the door where Killua would get ready for the fight. He knew Killua would most likely be eating chocolate until they called his name. He left his friend to find his place in the arena. He recognized a few people here and there, but they hadn’t really befriended anyone outside of Wing and Zushi. He settled on his chair and looked at the screen, finding his friend's huge face on it next to the guy who appeared to be his opponent.

The man had dark eyes, dark hair, he wore a metal necklace with star shaped … Beads ? Was it a weapon maybe ? He only saw his head and shoulder, but could tell he was muscular. He was obviously stronger than those rookie crushers… But he had no way to figure out what his nen ability could be. He definitely didn’t get the same feeling he did when looking at Hisoka. Killua wasn’t in any danger against that guy. Killua was going to play with him until he got bored and would end it quickly. Well, maybe Killua was right to think there’s wasn’t any point to that fight.

He looked at the other side of the arena and saw _Hisoka_. He didn’t think he’d be interested in watching other fight. Was he bored ? He noticed he probably didn’t buy his tickets as a couple were trying to tell him he was sitting in their seats. He glared at them and they quickly ran away. So he probably was bored and decided at the last minute to come watch the fight ? Hisoka then noticed him. His demeanor changed, he uncrossed his arms and waved at him with a creepy smile, and then he winked. Hisoka's strange behavior never really bothered him much as he waved back at him.

Hisoka was a weird person, no doubt in that, it was hard to read him. But, intuitively he felt that they might not be anything to read. Hisoka was just- well Hisoka. Someone who didn’t overthink and went with his guts. He didn’t let anything bother him. In someway, he felt he understood that. He too didn’t like to overthink things and was more efficient when he was faced with the situation. He had wanted to fight Hisoka and he did, had he stopped to think about it, he wouldn’t have had the determination to. He wouldn’t have found a way to trick him during the fight and punch him. That’s what probably what he loved the most about fighting, he was purely in the present moment, nothing else existed or mattered, when faced with danger, you had no other option then to trust your gut and go for it.

« ALRIGHT EVERYONE !! THE MATCH WILL BEGAN IN A FEW SECONDS NOW !! GET READY !!! »

« ON OUR RIGHT, WE HAVE THE VETERAN VRON !!! HE HAS WON 6 FIGHTS ALREADY AND ONLY LOST ONE !! THIS IS HIS SECOND TIME IN HEAVEN ARENA AS HE HAD PREVIOUSLY WON 9 FIGHTS AND LOST 4 TIMES !! HE SURPRISED US WITH NEW TECHNIQUES, WHAT DOES HE HAS UP IN HIS SLEEVES THIS TIME !?! »

The crowd cheered, he found it weird that he had never noticed that Vron guy before, as he arrived in the ring wearing a sort of ninja suit… Or what he thought was a ninja suite, didn’t Hanzo have attires slightly similar ?

« AND ON OUR LEFT, ONE OF THE YOUNGEST PARTICIPANT TO COME TO THIS ARENA, KILLUAAAAA !!! HE HAS WON 2 FIGHTS, LOST NONE AND IS SURPRISINGLY VERY RESISTANT TO ELECTRICITY !!! WILL HE BE ABLE TO GET THE BETTER OF HIS ADVERSARY ??? WHO KNOWS ??? »

The announcer didn’t seem to have much to say about Killua, he never really fought full on, one of his 2 wins being a forfeit. Well, he sipped his orange juice, thinking this wouldn’t last too long. With that thought, the fight had begun.

—-

Killua had his hands is his pockets, he wasn’t impressed by his adversary much. He sighed, why was he doing this again ? He could just forfeit out of boredom he thought. But then Gon would be disappointed, if he was going to forfeit he should have done so this morning. It was weird how this fight felt like a chore. Well, to be fair, most of his fights had been in his life.

Unlike Gon, he didn’t feel alive when he fought. It was either boring or a stressful experience when he was up against people like Illumi. Sure, he would have fun messing around with his opponents, but that was the least he could do to make it interesting. He had sometime felt sadistic pleasure- Especially when he had witnesses. But truth be told, he didn’t feel much most of the time. He didn’t feel… Unlike when… No. This was not the time to think of that.

The referee had announced the beginning of the match. Killua would let his opponent try something so he could figure out his « type ». Was he cocky ? Careful ? Power hungry ? That first attack would tell a lot.

Vron jumped on him aiming directly to his face with a punch. Well, there was also the stupid type. He vanished from Vron sight to appear behind him. He could have hit him hard behind the head to make him fall, or maybe even KO him, but he wanted to see Vron's reaction as he realized he hadn’t been able to touch him.

That’s when he felt a kick on his right side. Killua flew a few meter. He got up quickly and gracefully.

The kick barely did anything to him, it was mostly the surprise. He smiled, he always let his guards down when he felt the fight was too easy, a way to even things out- a little.

Killua was now trying to figure out the trick behind that kick. Of course, it was nen, so he used Gyo and didn’t see any aura hinting to a technique. Vron hadn’t moved from his spot, so how did he kick him ? What were the different nen types again ? Emitter !! He was most likely an emitter. _Interesting_. 

Killua suddenly noticed a small shift in Vron’s posture and dodged at the las moment a punch that appeared out of nowhere and was aiming for his back. So he was able to teleport his attacks. Yet his hand on his actual body hadn’t disappeared… Were his teleported limbs made of nen ? That would make it easy to sense. And he could feel it when Vron focus would shift.

Vron was good at concealing himself, but Killua wasn’t a newbie, he learned to read people ages ago. Now that he understood the trick, it became boring again. He engaged against Vron avoiding his attack taking in his weak ones by protecting his body part with nen and had manage to lend a few blows on Vron himself.

So how to end this tedious fight ? Scare him off with his assassin aura ? Knock him out ? He decided to charge straight at him. That’s when Killua noticed, the little metal stars on his neck had disappeared. He felt something coming at him from behind, Vron was aiming for his back while he was focused on attacking him. Killua could avoid them, but then he’d have to give up on hitting his target. So he decided to turn the situation to his advantage.

Killua let the shurikens hit him, spreading blood all over the ring. He fell on Vron and punched him with all he got. Enjoying that horror look on his face as he realized he got Killua with his attack, but it didn’t even made him wince.

Vron was dizzy but not completely knocked out, he was about to hit him once more to finish him when he felt an ominous aura around him that froze him in place. He looked in the direction of the aura and saw _him_… Hisoka. He was staring at him with those lustful eyes again, his aura clearly directed at him and only him since no one seemed to have reacted. He felt Hisoka desire for him, he knew that he was trying to claim him from afar. Seeing Killua’s blood must have aroused him somehow and that sickened him. He was Hisoka’s prey and he wanted to inflect those wounds on him himself.

Killua hit Vron, knocking him out for good this time. This fight was over, he just wanted to get out of here. He needed to find Gon, and convince him they had to leave as soon as possible. This place was becoming full of unwanted memories.

« AND KILLUA WINS THE MATCH !! THIS KID IS UNSTOPPABLE !! WHO WILL BE HIS NEXT OPPONENT ???! »

No one, he was done.

——

He was back in the fighter’s private locker. His wounds on his back stoped bleeding, it hurt but he was used to it. It would heal fast and wouldn’t even leave a mark. He was still wondering why he went along with that stupid fight.

« That was some great performance little boy ? »

Killua huffed in annoyance. He should have been more surprised but he wasn’t. He didn’t want to turn to look at the clown, but if he wanted to leave the room, he had to.

Hisoka was there, in all his glory, looking at him. Acting like this was his own living room. He was comfortable wherever he went.

« What do you want now ? »

« I saw Illumi this morning before he left… » He looked at Killua trying to get any reaction from him, the kid didn’t budge. He wasn’t going to react. He wasn’t. « He had an incredible smell on him, a mixture of musk and sweets » Killua gulped at that… But still kept silence. « He looked sooo… sated ».

Killua bit his tongue to refrain from saying anything. he came to get these reactions from him and he was trying his best not to give him any. He was miserably failing as Hisoka approached him, making him hit the wall behind him. Hurting himself on those wounds a little.

Hisoka looked at him « I see big brother marked you again » he put a finger on his neck, lowering the fabric of his turtle neck « It is a hot day for turtle necks don’t you think ? Was that why you let that miserable man plant his pointy stars on you ? To replace those brotherly touches. What an ungrateful little boy » Killua heart started to race, his eyes darted at the door behind Hisoka « You know, I can help you forget all about big brother ». He was whispering in his ears again, while gently stroking his neck with his long fingers.

At that Killua's right hand had turned into claws and was aiming for his neck. Hisoka very easily caught his hand and stared down at him, meeting his eyes. He was still trying not to betray himself. Hisoka licked his lips hungrily « ah ah… you really like foreplay don’t you ? But you should put a little more passion into it ».

Killua stared at Hisoka in disgust, he wanted a reaction, well he would let him see how much he despised him. Hisoka took it as an invitation and plunged his lips on his. Kissing him passionately, entering him with his tongue. He tasted sweet and sour at the same time, so different from Illumi. Hisoka was a skilled kisser, it did manage to make him dizzy. He closed his eyes trying to escape that situation mentally but that seemed to intensify the sensation, he put his hand on Hisoka’s chest and pushed him away.

Hisoka let go « Something more like that ». He was happy with himself obviously, he had managed to kiss Killua without him shoving him away immediately, he almost thought the boy had enjoyed it for a short moment. Either way, he had enjoyed tasting him, even just a little.

« I know you are trying to mess with me Hisoka… You got what you wanted, now leave ».

Hisoka licked his lips « Oh, you have no idea how much more I want from you… » And he took the hand he was still holding to put it on his hardened groin.

« What are you.. ! » Killua gasped, Hisoka was big inside those baggy pants. He felt ticker than Illumi. As he felt his erection twitch in Hisoka’s pant, the clown was murmuring evil words in his ears « you are so precious with that milky skin of yours… You look like a beautiful porcelain doll. But I know you can take more than you seem… I know you aren’t fragile » His lips wasn’t touching him, just taunting him and Killua felt surprise at how it all felt. It awoken his body and there was little he could do to hide the effect those words where having on him. He found himself wondering what it would feel like to be with Hisoka that way, would he be whispering similar words ? Illumi was silent, gentle and precise. Hisoka felt like it would be more… chaotic.

Hisoka didn’t miss any of the boy's little shifts, reading through him « I can take you gently, just like big brother if that’s what you wish… » he started sweetly, but then his aura became wicked « Or I can take you rough, play with you as I please just the way your body was made to take it ! »

A rush of fear went through Killua’s whole body. He took his hands off his groin pushed Hisoka as strongly as he could. His mind went blank, his instinct to flee was taking over.

Hisoka backed off, but kept his smile. He might had rushed it a little this time. It was hard to resist when he was this close to his prey. An unripened fruit, but already so sweet.

Gon burst into the locker room at that moment « Killua !! What are you doing ? are you in the sauna again ??? ». Gon hadn’t noticed how perfect his timing had been. He looked inside the locker and saw Killua backed on a wall and Hisoka, a meter away from him, casual as always. The first one seemed shaken, the second was acting like he was attending a mundane tea party. Something must have happened but what ?

Gon was building his nen in defense, he knew how dangerous Hisoka could get, but he didn’t think he’d attack Killua in his locker like that. He saw that Killua wasn’t hurt or anything and he felt relief, but he had the feeling he was missing something. What did Hisoka want from Killua ? Or was he waiting for Gon ?

« Ah, Gon ! So happy to see you, you seemed to have recovered well from our fight, I’m not surprised » Hisoka said casually, putting his hands on his hips.

« Hey Gon… I was going to go find you, but Hisoka just popped out of nowhere ». Killua had recovered his composure. He almost wondered if he had imagined anything.

He remember his thought from earlier, how Hisoka ominous aura was somehow reminiscent of Illumi’s. He though maybe that’s why Killua looked a bit wary… And he though of something.

« Hisoka, do you want to fight Killua on the ring ? »

Killua looked back at Gon surprised… Had he noticed something ?

Hisoka on the other hand couldn’t hide his grin as he replied « Well, I would as a matter of fact » then he turned to Killua « But only if Killua agrees to fight back »

Killua knew what Hisoka meant, changing the words not to make Gon noticed.

« I think you should ! »

That took the both of them by surprise, Hisoka even chuckled at how oblivious Gon was to the double meaning of his words. So precious… _Patience_. One toy at a time.

Gon was obviously serious, he thought that Killua needed to face his fears, if he fought Hisoka here, there were little risks. Hisoka wouldn’t hurt Killua too much and he felt it would be good practice for Killua. He was so strong yet constantly second guessing himself.

This was too absurd for Killua « Gon… forget it, lets go, this creep is not a person to mess around with »

« I am serious Killua ! I noticed how after my match you slightly changed around Hisoka, I can feel you want to fight him and find out if you stand a chance against him, it would be a good opportunity for you ».

Killua wasn’t able to hide how baffled he was- and it didn’t help Hisoka was trying to hide his chuckles as he looked at Killua with an understanding look. How could Gon say stuff like that ? Didn’t he understand what he was saying ? Did he really believe Killua would ever let himself get close to Hisoka like that ? He sighed, Gon didn’t know what was going on, it wasn’t his fault. Of course if he knew he wouldn’t be encouraging it. He loved Gon’s innocence and would move heaven and earth to preserve it, but it sometime was heavy to be the only one who saw how dark the world truly was.

« Gon, please, I’m done with Heaven Arena, let’s just go okay ? »

Gon noticed something in Killua’s eyes that made him stop insisting. He really felt like he had more arguments to convince Killua, but knew he had to let it go this time. Something was off, but he trusted Killua and if he wanted to leave, they would.

And so the two friends left Hisoka behind them. Gon looked at him while he was leaving, trying to find some clues of what he had missed. Hisoka just smiled back and winked at him. Killua didn’t look back.

—-

While Hisoka was watching his two toys leave the locker room, he smiled satisfied with that small encounter, he had the confirmation that the little Zoldyck wasn’t indifferent to him.

The best part was that all outcomes seemed exciting. If he didn’t cave, messing with Killua was fun, if he did, he would enjoy him oh so much. He imagined how trilling it would be to be sneaking around behind Illumi’s back. _Hmmm_. But even if Illumi did find out… It would ensure a fight he had wanted ever since he met the tall and slender assassin. Yes… Messing with Killua was a fun game, no matter how it turned out.

But if he was completely honest, he would work really hard to get Killua to cave. He really wanted a taste of that fruit… The idea of having sex with his small frame that was able to withstand torture like Killua could… He never had an opportunity like that. And with that though he slid his hand down his pants...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope the fight wasn't to bad to read... I find out writing action isn't an easy task. 
> 
> Next chapters will take longer to update. I have most of my story outlines figured out, but I have little written for the next chapters. 
> 
> Thanks again and please share your thoughts.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is more "cute" than anything.  
No creepy clown in this one... Sorry.  
It's the calm before the storm. 
> 
> Oh and no one asked, but I felt like sharing it anyway.  
The title of this fanfic is a reference to the red hot chili pepper iconic album.  
In Anthony Kiedis autobiography, you learn that when he was 12 he had already way too much adult experience for his age (drogs, sex, parties...).  
I can't say it's my inspiration, but when came the time to find a title, it sort of popped into my head.

**Chapter 04 - Whale Island - Comfort **

Gon and Killua were saying their goodbyes to Wing-san and Zushi. They were finally leaving Heaven Arena to Killua’s relief. He was glad this was all over. He didn’t know where Gon would want to go next, but anywhere would be better. A feeling not unlike when he was leaving Kukuro Moutains.

« And Gon, congratulations, you passed the secret Hunter exam. You are now a pro hunter » Wing said with a proud smile.

« Punching Hisoka is the final exam ? »

Wing-san's smile dropped at Gon’s oblivious comment while Zushi was tensing up awkwardly.

« No, learning nen was… See nen is a powerful weapon, we only let those who pass the first exam acquire it »

« Oh… That makes sens. Do you know what happened to the others ? »

As Wing was giving updates on all who passed the exam, Killua was trying to figure out how to get even better at nen. They only got the basics and they were still far behind people like Hisoka and Illumi.

« Killua, you should try the hunter exam next year »

Killua turned his attention back to Wing who was smiling at him. Wing then put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a serious yet tender look. « You have all it takes to be a great hunter, Killua ».

Killua stiffened under Wing’s touch, he didn’t like it one bit, but knew it wasn’t the old man's fault. He sucked it up and looked up at him, giving him a shy smile that adults loved so much. « Sure, I’ll think about it. »

He noticed Gon’s beaming smile on him. Fully agreeing with Wing’s statement.

—-

With final farewells, the pair were now off to the airport. All the roads were now open in front of them, they only had one goal in the near future, to meet Kurapika and Leorio on September 1st at York New.

Gon was looking at all the possible destinations on the departure board. He didn’t know most of those places but that wouldn’t be a reason not to go. He turned to Killua, finally getting the chance to ask him :

« So where should we go next ? »

Killua was lost in thoughts, he wasn’t even looking at the board, his eyes were wandering, looking at the people around them. The crowd made him dizzy, he wanted to be somewhere calm, somewhere that felt safe.

« How about we go to your place ? »

Gon couldn’t hide his surprise, but it was quickly replaced with a huge grin « Really ? Are you sure ? »

« Well yeah, I mean, if you want to. You keep telling me how great it is, and I’m curious to meet your aunt ».

Gon jumped with excitement. « I’m so glad Killua ! I wanted to go back home too, I missed aunt Mito a lot, but I wasn’t sure you would want to go. »

And with no seconds to spare, Gon was leading Killua to Peroya where they would get a boat to reach Whale island.

——

On the boat to Whale Island, both Gon and Killua were sitting on the railing at the front balcony, looking over the sea as if they could already see the land where Gon grew up.

Gon was, from time to time, paying attention to the seagulls afar, probably trying to get an idea of the upcoming weather and estimating the distance to their destination. He’d explained to Killua how birds were « mother nature’s messengers ». They can tell you a lot about what is and what will be.

Killua found it that much more incredible that their path had crossed. They came from two opposite worlds. They were few animal in Kukuro mountain, most of them were brainwashed like Mike to become lifeless killing machines. There was no communication or exchange with them, only dominance. It never occurred to him until now that maybe Mike may have had his own wants and desires. That he could have been a normal dog too. A friend even. 

From the corner of his eye, he saw Gon get up with an excited grin on his face. He was keeping his balance on the wooden railing. His gaze fell on Killua « I see Whale Island ! »

Killua tried to see from where he was, he didn’t have Gon’s sight but he was above average. He focused a little and saw a shape form in the distance. It looked like an actual whale. He didn’t think the name would be so literal, but it made sens.

As the ship got closer, Killua saw the greens of the trees, the cliffs on the far east of the island and a small village near a port. It looked peaceful, untouched by the complexity of the world. A happy and sunny bubble where a kind hearted and yet determined boy named Gon grew up. A perfect place to forget, even for a little while, where Killua came from.

« Aunt Mito is going to be so surprised to see us coming ! »

« You didn’t tell her ? »

Gon pulled out his tongue « I sorta forgot… »

Killua gave a small smile, looked back to the island that was growing bigger by the minute. In less than an hour, they were already walking on their way to Mito’s house. He wasn’t surprised to find out that Gon’s house was far from the only village of the island. It explained his wild behavior. His backyard was a huge forest, like his own, but it was full of light and life. The wind whispered in the leaves, the birds chirped around them the smell of grass was enveloping them.

Everything about Whale island felt foreign yet so comforting. Like the forest itself was hugging them and smothering them. He wondered if he would have felt the same desire to leave and explore the world if he had been raised here.

« We live at the top of that hill, it’s not as high as kukuro Moutain, but the view is beautiful from up there. »

And as he had barely finished saying those words, the forest cleared and they could see a small little country house, with smoke coming out of its chimney. A house that came right from a fairy tale. A woman was outside, putting laundry to dry.

Gon ran to her « MITOOOOOOOO !!! »

The woman turned in surprise, searching for the origin of the voice. When she saw Gon’s little frame run towards her, her eyes filled with tears and her arm opened automatically in an embrace, letting her basket fall. In seconds, Gon was jumping in her arms. They were holding each other tight. She was whispering something in his ears that made Gon’s grin grew bigger, he didn’t think it was possible.

That picture of Gon hugging Mito was beautiful under the sun, so why did a part of him feel sad ?

He was slowing his pace, to give them some space to enjoy their reunion. He stoped a few meters from them, not wanting to burst their bubble, his hands in his pocket. Patient.

Mito’s head popped out, and her eyes fell on Killua. Gaining her attention suddenly made him very self-conscious, her eyes, just like Gon's were full of light and tenderness. But they had something more, something comforting. If he had a normal mother, he’d say her eyes were motherly.

« Is this… Killua ? »

How did Mito know of him ?

Gon left Mito to go to Killua’s side, pushing him gently to come closer. « Yes ! I told you about him in my letters, we’ve been travelling together! I invited him to stay with us for a while »

He wasn’t asking for permission. There was no doubt in his mind that Mito wouldn’t have a problem with an unexpected guest. He didn’t think they had many visitors, yet the sudden announcement didn’t phase her the slightest.

« Of course ! » She came closer to Killua and gave him a heart warming smile « I’m glad to finally meet you Killua, Gon told me so many great things about you ».

Killua knew how to behave well, how to present himself to make people like him. But he didn’t feel he had to pretend with Mito. He really felt compelled to please her. « Gon told me a lot about you too, I was very eager to see his homeland and meet his aunt. ».

That made Mito smile grow wider. She turned to Gon who was picking up her laundry basket. « Well, you boys most be tired and in need of a warm bath. Gon, get the water running, I’ll start cooking a worthy supper ».

Gon’s mouth was already watering at the idea. He was the first to enter the house, followed close by Mito and then Killua, who had a slight hesitation at getting inside. « Killua ! Follow me, put all your dirty clothes in the basket, we’ll wash them tomorrow. » Gon was already getting undressed as he was heading to what seemed to be the bathroom.

Killua stoped at the entry way, Mito was already in the kitchen. He looked around and found a small living room with wooden furniture and lots of plants decorating it. There was the fire place with logs piled up next to it for the night, and photo frames of Gon at different ages decorating it. Behind the biggest couch was a door that seem to lead to the kitchen where he was hearing dishes noises. Wooden stairs were most likely leading to the bedrooms and on his right, he was hearing Gon whistling.

He got inside the bathroom and Gon was already butt naked and putting soap in the bathtub to make it bubbly. « I’ve been looking forward for a nice bath! ».

« What are you talking about ? We had the most luxurious bathrooms in Heaven Arena ». Killua still felt a little out of place here. But he had wanted to come and he was trying hard not to show any discomfort.

« Yes… But listen ! »

Killua paused a few seconds, trying to hear something. « What ? I don’t hear anything. »

« Exactly ! No cars or people screaming, here it’s quiet. And I just love the view we have from this bathroom ».

He was right. From the window right in front of the bathtub you could see the forest and further away the sea. It was definitely a different view than Heaven Arena.

« Come on ! Get your clothes off ! The water is ready » 

Ever since his night with Illumi, Killua had been feeling weird about undressing in front of Gon. Part of him couldn’t make it feel innocent as it was before. He felt tainted and even though all his brother’s mark were long gone, he still felt like Gon could see them.

Fortunately, Gon seemed so happy to be back home that he wasn’t noticing Killua’s hesitation and was already in the bathtub, rubbing his skin and whistling once more. It wasn’t like Killua was looking at Gon differently, or that he was afraid of feeling unrequited desire for him, because he didn’t.

He honestly didn’t even know if he was attracted to boys or girls… his sexuality had never been a choice or something he though he could own. He even was wondering if any of those thoughts would cross his mind had he not been marred. Gon didn’t seem to have any second thought about being naked with another guy. Did Gon know his own sexual orientation ? Was he straight or gay ? Or something else ? He never noticed Gon look at girls or boys for that matter.

He decided it was safe. Gon didn’t think of him as anything sexual. It probably never crossed his mind. Killua took a deep breath and slowly got undressed. He put his clothes in the basket and went in the bathtub taking his time, as if he was afraid something might be lurking inside.

Once he was settled in, he felt himself calm down, the bubbles had a nice smell, the water temperature was just perfect and the view was southing. Gon was right. It really was another experience.

And just as he was finally letting himself relax, he got splashed by a whole bucket of water. Through his drenched hair, he saw Gon with a mischievous grin on his face. And just like that, all his worries got washed down. He wasn’t letting Gon get away with this and they started splashing each other in fits of laughter.

—-

Almost an hour later, a mouthwatering smell found its way into the bathroom. Gon’s stomach started to growl which made the two boys laugh again.

« We should get dressed for dinner, Mito’s food is the best, you won’t believe it ! »

Gon was leaning to get out the bathtub when they heard the door open and an old woman head popped out. « Gon, Mito said dinner is almost r… »

The old woman stoped for a second to look at the state of the bathroom… Water and soap was all over the place, they even managed to make some products fall on the floor. Killua felt ashamed both because of the state of the room, but also because this was the first impression he was giving the old woman.

But he saw her smile tenderly « Well, I haven’t seen this bathroom in a mess in such a long time. I’m glad you found someone to be silly with Gon. » She gave a quick glance to Killua who was turning red and trying to hide himself since the bubble were mostly gone by now.

« Hi grandma Abe! I’d like you to meet Killua ! Killua, this is my great grandma Abe ! »

Gon was standing naked in the bathtub, making introduction between his friend and his great grandma as if it was normal. The boy was shameless to say the least. He didn’t feel anything was awkward in this scenario.

« I see, what a cute little young friend you have here, nice to meet you Killua ! » Now he knew where Gon got his easygoing personality, this woman was just as unfazed by the situation. He felt this wouldn’t be his first uncomfortable moment he’ll experience here.

« Hmmm… Nice to m… meet you » Killua was red and tried his best to say a full sentenced without stuttering.

Fortunately for him, Abe seemed more aware than Gon and got the clue. She turned to leave. « I’ll be looking forward to talking to you at dinner boys. I’m sure you have lots to tell us ».

And they did, well mostly Gon. He told them all about the exam and their journey to Kukuro Mountain. It was the first time Killua heard about Gon meeting with Mike and Canary. How he felt bad for Canary when she got hit. How Kikyô and Kalluto tried to make them turn back.

Gon couldn’t be stopped in his frantic explanations. He’d remembered details that even he had forgotten. But Killua was at peace listening to Gon excitement. He noticed Mito’s reactions to every word and Abe soft smile paying attention to her great grandson… maybe he even reminded her of Ging ?

It was a diner like he never had before. With lots of talking and laughter and of course, great food. Killua put his chin on his hand enjoying what seemed to be a very commun dinner for most people, but for him, it was pure delight, he didn’t think simple things like that could feel so nice.

« So is your family worried for you about becoming a hunter ? »

Gon had omitted the torture and assassin background story of Killua’s upbringing, probably because he didn’t feel it was his place to share that.

« Oh, not really, they made me go through much harder trials than the hunter exam… But they are probably disappointed in my choice » the "probably" was to not make a big deal about it. The disappointment was a certainty. he still wondered how his father had decided to let him go.

Mito looked at Killua with confused eyes. She turned to Gon to see if she could get a clue. Killua gave Gon a nod followed by a shrug.

« Well you see Mito, Killua’s from a family of assassins. He was trained since he was a baby »

Mito looked shocked and Killua guessed it was because she probably worried that her nephew hung out with such a dangerous person. He made a mental note to himself to do his best to show that he was trustworthy.

He gave Mito a sweet smile « Yes, but I left the family business, I want to be a hunter just like Gon now. »

Gon beamed at his words and went back to chat about the rest of their adventures.

When dinner was over, Mito got up and clapped her hands together « Well, I’ll set Gon’s room so you can have a place to sleep Killua. Gon, I’ll need your help with the dishes. »

On cue, Gon was already gathering the dishes to clean them.

« I could sleep on the couch Mito… » came Killua’s hesitant voice.

« Nonsense ! You are a guest ! I’ll set up a futon for you to sleep on » she left to fetch blankets, a pillow and some sheets.

« Aunt Mito, we can share the bed, it’s okay, don’t bother » Gon was saying from over his shoulders.

Mito’s head perked out of the pile of blankets she had gathered. Killua felt uncomfortable all of the sudden, she was probably worried about two young boys sharing a bed… Even if one of the boys was Gon.

« Are you sure ? Your bed is small, you won’t be comfortable. » Mito said, with a curious look. « Well, you know where the futon is if you change your mind ».

Killua looked back and forth between Gon and Mito, surprised that none of them thought it was weird. Maybe it wasn’t suppose to be. Maybe they were too young for this to be a concern.

« Mito-san, I can take care of the futon and the extra sheets and blanket, I’m sure you want to catch up with Gon ». Killua said, taking everything from her hands.

« Oh! You are a sweet boy, your parents raised you well ! » And she stoped herself, having forgotten on the spot what Gon had told her about his family. « I… I mean ».

« Don’t worry about it, they did teach me how to be polite and respectful » _and submissive_.

With those last word, Killua went to settle in Gon’s room.

—-

Days past on Whale Island and Gon and Killua had discovered clues to finding Ging. They had gathered information now and somehow, everything was leading to York new. Their next destination was still the same.

They had a few days left when one day, Gon went to find Killua who was practicing fishing in a pound next to the house. « Killuaaaaaa !!! »

He was waving a piece of paper. Was that another clue to finding Gon’s dad ?

« Look what I found !! I completely forgot about it! »

« What is it ? » It looked like a very childish drawing and there was a big X somewhere to the top right of the paper.

« It’s the map of my treasure !! I hid it when I was 8 ! Its my own personal graduation gift to myself when I’d become a hunter ! »

« That’s… weird »

« I didn’t have friends growing up… So I set up this game for future me ! But now we can look for it together ! »

That made Killua smile, Gon was a funny guy, with crazy ideas. He turned everything into an adventure. He decided he wanted to be part of it. Which ever way Gon needed him to be. So he left the fishing rod next to the tree and started looking at the map. It shouldn’t be hard but the drawing was messy and he was sure the distances were guesses.

They managed to figure out the general location, but Gon had forgotten to mention that he set a few traps for himself. Logs fell on them and holes opened under them. Nothing too dangerous but still. Gon was a weird kid.

After a few hours and lots of surprising fun, they found the treasure.

The night was on them at that point and they sat on the grass to open the box. It was full of Gon’s little pieces of memories. His first baby tooth, a fake hunter licence that looked like a badge. A gift from Mito. The blanket he was brought in by his father. (He knew the smell of it by heart and believed he’d probably recognize Ging from his smell) and …

« What’s that ? » Killua asked.

Gon grinned « It’s a letter I wrote to myself when I was 8 I think… I don’t even remember what I wrote…»

_Dear future Me, _

_I don’t know what age you will be when you find this, but you are supposed to be a hunter by now. So I hope it was as fun and exciting as you wanted it would be. _

_Did you meet exciting people ? Make any friends ? Maybe someone your age for a change ?_

_Don’t forget why you want to be a hunter ! Find Ging ! He is a hunter and he seems to have an exciting life. Find out for yourself if that excitement is worth it. _

_Kite is also a hunter and Ging’s student. Kite is awesome ! He looks so strong and in control. He seemed so excited by his past adventures and so eager for his next ones. So you already have a clue that being a hunter sounds fun. _

_Always follow your gut !_

_Take care ! _

_Gon. _

« Wow… You seemed wiser as a kid then now » Killua mused.

Gon stuck out his tongue « Yeah, well… Kite was amazing. » He looked like he wanted to share more. After a few moments « You know Killua, I say I wanted to be a hunter to find my dad, but in truth, I really want to be a hunter like Kite ».

« So you don’t want to find your dad ? »

« No ! I do ! I really do, it’s just… It’s not my dad I’m really looking for… It’s the quest… I think… Ging asked Kite to find him as an ultimate test… So I want to find him too. To be like Kite. »

« Oh… I think I understand ». He didn’t say it out-loud, but he thought he could relate partly. He too, wanted to help Gon find his dad. But for him, it wasn’t just about helping him, or even finding his own purpose. It was really, about being with Gon and maybe someday, becoming a little more like him.

« Do you think it’s cheating if I help you find your dad ? »

Gon looked at him surprised. « I… never thought of it… » He looked like he was honestly trying to ponder the question. Trying to figure out if he should be on his own. That made Killua heart sink. But he preferred to know now then later, when he would be even more attached to the island boy.

Gon made his decision « Hmmm… I want to find Ging my own way ».

Killua’s eyes looked down with understanding. « And my way is with my best friend ! I told you I have fun with you Killua and I want to continue to have fun with you while still looking for Ging. I want to do both ! And if Ging thinks it's not fair game, then, let him give me another challenge after we find him. »

Killua blushed at those words. « You’re so selfish… » But he was smiling at him. Then his eyebrow perked in his mischievous way « Well, he probably will say it isn’t fair game… After all, I’m a prodigy assassin with many skills. I’ll probably be doing most of the hard work won’t I ? » He said poking at Gon’s ego.

Gon frowned playfully « Like I’ll let you take all the glory ! You don’t know what I’m capable of, you just wait and see ! ».

Killua smiled at that. _Oh I know what you’re capable of Gon… You’ve already done so much, if Ging doesn’t see it, he’s not as great as people say he is. _

Killua promised himself that he would clear the road for Gon at best he could. He would make sure Gon found his dad in a way he’d be proud of himself. He never really cared about his own sets of skills, they were made to make him an assassin, something he never truly aspired to be. But today, he somehow felt grateful for them, they allowed him to meet Gon, they allowed him to be able to follow him in his crazy adventures and most of all, they would allow him to be useful to him. A modest way to pay him back.

Gon looked at Killua who was now on his back daydreaming, his eyes set on the stars above. He wondered why he didn’t have a smart comeback to his last words. He could’ve reminded him of all his clumsy actions in the past that put him in trouble. But the pale boy kept silent.

Gon smiled to himself, he knew how talented Killua was, and was so excited to share the next months with him. But that wasn’t why he was so happy to have him by his side. Killua was someone he felt completely confortable with, he didn’t know if it was his age or the fact that Killua had seen it all and nothing Gon would say or do would make Killua turn his back on him (even if sometime he did look at him like he was an alien). Gon easily trusted people, sure, but not the way he blindly trusted Killua.

He looked up at the sky too. « Do you know the mythologie of those constellations above us ? » Killua was surprised at that question, he was forced to learn many things growing up. He had a lot of general culture, politic knowledge and so much more but « I didn’t even know stars had stories… »

« Really ? That’s odd, those stories were my favorite growing up ! The sailors know so many of them, and depending on where they come from, the stories changes. You are never going to get bored with me at nights that’s for sure ! »

Killua laughed at that, Gon didn’t realize how obscene this sentence could sound in an adult ear… Or his as a matter of fact. But he didn’t want his thoughts to go there. Gon was so ecstatic to have so many stories to share now. And he found himself just as eager to listen to them. Some part of him tried to imagine what it would have been like to grow up listening to epic tales of mythological heroes, instead of learning about human anatomie, geopolitic conflicts and the deadliest weapons.

« I can’t wait to hear them all ».

And Gon fell on his back next to Killua and started to point at stars, telling him their names and why they were called this way.

—-

The night before they were going to leave. Killua didn’t sleep. He got up and went to enjoy the fresh night of the calm island. He wanted to say goodbye to it in his own way. So he sat on the grass, enjoying the feeling under his hands and the view.

From up there he could see the port, with a few lights still on.

« Hi Killua ».

Killua turned to see Mito in her pyjamas, her eyes a little sleepy and a cup of tea in her hands. He immediately sat up feeling guilty somehow. « Did I wake you ? »

« No, don’t worry, when Gon was leaving for the hunter exam, I also couldn’t sleep. As much as I trust in his abilities… I’m still worried for him, you know ? »

He knew. He probably did a lot of dangerous things growing up on this island, but in the outside word… the risks were greater. And he felt Gon was growing bolder with time. He kept silence though, didn’t want to make her worry more then she should.

So he simply nodded « I’ll watch over him for you aunt Mito »

Mito turned to him and for a moment felt a slight relief « That’s sweet of you Killua. » She looked at him with something akin to curiosity in her eyes. « You are so mature, it’s easy to forget you are the same age as Gon ».

Killua had a sad smile on, he turned away from her, not wanting to make it unnecessarily awkward. There was nothing wrong with her statement. It was the simple truth.

« And who is going to look after you ? » she asked with sincerity. 

_No one_, he thought. He didn’t really need it. He had enough people watching over him growing up.

Mito felt Killua closing up next to her. She guessed that this boy had gone through a lot. She could only imagine how hard it most have been for him and she was glad he had found Gon. And that Gon had found him. She sighed loudly.

« Now I have two kids to worry about… »

That perked Killua’s attention. He saw her motherly smile again.

« Promise me you’ll look after yourself too Killua ».

He took a deep breath « I will do my best. »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this took a while to write, I got busy with life.  
The next chapter is mostly written but important bits are missing still.  
I can't make promises to when it will be published, but I'm thinking it will take less time than this chapter. 
> 
> Oh and I really love to read people thoughts on this story. So please share your thoughts !  
Thanks for the kudos too !


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the kudos and comments, you have no idea how much it helps keeping the motivation to write the rest of this story. 
> 
> So this chapter contains some explicit scenes a little gory.  
It takes place during the York New arc and Hisoka is back.

** Chapter 05 - York New - Confusing pleasure **

York New city was as expected a very big and largely populated city. It had many different neighborhoods but Gon and Killua didn’t waste time visiting. They knew they needed to go downtown in the financial district where all the legal and illegal businesses happened.

Killua had been to York New before on specific missions with Illumi. They never stayed beyond their tasks though. Illumi didn’t like crowded places.

But when Killua came back from Heaven Arena, Illumi did take him to a night market and bought him his first ice cream after he had almost ruined a mission because he hesitated for a second. Illumi finished the job for him but instead of being mad at him and punishing him for his mistake, Illumi had decided to take him out for a treat.

« I won’t tell father what happened, it’s our secret okay ? We all make mistakes ».

« You… You also failed missions before big brother ? » Killua had asked with real surprise.

Illumi halted next to him. He put his hand on his cheek. His fingers were cold from holding his own mint ice cream. His eyes were strangely tender « You don’t need to know about that. » His hand dropped to his side and he led Killua into a district he had never visited in York New. « It’s been a long night Killu, we should rest. We will go back home tomorrow ».

Everything about that night felt surreal to Killua. His brother behavior was always an enigma to him. He didn’t know how to comprehend him and it made him even more curious. He knew their relationship was special and unique, he knew Illumi loved him and even needed him. And it made him want to be a good little brother to him. It made him want his brother’s love and attention.

« Don’t tell father about tonight okay Killu ? »

« Yes big brother ».

That night was the first of many things.

——

« Killua ! »

Killua was drawn out of his thoughts instantly by Gon’s voice. Gon was pointing to a tall building with a huge board on it. Numbers with different currencies were changing on it every second.

« I’ve never seen so many tall buildings like that ! It’s like a forest of concrete! »

Killua smiled, he knew Gon was probably thinking of climbing the building now, just by following his gaze. He would be tempted to let Gon lead him on a crazy building climbing fun time. But they had to come up with a plan to find the money for the Greed Island game.

« Any news from Leorio or Kurapika ? »

That brought Gon back to their main focus. « Nothing new. Kurapika has a new job and won’t be able to make it today, and no words from Leorio yet. »

They had few days before the auction, Kurapika sharp mind and Leorio’s knowledge of the business world would have been of great help to find a solution to their money problem, but it seems they were going to have to figure something out on their own.

And so they did, until Killua’s gambling problems made them loose more than half of their money. By that time, they had ran into Leorio, Zepile and… the Phantom Troupe.

Killua knew better than to mess with the troupe, his father had warned them not to get involved with them. But they needed money and the ransom wasn’t something they could pass on.

It was decided that they’d track the troupe in hope of getting enough information on their hideout and maybe even manage a way to trap them. Gon was determined to go through with the plan. For some reason, Gon’s confidence and faith in Killua made him feel invulnerable.

But it was all a mistake. They ended up getting caught and even worst, Hisoka was part of the troupe. Part of a Killua felt wary about it, but another part thought that maybe, he would at least make sure they wouldn’t get killed. Because now it was more than evident that they were no match for the spider.

It was obvious they weren’t worth much for the troupe since they apparently had no information on the chain guy, Kurapika, and they weren’t strong enough to be of interest. But once again, Gon’s stubbornness had gained him attention, and now the samourai one, Nobunaga, wanted Gon to join the troupe. He reminded him of his old friend, he said. That made the situation more complicated.

They couldn’t afford to wait for the leader to come decide if they were worth being part of the troupe. Especially now that Killua had figured out who the chain guy was and they could decide to question them again.

Killua was racking his brain to find a solution for their situation when a message from the leader interrupted his train of thoughts.

« The boss wants us at the auction… Nobunaga, let them go. We don’t need them ». That was the big guy, Franklin, speaking. Killua was hoping that this would be the end of the argument.

«I said, I want the boss to see them first ». As an enhancer himself, he wasn't ready to give up on his idea.

Machi put herself in the middle « Enough of this pointless bickering you two. The boss called for us. If Nobunaga wants those kids to join, it’s his responsibility. He’ll just have to watch over them on his own. » With that she was already walking away with a few members following her.

That's when Hisoka stepped in « I can offer to watch one of the kids if you want… » He gave a quick look to Killua.

« Are you suggesting I can’t manage ? » Hisoka always got on Nobunaga’s nerves.

« No’t at all, I’m just not in the mood to kill insignificant mafia men… Might as well babysit… Plus, I feel it’s better to separate them ».

Nobunaga was about to protest but Sharnalk took the bait « I have to agree with Hisoka, separating them would ensure they don’t try something funny… As they wouldn’t know what would happen to the other ».

Nobunaga sighed « Fine whatever, you take the white haired one, I’ll take the enhancer ».

« Killua stays with me ! » Gon had shouted into the blue. Standing tall and challenging anyone who dared to change his mind.

Hisoka got excited looking at how Gon could be so confident in these situation where nothing was in his advantage. He loved that boy’s spirit.

Nobunaga had already decided he liked this kid too and only laughed at his words, he shuffled Gon’s hair playfully, but Gon slapped his hand away. Getting slowly himself into more trouble. He was thick headed that one. Hisoka had to interfere before Feitan got tired of this game.

« You don’t really get a say in this do you ? » he said slowly, giving a menacing look at Gon that calmed him a little.

Killua understood what was happening, he didn’t like it one bit, but he did feel Feitan’s impatience growing. He walked slowly towards Hisoka « You’re overestimating us, but whatever, I don’t care » he said shrugging.

_Good boy_, Hisoka took Gon’s chin in his hand and looked him straight in the eyes « Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of your friend » he said smiling. Gon felt shiver hearing these words that were meant to be reassuring. Coming form Hisoka, they were more likely to be a threat.

He looked over at Killua who seemed calm and self-assured. When their eyes crossed, he gave him a little nod. _Let it go Gon, it’s fine_.

Gon relaxed at that and Hisoka let him go, he glanced knowingly at Killua « Unless he tries something funny. Then I can’t garante I’ll behave. »

Killua felt his heart racing and a bead of sweat roll down his neck at those words. He was trying hard not to show how he was dreading his alone time with Hisoka. He knew his comment had a double meaning. But Gon didn’t, so he had to stay calm. Gon would be safe with Nobunaga, he wanted him in the troupe, he wouldn’t hurt him.

« Hey, I want them both looking good for when the boss comes back ! Don’t do anything that isn’t necessary ! » Nobunaga had said. He was just as oblivious as Gon. Enhancers.

Machi had probably picked up on Hisoka’s intention. She knew he was weird and had unsettling taste but she also knew there was no point in interfering. He wouldn’t damage the kid too much. Truth is, she didn’t care enough about those kids.

The rest of the troupe were now leaving to the city. Hisoka was guiding Killua to one of the many empty rooms of the building and Nobunaga was doing the same in another direction. Gon looked back to try to find Killua’s eyes and get a second confirmation that he would be okay.

Killua felt his gaze on his back, he wanted to look back to reassure him. He didn’t know if he had the strength to. He took a deep breath and just lifted his hand and gave him a thumb’s up. That was the only think he could manage and hoped it would be enough for Gon.

Gon gave a small sigh and continued to follow Nobunaga. He still felt a weight in his heart. But Killua was smart and cautious. He had to trust him. He was beginning to feel guilty about this whole situation. Wasn’t it his recklessness and stubbornness that got them in that mess to begin with ? and he was afraid Killua would pay the price for it. He had to figure a way out of this place. A way to knock Nobunaga out so he wouldn’t be able to warn Hisoka. He would find something. He had to.

Killua was silently following Hisoka in the dark corridor. Hisoka hadn’t looked back once at him, he trusted Killua wouldn’t try anything, he was more reasonable. He had played his cards well by separating them. Killua was completely trapped and at Hisoka’s mercy. He knew his life wasn’t on the line here, but that thought gave him little confort. He looked at the walls of the building, feeling the darkness engulf them, it was a very old building and it smelled like mold. He looked at Hisoka tall and muscular figure in front of him and it all looked too familiar to him.

Illumi had once guided him like that in a dark hall back home. He had come back from a 3 weeks mission and Killua was happy to see him. Their father had prepared a week of heavy torture training for Illumi to give Killua. He wanted Killua to start taking more complicated mission with bigger risks, risk of getting caught and tortured for information. The training would start the next day and they were free to do whatever they wanted until then. Killua had been bored when his brother wasn’t around and he was really looking forward to spending time with Illumi before he switched into his merciless form.

Illumi seemed also pleased with the prospect of some quality time with his little brother. He missed him dearly. Missed his innocent smile, missed how he shuffled his own hair when he was answering his father’s questions, missed how graceful he was and missed that beautiful, creamy skin that tasted so sweet.

« I have a surprise for you little brother, come, follow me ». Killua did just that, curious and eager to find out what the surprise might be. After a while he realized he was guiding him to his room, when did he have time to prepare it ? Didn’t he just come back. As he entered the room to look around to see if he could get any clue, Illumi closed the door behind them and locked it, keeping the key in his pocket.

« I really missed you little brother ».

\---

Killua was now facing a dark and empty room with no windows. He knew it was pointless to look around for anything that could help him in this situation. Hisoka had closed the door behind them, locked it and put the key in his pocket. That was too familiar.

He tried to evaluate his situation but part of him was thinking at the earlier event and that stirred anger inside of him.

He went to sit at the far end of the room, his back against the wall.

He had failed Gon. It was his fault they were in this mess to begin with. He had been too confident in his tracking skills that he didn’t even noticed they were also being followed. He had been foolish and now he couldn’t do anything to help Gon. He couldn’t do anything when he was about to be tortured in front of him by that freak Feitan. If that coin had fallen on tail…

He had been frozen into place, a card on his neck. By Hisoka nonetheless. That made him look up to the magician who was playing with his cards ignoring him. His anger was now set on the magician.

« I see you are still angry at me for earlier » He hadn’t bothered to look up at him. Still shuffling his stupid cards.

Killua felt his blood boiling, he was mad at Hisoka, but he was mostly mad at his own weakness. He knew Hisoka wouldn’t have killed him in that moment but his old teaching had crept back inside him. Sucking all possible resistance from him. He should have done something, anything. Now he did want to punch Hisoka in the face, just to prove he could do it, even if it did make his situation more dire. His aura was beginning to build up, he was reverting back to his assassin mode and that got Hisoka’s attention. He looked up at him, smiling.

« I do love that look on you » He licked his lips. « You did the right thing to freeze when I threatened you earlier. Anything you would have done would have made the situation worse. You are smart enough to know that. »

He took a card in his hand and licked it « and those little drops of blood on my card were a sweet little treat. I wouldn’t mind trying it again »

« shut up! » Killua jumped at him with the intent to kill, not caring about the consequences anymore. But he felt himself being pulled back to the wall with the same force he had put in his jump. He hit the wall, cracking it slightly. _What had happened_? Hisoka didn’t even move. He used Gyo and saw that Hisoka had attached his back to the wall with bungee gum without him noticing.

« So you do want to play after all ? » Hisoka was getting up now and looking him up and down. He was clearly done playing cards now. Having found a better game. 

It dawned on him now how much his action was stupid. His back was hurting from the hit and Hisoka was getting closer to him. He knew he was trapped. « I did say I wouldn’t be able to behave if you tried anything. you seem so eager to have my full attention. If only you knew how much effort I put to resist… **ravaging you ** » His eyes were now full of desire. Killua whole body shivered, why did he let his stupid anger get the better of him ? He was usually smatter than that.

Hisoka squatted down in front of him, he took one of Killua’s ankles in his hand. « I heard you held your own against Phynx for a few minutes. » He pressed his fingers on the raw flesh. Killua barely reacted and it seemed to please Hisoka.  
Hisoka moved his hand up his legs slowly, while Killua was internally cursing himself for not wearing pants that day. He was literally stock to that wall with a pervert clown now touching him. Hisoka’s hand stopped just before the beginning of his shorts, he was now caressing him softly, one hand on each thigh.

« hmmm » He moaned « your skin is really smooth, I understand why Illumi has a hard time keeping his hands off of you ».

Killua’s mind was racing, he was trying to think of something to say that would make him stop touching him. Anything. His hands where surprisingly gentle and it felt… good. He was struggling to keep his mind focused while hating how good it felt. What to do ? What to say ? « St… Stop… » came the pathetic plea. As if that was any convincing. But he was now letting his eyes close, lost in the sensation.

Hisoka noticed he was slowly letting go any resistance… _Good boy…_

Hisoka's hands then moved up again, avoiding his crotch, moving straight to his hips and ass. He was after all so tiny in his hands. He grabbed him with force and Killua let out a surprised yelp. « What are you… ? ».  
But he didn’t have time to finish asking, Hisoka had released him from the bungee gun and was pulling him up to his height. He pressed him firmly against the wall and gave him one hungry look before pressing his lips against his with so much force, Killua head hit the wall.

Killua had clawed his hands on the wall, trying to keep balance while his feet were dangling. Hisoka wasn’t just kissing him, he was bitting his lips making them bleed and sucking on his blood. He didn’t know what to think of this, Illumi had never been violent in these moments. Pain and pleasure were mixing and he didn’t know how to process that. Hisoka pulled back a few inches to look straight at him, his eyes blurry with animal like lust. « I knew you’d like this ». Did he ?

Feeling ambitious, Hisoka had wrapped the young boy’s leg around his waist and Killua let him, he felt more stable this way at least, and a little less like hanging meat. But that allowed Hisoka to press him even harder on wall, crushing his body and rubbing his hard erection between his legs.

Killua’s eyes grew wide at that. And fear traveled his entire body. He didn’t want… He wasn’t ready for that. That last thought confused him, as if he would ever be ready for that. He escaped his kisses trying to push Hisoka away, but it was pointless. Hisoka was too hungry now to care about his pathetic attempts to get away. He had lifted his shirt off, leaving his upper body completely exposed and he started digging his nail on him, kissing him and sucking on his now bleeding chest.

Killua tried to hold his whimpers in, but everything was going too fast and he felt he was loosing grip with reality. He was completely at Hisoka’s mercy and didn’t know how to fight back. In a desperate attempt, he took his clawed hands and dived them into Hisoka’s back, as deep as he could. Amateur mistake, that made Hisoka groan with pleasure « More little boy, hurt me more » as he bit into his shoulder with so much strength that Killua couldn’t hold back a scream of pain.

This had to stop, he had to get him to stop, he had to get away. His eyes were tearing up. He never felt so defenseless, so vulnerable… All his torture training didn’t prepare him for this. Pain and confusing pleasure. His mind was trying once more to think of something that would make him stop, or at the very least something that would calm the animal ravaging him.

« I… Hisoka… I don’t want it like that »

That made Hisoka stop abruptly. He pulled back and dropped the boy who was too dizzy to stay up and crumbled on the floor. Hisoka had his blood all over him, some of it was leaking down his mouth and chin. He was now licking his fingers, like he was trying to clean himself after having enjoyed a very decadent dessert. He looked down on the boy that was breathing heavily, his eyes wide open in shock. His shirt was off, his lip was bleeding, his chest was full of cuts, bruises and love bites, his shoulder had a deep gash and his hips looked bruised. It made him look even more delicious. He was a greedy person.

He knew it wasn’t the physical pain that got the Zoldyck panicked, he was used to it. He also knew the kid did enjoy carnal activities even if he wouldn't admit it. It was the mixture of both he wasn’t ready for yet. He had been once more too eager. Illumi had spoiled him too much.

« How do you want it ? »

Killua was still in shock, looking down, incapable of answering. It was the only thing that came to his mind in the spur of the moment. Hisoka had told him he could be both gentle or violent with him. He really didn’t want either but he thought it would buy him some time. But for what ? There was no way out of here and if he tried anything Gon would… No, Gon was safe, Hisoka wouldn’t put Gon in danger, even for his sake. If he escaped, he wouldn’t notify Nobunaga. He started to look around, the only door was behind Hisoka… Could he distract him enough for him to escape ? He gulped. He knew there was one way for him to get Hisoka distracted enough.

« Well ? »

He got up on his feet, and tried to look calmly at Hisoka. He was trying to convey a mixture of confidence, fear and some desire. « I… not like that… ». He took another deep breath. He hated to have to resolved to that, especially as how overwhelming it had gotten so fast. « Illumi is.. was always gentler… »

Hisoka had smirked at that change of verb tense. But so be it. The boy wasn’t ready yet, but he had gotten further than he thought, and his skin was just as tasteful as his blood. He approached him slowly now. Not wanting to frighten too much the little pet this time.

Killua needed to come up with a plan and fast, he knew Hisoka would put his guards down once he was getting what he wanted from him, but how could he escape if his body was under his ? Suddenly that idea felt like a dead end.

Hisoka was towering him now. He took his hands and lifted them over his head. Pressing him against the wall once more, but with care this time. Killua was still trying to think how to use this situation to his advantage when Hisoka attached his hand to the wall with bungee gum.

« First let me clean you up a little » He started licking his chest, trying to erase the blood trail on him while his hands were traveling his back enjoying his softness.

_No no no…_This was worst than before. He was now stuck to the wall.

« I’ve noticed you were looking at the door » Hisoka said between kisses he was now giving him on the neck. « You are a cunning little one, but you seem to be lacking focus whenever I’m around… You keep making rookie mistakes. But I did say I wanted you to enjoy yourself, and if being soft and slow would make you squirm in pleasure between my hands then I will oblige ». He was slowly and dangerously kissing lower on his chest.

So it was game over now. « I won’t enjoy it, you disgust me ! ». He was clenching his teeth.

As Hisoka was approaching the hem of this his shorts « Your body seems to disagree ».

_Beep beep… beep beep…_

It was Hisoka’s phone. He moved a little away from Killua who exhales loudly. He had been holding his breath.

Hisoka looked at his phone, his eyes now serious.

« It seems I will be needed in the city after all. A common friend needs some help. »

A friend ? Killua's mind instantly went to Gon. He hoped Gon hadn’t tried something stupid. Nobunaga liked him, but wouldn’t spare him if he tried to escape and failed.

Hisoka looked at him. « Don’t worry it’s not Gon. He’s probably still with Nobunaga, trying to find a safe way out… I doubt he came up with anything, although Nobunaga isn’t the wittiest spider ».

He looked at Killua once more. He didn’t seem too damaged did he ? His shirt would hide most of the scratches and bruises, his lips wasn’t bleeding anymore. The only problem was that gash on his shoulder still bleeding, he didn’t refrain himself there. The thoughts of it all revived for a moment his animal like desire. It was getting harder to resist now that he tasted him. That skin, those murderess eyes, those whimpers of pain and confused pleasure…

This small body was like a blank canva waiting for his talented hands to mark him in different shades of blues and reds. The temptation was too strong. He leaned on the wall next to Killua and took out his cock from his pants, stroking himself, having been aroused too many time in one evening.

Killua’s eyes widened and he looked away in disgust. This man really had no shame. But it was better this than the other option. So he tried to focus on anything in the room, the problem was that he couldn't shut his ears. He heard his evil words « sweet blood »… « soft withe skin »… Killua was feeling sick as now he was forced to have the exact same images as Hisoka in his head.

In a hoarse and commanding voice that seemed to come from the darkest places he heard Hisoka say **« look at me Killua » **

Killua turned to look at him with confusion and fear and he saw the pleasure take over Hisoka as he came right there and then. He at least had the decency not to cum on him, but he still wanted to trow up. He didn’t know why he turned, it felt like he didn’t have a choice.

Hisoka grabbed his chin and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. « Hmm, next time I promise it will be your turn to cum ». _Next time…_ He had to make sure they will never be a next time.

He released Killua’s hands from the wall and put one of his fingers on his shoulder. Killua didn't know what to expect anymore as he grew tired of all of this. But Hisoka seemed satisfied and was back to his usual composed self. He wasn’t paying attention to Killua himself but the gash it appeared. He used his bungee gum to hide it and stop the bleeding. He didn’t know Hisoka could do that. « It’s temporary, you’ll have to come up with something to explain it later, I’m sure you can handle it ». Killua put his hand on his shoulder, the texture of it felt strange, but there was no more blood.

Hisoka threw his shirt at him. Killua caught it and quickly put it on. He knew he would be done with Hisoka soon, but had no idea what would be happening next.

« Put your hands behind your back »

« I won’t escape, you know it »

« Put your hands behind your back unless you want me to do it ? »

That was enough to shut him up, he huffed in annoyance.

Hisoka attached his hands with bungee gum, leaving a string that went to his finger. He then unlocked the door and let him go out first. The bastard was still messing with him after all he had already managed to get from him. He was walking him like he was a dog. He wouldn’t let it get to him, even though it was hard to walk with pride like this, he managed to keep his cool.

Hisoka was enjoying himself, in truth he had been very pleased with his quality time with Killua. And Killua had enjoyed it… That made his grin grow wide. He knew it was only a matter of time. The boy was slowly becoming his. He was almost going to let him get to the good stuff. But of course, Kurapika had to interrupt them. If only the Kurta boy knew what he was doing when he texted him. His eyes would have glowed red instantly. Those beautiful eyes. Ah but he still needed him. He couldn’t let him find out. Yet.

He did get some release at the very least. Coming so hard with those wide eyes looking at him. It was satisfying for now.

He contemplated the idea of attaching him from the neck, making it obviously look like a leach, but he though that was too cruel. The boy had been good to him tonight.

They arrived at the room where Nobunaga was with Gon. It was pretty similar to where they had been before but with more fallen rocks and debris. Gon was sitting on them.

« Killua !! » He jumped to his friend . Hisoka had released his bungee gum. Letting them have their little reunion.

« Are you alright ? » He was holding Killua by the shoulders, his hand too close to the gash and the weird texture.

« Yeah I’m fine, and you ? » Killua’s seemed to be back to his usual self, forgetting Hisoka was even in the room.

« Yeah great ! Nobunaga didn’t do anything to me. I’m fine. Did Hisoka… touch you ? » He really looked concerned, he gave a quick look to Hisoka to try to get any information.

« Hmm, well not really, he did use bungee gum to attach me to the wall… That sucked ». He said putting his hands in his pocket and not wanting to meet Gon's eyes.

They really were kindred spirits, Hisoka thought, Killua was just as good a liar as he was.

« Well Nobunaga, like I was saying in my text, it appears I won’t be able to help you anymore… I have some errands in the city. As you see, the boy is unharmed, keep them this way ! »

« Oy ! Stop acting like that wasn’t my intention from the beginning ! »

Hisoka didn’t pay much attention to his remark, waved the boys goodbye and turned to leave.

« What’s on your back Hisoka ? » Nobunaga noticed his bloodied back. It got Gon’s attention too, Killua panicked a little inside but kept calm.

He had forgotten all about his own scratched back « Oh that ? Just a souvenir »

_God this clown was weird._ were Nobugana's thoughts as Hisoka was stepping out of the room.

—-

The boys were now sitting on the debris facing Nobunaga.

« Killua, did something happen to Hisoka when he was with you ? I don’t remember him having those marks on his back before.»

It was to his advantage Gon hadn’t thought it could have been Killua’s doing.

« Well, not that I know of, but he did leave me a few minutes in that room to go do something… I tried to get out of his bungee gum but couldn’t. I though he just left to mess with me and give me false hope but maybe something did happen ? »

That seem to clear a few questions in Gon’s head. He was now thinking what could have happen when he left Killua alone. He didn’t want Gon’s mind to wonder around other possibilities. He knew he’d worry, he had acted stupid with Hisoka earlier. He had to admit, the clown was clever and outwitted him all the time. But now they were back together and only had one spider to face. They could come up with a plan, it didn’t seem impossible anymore.

« You know, I wasn’t doing nothing in here » Gon suddenly said.

Killua head snapped up to look at him, he was worried something might have happened to Gon.

« I was thinking about Zepile con techniques, I was trying to remember them… »

He didn’t know where Gon was going with this, maybe he wasn’t going anywhere, this was Gon after all. It wasn’t unusual for him to let his mind wonder to simple things and share them with his friend.

« There was autopsy and cauterization and… and I was really struggling to remember that last one »

« Sorry Gon, can’t help you». That evening was starting to take his toll on Killua.

« Then I remembered, it was ostomy ! »

Killua turned to look at him, his eyes were steady and trying to communicate something… In an instant, Killua understood Gon's brilliant idea.

Having understood each other, they jumped straight to Nobunaga and operated their plan.

In less than 10 minutes, they were out of the building running straight to the city.

« We have to find Kurapika » Killua said.

« Well yeah, but Why ? »

« He can help us fight the spiders, he succeeded in killing one of them. He’s the chain guy! » and he was almost sure he was involved with Hisoka since he was the one who told Kurapika where the spiders would be. He wanted to know what was Hisoka up too. He didn’t seem to care about the spider's mission. Maybe if he understood his goals, he could have leverage on him the next time they met. He was hopping they wouldn't be a next time, but that was getting hard to garante.

« What !!??? How did he do that ? »

« That’s what I’d like to ask him. He could probably teach us some secrets we don’t know about nen… He could help us get stronger »

And with that in mind, the two boys raced back to York New city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is getting a bit more uncomfortable for some of you I presume.  
So let me know your thoughts. 
> 
> And also. I'd like to know if you want the next chapter to still be within the York New arc ?  
I have a lot prepared for the Greed Island arc so I'm hesitating on going directly to Greed Island. 
> 
> Let me know !


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait !  
And to make things worst... The chapter is super short ! Sorry !  
I decided to make an extra chapter of the York New Arc because I really wanted some interaction between Killua and Kurapika (since we won't be seeing him for the rest of the hxh story)  
But the good news is that I'm also almost done with the next chapter and it will be much longer ! 
> 
> And thanks kudos and comments !

**Chapter 06 - York New - Main focus**

Killua was shifting on his bed uneasy. To Gon’s surprise, he had chosen to have his own room this time, claiming he needed his space. Gon’s eyes had shown a little concern over that sudden decision.  


« Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just have one room ? » He tried to argue. 

Killua didn't get the time to give him an answer when Leorio interrupted them with a sly grin. He winked at Killua. « You are growing up fast, aren't you? Need your privacy now, huh ? ». And his hand was on killua’s head, playfully shuffling his hair. 

Killua stiffened, his body froze at that contact. He normally would have shoved Leorio’s arm away and have a clever come back, but he only felt his throat dry up and his mind go a little fuzzy. That seemed to have been noticed by kurapika. 

« Are you all right Killua ? » 

Killua’s head rose to the voice, still not really aware who was speaking until his eyes focused on the blond boy with piercing eyes. He sensed Gon’s presence come close to him, in a supporting way, but he didn’t look at him. 

« Yeah, of course » He said pulling slowly away from Leorio’s hand. « I was just thinking »

He gave Kurapika a look that meant _I need to talk to you later, alone_. He knew Kurapika would understand and that both Leorio and Gon wouldn’t notice. 

And that’s how he ended up in his small room a few hours before they were about to go face the phantom troupe once more. 

He heard a light knock on the door. 

« It’s open ». 

Slowly the door opened, revealing a still very tired Kurapika. His chest tighten as he felt the guilt rise, he didn’t want to add any more burden on Kurapika’s shoulder, but he did need information. Strength, money and information… the three pillars of the Zoldyck power. 

« You wanted to ask me something Killua ? » 

Killua had prepared his speech but somehow struggled to speak now. He was afraid Kurapika would see right through him. 

Kurapika kept silent and went to the chair next to the small wooden desk of the hotel room. He wasn’t showing any sign of impatience, taking that opportunity to relax a little himself. And slow down.

« I’m guessing it has something to do with Gon ? Since you didn’t want him here ? » 

That was his opportunity, confirming his assumption would help him get the focus off of himself. 

« Partly yes. You know how Gon can be sometime, he is so eager to help and prove himself… I’d like to just ask a few questions to understand the situation better. »

« I’m listening » Kurapika had now one leg over the other. his hands on his knee, sitting in a very elegant pose. 

« What deal did you make with Hisoka ? » 

Kurapika was obviously not expecting that question as his brows furrowed in a puzzled expression.  « Well, I told you, mainly information exchange… Our goals are connected ».

« What’s Hisoka’s goal ? » _What’s important to him ?_

« Killua… Why are you so concerned by Hisoka ? Is he after Gon again ? » 

_No, not Gon_. _They already fought, Gon isn’t his short term goal anymore._ But he couldn’t tell him that. « That’s what I’m trying to figure out, can you help me with that ? » He looked at Kurapika, trying to show just enough vulnerability to tap into his protective nature. « Please ? I’m worried for Gon ». 

Kurapika was now also worrying. He looked at Killua intently. « Well, of course Killua. I’m just not sure how. Hisoka wants to fight Chrollo, it appears he’s been targeting the spider’s boss for a few years now. That’s why he approached me, he is trying to get an opportunity to be alone with the boss, so he can fight him. I honestly don’t know what he would want from Gon except maybe a distraction ? ». 

Killua gulped. « Are you sure it’s just about fighting ? » He almost whispered to himself.

Kurapika’s eyes grew wide, as if he didn’t dare ask what Killua meant. « That’s what I know. » 

Killua looked away, trying to understand that information and how it could benefit him. If he’s been after Chrollo for years now, it means he is his priority. But that didn’t stop him from playing with Killua on the side… Was his fight with Chrollo taking too long ?

« And is he getting close to that goal ? » 

Silent fell again. They both looked at each other, trying to read one another. Kurapika uncrossed his legs and put one hand on each knee. « I’m not completely sure. I suppose he is since he’s always responsive when I need something. But he hasn’t shared with me the details on how my goal benefit his exactly. » 

It was obvious that Killua’s head was now spinning because Kurapika added. « I’m pretty sure he is just letting me bring enough chaos into the troupe for him to find his own opportunity. He might not have something too specific in mind ».

That answer didn’t change much it seemed. He knew Hisoka wouldn't waste his time if he didn’t gain something. 

« Okay, thanks Kurapika »

Kurapika didn’t move. « Now I would like to ask you a question too »

Killua knew it was only fair. He couldn’t just drop a bomb like that and not expect Kurapika to want to get to the bottom of it. 

« What makes you think that Gon is his target again ? » 

First thing first « Don’t mention anything to Gon. He gets excited by the challenge… And doesn’t think straight anymore ». Kurapika nodded, it was an understatement. « But it’s just an intuition. The way he looks at - Gon isn’t innocent. »

Kurapika worried look grew, his face got paler. Killua knew he was struggling to ask the next obvious question. « Why do you think it might not only be about fighting ? » 

_Because I know, because he already touched me, because he has no shame and no limit. _Killua made himself look confused. « I don’t really know, I’m familiar with bloodlust and it just felt different. What do you think ? » 

Kurapika had his hand on his chin, obviously thinking. His eyes were shimmering red. « I hope it’s not what I'm thinking… But you are right to want to stay away from him. I really am sorry you had to get involved with the Phantom Troupe. I should have warned you Hisoka was with them, even if he is only pretending. If it makes you feel better, he will have no role in the plan we just came up with. Hisoka does have a clear goal, if I tell him to stay away, he will. »

Killua gave him a small and timid smile. « Yeah, we shouldn’t have been so reckless ourselves. But thanks Kurapika. Once this is done, I’ll make sure Gon and I are far from the troupe. » 

Another pause. Kurapika hesitated a few seconds before getting up. As he was opening the door he stoped. « Killua, I have to ask, did Hisoka try anything with you too ? » 

Kurapika was sharp. « Of course not, why would he ? He and my brother have a deal… He can’t touch me ». _As if that would stop him. _

« Illumi ? »

« Yeah, they work occasionally together, small world for assassins » He tried to make it sound like a joke. 

Kurapika was now facing Killua with serious concern. « Just… If something happens, anything, please let me know. I don’t want you to think you are alone in this. You have me and Leorio. We all care about Gon… and you. » 

That’s rich coming from a guy that barely accepts any help. But he wanted an end to the conversation, so he simply lied again « Thanks, I will ».

With that Kurapika eyes tingled with the tiniest smile, and he left Killua alone with his thoughts. 

The boy collapsed on his bed, letting his heart race the way it wanted to this whole time. He put his shaking hands on his face inhaling deeply. _It’s okay_, he just needed to avoid Hisoka for the rest of the mission and then they’d be on Greed Island. Safe and sound. 

——

At the Phantom Troupe hide out, after Pakunoda had left with the boys. Hisoka was contemplating his options to get out of this place without compromising the boss's life. He knew just who he could rely on for such a delicate affair as he pulled his phone out and opened the messaging tab. 

Hisoka : Care for me to owe you a favor ? 

Illumi : I’m at the Golden Hawk hotel’s bar if you want to talk.

Hisoka : Never has an offer been so difficult to refuse. I can’t leave my spot actually… Hence the help.

Illumi : Fine. What is it ?

Hisoka was now typing to explain the situation and the specific help he needed. He knew Illumi liked having Hisoka owing him and wasn’t worried to get his demand rejected. He felt so confident that he decided to play with fire a little. 

Hisoka : I saw your brother earlier… He was captured yet again by the troupe. 

A few minutes passed and Hisoka thought that Illumi wasn’t going to grace him with an answer. But the phone vibrated with a message once more.

Illumi : I know.

He looked at the 3 dots indicating that Illumi was still typing. 

Illumi : He knows better than to mess with the troupe. I guess I should thank you for keeping an eye on him. Especially since your precious prey was far from your grasp… 

Hisoka grinned devilishly. He knew exactly that this was a calm warning from Illumi. He probably didn’t know that he had played with his brother because if he had, there wouldn’t be a warning. It was just a kind reminder of their deal, and of the fact that Illumi always kept an eye on the whereabouts of the boys. 

The idea of Illumi finding out was so exciting for him… He really couldn’t say why he craved chaos so much. Why he wanted to play with Killua’s fragile mind while enjoying his strong body. Why the thought of Illumi joining in with the intent to kill him excited him… But that was all for some other day. Tonight, he was going to enjoy a meal that he had been preparing for too long. Chrollo Lucilfer was finally going to be his opponent. 

He only wrote a few words for an answer : Can’t wait to see you. 

He put his phone back in his pocket and looked all the remaining Phantom Troupe who never seemed to care about Hisoka’s behaviors. Even after finding out that he supposedly had been manipulated by the chain user. 

—-

From the airship, Kurapika saw Hisoka arrive at the airport, his mind panicked. What was he doing? he had made it clear he didn’t want him involved in this plan. 

But he did have his target in custody… and it made sense the magician wouldn’t let this chance past. Hisoka was always a loose canon and he shouldn’t have forgotten that. 

He looked over at Pakunoda who was also panicking and expressing her disagreement, she was probably thinking that the boss would get killed because of Hisoka’s selfishness. 

His phone rang and it was of course none other than Hisoka himself. 

« Let me get on board, you know why I’m here. If you don’t… I’ll kill the boys ». 

Kurapika heart sank at that idea, he was thinking back at his discussion with Killua. How he was afraid for Gon’s safety. He looked over at them. Gon seemed calm and collected, but Killua… He didn’t seem happy at all to see Hisoka there. He looked- scared. Killua was the one of the two that was the most aware of danger, but even so, his look was unsettling. What made this confident and level headed boy show so much worry in his eyes ? 

« Fine! Don’t touch Gon or Killua ». 

Kurapika sat down, his heart was racing and he felt tired from the long days and nights trying to get to the bottom of this. Once his friends got involved, everything about his revenge plan had gone wrong. And the guilt was now eating him alive. His friends had been endangered because of him and he had a hard time living with that thought. 

He closed his eyes to try to shut himself from his reality just for a few moments. But he felt the eyes of the cause of this whole mess on him, piercing him. Anger took over the guilt, he had only one desire, throw one more punch in the face of that man when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

He opened his eyes and saw Leorio's calm eyes on him. In a fraction of a second, all of those emotions left him and he was able to breathe smoothly again. 

« It’s only a matter of minutes now before the boys are safe and sound again. You did good Kurapika. » Leorio was saying in that deep voice of his. 

There wasn’t much he could say beside « thank you, Leorio ». 

—-

Inside the airship, Killua and Gon were sitting side by side, waiting to arrive at their destination and finally putting the Phantom Troupe behind them. Pakunoda had a serious look on her face, and was silent, eager to get this done with, while Hisoka was, loyal to himself, playing with his cards, ignoring the awkwardness of the situation. 

Killua was thinking of Kurapika’s words on what was Hisoka’s goal. It was more than clear now, with the way he was ignoring them that Chrollo was his priority. That was the only thing that made him stay somewhat calm while being only a few meters from Hisoka. 

He wanted the exchange to be done quickly so they could go back to their own goal, getting inside Greed Island. He hoped that he was nothing more than a toy to pass the time until Hisoka got to his real target. That there would be no reason for their path to cross ever again. He was doing his best not to listen to the part of him that felt slightly disappointed to have been so easily discarded by Hisoka. 

« Killua » Gon’s interrupting his thoughts was welcomed. When he turned to see what Gon wanted from him, he missed the slight grin on Hisoka’s face. 

« Yeah ? » 

« Do you think Kurapika is disappointed ? » He had that serious frown on his face. The one that only appeared when he felt concern for his close friends. 

« I don’t know, why do you ask ? » 

« He wanted his revenge… And us getting captured stoped him from getting it. I’m personally glad, but I’m guessing he must be a bit sad now, don’t you think ? » 

That was somehow obvious now that he mentioned it. « I suppose… » Sad. disappointed. « But he will be able to put all of this behind him, so hopefully, he’ll get some rest now » 

« Yeah, you’re right ! » Gon smiled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you liked the chapter and share your thoughts !  
I'm not a huge Hisoillu shipper, but I do like them. But in this fic, Illumi is a bit too obsessed with his brother to care about anyone else. He's a bit narrow minded like that... 
> 
> Thanks for sticking around !


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That chapter is super long ! I was thinking of spliting it, but than it would have made two short chapters... So I edited instead.  
It might seem like it's going all over the place tho... Hope the flows is ok. 
> 
> Thanks again for the great comments and the kudos !  
I can't even believe people like my shit writing !  
But bless to all who are giving me a chance. 
> 
> Greed Island ! One of my favorite arc !  
And Hisoka will be a bit more present for the next chapters...

**Chapter 07 - Greed Island - No cheating **

« Killua, it’s almost the end of the year ! The hunter exam ! » Gon screamed as he realized what date they were.

Killua and Gon had been training with Biscuit for weeks now. They had managed to get inside Greed Island but the place turned out more challenging than expected and their nen did need more practice.

Time floated here just the same as in the real world, meaning that Killua’s chance of becoming a hunter was just around the corner. He wasn’t too pleased to stop his training now, but the license was an important tool and he needed to get something from the outside world. Something he would like to surprise both Gon and Biscuit with.

After finding the fastest way to get back to the real word. Gon had only encouraging words and advices for Killua « I can’t wait to see your badge ! Send my regards to the Kiriko family !»

« I will. I’ll be back in no time ! »

And with those last words, he was bidding farewell to both Gon and Biscuit, on his way back to the real world.

—-

The exam was cleared in less than two hours, he knew it would be easy, but he thought they'd still want him to go through all the phases.

So there he was, in the middle of the city with a lot of time to spare before the estimated time he gave Gon. He took a moment to look at his newly acquired badge. He was a hunter now. He was expecting to be more happy about it but he still didn’t know what he wanted to do with the badge. There were many types of hunters, there was bound to be one that would suit him ? Black list hunter maybe. He already knew the underworld and had the set of skills for it. But it felt too close from his other life.

He tossed his badge back in his pocket, pulled his phone out and typed a message.

It took only a few seconds to have an answer.

Milluki : I have them. Send the money and you’ll have them via Falcon as usual.

Killua found himself hesitating. He looked at the time and made a last minute change of plan.

Killua : Don’t bother, I’ll be home before the sun sets.

And so he took the first blimp back to Kukuro Mountain.

Back home, he had managed to avoid his mother and got straight to Milluki’s depressing apartments in the lower floors with all his toys and gadgets. He was sure some of them had « pleasuring » functions. He didn’t dare think of Milluki enjoying himself on his own, the image alone brought chill.

Milluki was expecting him with the desired items in a small box he was holding. Killua was typing away on his phone « Look at your bank account, the money should be there ».

Milluki pulled his phone slowly and took his time to verify that everything was good, that he received the right amount, that there was no tricks… « Milluki! I wouldn’t try something stupid, come on! » Killua blurted out exasperated by his brother’s paranoia.

Milluki looked up « Fine, here are your dumb yoyos… Honestly, you really are a kid. Like those could be weapons ». He said, rolling his eyes, a wall of toys behind him.

Killua was too happy to have his 50 kilos yoyos to let Milluki’s comment get to him, he started bouncing them a little to test them.

« Hey ! Don’t play with those here ! » Milluki snapped. « Have you any idea how much those action figures cost !? Go play somewhere else, you got what you wanted ».

Killua was satisfied with his new yoyos and just grinned « Sorry brother, I’ll get out of your hair! » and he put the yoyos in his pocket.

Milluki ignored him as he went back to his computer. Killua was about to leave but he stoped when Milluki called his name. « So… you managed to get a copy of Greed Island… » He said slowly avoiding meeting his eyes. It wasn’t a question, but he did want an answer.

Milluki had wanted to snag a copy and was probably angry that his younger brother had succeeded where he had failed. His own expertise nonetheless.

« Not really. It was too expansive, but we realized we didn’t really need to own it to play inside it. So… » Milluki didn’t grace him with an answer, he noticed his shoulder relax tho. He stayed a second before he dared to ask « How did you find out ? »

Milluki snorted at that. « Illumi of course, he keeps updating father and mother »

_Illumi ?_ « Is he here ? »

He only got a shrug from Milluki as he went back to his screens, making it obvious that he didn’t have anything else to say.

Killua left closing the door slowly and walked up the stairs. The mansion seemed quite empty, even the butlers were no where to be found. His mom was apparently helping Kalluto for a big mission. Something different than what he and the rest of his brothers had to go through. That explained why everything was quiet.

He wondered if Illumi was here. But if he was, he would have come to him. It was always like that wasn’t it ? At least in the past few years. While his mind was thinking of the last time he had seen Illumi, his feet got him to the hallway that led to his brother’s apartments. They were in the furthest wing of the mansion. Illumi could get in and out without passing by the front door. He liked that privilege.

He stoped himself before he got too close to his door. His mind was screaming at him to leave. But a strange part of him felt frustrated that his brother wasn’t there for him when he came back to visit. He tried to feel Illumi’s presence but no aura seemed to come from his room. He turned his back to leave when the door opened behind him.

« Leaving without saying hello to me ? » Came Illumi’s emotionless voice.

Killua turned, hesitant. « I just came to get some things from Milluki ». His hands went inside his pockets, confirming the existence of the said objects. Milluki's comment came back to his mind and he didn’t feel like showing his brother the yoyos. He didn’t want him to think he was a kid.

« Is that all ? » Killua lifted his head to meet his eyes « What else would there be ? » He said in defiance. Would Illumi dare say anything ? Would he dare acknowledge what he was hoping for ?

Illumi looked behind Killua, at the empty hall. « The front door is far from here ».

It was. He had no comeback for that. He still wasn’t sure how he found himself here again. But then he remembered something.

« I’m a hunter now. »

He had wanted a reaction from Illumi but all he got was an empty gaze. Nothing ever phased him and it drove him mad. He wanted some form of recognition from Illumi. Why was he hoping for something so impossible ? Why did it matter to him so much ? That Illumi could feel anything close to what an older brother could feel.

Illumi took a step closer and put his hand on his shoulder. « I heard »

Of course he did.

The hand on the shoulder was now caressing his neck with care. « You were the only one to get it this year ».

His other took his chin and he locked his eyes on his « I’m proud of you, Killu ».

But his eyes weren’t filled with pride. They were filled with desire, the only thing he would ever get from him. And with that last thought, he felt Illumi’s lips on his. Tender, sweet and so wrong…

His throat tighten as he felt tears fill his eyes. He moved himself away from the kiss and Illumi didn’t react to it. He looked up only to find him as impassive as ever, patiently waiting for him. And in a second of weakness, he let his forehead fall on his brother chest and he held on to him, seeking the illusion of affection and warmth.

Illumi’s fingers were caressing his hair softly. « Come with me Killu ». He took his hand in his and led him to his room. And Killua let him. The shame was blurring his mind and the familiarity of his brother’s body and touches was all he could focus on.

He felt lost once more as his back touched the softness of the mattress. Enrapt by his brother’s hands and lips. How easy everything felt when he stopped struggling. It was too late anyway. It was many years too late.

Illumi took his shirt off with so much care, taking the time to feel his skins underneath him. A precious gift to be unwrap gently or else it could break. Feathered kisses were falling all over his chest now. The longing for his brother was intoxicating and from deep inside Killua dared to voice a desire.

« Could you cut me… ? »

Illumi stoped himself. He sat up and there was a hint of surprise on his face. Killua swallowed hard, he wasn’t sure where that demand came from. An image of Hisoka passed through his mind.

« Please ? » He added simply as he took his brother's hand and put it on his sternum.

They stayed like this for many seconds. As if time itself stopped. Killua was beginning to think Illumi wouldn’t do such a thing, not on his bed, not when he didn’t have to. But his nail turned into a dagger and he slowly traced a line down his chest.

A fine red lined appeared, like he was painting with his finger. Killua didn’t care about the pain, he was looking at Illumi, trying to find any hint of arousal from that action.

Once he reached his navel, Illumi took his hand off of him and looked at his work. A deep red line in the middle of immaculate perfect skin. The contrast was beautiful. He looked into Killua’s blue eyes wondering if he was satisfied but found only curiosity in them. He was beautiful. 

He lowered himself to his stomach and darted his tongue to catch the bead of blood that was rolling on Killua’s flesh. He licked it and traced back the cut with his tongue and went to reach the nape of his neck. Killua shuddered under the sensuality of that wet feeling. It felt different from all the other time they were together. Like he gained something new.

He closed his eyes and let his hands grab Illumi’s long hair, guiding his mouth back to his. He was now hungry for more and didn’t want to stop anymore. He shot his mind and let his body take control.

Illumi knew what he wanted and slowly got rid of the remaining fabrics separating them. And Killua let him.

—-

Killua was laying naked in his brother's arm. This time he didn’t run for the shower the second they were done. This time, he was facing the reality of that night.

« What’s wrong with us ? ». Killua whispered in the dark.

Those words made Illumi rise up to look at Killua, trying to read him. 

« Wrong ? »

Killua bit his lower lip, he didn’t know why he said those words out loud, he knew they’d be foreign to Illumi.

« We are Zoldycks, nothing is wrong about us. We are the mighty, _we_ are what’s right Killu. Don’t let insignificant lowlives put those ideas in your head ».

He kissed Killua on the forehead, as if that gesture would make his doubts disappear and replace them with confidence that any of this was right.

« You are perfect Killu ». He said between kisses.

Killua turned his head to look with empty eyes at his disregarded clothes on the floor as he let Illumi worship his body once more.

—-

It felt good to be back at Greed Island. Maybe because it wasn't the real world, it gave him comfort to be there. 

They have been looking for strong nen users to face Razor and his crew and so far they had Gon, Biscuit, Goreinu, himself and now… Hisoka.

That was troubling but he had to admit he was a great addition. If only they didn’t get to see him naked and have him watch their asses. The fact that he didn’t care about the game itself was a great advantage for them but it also meant he was up to no good. But what exactly ?

Gon wasn’t bothered at all by Hisoka tagging along, sure he didn’t like the way he had looked at them but he also knew he was capable of behaving. And they needed someone like him who was mostly helping out of boredom. Maybe he encountered other eccentrics like himself in the game. Didn’t they attract each other ? He whispered his thoughts to Killua who replied « That would include us too you dimwit! »

Gon shrugged at that comment and decided to ask anyway.

« Hey Hisoka ? Did you meet anyone like you in the game ? »

Hisoka turned to look at his sweet Gon, he clearly didn’t understand his question. « someone like me ? »

« Yeah, I mean, a strong Nen user who doesn't care about the game. »

« I’m afraid I am one of a kind sweet Gon »

Gon looked down in deep reflexion, disappointed by the fact his idea didn't bring anything. 

« But I know an interesting place that would attract people like me ».

And that's how they ended up in Aiai. It had a big heart coming out of it’s tallest building. It didn’t take too long for Killua to understand what kind of place this was. People where kissing everywhere, love hotels were almost at every corner, boutiques with very kinky clothes and objets where everywhere. They were some « normal » places around, but they all seemed like they were celebrating Valentine’s day on steroids. Was Gon’s father also a pervert ?

Speaking of which, where did Gon go ? He looked around, Goreinu was off trying to make a girl he had tripped over forgive him, Biscuit was flirting with some guy, talking about her hair or something… But he couldn’t find Gon.

« I bet you could find a tall slender man with long black hair somewhere… » a sultry voice whispered in his ear. Figures, Hisoka would be the only one he couldn’t lose.

He rolled his eyes « Not interested ».

« You’re right, when you travel it’s important to have new experiences. How about we go to that love hotel. I’m sure we can be fast enough that no one would notice we even left. »

He did look at the love hotel and his mind did calculate how long it would take… But that was because he was a fast thinker, not because he actually considered it. Hisoka was messing with him again and he hated that he seemed to have read his thoughts.

And that's when he spotted Gon next to the love hotel, _finally_. He left Hisoka who handled rejection like a pro and went to Gon.

Gon had, of course, fallen to the « Damsel in destress » trap. The bandits were lying around, knocked out. The girl was trying to make Gon accept her gratitude by taking him out for a drink. Gon was smiling shyly trying to make her understand he wasn’t interested but was failing miserably as the boy’s cute shyness seemed to make the girl insist more.

« Leave him alone you skanky brat ! He’s not interested !! » He was mostly venting on her, but as she left in a huff he thought it at least worked.

« You didn’t have to be so rude Killua »

Killua shrugged « she’s a game character, she was only going to leave you alone if you were firm with her. Anyway, what were you doing saving her ? Don’t you know she’ll be right back in that corner being harassed by the same bandits tomorrow ? »

« Really ? »

« Yeah, that’s how game characters work usually, they repeat the same words and activities in loop »

Gon looked in the direction the girl had went off. « That’s actually sad… »

It was if you stoped to think of it, of course only Gon would. That made him smile. « Well, look at it this way, at least today, the harassement stopped earlier because of you, she now has the day off ». Gon looked at his friend and smiled, he felt lucky to have Killua with him.

« Come on, we should leave this place, I don’t know why we listened to Hisoka… Let’s go get Biscuit and Goreinu »

Goreinu was happy when the boys got him out of his vortex of never ending « sorries » but Biscuit was another problem. He wasn’t expecting her to be such a pervert. And it was even more disturbing that she looked like a 10 year old barbie girl. She was pushing the boys away from her saying things like « Oh these two? No! They are just lost boys I’m helping ! They are too young for me ».

Killua was loosing patience, Biscuit was definitely not going to move any time soon.

« I am sorry sir, could I steal this delicate lady from you ? I’d like to invite her for a drink ».

Killua and Gon turned in disbelief as they saw Hisoka, smiling sensually with a flower in his hand. Biscuit had turned red, she smiled stupidly and muffled a « sure » leaving the "sir" speechless. Hisoka was taking Biscuit by the arm in direction of the closest bar.

_What had just happened… ?_ Was Hisoka really flirting with Biscuit ? As they entered the very pink bar with sparkles and hearts all over the walls, they sat in the furthest booth. Hisoka wasn’t paying attention to Biscuit anymore as he was now looking at the wine selection. Biscuits was still flushed, sitting next to Hisoka looking like a teen girl on a first date.

Goreinu had also followed quietly, deciding it was best to keep low profile with this group. Too many strong headed people. He waved for the waitress to come over. Gon and Killua sat last, Killua ended up somehow next to Hisoka. He obviously wasn’t happy to be here as he had wanted to leave this stupid place, but decided to shut up for once, everyone seemed to think a drink or two wouldn’t do any harm. Maybe they could take that time to come up with a plan to find new recruits.

Hisoka dropped the wine menu when the waitress came, apparently nothing seemed to satisfy his taste so he asked for a bottle of their strongest whisky and 5 glasses. Goreinu looked like he had planed to order something else but stopped himself from saying anything. Biscuit seemed to like being taken care of by Hisoka. Gon was always easygoing in these situations, he probably didn’t even know what whisky was and Killua… Well, he wanted to protest for good measure, but he liked whisky.

The bottle arrived a few minutes later with a bucket of ice. They all started to drink silently. It was stronger than what he was used too, but felt good. Just like poison and diseases, alcohol had no effect on him. That’s why his parents never stoped him from drinking. They had a huge cellar in the Zoldyck mansion, his parents enjoyed good alcohol and it was common in their field to settle deals over expensive drinks.

He had to admit, it did feel nice to just sit there and enjoy a nice burning drink. He didn’t really feel like talking about plans anymore, he wanted to relax for once. Especially since Hisoka had find a way to keep Biscuit quiet for a change. Goreinu tried to open the conversation by asking what every one was doing before coming to Greed Island. They all gave simple and short answers and the conversation had died. Goreinu finished his glass awkwardly, apparently he didn’t hold his alcohol very well since his cheeks were already turning red.

Hisoka kept filling Biscuit drink. It was now obvious he was doing this to keep her in check, it worked marvelously as she took every glass refill as a mark of Hisoka’s affection for her.

Killua heard a hiccup on his left. He saw Gon with blurry eyes smiling sheepishly. _Shit !_ He totally forgot to warn Gon to be careful with his drinking. He somehow thought Gon would only taste it and find it disgusting like most first drinkers. Apparently he didn’t want to feel left out and had finished two glasses already… And he had drank them fast too.

He heard Hisoka chuckle at the sight of Gon, it was a good thing he was standing in between them. Hisoka could have tried something to mess with drunk Gon. He did enjoy his games. Killua sighed, he had to keep an eye on Gon now, he never saw him drunk and didn’t know if it would get him super excited or if it would calm him. He would have to remind himself to make him drink lots of water before going to bed.

The bottle was now almost empty, Goreinu had fallen asleep. Biscuit who was now more then just tipsy got tired of Hisoka not making a move on her and decided to go flirting with some guys in another booth. She loved being complemented and spoiled by men. Well he didn’t really have to worry about her, she could kick anyone's ass on Greed Island, except maybe Hisoka, he couldn’t tell. Gon was now definitely too drunk to move from his spot. He was muttering things and would giggle on his own from time to time. The rest of the time, he seemed spaced out. Something to keep in mind, alcohol calmed hyperactive Gon.

There was only Hisoka left sipping his drink. « Should I order another bottle ? I’m pretty sure you could handle it ». Killua shrugged, they hadn’t eaten yet, the only thing more alcohol could do to him is make him more hungry. He found it odd that Hisoka hadn’t tried something to make him angry again. Maybe alcohol made him nicer ? He decided it would be a good opportunity to try to get some answers.

« So what are you up to anyway Hisoka ? »

« The usual, enjoying life’s pleasures » He said casually.

« Why are you in Greed Island ? »

« Oh, I though you wanted to start a casual chitchat… If you want information from me, how about we make it interesting ? » He pulled out a game of card. « Let's play a little game, each hand you win, you get to ask a question. Each hand I win, I get to do the same ».

Killua pondered the idea. He was curious about what Hisoka was up to. He tried to think what information could Hisoka get from him. Did he have any dangerous information to keep secret ? Hisoka already knew all about Kurapika’s nen. He hasn’t been with his family for the past year so he wasn’t up to date on anything regarding the business… And he didn’t suck at card games.

« No cheating »

« No cheating »

« Fine ! »

Hisoka drew the cards, the game was pretty simple, it was mostly luck even though you had to keep track of the cards as they would drop.

Killua won the first hand, he smiled proudly.

« Ok, why are you here ? »

« I am here to find a solution for Chrollo’s problem »

« Why ? Did you find it ? »

« ah. ah. We have to play again. »

Hisoka won the next hand. Of course.

« When did you start playing with Illumi ? »

Killua froze… he should have seen it coming but he didn’t. He somehow made himself believe that Hisoka only asked those questions to mess around with him. He didn’t think he cared enough to actually want answers.

He looked around. No one seemed to have noticed they were playing this game. Goreinu was still sleeping, Biscuit looked like she had forgotten all about them and Gon was still laughing on his own.

He sighed : « I’m not really sure… I think I was somewhere around 8 years old… ».

Hisoka didn’t comment and drew another hand. He won again.

« Do you enjoy it ? »

He really wanted to get under his skin did he ? He wanted to lie but he knew Hisoka would see right trough him. And the fact that he was hesitating was an answer in itself.

He took a deep breath and stared at his drink, his thumb robbing on the condensation of the glass. « Not at first, I didn’t… » It was true. He hated it at first, but obliged because he felt it was his special thing with Illumi. Something they shared outside of killing and torture session. 

Hisoka had a little smile at that answer, but still kept silent.

They played again and Hisoka won once more. It was obvious by now that he was somehow cheating. He couldn’t prove it though, he didn’t see anything that would inculpate him. Hisoka probably let him win the first round to make him think he had a chance, giving him just enough information to keep him in the game. So he didn’t say anything and bit his tongue in slight irritation.

« Have you though of having sex with me ? »

He had stopped using the word « play ». It was getting ridiculous. They both knew what they were talking about and no one payed attention to them. That was the worst question so far. He wanted to trow the cards to his face and leave with a big fuss but he swallowed his pride.

« Yes… »

Hisoka didn’t hide his content smile and played again. Another win for the clown.

He was afraid of the next question now.

« How long have you and Gon been on Greed Island ? »

That took Killua by surprise. Is as him they had rebooted the game and nothing had been said before.

« Four months now ». He said slowly, waiting for the trap that never came.

And they kept playing like this, Hisoka won every round but didn’t ask awkward questions anymore. He mostly was asking about Killua’s tastes, what they had been up to, he asked him about his hunter exam too. For a moment there, Killua had forgotten that Hisoka was a creep who had molested him more than once now. He was actually enjoying himself. The second bottle was almost empty.

« When was your last time with Illumi ? »

They were three hands to the end of the game and Hisoka was back to those uncomfortable questions.

« After the hunter exam a few weeks ago… » He had been ashamed of himself because this time, he was the one who sought Illumi.

Hisoka won the hand after that, no surprise there.

« I know you’ve been cheating ». Killua said.

« Can you prove it ? »

« Is that your question ? » He looked at Hisoka with his mischievous look.

Hisoka smiled, _smart boy_. He liked how cunning he was. Sure, he was still no match for Hisoka yet… but soon maybe. He felt himself getting slightly aroused now.

« No. Do you want to get a room upstair ? » He was daring he knew. But this was a card game, you had to go full out or go home.

Killua sighed in relief, the answer came quickly this time « No. »

Hisoka’s smile widened. Did he know his little trick would entice him ? And make him ask that question ? _Oh Killua_…

Finally the last hand came, Killua was out of ideas to keep Hisoka from asking embarrassing questions. He wanted to get this over with.

But Killua won that one. He was so surprised he hadn’t any question prepared. Why did he accept the game again ?

Hisoka was amused at Killua’s reaction. He felt generous, he had been impressed at the little trick he had pulled on him and he wasn’t really trying to hide anything anyway.

Killua was still thinking. _Oh right, Chrollo_, what’s more important ? how he was planning on healing him or if he already got what he needed ? But for some reason the question that came out was :

« Do you really want to have sex with me or are you just enjoying messing around ? » why was he asking that question ? He had wanted to avoid that topic all night and he dived right into it.

Hisoka smiled at that question. _Soon_.

He got dangerously close to Killua who's heart started to race but didn't make any move to get away.

« Oh I do want you little boy ». He paused to have a quick look at Gon before getting back to the delicious creature in front of him. « I love Gon’s innocent spirit just as much I love your darkness. I love how your hands has taken so many lives, how your body was molded to endure pain and…» He let that last word linger as he put a hand on Killua's thigh. « How you already know the pleasure of the flesh. » His face was now inches away from him, he could smell the whiskey on his breath. Alcohol didn't have any affect on him, but Hisoka's words sure did. « I love that I don’t have to wait for you to grow up… I just have to wait for you to realize how much you want to know what it’s like to be with someone other than Illumi. Someone with so much experience to share… » His hand griped Killua's flesh and Hisoka closed his eyes letting a soft moan from his lips.

There was no doubt what Hisoka was picturing at that very moment.

Killua body felt like it was pinned down by Hisoka's aura. He couldn't think straight as he watched Hisoka get back to his drink as if nothing happened. He couldn't move, trapped between two opposite impulse : run away or jump on him.

« I think you should get him to bed ». 

Hisoka statement snapped him out of his stupor. He was obviously talking about Gon.

« I would love to be the one to tuck him in, but I have a feeling you won’t let me. Plus, I’m not done having fun just yet. »

Killua scolded himself and found the strength to get up and put Gon on his back. A situation that happened many time before, though it was usually because he had been reckless in a fight. He hoped he wouldn’t trow up on his neck.

He could carry Goreinu too, but didn’t feel like it as he kicked the old man to wake him up. « Hey ! time to go to bed ».

Goreinu woke up startled and looked around him, his gaze fell on Hisoka and then on Killua carrying Gon. « Follow me ». Killua looked in Biscuit direction « Biscuit !! We are going upstair to sleep ! Try not to stay up too late, we’ll have breakfast here at 9 am tomorrow ! »

« Yes big brother ! » She said in the cutest voice she could muster in her drunken state. Then he heard her go back to her « fans » « He is soooo protective of me… I just love my brothers ! ».

Killua rolled his eyes in annoyance. He made sure not to cross eyes with Hisoka as he went upstairs, to the many available rooms. It seems all buildings in the city had available rooms. Ging was definitely a pervert.

The room turned out to be pretty sober which was a relief, he couldn’t bear the idea of explaining things to Gon. Goreinu had followed like a zombie and went straight for the couch. He probably won’t remember how he got here the next morning. Serve him right.

He put Gon on the bed who had been imagining he was riding a horse and kept trying to feed Killua imaginary carrots. He wished he had a camera to film this and show him tomorrow… He though, sighing softly. After taking his boots off, he went and got two glasses of water. He put one next to Goreinu and pulled Gon up to make him drink his before he fell completely asleep.

Gon appeared thirsty which made it an easy task.

As he was undressing himself, Killua's mind wondered on how full of surprises Greed Island turned out. Ging had designed it to train hunters and specifically his son it seemed. He probably wasn’t expecting him to get his first hangover here though.

Then a creepy thought find its way... Did he design this city to give Gon the opportunity to experience flirting and… all that came afterwards ? That made him uneasy, maybe he thought his son would have gotten here older ? Unless you were supposed to get your first experiences at 13 ? He looked at Gon's goofy grin and thought he didn’t seem ready. He was fearless and curious, sure… But he just couldn’t imagine him with someone. Even his body still looked like a child’d body. Puberty hadn’t hit him yet. That though made his heart sink a little. He didn’t look any older than Gon…

He had wanted to take a shower but he felt drained of all energy and decided to go to sleep. Wearing only his shirt and boxer, he fell on the bed next to Gon. He turned the light off and turned on his side to let sleep finally take him.

As he was drifting off, he felt a soft hand reach his side. He turned and found a sleeping Gon with a small grin on his face as he cuddled closer to Killua. He held his breath, too afraid to move. Gon nuzzled his nose in his neck.

« I’m happy to be here with you Killua ». Came gon sleepy voice.

Those word felt like an arrow had pierced his heart as he struggled to keep a small sob from escaping his mouth. He swallowed hard, trying his best not to let his self loathing take over. His first impulse was to move away from Gon’s grasp. He didn’t want Gon to touch his disgusting self.

But instead, he put his hand on Gon’s hand and hold on to it as if his sanity depended on it.

It sure felt like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually really enjoyed writing this chapter, especially Hisoka and Killua's interaction at the bar.  
Biscuit is also very fun to write ! 
> 
> And yeah, I made Aiai a bit more 18+  
Imagine the Red Light district of Amsterdam... Kinda. 
> 
> I'm always curious to get feedback of any kind !  
Your thoughts are always appreciated !  
See you soon, I hope !


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a while !  
Not my best chapter, but I love that part of the story, so I just wanted to write it with some perspective. 
> 
> Can't believe I'm getting close to hit the 100 kudos !!  
Thanks for reading and being patient with me!

**Chapter 08 - Greed Island - Perfect duo **

Killua woke up the next morning with Gon’s arm still around him in a possessive yet protective way. He wasn’t sure what went through Gon’s mind to suddenly want to get this close to him. Maybe the alcohol made him clingy.

He slowly lifted his arm away and took a look around their room. Goreinu was already gone. He was about to look a the clock next to his bed...

« It’s 9:15 kids !! I should have known you’d be the ones sleeping in after acting all bossy with me to meet at 9 am sharp ! I should make you both start the day with 100 pushups, but I want to get a start early this morning so you’re in luck ! »

Biscuit was staring at them with a surprising amount of energy for someone who had a lot to drink and probably stayed up late. Gon woke up at her loud voice, rubbing his eyes having only heard part of the conversation. « Where are we ? Did we find people to help us against Razor ?». He wasn’t his shipper self, but he didn’t seem as hungover as he thought he’d be. He really wasn’t normal.

Killua didn’t feel like explaining everything. « No, come on Gon, get up, drink water, we have to figure this out this morning. » He turned to Biscuit « Sorry Biscuit, we’ll be there in 5 ». As she rolled her eyes and was about to leave, Killua ran after her.

« Hey Biscuit, hmmm… Is everyone already awake and ready ? ».

« Yes ! Goreinu just came in a few minutes ago. » She paused a few second and added « and Hisoka was already in the dining room when I arrived. Need something from either of them ? »

Killua blinked at her « N… No, of course not, I was just making sure no one left. We can’t afford to lose anyone ».

Biscuit rolled her eyes at him and left him to get ready.

—-

At the breakfast table, it ended up being Gon who came up with the best idea : Tsezguerra and his crew. They were obviously very strong, the only problem was that they were also after the cards and way ahead of them in the game. But they didn’t seem to have a better option.

After meeting with them, they came to the same conclusion. They were now 9 with a very good chances of winning the challenges. They could find some red shirts to fill the quota required and since they knew most of the challenges, they felt like odds were in their favor.

And they were right.

They were winning the first challenges, until Razor decided to make it more interesting. He offered a dodge ball game facing him, and 7 of his nen creatures. This did increase the hype with an all or nothing kind of gamble.

Goreinu had made two gorilla nen beasts appear to complete their team since the red shirts had ran away. Killua couldn't blame them, Razor was very powerful. And he knew Gon was aware of it. He had that excited smile of his.

Gon was really enjoying Greed Island, this game was well designed. Tailer made for Gon. His father might had abandoned him when he was two, but somehow, in these two years, he had managed to understand his son perfectly and predict his every move. Ging must be some heck of a hunter. Gon was many step behind, but as he grew, the distance got shorter, he would find Ging sooner or later, and then... Well, Killua still had that part to figure out. If he was honest, he hoped they’d still want to travel together after they find Ging.

The game had begun, and Razor wasn’t kidding around. Finding out that Gon was Ging’s son didn’t make him go easy on him. On the contrary, he was daring him to live up to his father’s expectations. Well, he was going to be surprised, Gon is the most thick headed kid there is, and if he decided he was going to win this game, he’d figure out a way to.

Razor grinned at Gon's audacity as he stood, feet firmly on the ground, ready for whatever was coming at him. It was Razor's turn to throw the ball, and just as anyone predicted, he aimed for none other than Gon. He took the blow and was propelled outside the ring.

« Gon ! Are you alright ? »

But Gon was barely acknowledging Killua and Biscuit's worried looks. He was enjoying this, fully concentrated on the challenge ahead of him.

Killua sighed and looked at the situation, Razor really was wiping the floor with them. They were down to three, Hisoka, Biscuit and himself. Gon could still use back thought.

On the other team, they had managed to clear some nen players out, thanks to Hisoka mainly, but the nen players were never the real problem. Razor was. Even if he was left alone, he still wouldn’t be easy to beat. He was getting ready to throw another one of his powerful balls at them.

Killua saw the ball arriving right at him, he knew if he took it, he was risking being propelled out and/or take some serious damages. It was better to avoid it. At the last minute, he dodged right but the ball shifted and went straight for Biscuit and Hisoka.

Hisoka took the ball and snapped a few fingers. Though he didn’t seem phased, his hair were a little ruffled and his forehead was bleeding. Well, thank god he was Hisoka, he was probably more excited by the game now. Killua never realized he had that in common with Gon.

Gon decided to use back at that moment, he looked pissed and that was never good. That was when he had to step up and be the wiser one. Because that look always meant trouble, and not just for the adversary, but for Gon himself too.

Hisoka had mentioned that the ball was weaker once it had left the ring, Killua wanted to use that to their advantage, they just had to avoid the ball. He was just thinking they might have a safe chance of winning when Mister Trouble decided it wasn’t good enough.

« I’m too pissed to accept a win so weak ! »

That triggered Killua. Gon always got stubborn on details and forgot the big picture.

« Are you crazy ? Who cares how we win ?! We need the card, we need to win Greed Island »

« Not like that ! » Gon snapped back.

Killua didn’t get why Gon always had this need to prove himself. He was strong, he learned nen fast, he had great instinct. Anyone who met him knew he wasn’t a push over.

Killua was about to say as much to Gon, when a thought occurred to him. Everyone here knew Gon was strong and on his way of becoming a great hunter… But someone was absent. Someone Gon heard great deeds from afar. Was all this stubbornness so that somehow, somewhere, his father heard about Gon’s accomplishments too ? Was this the only possible communication between Ging and Gon ? He though back at his match against Hanzo.

_« If I gave up now, I feel like I would never be able to find him ». _

Those thoughts calmed his own anger a little.

That's when Gon added « Why aren’t you mad too ? »

« What ? »

« Had you dodged left… You could have gotten seriously hurt, maybe even died ».

He was right, he would have been seriously hurt, the switch was too fast and he wouldn't had time to protect himself with KO. But Gon didn’t know that the idea of his bones getting crushed wasn’t what made him decide to dodge. He didn’t care about that, his bones had been crushed many times. He just couldn’t afford to be out of the game and leave Gon on his own. He hoped Gon understood that, how much he wanted to help Gon in his quest.

« Fine, you better have a plan then »

And he did. Killua was now positioned to hold the ball, and Gon was going to use Jajaken to punch it on that ape shaped nen player’s direction. The plan surprisingly made sense and didn’t seem all that risky. As he watched Gon gather his nen, concentrating it into his fist, Killua knew he had to make his hand be as little as possible covered by nen. He wasn’t going to let any of Gon’s condensed nen go to waist. He wasn’t going to be the reason Gon’s punch got slowed down.

The ball flew with great power, and actually pushed that buffed up Nen player out of the ring. Gon had actually come up with a great idea. When Killua caught the ball, he felt it- the pain. He managed to keep it hidden, Gon didn’t need to know, they had to keep going and so he placed himself like earlier.

« Come on Gon, I’m sure you have stronger than that for Razor »

Gon was looking at Killua with a slight hesitation. He had noticed Killua didn't use protection on his hands. He knew pain was an everyday thing back at his home but he wasn’t sure how he felt about being the one to inflict it. That’s why he had held back on that first punch. But Killua was standing firmly in front of him, holding the ball, encouraging him to punch it with all he got this time.

He trusted Killua more than anyone. He had to believe he could handle it. This win had to be Killua’s just as much as his. With the hesitation now gone, he was able to concentrate even more aura.

Killua paused in awe. Gon was gathering a lot of aura, Biscuit’s training had bore its fruit. He noticed Hisoka getting excited, licking his lips. Gon was able to harness an incredible amount of aura. This one was going to hurt.

The ball flew like it rose from a canon directly at Razor. The bigger man used his body to reduce the impact and actually threw the ball in the air. Killua was dumbfounded, he was sure that hit was perfect.

That Razor is a monster.

That’s when Hisoka retrieved the ball with his bungee gum forcing Razor to use back to get back in the game. Killua felt grateful for a short moment that Hisoka was there and he actually turned to smile at him. That attention didn’t go unnoticed by the magician as he held the ball with arrogance.

They had the ball once more, Biscuit decided to help out and threw the ball at the last nen player on the field. Now they only had Razor to face. But at the last second, that nen player managed to give the ball to Razor.

It was still a great win and they only had to get the ball from Razor somehow… but how ?

Tsezguerra hasn’t missed it. Killua had busted his hands to hold Gon’s ball. First Gon took Razor’s ball straight on, then Killua got his hands messed up gruesomely, these kids were crazy. They seemed to have no one to make them realize how reckless they were and to say the least… Childish. He accepted them in the game because their power were impressive, but he did feel Greed Island was no place for kids, as strong and experienced as they were. He had to interfere.

« Gon, Killua, come over ! »

That was a surprise to both Killua and Gon. Tsezguerra had been mostly quiet during the whole game. They joined him followed by Biscuit and Hisoka who were also curious as what Tzehegara wanted to talk about.

« Let me hold the ball for you, you might not have realized it, but Killua didn’t protect his hands when holding the ball. His hands acted like the barrel of a canon… I don’t think he can take another hit, I have a technique that will both protect my hand without hindering the force of you blow ».

Killua didn’t like how the man had decided for him that he couldn’t take it. « You are overreacting, my hands are fine, and even if they weren't, it wouldn’t be a satisfying win ».

Killua looked at Gon, with a knowing smile. Gon responded with a smile. « Killua’s right, we want to win on our own terms, Killua and I are going to show Razor he shouldn’t underestimate us ! »

Tsezguerrae knew Gon was stubborn, but he had hoped Killua would have been more reasonable. Killua was hiding his hands for a reason, if Gon knew, he wouldn’t agree to it anymore. « Then show your hands to us, and let us decide if you can take another blow. »

« I’m fine old man… » And he felt Biscuit pull his hands out.

The picture was horrifying, they had swollen more than twice their size. His hands were blue, red and were blistered all over… and that was only the skin. The bones have been for the most part broken. Every one seemed to wonder how he was able to keep his cool. 

Killua felt Hisoka gaze on his back. He guessed what his mind must be thinking at the moment. He probably knew that he had endured far worst during his trainings. He was made to be a machine capable of enduring the most horrifying torture, something that attracted Hisoka to him. But unlike Hisoka, he didn’t enjoy pain, he just knew how to handle it.

Gon’s heart skipped a beat when he saw the hands. He knew they were damaged but it was another thing to see them. He looked at Killua who hadn’t lost his determined look. As if Killua though he was hesitating, he quickly said « Gon, it’s nothing, I can take another blow, believe me ! ». And that’s the thing. He did.

He knew how strong Killua was, even if he often doubted himself when faced with his own demons. But when Killua was being there for him, nothing scared him anymore. It was scary how easy it was for him to let himself get hurt when it was to help his friend. He only hoped he’d find a goal worth taking risks for too. But a selfish part of him wished he didn’t and stayed with him. He needed him.

« I knew Killua’s hands were hurt… I knew from the first punch I threw. But Killua is the only person that can hold the ball for me… He is the only person I trust to do so. It’s because he is there for me, that I can concentrate fully… and I can use all my strength ». He hoped Killua understood he didn’t mean just for this match.

Killua’s cheeks flushed, he didn’t expect those words to hit so hard. He felt appreciated fully when he was with Gon. He wasn’t just a killing tool, he wasn’t just the promise of glory for a family name or a toy. He was Gon’s friend.

A part of him felt guilty, the part Illumi and Hisoka would wake up in him. He felt unworthy of that esteem Gon had for him. But he didn't need Gon's esteem for this, he needed his trust. Gon needed him to take the hit one more time and he would. It was ironic that it was his darkest side that made it possible for Killua to be able to withstand the pain to help Gon in this game.

With those words, no one had anything else to say. Nothing would change their mind. Tsezguerra still felt it was wrong, but he knew he couldn’t convince them, he had played his last card.

Hisoka stayed silent, understanding full well the dynamic between those two. They would be hard to separate, but the glue that seemed to hold them might actually become what will break them.

Back at the ring, Gon and Killua seemed to be more motivated than ever. But Killua looked at Razor trying to think of a way to catch the ball. « We need a plan Gon »

« I actually have thought of one »

« Really ? »

« I’ll need you and Hisoka for this one ».

« My pleasure, I was feeling a little left out » He was being sincere. His two favorite toys weren’t paying him any attention.

Gon explained his idea, Hisoka was trilled by it, but he wasn’t surprised at Killua’s reaction. « Are you sure Gon… ? »

« I’m counting on you Killua »

Those confident eyes, he couldn't say no to them. He did promised he’d do anything to help. He would much rather have his feet destroyed too, but it did seem to be their best option anyway.

They put themselves into position. Gon in front to catch the ball, Killua his back to him, ready to take the blow and Hisoka, bent over Killua to help Gon not lose the ball and protect his hands. As they were getting ready to receive the ball, Hisoka whispered in Killua’s ear « Nothing we haven’t done yet ».

Killua gave him a glare, this was clearly not the time to distract him. He didn’t have the nen experience yet to be 100% confident he would manage his part. But Gon trusted him, and if that wasn’t motivation enough, if he failed, his body would be thrown over Hisoka and he definitely didn’t want that.

« Ready ! » Gon shouted as Razor threw his ball with all the power he had taken back from the nen players. The impact was colossal, Killua screamed trying to concentrate the right amount of nen throughout his body. It lasted a fraction of a second but it felt like minutes had passed by when he realized they had succeeded. He breathed out in relief, Gon had the ball in his hand. Hisoka was still over him, lingering on him with appetite in his eyes. Those fruits were ripening fast.

This was the end. It had to be. They had given all they got more than once. It was up to Gon to throw the final blow and there was no reason to worry. Gon wanted this more than anyone.

As he prepared himself for Jajaken, he felt the need to warn Killua. « I’m going full out ».

« You better ! » was Killua response. Making it clear they both understood each other.

And just like that, the best duo was sending one of the strongest ball ever thrown in the face of Razor.

Razor was impressed, Ging’s son was worthy of his father. He was a true monster. He managed, with full strength and concentration to throw the ball back at them sending it in direction of Gon. He knew he wouldn’t hesitate to take it but would of course fail. He was still a kid.

But at that moment, Gon collapsed on the floor, he had used all his aura and couldn’t even summon the strength to stay awake. Hisoka felt magnanimous and took the ball in his bungee jump, busting his finger, to make it bounce back at Razor. And as Razor was getting ready to do the same move, he realized too late, that the ball had been stuck to him. He was out of the ring.

Game over.

« Bungee gum has both the property of rubber and gum ».

Killua hadn’t expected Hisoka to do a move like that, but it was perfect. Gon would have wanted it this way and Hisoka did want to feel part of the team. As Gon woke up and realized what had happen, he thanked Hisoka. Commenting that Hisoka had ended up getting all the glory.

It was a done deal now, they were going to get the card finally. Gon had the win he wanted, Biscuit training had paid off and even Hisoka had his share of fun.

Gon went to talk to Razor who had stories about his father to tell him. Killua was curious to hear them too, but knew it was a special moment for Gon. His thoughts went back to wondering if he’d still get to travel with Gon once he found his dad. He would probably want to travel with his dad right ? That look didn’t go unnoticed by Hisoka. Killua was well experienced, but he did have some childish side to him, even if he thought he was too marred to.

« You ! Sit ! » Biscuit was over him now, half angry half proud.

« You both were great out there but you both were really stupid too ! » She was now tending to his hand, wrapping them. Now that the adrenaline of the fight was gone, the only think he could feel was the pain in his hand. He could still manage of course, but _damn_. He was wondering how long it would take to heal. He wouldn’t be able to fight anytime soon that was sure.

After they finally collected their card, Hisoka was getting ready to leave. Killua felt like he needed to say something. « Hmm, wait Hisoka ». The magician turned curious of what the little Zoldyck wanted from him. Killua looked behind him, everyone seemed to be focused on the newly acquired card. « Hmm, I guess I just wanted to say thanks Hisoka. »

He didn't dare look at him directly. They had too many awkward moments so far and he didn't want to feed any hope. 

Hisoka got closer to him, towering him with a smile. He waited for Killua to finally dare raise his eyes at him. « Don’t mention it, if you need anything else or if you are just _bored_, let me know… This was fun »

And he left Killua, wondering if this was finally his last encounter with the magician. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if that chapter felt a bit like a filler... I just love that dodge ball match so much and wanted to write it. 
> 
> Hopefully I'll be able to update one last time before the end of the year. (crossing fingers)  
The next chapter will be more interesting. I promise !! 
> 
> Thoughts are always appreciated !


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it !  
It's not 2020 yet !  
Here's another chapter, hope you like it. 
> 
> And I reached a 100 kuddos before the end of the years ! THANK YOU !! 
> 
> Hope you are enjoying your holidays !!

**Chapter 09 - Greed Island - Deal**

When Killua came back to the group, he found that the bomber had contacted them and that Gon had challenged him to come after them. Apparently, Gon was still too high on his win to be reasonable.

It was expected they’d have to face that trio eventually since they were the most aggressive players in the game. They had pretty much eliminated all the competition, except for them and Tsezguerra's team. But Gon had managed to let his temper get the better of him and almost made Genthru come after them right here and now.

Tsezguerra was the one to have made him calm down this time and realize how reckless he had been. He used Killua once again to make him understand the consequence of his action. That annoyed Killua, but it got through Gon so he let it go.

With Gon now calm, they’ve decided on a plan where Tsezguerra would try to hold them for 3 weeks while they trained and came up with a plan.

Biscuit saw this like a final exam for her two students. Killua wouldn’t be able to train without his hands, so she gave him the task of coming up with a strategy. He was smart enough, he would need little of her help for this. She could put her full attention on Gon, to prepare him to fight Genthru and his little flower. They didn’t really discuss it, but it was made clear Gon would be the one to face Genthru. First, because he wanted to but Biscuit also though it was a perfect challenge to practice specific nen reflexes.

Goreinu had decided to help Tsezguerra with their decoy plan. He had been very grateful for teaming up with Gon and Killua and wanted to pay them back with all his skills.

They now separated in two groups. Biscuits, Gon and Killua left to their training spot from when they first met Biscuit.

Gon waisted no time in practicing the different techniques Biscuits wanted him to master while Killua came up with a plan A, B and C, with different variant for each. He could have come up with more, but Gon had already mastered what was needed for plan C so that plan was at least secured.

Biscuit approved the plans and their order. Plan A was the one with the highest chances of success, but it relied on Gon mastering emission technique which he struggled with. He still had time though and Gon really wanted to succeed at it.

Two weeks had passed, and Gon still didn’t get anywhere with the emitter techniques. Killua had gathered all that was needed for the 3 plans. Biscuit had helped him with the hardest part. Everything was set. He even came up with a plan for his own personal fight, with different experiences he wanted to try. Finally being able to use his yoyos.

As Killua was watching Gon train, he started to feel bored. He had managed to keep himself busy those past days, collecting the needed items. He even invented challenges for himself that didn’t need his hands. Like jumping even higher with his feet or fighting the monsters with his hands in his pockets. But it quickly got boring, the fun part about training and challenges was to share them with Gon. On his own it just felt pointless.

He was once again off wandering around on his own when dread installed itself in his heart. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was feeling lonely.

The night had fallen and the forest around him was getting dark. He couldn’t help himself remembering the forest around Kukuro mountain where he wandered around aimlessly just like now. Waiting for Illumi to come back from a mission. His father and grandfather only had training for him, his mom was too heavy to bear, Kalluto was always under their mother's skirts, Milluki never wanted to play with him more than an hour and the butlers weren’t allowed to have fun. He felt like he was forgetting someone… Well, it didn’t change that he hated needing to invent stuff just to make time past and not let that feeling of emptiness and purposeless life creep inside him.

Only Illumi was able to make him forget that emptiness with his sick games… Only Illumi was able to make him feel alive.

But being with Gon had changed that dynamic. Made him see how twisted his relationship with Illumi was. He’d been more aware of how normal people befriended one another. The problem was that the minute Gon was busy elsewhere… That emptiness came back and he had gone back to Illumi at these moments. He clearly was still too weak.

He knew he couldn’t rely on Gon like that, but he did need him by his side. He didn’t know for how long, just enough to heal himself maybe ? Just enough to feel confident he could be more than a tool for people's selfish needs. To feel… in control of his own life, of his own mind. He sighed heavily. He needed to push these thoughts away or he would use the leave card he had to go back home, just for the night.

That’s when he did the next stupid thing.

He opened book and pulled a card.

« Contact on- Hisoka ».

—-

Hisoka was shuffling his cards, he was back with the troupe. They had found their Nen exorcist, finally, but they seemed to have a problem. A certain Bomber had planted a bomb on him and the exorcist needed to find him alive in order to get it removed. They wouldn’t be able to get out of the game until it was taken care of. They aren’t a lot of nen exorcist in the world, they couldn’t afford to let this one die on them.

So now the members of the troupe were discussing on what to do. They needed the Bomber alive which made the operation more tricky. And it seemed he was constantly on the move. The nen exorcist was suggesting that the Bomber wouldn’t be easy to catch, as he knew Greed Island and the cards too well. It was obvious that he was also scared of him and didn’t want to cross path with him again.

« A player has made contact with you. »

_Oh ? _

« Hello ? »

« Hisoka… »

A grin was drawn on Hisoka’s face « What a surprise… How are you little boy ? » He was far enough so that no one from the troupe would hear this conversation but he did notice Machi trowing him a look. He sent her a blown kiss that made her turn her head away in annoyance.

« Hmm… Fine » came Killua’s sweet and hesitant voice.

Hisoka let a few seconds pass, thinking he might have wanted to say something… Alas he had to take the lead.

« Did you need me for another fun game ? »

« Hmmm… no » He was obviously stalling to search for something to say « Actually, I had a question » another pause. « Did you, by any chance, meet someone called The Bomber ? »

« The Bomber you say, what a creative name… Does it come with a last name ? »

« It’s not really his real name and it’s actually 3 guys, it’s like a band, I don’t know, they’re a bit full of themselves… Anyway, I only know the real name of one of the guys, Genthru. »

« I’m afraid I know nothing of either the Bomber or Genthru, maybe I met one of his acquaintances, but if I don’t have their names… Why do you ask ? » He wasn’t going to tell him the troupe was after The Bomber until he knew why Killua, and most likely Gon, were interested in him.

« Well, we are supposed to fight them in about a week, Gon is training right now as we speak. I had to come up with a plan and I did. Everything is set… » He hesitated again « But since I still had a week left… I thought I might collect more information on him to perfect the plan ». That was a lie. Killua knew everything about the Bomber’s abilities, there was little chance Hisoka had any new information. He was mostly trying to make sense of his impulse to call Hisoka of all people.

« Gon want’s to fight that Genthru you speak of ? »

« Yeah, he’s really putting the effort here ».

Hisoka looked over at the troupe still debating on what to do with The Bomber situation. Machi was looking at him again.

« Well okay then, sorry I couldn’t be of more help »

And just like that he hung up.

That was unexpected for Killua and he actually felt his ego wounded by Hisoka’s ending the conversation so abruptly. Wasn’t he going out of his way to have his attention ? What made him so distant ?

And that’s when Killua remember that Hisoka was looking for a way to heal Chrollo. That had always been his main goal and he must have finally found what or who he needed. That meant it wouldn’t be long before Chrollo got his nen back.

Killua needed to warn Kurapika. He needed to get out of the game and call him.

But something bothered him, if Hisoka had found what he needed- why was he still in the game ? There must have been something stopping him from getting that thing out. Was it because it was a card ? That couldn’t be it, if so, he would have been playing the game which he clearly wasn’t.

So if it’s an object, it has to be something that could get out of the game, but something was making it difficult. On the other hand, if it was a person, well there could be many reasons why a person couldn’t leave the game. They might want to finish the game. They might not want to get back into the real world or something else… Killua had a feeling that it was most likely a person that Hisoka had found and he was probably busy convincing him to come around.

Well, that was it for tonight, he closed book and was about to head back.

« Tell me, what’s your grudge against The Bomber ? »

Hisoka had just popped out with an Accompany card.

—-

_A few minutes earlier. _

Hisoka was closing his book as Machi approached him.

« Who were you talking too ? »

« One of my _toys_ needed some advice. I unfortunately was of no help »

Machi was looking at him suspiciously, she knew he wasn’t lying, but he wasn’t saying everything either. She understood the way he said toy didn't mean the same as when he spoke of Chrollo. It wasn’t someone he wanted to fight. At least not imminently.

« You should focus on your current target, we decided to let you deal with the Bomber. Most of us will be leaving back to the real world, but Feitan can stay to torture him if he resist. Everyone agreed and we just managed to convince the exorcist, so get ready »

Hisoka sighed « I’m afraid The Bomber is going to have to wait… I have something that came up, I’ll be able to follow through in a week. I'll try to behave ! »

That was what Machi was afraid of and she wasn’t going to let him go just like that « You are leaving to see that toy of yours, aren’t you ? » She knew what button to push « Aren’t you eager to get to fight Chrollo ? »

Hisoka lifted his hands and shrugged « Choices, choices… I _am_ eager… but in the end the heart wants what it wants. » He said as if this was an irrevocable argument.

Machi seethed, trying to pierce Hisoka’s back with her angry glare « So you’re letting Chrollo wait… for a side dish ? »

« A side dish ? » Hisoka turned, acting almost offended. « I don’t waist my precious time for side dishes. I’m investing in an all you can eat buffet » A sly smile appeared as he put a finger on his chin, raising an eyebrow « But if you want, I have some time before I need to go… You can be my _side dish_ for the night »

That made her let go of the matter. Go figures, he’s been pestering them to get to Chrollo and now he decided he could wait another week.

Hisoka wasn’t waiting for an actual answer, he was used to getting rejected by Machi. But Machi didn’t reject him because she didn’t find him attractive. She actually did, but he annoyed her so much that she was more satisfied to deny him pleasure than to give him some… Even if she knew she’d enjoy herself.

Machi had had her share of fun with quite a few of the spiders. Paku, Sharnalk, Sphinx and even Bonolenov. She had been curious to see what his body looked like under those bandages when he arrived. It was surprisingly a very fun experience. She had also made out with Shizuku, but that girl had some weird kinks. She wasn’t able to go through with it.

Shizuku was the weirdest of them all, and that was saying a lot. Even Hisoka refused to sleep with her. She had told her so herself. She had this crush on Hisoka and had called him to her room. She was explaining with her stoic face how she had prepared a surprise for him. She had put a multicolored wig on her head and covered her room with balloons hoping for them to pop during sex. She also prepared a huge ridiculous red nose she wanted Hisoka to wear… So she could grip it while he’d fuck her. Hisoka had left calmly the room without a word. Machi never though anyone could make Hisoka uncomfortable, and she would love to use that information against him… But she knew Hisoka had heard what had happened during her own make out with Shizuku.

In anyway, she didn’t care, tomorrow or in a week, Chrollo would be back to his former self and the spider would be complete again. Almost.

——-

Killua didn’t expect Hisoka to just pop up like that out of nowhere. And to be asking about The Bomber after making it clear he didn’t know anything about him or even cared. Did he worry for them ? Or did he lie and had a beef with him ?

« Why do you care ? »

« I need to know if it’s worth any of our time ».

« What are you talking about ?! »

« Answer the question. » There was no possible debate anymore. Somehow, Hisoka could mess their plan. He didn’t know how, but Gon wanted to fight Genthru and he would.

« He killed many players to take their cards or just out of pure spite… He’s after us because he need the card we obtained together to finish Greed Island. He won’t be able to get it any other way… »

« If he knows you have the card, why isn’t he after you now ? »

« Because he’s after Tsezguerra and his crew who have a copy of the card. He wants the real one of course, but didn’t think we’d be the one to have it. Tsezguerra is buying us time to get a plan ready and train Gon. »

« You said you already had a plan. I suppose you are waiting for Gon to complete his training then »

« Pretty much yeah… So why so interested in Genthru all of the sudden ? »

« I won’t answer you, but I do need him tamed for a reason ».

And just like that, it all clicked in Killua’s head.

« You found a nen exorcist who needs to get his bomb off of him ! That’s why you can’t leave the game with him yet… You are waiting for him ! »

Hisoka gave him a proud smile.

« Clever boy… Oh well. So you understand why I would rather deal with the Bomber right now. »

It all made sense now. His goal had always been Chrollo, he was after him even before the hunter exam. So of course he didn’t want to wait any longer. Talk about persistent. He couldn't shake off Hisoka after a few month... That Chrollo must be the god of self composure if he didn’t go crazy after all these years of Hisoka chasing him.

Killua had to focus back to his own mission now and it was going to be tricky. He needed to find some arguments to make Hisoka wait a week. What did Hisoka care about aside from Chrollo ?

« Okay Hisoka, I know you have been after Chrollo for like… years ? » Hisoka nodded with another proud smile. « But listen, I’m only asking you to wait one more week, you’ll get a Genthru all wrapped up to lift your nen exorcist curse. » That wouldn’t be enough to satisfy him, he knew just looking at Hisoka's bored look. « And on the plus side, you would have contributed once more to make Gon grow stronger. You know he gets stronger after each fight »

_Sorry Gon… Sorry Kurapika. _

That last part seemed to get Hisoka's attention. « It is tempting… » He said, obviously weighing the pros and cons. « I have a counter offer, I will wait a week for Gon to finish his training, I do want him to keep growing strong, but- » And he gave him one of his malicious grin « You’ll have to entertain me during that week ».

Killua has been too busy reading Hisoka that he didn’t notice he had seen right through him from the beginning. He saw that Killua was nowhere near Gon and Biscuit to call Hisoka, meaning he was acting on his own. He already had a plan and he already knew about The Bomber’s power, so there was no reason to call him for more information. The only possible reason he was calling him was because poor little Killua had been bored. Gon and Biscuit were probably too busy with training. And Illumi was nowhere near.

So Killua had called _him_ for entertainment. And he wasn’t going to let that chance pass by.

Killua didn’t know what to respond. He needed Hisoka to wait a week, no matter the price « Define entertain… ? »

Hisoka shrugged « You define it as you wish. I just want this week to go by faster. I won’t be picky, I promise » he said, raising his hands in a peaceful manner.

That made it seem somehow less dangerous. If he was able to be in control of the program.

« But, I can’t be with you all the time… I have to go back to Gon and Biscuit from time to time. »

« I suppose you do… Tell me, how long can you go without sleeping ? »

« I haven’t had a reason to go more than a week »

« Then it’s done, you’ll come and see me when the sun sets and you can go back to Gon when the sun rises. This is my final offer, take it or leave it. »

Well at least he won’t be bored.

« Deal »

« Good. Well look at that, there is no sun… what should we do ? »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiii !!  
My first cliff hanger if I miss say ???  
What did you think ?  
I have the next chapter pretty planned out, but if you have any ideas of what they could do... I'm all ears !
> 
> Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.  
Happy new year !


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New year resolution : Finish this fanfiction in 2020 !  
I think this is a little bit over half of it ? 
> 
> Anyway, thanks again for reading this, commenting and leaving kudos !  
I appreciate so much !
> 
> Hope you like that chapter and continue reading.

** Chapter 10 - Greed Island - Dolphin and Flamingo  **

They were at one of the beautiful shores people had told him about. The tides were low, and many treasures from the sea were scattered around, waiting for the waves to claim them once more in the morning. 

Killua never thought in his life he would end up babysitting Hisoka, so that he wouldn’t go after The Bomber, so Gon could have his go at him. You can’t invent stuff like that even if you wanted to.

It all started when he decided he wanted to talk to Hisoka because… Why not ? But in all fairness, if he hadn’t well, The Bomber would have been dealt with and they would have felt stupid a week from now. So yeah. All for the best Killua thought.

He sighed, this situation was a real metaphor of his life. During the day he’d be with Gon, a bright boy that lightened everything around him. Sometime he’d like to think he’d be more like him had he been born on Whale Island. And when darkness came, he’d be with Hisoka, an assassin with sadistic taste.A mirror of what he could become if he kept entertaining dark habits, loose from his family’s control.

Killua had chosen the beach because it was in walking distance, it allowed to have a couple of hours go by just to get there because he had no idea what you do at the beach at night. Frisbee ? Sandcastles ? It all seemed creepy at night with Hisoka. 

Once they reached the beach, he was hoping Hisoka would ship in ideas of his own. Killua was used to playing silly games with Gon but what would Hisoka want to do at the beach ? Except _that_ of course.

« I didn’t know you were also a romantic, we are facing the east right ? The sunrise will be beautiful » He sat down, as if he was waiting for the sunrise to happen already. He really wished it would. He really didn’t think this through.

Killua sat next to him but keeping a safe distance. At least an arm length. If he wasn’t here with Hisoka, he’d have tones of ideas. He was trying to find something Hisoka would enjoy and the only things he knew Hisoka liked were fights and sex. He wasn’t strong enough for the first and not willing enough for the second. 

Hisoka broke the silent « What would you be doing if you were here with Gon ? » 

Well that was easy « Lots of things, swimming of course, having silly competition like who could hold their breath the longest or swim the fastest… We’d probably be picking those sea stars and would trow them at each others pretending to be ninjas. We’d make funny looking sand castle… » He sure missed having fun with Gon. 

From Hisoka’s look, he didn’t seem to be interested in any of the things he was suggesting, but Hisoka didn’t seem to mind staying like this having idle conversation with Killua. 

« And if you were here with Illumi ? »

That was a different story. It was more complicated with Illumi, nothing ever seemed to really bother him or make him exceptionally happy, except for Killua. « I’d probably be sitting next to him like I am now, racking my brain to find something to do he’d enjoy- » he paused « And don’t comment on that last part ».

Hisoka didn’t move at all, he kept looking at the sea. 

« To be honest, I’m pretty sure Illumi would willingly do everything I just mentioned. I don’t think he’d particularly enjoy any of it, but he’d do it »

Hisoka now had the images in his head of Illumi holding his breath under water, trowing sea stars with zero enthusiasm and making sand castle shaped like the Zoldyck mansion.

« Well I would love to see that » He said smiling amused. 

« What’s your deal with Illumi anyway ? » Killua said, sitting straighter and putting his arms on his knees. 

He had asked the same question to his brother once, he was now wondering if the two story conquered. 

« Hmmm, he’s an entertaining person to have around and is very resourceful. He had been of help in the past and always have fun assignments I can join him into. ». Then he added « And it’s hard to be indifferent to how good looking he is… You are a lucky boy » He winked at him. 

Illumi was good looking ? He never though of him this way. But yeah, he guessed it was right.

« Both of you together must be such a beautiful sight. If Illumi wasn’t so possessive I’d love to join in the fun »

« You had to add that » He paused to think. « You’ve been surprisingly behaving though lately… » Was he taunting him ?

« Oh ? Do you miss being the center of my attention ? » 

« No… I mean, you seem more normal. Even with that silly clown costume »

Hisoka loved his style, he felt no shame in it and that comment went above his head.

« Well if you must know, I would love to jump on you, we are on the beach after all. But I know you need more time to come around and this week is about trying not to bore myself to death before getting what I want. You are an entertaining person, even fully clothed. »

Hisoka was surprisingly being genuine here. He wasn’t expecting it… _Wait ? Come around to it ?_ He really thought he’d be the one to cave ? As that last thought crossed his mind, he turned a mischievous look at Hisoka. 

Hisoka thought for a moment that he had changed his mind but he saw that the young boy was looking at something behind him. 

« I have something I would like to try » Gon wouldn’t approve of it, but Hisoka wouldn’t give it a second thought. 

He got up « follow me ». And so he did. 

Killua had noticed closed small boutiques a little further on the beach. They probably had all different things made for the beach. He started busting the locks, Hisoka joined in and did the same. 

One of the boutiques had ice cream, that was a start. The second one had drinks and snacks and even beers. Killua found a half full whisky bottle, it probably belonged to the owner. The third shop had the good stuff. Tubes and floating gear of different sizes and… Fireworks ! 

« Help me pick all this stuff ». 

And so Hisoka did. He wasn’t really sure what the kid had in mind, but felt it would be a waist to stop him in his momentum. 

Killua was now on the beach, tying the tubes together. He was surrounded by more than 20 of them. Once he seemed satisfying with his odd art and craft project, he started attaching one firework to each of the tube. 

He then took his shoes off and started undressing to be left in his boxers and was heading to the water. 

_Interesting._ He was now arranging the floaters in a circle in the water, attaching a few of them to the rocks below, the water didn’t look deep at all. He then made a bridge out of a few remaining floaters that linked the circle of tubes to the shore. 

There were 2 big tubes left shaped like animals, one was a pink flamingo, the other was a dolphin, he threw the flamingo at Hisoka. « Here, take this tube and go in the center of the circle, I’ll be right behind you ». 

Hisoka complied seeing where this was going. He wasn’t so much for these childlike ideas, but it was fun to see him excited like that. The boy better be careful, he was forgetting he was with a murderous perverted clown. 

Hisoka took his clothes off. Showing with great proud his muscles. Killua’s wide eyes didn’t go unnoticed to him. He smiled giving a wink before turning himself to the water. 

Once Hisoka was floating on his flamingo in the center of the circle, Killua was holding his dolphin under one arm and was positioning himself at the beginning of the bridge « Ready ? »

« Yes »

And he ran on the bridge made of tubes lighting the fire works one by one with his electricity. He was already finishing the full circle when he jumped on the water with his dolphin next to Hisoka, barely making a splash. 

He looked up eagerly ! In just a few second, the first fireworks had fired up in the air and pretty soon they were all firing around them, making it look like they were surrounded by shooting stars. 

Killua was proud of his idea. He didn’t think it would work, or be any fun at all. But it was a breath taking view. With the reflection on the water, it felt like they were floating in space. Like they were on a space mission getting bombarded by spaceship everywhere. 

It was pretty loud though and now that it was almost done, charcoal confettis were falling on them. But it had been worth it. 

Hisoka was smiling too. He also wasn’t expecting much but it was amusing. It brought back some souvenirs of fire being juggled around. 

When the last fire work popped in the air, Killua fell back on his dolphin ! He was feeling a rush of satisfaction. « That was cool wasn’t it ? » he looked to his left, almost expecting Gon.

« It was » said the magician. « Any other fun ideas ? »

He sighed. « Well, nothing of this grandeur, but I had a little something else in mind, we should go back to the beach. »

He was getting up to jump back on the floater bridge when Hisoka pulled a card and ripped the ropes that were holding all of the structure together. 

They were now surrounded by tubes floating around them, drifting slowly away. « Why did you do that ? »

Hisoka gave him a wicked smile « I can have fun ideas too you know. » And he used bungee jump to make his dolphin stick to his flamingo. Killua almost lost his balance as he was being yanked to the flamingo. He held to his dolphin not to fall. And another bungee gum string was now put on a rock on the shore.

« Hold on tight »

And the elasticity of the bungee gum string propelled them on the shore with supersonic speed. Killua loved those strong sensation and was smiling widely. He didn’t stop himself from screaming his enthusiasm. 

Before hitting the rock, they jumped off the tubes and landed elegantly on the sand. 

Killua couldn’t hold his laugh « Wow, that was fun ! » 

They looked at their tubes that were now on top of one another.

« I really wished we were that close ». 

« Stop that ! » He said, playfully pushing Hisoka away.He was too high on sensation to really be irritated. 

It was time for his next idea, he went back to the boutique on his own this time. And came back with ta bucket of ice cream and tones of candy wraps and other stuff Hisoka had never waisted his time trying. 

He opened the bucket of ice cream and started throwing all sort of candy in it. Then he pulled out the bottle of whisky that he poured on it too. He gave a spoon to Hisoka and had his own « Dig in ! »

Hisoka looked at the weird mixture Killua had just invented, he really was a child still. It didn’t look appetizing at all, but Killua was taking mouth-full of it, clearly enjoying it. He gave it a half hearted try and made a face that made it clear that it would be his last. 

Killua didn’t really care, he liked it. But he snapped a beer and handed it to Hisoka. « You have very peculiar tastes boy ». 

« So do you ! » He said, his mouth full of Ice cream. 

He looked at him, licking his already clean spoon. « I care only for the best treats ». He was enjoying how hungrily the boy was eating that weird dessert. « Although, I could give it another try if some of it was on you… »

Killua froze, a full spoon that didn’t yet make it to his mouth in his hand. He looked like he was almost contemplating the idea of dropping that spoon on himself. He obviously reconsidered since he quickly swallowed the spoon, finding a way to safe territory. 

Big mistake as he saw the bucket being thrown away and an eager Hisoka attacking his lips. Tasting the mixture of sweets and salt from the sea. He didn’t do anything else as he sat up almost as quickly as he had jumped on him. « Hmm, on second try, it wasn’t so bad. »

Killua was now flat on his back. A little unsure of what to do. Was that it this time ? Did he have to expect other attacks ? 

Hisoka laid on his back « Don’t worry, I won’t try anything else. »

Killua sighed, he was feeling tired now. He looked up in the sky, trying to remember what were those stars names again ? Gon shared so many myths and stories before they’d fall asleep. « You can take a nap if you want, I had fun tonight » As if saying he deserved it or something. He really was treating him like a good puppy.

But Killua did feel tired and that ice cream thing might not have been the best idea. He hadn’t eaten anything that evening. He looked at Hisoka uneasy. « You won’t try anything funny ? »

« You mean like fucking a lifeless body ? I’ve already tried, it’s not so fun ».

That wasn’t the image he wanted to sleep on but at least he knew he was safe tonight. He put his arms behind his head and slowly drifted to sleep. Dreaming of spaceships and flying flamingos and dolphins.

He woke up 2 hours later. 

He first saw the stars above but the sky was getting clearer, the sun was about to rise soon. He had to head back now. And that’s when he realized he couldn't feel them, his legs. They were trapped. He rose himself in panic and- 

He had wet sand covering his legs in the shape of a mermaid tail with candy wrappers acting like glitter. 

He turned to look at Hisoka and _*click*_. Hisoka had snapped a picture of him like that. 

_That bastard !_ Killua thought as he was freeing his legs « delete that picture right now ! »

Hisoka looked at the picture « You are right, your face is weird on that last one, the ones where you are sleeping are much more precious. »

« Delete them **all** Hisoka !! »

« And what will I give to Illumi for his birthday this year then ? » 

« You wouldn’t dare… ? »

« You doubt me ? »

That was it for him, he got up, clearly annoyed. Hisoka now had compromising images of him to blackmail him anytime he wanted. « Geez, I have sand everywhere now… »

He went to try and wash himself the best he could without stripping down. He ended up just throwing his clothes back on himself. He’ll shower back at the lake. « Come on, it’s time to go back ».

Hisoka was dressed too. « The sun is about to rise, I thought you wanted to see it ». 

« We’ll walk along the shore, we’ll see it plenty, come on ». 

And so they walked back to the place Hisoka had found Killua. It took them an extra 30 minutes since they didn’t cut through the forest directly from the beach. 

As Hisoka was about to leave him to go back to wherever, he said  « By the way, I have plenty of accompany cards to waste, we can go anywhere tomorrow, don't need it to be of walking distance ». And he left. 

« Yeah, yeah… » Killua waved him off. _Wait what ? He could have gone back instantly ???_ Hisoka really was an asshole ! He had took an extra hour of his time. The sun had fully risen now. 

Killua scratched his head, _six nights left now_. It didn’t seem as bad as he was afraid of, he thought walking back. He did have fun with Hisoka. 

He arrived at the site where Gon and Biscuit were training. They were still asleep thankfully. He had barely approached them when Biscuit’s eyes popped upon and she was up ready to start her day. 

« Where have you been all night ? You look terrible ! »

« Well thanks… I was at the beach, felt like swimming. What about Gon’s training ? Any progress ? » He had to change the subject quickly, Biscuit was very perceptive. 

« Well, I wanted to talk to you about it actually. I think we have to go straight for plan B. He isn’t progressing at all, he could still surprise us but plan B also need a special technique and I suspect a good 5 days to master it. We have 6 days left, a day of buffer wouldn’t be any luxury. »

Killua responded simply « I’m fine with that, I’ll talk to him. First I want to go wash myself in the lake, I have sand everywhere and my skin is itching ».

Once he was all clean, he went to find Gon who was still sleeping, his arms and legs spread out. He must have fallen asleep exhausted. He shook him gently « Hey, Gon, wake up ». 

Gon woke, rubbing his eyes still a bit sleepy. « Good morning Killua !» He blinked a few time before asking « Where did you go last night ? you smell funny, like something burnt… and sweet »

Killua smiled « I went to the beach, they had fireworks. It was impressive ! »

« What !! I can’t believe you didn’t come to get me for that ! »

« I didn’t know they’d be fireworks. By the time I would have contacted you, they’d be done already and we both would have missed them ». The lies came so easily. The guilt too. 

Gon sighed « I’ve missed hanging out… Training is fun, but alone it’s different »

« I know, I’d like to be able to do more but… You know… » He looked at his hands. He didn’t want to make Gon feel guilty about it. He was the one responsible for it, not Gon. 

« How are they ? » 

« Better, but still useless ». 

« Well, I’m pretty useless too, I haven’t mastered the emitter technique yet ». 

« Yeah, about that, we are switching to plan B, Biscuit thinks it’s safer, and I have to agree ». 

« No ! I can do it, I swear, we still have time left ! I’ll make it ! »

« Gon. Let it go, you still have work on your hands, plan B is going to have you use another new technique. »

At that, Gon decided not to argue anymore. He got up and got ready to get back directly to training. Killua followed behind. Biscuit was waiting for them. 

« So Gon, I see Killua told you. Okay, so we are going to practice how to make your nen float into you body at super speed. »

Killua was looking at them from afar. He wished he could participate, yet again. He knew he had to focus on healing his hands. That made him realized they hadn’t really bothered him yesterday. He did had to ask Biscuit to redo his bandage though. They had been wet way too many times. 

He laid his back on the rock, trying to figure what to do the next ? He knew Hisoka wasn’t lying when he said he did enjoy himself but he wanted to find something a little more_ fitting_ and an activity less childish. Somehow, he didn’t want Hisoka to look at him as a kid. 

A place came to mind, a much more « adult » place. And if he was honest, he did want to go back there. He looked at Gon and Biscuit training. If they knew where his thoughts were taking him. 

He sighed and though, _why not ?_ as he drifted to sleep. 

« Killua !! » 

Biscuit was over him. Her hands on her hips.

« Didn’t sleep enough last night ? » 

He couldn’t look right at her, the sun was just above them. 

« Not really, why ? You need me for something ? »

« You are bored… You know, I can find you a technique to practice that doesn’t use hands »

That perked his interest. « Like what ? » 

« A special transmuter technique ! » She was smiling happy with herself. « Did you know that transmuter can change their aura to give different textured sensation on their skin ? » 

« Okay… but why would you do that ? » 

« Oh it’s completely useless! But if you manage to do so, you’ll find an incredible boost of efficiency in your hastu. It’s an indirect way of working on you precision and focus, very important for transmuter ». 

Okay, that sounded interesting again « So how does it work ? ».

« Well, you have to get familiarized with a texture, any texture, it can be that rock under you for instance, and then you try to remember that sensation and transfer it on a specific body part. It’s easier to start with a small area, but you should practice to transmute your whole body eventually ». 

His hands were caressing the rock, trying to imagine what it would feel like to touch someone who felt like that. Biscuit presented her arm to him. 

« touch my arm ! »

He did. « Wow ! It feels like I’m touching cotton ! That’s so cool ! »

« Remember, that Transmuter are usually sensitive people, both emotionally and physically. So as you master more and more texture, you might sometime react to others people’s touch unconsciously »

He wasn’t sure he was following her and she picked up on it. 

« Well, you see, I like you Killua, I found you cute and fuzzy… well most of the times. And you might grumble a lot but I know you like me too. So when I changed my skin texture when you touched me, it was easier to change to something fluffy than like say… paper sand. »

« Oh, I get it now… » He got up to go into the forest to try to find a texture he wanted to mimic. Biscuit looked at him. « That will keep him busy for days, she thought ».

Little did she know. It wouldn't. 

\----

Months later...

Illumi was celebrating his birthday at the Zoldyck mansion. He was surrounded by the family that were all lacking enthusiasm except for Kikyo who was urging him to blow his candles so they could all eat the cake. 

Illumi sensed a little vibration in his pocket and took his phone out. 

An image notification from Hisoka. He opened it, expecting some silly selfie of Hisoka. But there, on his 5 inch screen, a photo of Killua sleeping on the beach, looking like a mermaid. He zoomed in on his face and Illumi blushed. 

The birthday just became more satisfying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think of their first "date" ?  
And of Killua and Hisoka's dynamic ? Two transmuter chilling at the beach ?  
I'd love to know your thoughts ! 
> 
> Also, I need your help for next chapter... Do you want more dates ?  
Or do you want to skip the "foreplay" ?  
I can't decide myself. 
> 
> Take care all of you !


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than expected !  
I sorta got carried away and had to write the next two chapters simultaneously to make them fit together.  
So people have spoken, more dates it is !

** Chapter 11 - Greed Island - Money and balloons **

The sun was setting on the horizon and Killua knew his second shift was about to start. He found himself being less apprehensive than the night before. 

He went to sit next to Biscuit and Gon who were preparing the fire. Gon was still dirty and sweaty from his long day of training while Biscuit was as graceful as ever, tending to the fire and humming to herself. 

« You smell pretty bad Gon »

Gon grinned at him knowingly « Yeah, I didn’t shower yet, I thought I was getting so close at the end… but when I tried it against Biscuit, I realized there’s still a huge gap » 

Biscuit nodded her head at that « We still have a long way to go ! » and left to go get more wood. 

Gon took out a stick to play with some of the coals in the fire. He bore that determined look on his face, loving the challenge of that training. It was hard for Killua not to admire his resolve, how easily it was for him to ignore the down sides of training to stay focus on his goal. Killua had struggled with that, his mind wandered too easily to all possible outcomes.

Killua looked back behind him to see where the sun was at, he probably had a good 20 minutes before the sunset. He had to be leaving soon, but a moment of tranquility with Gon around a nice fire was becoming a rare thing and he wanted to stay as long as he could. 

« I’m going to go take a bath in the lake, want to come with ? » Gon was dusting himself up as if that would do anything. He groaned slightly at himself « Hmm, I should also wash my clothes tonight… »

Killua sighed at that « No, if you are going off to the lake, I might just go walk around a bit »

« To the beach again ? » 

« No, nowhere in particular, just roaming the surroundings »

« Haven't you been doing that all these past days ? Did you find anything ? »

Killua blinked at him and scratched his chin « Not really, I just have a hard time sleeping when there isn’t much action going on. Walking helps me… » He said trying to invent a reason of his daily and now nightly walks. He got up at those last words and put his hands in his pockets. « I’ll see you later Gon ? Bye Biscuit » 

« Bye ! » Biscuit didn't look back and just waved her hand at him dismissively.

« See you later Killua » was the last words he heard from Gon before getting to the forest area where he first encountered Hisoka. 

Darkness was slowly engulfing the woods, animals were going to sleep while owls and wolves started their nocturnal activities. 

Once he was on their rendez-vous place, he leaned against a tree to wait for the magician. 

« well well, a little early are we ? Nice to see you care enough not to make me wait » 

Hisoka was standing next to him, as if he had appeared out of nowhere. Killua had acute senses yet hadn't notice his presence at all. 

The clown had an arm on the tree over Killua with his other hand on his hip, acting like he was a handsome actor in an old black and white romantic movie. « How was your day ? » 

Killua pushed himself off the tree and turned to Hisoka « good enough, open your book, you said you had many Accompany cards »

« Not going to ask about my day ? How disappointing » but he still opened his book and gave Killua the desired card. « Care to share where we are going ? Another romantic scenery maybe ? »

All he got was a quick glance for an answer « Accompany on- Dorias »

The city in front of which they appeared was full of light, sounds and people walking in and out of the different buildings. 

Hisoka was looking around at the different options available to them and Killua had a little evil grin on his face. « Interesting place, I’ve never been here.Any preference ? »

« Yes, let’s start at the main casino, Gon and Biscuit didn’t let me get there the first time » He was rubbing his hands together like a cartoon villain with an evil plan. Hisoka eyes darted at him in amusement. Did the little Zoldyck have addiction problem ? 

As they came close to the front doors of the luxurious Casino, it was obvious their attires wasn’t going to do it. It seemed most people were wearing suits and gowns. Killua didn’t seem to care about that detail as he was going straight for the doormen but his momentum was stopped by Hisoka's hand on his shoulder. 

« Hey ! I thought I was the one who decided what we did »

« Oh little boy, I have no problem with your idea, but it would be better if we actually got in. Now I could easily kill those doormen but I feel it might break the atmosphere »

Killua jerked his shoulder out of Hisoka’s grasp. He took the time to observe what was so problematic in Hisoka’s view and he had to admit they didn’t fit the target audience. He had so many clothes usually but had decided to travel light in Greed Island, leaving him with little options. He turned and noticed Hisoka moving away from him. 

« Hey ! Where are you going ? » 

« I’ll be back in a few, wait for me my sweet little boy ».

That didn’t sound like something good was being planed by Hisoka « Don’t kill anyone » was all he managed to say while Hisoka disappeared in the crowd. 

Minutes passed with no sign from Hisoka, more people had gone in, all looking like movie stars. He was about to give up and maybe go to the gambling machines instead but Hisoka arrived all suited up.

Killua gasped as he had barely recognized Hisoka. He was wearing an all white suit with a pinkish shirt underneath. He had a flower patterned bow tie that made that much more stylish. His hair were combed down and his usual make-up was taken off. His shoes were a flashy red that were hard to go unnoticed. Hisoka did like to make a statement but Killua had to admit, he did look good. 

Hisoka showed the younger boy what he had in his hands. « Here you go, wear this ». Killua took a quick look at it and then back at Hisoka. « Don’t worry, I figured out your size ». 

« That’s not what worried me! » He snapped back taking the handed clothes. Hisoka taste was eccentric but he knew what he was doing and decided to play the part. He really wanted to get inside. 

He went to find a place where he could change and heard Hisoka's footsteps behind him « Don’t follow me you pervert !! » He screamed back. 

Once he was in a deserted place he took a closer look at his options. Hisoka had found him black skinny pants with a black one button blazer and a nice patterned shirt to go under. Hisoka had been right because the size fit him perfectly. He had shiny black leather shoes to finish the look. 

He went back to where Hisoka was waiting for him, hands in his pockets. Killua didn’t want to show him how he did feel handsome in the suit he had found for him but as Hisoka eyes squinted at him with clear lust he felt his cheeks get hot and just cough awkwardly to try to divert the attention. « Shall we go ? ». 

« After you ». He followed quietly behind Killua. « The fit really is perfect »

« Shut up ! »

At the door, the man looked at the odd duo not sure what to do. His worry was obviously at a teenager being escorted by a much older man. « This place is for adult only » He says looking at Killua, wondering why he was even up at such an hour. 

Killua looked at the man, annoyed « I’m 20 sir ! Are you calling me short ? ». He heard Hisoka give a small chuckle behind him but didn’t take the time to shut him up. 

The man got flustered by that but his professional role took over « I don’t mean to insult you, but I need to see some ID »

Hisoka leaned in and whispered something in the man’s ear. That had him looking back and forth between the two. He cleared his throat with a little cough before saying simply « Please, enjoy your visit at the Royal Casino ». 

And just like that, they were in. 

« What did you tell him ? » 

« Do I get a kiss in exchange ? » 

« Forget it. » Killua rolled his eyes and took that moment to take in his surrounding. It was much more extravagant and huge than he had expected. The ceiling was high and diamond chandeliers were hanging at different height. Columns that looked like they were made of gold filled the space. Multiple tables with different games were scattered around and here and there butlers walked offering drinks to the guest. 

There was an area that seemed a little different than the others behind tall velvet curtains. He got a glimpse of a few cages making a circle around people leisuring there. In those cage seemed to be people dancing, girls and boys, all game characters obviously but still… He was understanding why it was 18 and plus in here. Not that there were many teens on Greed Island to begin with. 

« What game are we playing today ? » Hisoka asked, patiently waiting for Killua to decide amongst all the options. He had managed to snag a glass of champagne that he was holding with one hand while the other was crossed on his elbow. 

Killua took out the dice he had pocketed earlier and showed them to Hisoka « It doesn’t really matter as long as we use this » 

« No’t a fan of the _what's important is to participate _old saying huh ? » Although Hisoka’s eye did fall on the little dice and he got intrigued by it. « How does it work ? » 

Killua smirked, eyes shinning « You just roll it, and it falls on good luck and then you win ».

Hisoka took the little dice to look at it. « Interesting, and what happens when it falls on bad luck ? »

Killua shrugs trying not to make a big deal out of it « Something blows up… most likely the person that used the dice ». 

« And here I thought you didn’t like taking risks » His hand closed on the dice and he made it disappear. 

« Hey ! That’s the only one I had ! » 

« If you are willing to use this to win, I suppose a little cheating wouldn’t bother you ? » 

That perks Killua’s attention. Hisoka _was_ resourceful. « Are you saying you can guarantee us to win without the dice ? » 

« Maybe » 

« I knew you cheated back then ! » Though the words sounded furious, Killua was mostly happy with having figured out Hisoka. « How did you do it ? Is it another property of your nen ? »

« You know what they say ? A magician never reveals his secret » 

For a brief moment, Killua was reminded of Gotoh. The chief butler used to say the same thing to him when he first showed him the coin trick. Gotoh had wanted him to figure it out by himself, and he felt the same challenge being given to him by Hisoka.

They both decide to sit at a Black jack table. There are two other people on the table, a large bald man and a frail woman. Both seemed to wonder how did that kid get inside and who was that man with him. Hisoka noticed their discomfort and had a sly smile. 

He grabbed Killua and gave him a quick peck on the cheeks « good luck sweetheart » 

Killua snapped back at him violently rubbing his cheek « Don’t do that ! » 

At that exact moment, one of the guards passing by took notice of the situation and came to Killua. « Has that man been bothered you sir ? » 

Killua took a moment to assess the situation. He looked at Hisoka who was waiting for his answer just as much as anyone. He closed his eyes in defeat « No… we are together ». The guard goes back and forth between the two, nods and leave. 

Hisoka gave a satisfied smile and winked at the other players « He is very shy, but that’s what makes him so adorable ». He then turns to face the croupier placing his chin on both his hand, ready to start playing. 

Killua swallowed hard, trying his best not to let Hisoka get the better of him. 

The croupier took that moment to ask the players « what are you betting ? Money or cards ? » 

That’s when Killua realized that he didn’t really have money, all he had were cards. He opened book to look around his choices and he couldn’t afford to give out his rare cards. He took his only Leave card and put it on the table. He knew this might be a dumb move, but he felt confident he would win. 

Hisoka on the other hand put a pile of chips on the table. Apparently he had money he could use here. Killua tried to catch his eyes to confirm that they did have this but he barely got acknowledged.

Cards were drawn and Killua looked at his, an ace and a two. Well, he could easily ask for another card. He got a five and started to feel frustrated… He didn’t know how Hisoka’s nen worked, but it wasn’t working for him. 

« Any more cards ? » 

The man had already given up and threw his cards while Hisoka, the small woman and himself were left. When cards were showed,  Hisoka had a blackjack. Of course he did, and collected everyone’s bets. 

He smiled at himself « beginner’s luck I presume. » 

The croupier didn’t seem phased for the first round but he did eye Hisoka when he gave out the second batch of cards. 

And that’s when a scream came out. « I didn’t cheat !! I swear !! I didn’t use the dice !! »

« We will see about that ! » 

Apparently, a man was being apprehended for cheating at a card game. He was being held by two guards. How did they know he cheated ? They seemed to be waiting for something and that’s when he noticed a short man with a large smiling face. He had a flat hat on and a brown briefcase. Nothing about him seemed scary but he looked so much in control that Killua knew he was leagues above almost everyone here. 

« Mister Daikuko sir ? » 

« Let him go » came that Daikuko surprisingly sweet voice. He came closer to the man and dusted his shirt off. 

« I swear I didn’t cheat ! » the man was panicking. 

« I believe you but I’m not the one you need to convince ». Still smiling, he opened his briefcase and dozens of green mice came out. People started shrieking right and left. By then, everyone’s attention was on that intercalation. 

Even Hisoka was observing intensely the situation, leaning back on the table and drinking his champagne. By the serious look on his face, Killua understood that this Daikoku meant business. 

The mice rushed at the man who tried to kill them with his very pathetic nen technique but there were too many and they all started crawling on him. The man screamed in fear when the mice that had reached his left arm turned black. 

« What does that mean ? » Killua was mostly thinking for himself but Hisoka answered him. 

« It means the man cheated with his left arm »

Killua looked at him with wide eyes. 

A bloody scream echoed in the room as they watched the man’s hand get eaten by the black mice. Daikoku was still smiling « Oh my dear, that must hurt… so you did cheat… that’s unfortunate for you ». 

Everyone in the room was silenced in horror as they watched the punishment for cheating. Now Killua knew why there was no checking when they entered. They didn’t need to. They had that guy inside. 

The man was now on the floor panting hard and loosing blood from his lost limb. The black mice had disappeared and the green ones were carrying the man outside. Leaving a trail of blood along the way. Hisoka’s aura came alive just then and killua saw from the corner of his eyes that he had just licked his lips. He was excited by that Daikoku guy.

The show was over and the croupier called back for their attention. 

Killua wasn’t sure if cheating was a good idea anymore and a hand reached his thigh. Hisoka came to whisper in his ears « Is there anything that would make you happy to get ? » 

Those words scared him to his core. He knew Hisoka wanted to cheat now more than ever and he wanted to please Killua with it. Killua cautious mind told him this was all a bad idea, it was better to leave, but he knew Hisoka would be hard to convince. 

Hisoka squeezed his thigh just a little harder « I can get you any card you want »

_Cards_. They still had to find a few, but Gon wouldn’t want to gain them like that would he ? The whole point was for them to look for the cards together. Actually playing the game. His nights with Hisoka weren't about the cards.

Hisoka straighten up without waiting for an answer « Can we ask for rare cards as a minimum wage ? » 

The croupier looked at Hisoka and then at the other players « If everyone agrees we can »

« Wait Hisoka I didn’t say… » 

« I have 2 leave cards here, any taker ? » Hisoka said ignoring Killua’s plea.

The other two people at the table had a change of attitude. Their eyes were on those two cards and it was obvious they wanted it more than anything.The woman talked first « I have the Spirited Away Hollow card, are you interested ? » Hisoka looked at Killua waiting to see his reaction. It was a card they had never seen before. It was an interesting one indeed. He didn’t say anything when the other man took out 5 special cards « Does any of those interest you ? » 

Killua bit his lips. He was conflicted now with the options that were given out to him.

« What do you say sweet heart ? Will you let me win those for you ? » 

This _was_ Hisoka, sure he liked to gamble his life but it didn’t involve Killua in this case. He could let Hisoka do his thing. Why should he care ? If it got him extra cards, why refuse ?

« Fine » He gave Hisoka a smile. « Good luck. Darling » he added in a sarcastic way. 

Hisoka seemed more than happy by that response. « And what are _you_ betting ? »

Killua blinked at Hisoka. _Shit_. He didn’t want to take the chance to lose a card he had gained with Gon. He looked at his options in his book and Hisoka didn’t let him go through them as he pointed at the one he wanted. « I want this one » 

The Witch's Love Potion card.

Killua knew exactly where he was going with this. « I’m not giving you this one » 

« Then the deal is off » 

The Bald man started to stutter next to him « Wait ! I have a copy of this card, I can add it ! I don’t mind. I don’t care of any other cards than leave. » 

Killlua looked back and forth between those two. If Hisoka used that card on him, he would fall in love with him for a whole week. The things Hisoka could do to him in that time gave him shivers. « I wont let you use it ! » 

« Are you playing yes or no sir ? » The croupier obviously didn’t care much for the couple's quarrel. 

Killua gritted his teeth. « I have a counter deal, I’ll… I’ll let you decide the program for one of our nights, I’ll go wherever you want and I’ll do… » 

« Whatever I want without complaints ? It is much better if you are aware ». Hisoka finished for him, grinning widely. 

Killua swallowed hard rethinking the deal. Maybe being under a potion would be better. 

Hisoka was now observing Killua, he had no intention on forcing himself on the boy, but the idea that he was willing to make that deal told him that not much stood between the two of them enjoying a carnal night. 

« So we have a deal ? » 

Killua had lost his words and could only nod. 

The cards were down. And Hisoka didn’t even try to be subtle. He had another black jack with the exact same cards making the croupier look at him uneasily, he saw him reach under the table. An alarm. 

Guards immediately arrived, one on each side of Hisoka who barely looked at them and simply said « Go fetch your Daikoku, I won’t waste my time with you » 

As if he was summoned, Daikoku was back in the Casino, walking nonchalantly, whistling to himself. People all around were once again frozen, some had even decided they preferred to leave the Casino all together. 

« Hisoka… Don’t kill anyone » Killua was almost pleading, this Daikoku might be a friend of Ging too. He had the same intimidating aura as Razor. 

Hisoka simply took his win and gave it to Killua « If you don’t want to be involved, I suggest you leave little boy. This fight is part of _my_ win ». 

_Damn it_, Killua cursed before he grabbed the cards, threw the leave ones at the other two and darted in direction of the exit. He had to make sure that at least most people would leave. 

He went straight for the fire alarm and shocked it with his aura. A siren went off and sprinklers were activated, prompting everyone to run away in a hurry. 

Daikoku was looking at the sprinklers in amusement « Hmm, it appears we have someone actually worth my attention this time » When his eyes left the ceiling to fall on Hisoka, they had no more nonchalance in them, they were darkened with a sharp resolve. 

Hisoka’s bloodlust was radiating in such strength that the few idiots that thought to stay were now running out of the casino. 

—-

Killua was just outside the Casino now, he was pacing back and forth his mind racing at all possible outcomes. None of which seemed any good. 

The street were empty, people had all ran away, some going to other casinos while a lot left the city all together. He was wondering if the commotion would alert the other game masters inside Greed Island. 

A huge band was heard as the main door flew right above Killua’s head. He turned to look at who it was that was coming out. 

_ Hisoka.  _

His white suit was all bloodied but was barely ripped anywhere, it almost looked like it was part of the design of his garment. Just by looking at his smile, Killua knew Hisoka had fun. He looked at his hands. One was dripping blood while the other held the head of a huge black rat-like creature. Was that Daikoku ? Or was it part of his nen ? 

Once he was within a meter from Killua, Hisoka looked down at him and Killua felt goosebumps running down his whole body. He took a step back, his bloodlust wasn’t sated yet, the rational part of him knew Hisoka wouldn’t kill him, but all his senses were telling him to run. 

Hisoka’s eyes were piercing him and an evil smile was frozen on his lips. Killua had been a fool to forget Hisoka’s nature. 

« He banned me from the casino with a special card. I can’t get in anymore, nor can I get near him. » That was all he was going to get from what had happened inside. Killua would just had to settle with knowing that Daikoku was probably still alive, in what state though, that he would never know. 

« Want to play some more ? » 

The question was said in a monotone way, somewhat unlike Hisoka’s normal tone. Killua knew he was probably talking about going to another casino. But the intense look was suggesting that anything could be implied. 

« Let’s just go in some other city ». Killua was careful with every word.

When Hisoka didn’t move, Killua took upon himself to get an Accompany card to get back to their usual meeting point. They’d take the time to figure out their next move from there. 

Once back in the forest, Hisoka was still oozing bloodlust and Killua had no clue what he could do to calm the tension. 

« Should we maybe go to… » Killua never got to finish that sentence as Hisoka pushed him against a tree, holding him strongly by his arms to a point where Killua was thinking blood wouldn’t be able to circulate anymore. He looked up to see Hisoka dark gaze on him and panicked took over. 

« Hisoka… Let me go ! That wasn’t part of the deal !! » 

But Hisoka wasn’t moving, he was piercing him with his eyes, waiting for something.

After trying to wiggle his way out of Hisoka’s grip, Killua settled for trying to push him off of him with his right foot. Hisoka was too strong for him and all he managed to do was insure a certain distance, but if Hisoka decided to act… He wouldn’t be able to do much. 

« Damn it Hisoka ! What’s wrong with you ?! » He was thinking to use his electricity to at least chock him long enough to get free from him.

As Killua was starting to build his own aura, Hisoka finally let go. He was still looking intently into Killua’s eyes but he took a step back and his aura seemed to subdue a little. 

« That fight wasn’t enough. » He simply told Killua who was starting to understand that Hisoka was struggling not to make Killua his next target. He noticed his bloodied fingers twitching and a bulge in his pants. He wanted to either kill of fuck- and Killua was the only person around. 

« Get back to your base, I’ll see you tomorrow night ». 

Killua wanted more than anything to get the hell out of Hisoka’s sight but he still dared to ask « What- » he swallowed hard « What are you going to do ? » 

Hisoka licked his lips and turned away « Find some release of course ». He was walking in the direction of the nearest city.

Once Killua couldn’t feel his aura anymore, he leaned his head back on the tree and sighed in relief. _That was too close_. Hisoka was too unpredictable and could get riled up on a whim. His heart was racing like crazy as he slid down and dropped his forehead on his knee. 

The deal they made didn’t seem so bad when he had suggested it, but after being so close to Hisoka’s bloodlust he found himself panicking about their next night together. What would Hisoka have in store for him ?

Killua breathed in and out for a few minutes trying to get his composure back before heading over to where Biscuit and Gon were probably soundly asleep. He tried to force himself to look at the upside, he could have a few hours of rest before meeting Hisoka again. 

As he got up, he almost forgot he was still wearing a suit. He made a mental note to change quickly once he got back. 

At least he had two new cards. 

—-

The next night arrived too soon for Killua and he was dreading it once more. He didn’t know what to except but his gut told him he should be ready for anything. 

It didn’t make it any easier that the day had gone smoothly with Gon being super excited about the two new cards and extra chatty. They even had a one hour break in the afternoon to go swimming together in the lake. It felt good to be able to play again without a care in the world. A little bubble that was unfortunately too fragile. 

When he was back at their rendez-vous place, Hisoka was already there. He seemed more relaxed than the day before. At least he didn’t have to deal with his crazy frenzy. 

« So today I get to pick our date right ? » 

« right… » he took a moment to take the words in « wait ! These are NOT dates ! » 

« Sure, outings if you rather. Are you ready to go ? » 

He wasn’t the sligtest but he took a deep breath to summon his courage and when he exhaled « Yeah, let’s get this over with »

Hisoka smiled, the boy was really tense. What could be going on in that mind of his ? He took out an accompany card. 

« Accompany on… Matsutown » 

In a flash of light they both appeared in front of a huge city full of lights and people. Killua had been expecting to end up somewhere raunchy like Aiai or something. But this looked more like- a fun fair. 

« Shall we ? » Hisoka asked not really minding if Killua followed or not. 

Killua took a few seconds to take in what was in front of him, wondering if this innocent looking place didn’t have some hidden shady activities going on. But as he slowly walked behind Hisoka, he realized nothing seemed off, there were even kids running around. Probably Character games but still. 

« I wasn’t expecting that »

« Really ? » Hisoka tried to sound innocent but he knew exactly that this place was a total surprise for him, especially after the previous night. « I’m sure there are lots of things a skilled boy like you can win here ». 

Killua gave him a side smile, still wary of being so close to Hisoka again. It was odd for Hisoka to chose such a place, even though his attire seemed like he actually belonged here. Was it an attempt to make amends ? After all, they still had four other nights to spend together. 

But he did want to try some of these games. Maybe he could snag some special cards. 

The first stand they tried was a pop the balloons with darts game. Killua had played darts all his youth back at home, it was the closest thing to a toy he had. It had been a gift from Illumi, _a way to mix playing with training_ he had said to their father. 

The tenant gave him 10 darts. If he popped 10 balloons he could chose any gift he wanted. Killua had his eye on the ridiculously big panda. He wanted to win it for Gon. For some reason, he thought he’d like it. 

Hisoka just stood there next to him, observing him pop those balloons one by one with such ease that the tenant was panicking and most likely trying to find a way to make the young boy miss. 

When Killua got his price, he turned to find Hisoka surrounded by kids that got attracted by his outfit. They all seemed to look at Hisoka waiting for him to do a performance. That scene was uncomfortable to look at to say the least. Kids shouldn’t be allowed near that man. 

Killua turned his giant panda in a card and put it in a free slot before getting Hisoka out of this awkward situation. He noticed him getting a balloon out of his pocket. He blew it and with a few well practiced moves turned it into a giant… DICK ??? Killua gasped so loud that it startled the people around it. He was going to go hit Hisoka for being so obscene when he realized that the kids who took the balloon was waving it around and running after the other kids. And it was suddenly obvious that it was a sword, thought the pink color didn’t help. 

« So were you actually a clown before ? » 

« Before what ? »

Killua rolled his eyes « Before being a sadistic murderer with weird tastes » 

Hisoka just hummed at that and didn’t bother to answer his question which made Killua growls with annoyance. « Where should we stop next ? »

Killua looked around « I’d like to try that hammer thing over there » 

On their way to the game, they stopped to take some cotton candy for Killua while Hisoka simply took a soft drink. 

The evening was surprisingly fun and casual. But that 180 from the night before made Killua still wonder about Hisoka. It made him the more difficult to read and a question has been on the back of his head ever since the « baby sitting » started. 

« Why are you hanging out with me ? Why are you attracted by a- kid ? »

Hisoka looked at him with an eyebrow hooked high. « You think of yourself as a kid ? » 

He didn’t expect the question to be thrown back at him like that « Well, I am… »

Hisoka smiled at him « Your age has nothing to do with it, you have more experience and wits than most adults.» He pauses to take a good look at him. « There’s nothing innocent about you, nothing for me to take that you haven’t already lost. Why would I stop myself from having fun with you ? »

Those words hit him hard, in a place he didn’t know was still sensitive. He couldn’t hold Hisoka’s gaze and turned his head to try to focus on other things, like kids running after each other or people complaining about a game being rigged. 

« And that’s what make you so special. » came Hisoka’s hot breath on his neck. He didn’t move. He could easily shove him off but he didn’t. He was curious to see if Hisoka would leave it at that, if he would take advantage of the fact that he didn’t have the energy to fight him off of him or to tell him he was wrong. 

But nothing happened, Hisoka just grabbed his arm gently and guided him to another roller coster. 

« Let’s move on. There’s still lost of fun thing we need to try »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the end, I don't know how that chapter comes across...  
I went back and forth with my feeling about it, but since I'm eager for the next one, here it is !  
Hope you enjoyed it ! 
> 
> Please share your thoughts ! It helps a lot !  
And if you are too shy, don't worry about it, just knowing people are reading this is good too ! 
> 
> AH!! I almost forgot, I was wondering who my readers ship ? (In general and what ship they want to see in this story).  
It will probably won't change the idea I already have in mind. But it's fun to know !  
Thanks !


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is loooong !!  
I don't know if it's too long tho, let me know if it's an issue. 
> 
> So Warning !  
This chapter has sexual scene in it and it's violent. (I don't think it qualifies as gore ?)
> 
> To be clear, if people underage are reading this, I feel obligated to remind every one that this is "anime sex".  
That's not how healthy sex should happen. XD

**Chapter 12 - Greed Island - Over the edge**

The rest of the week had passed uneventfully. They went to a night market that was full of exotic treats and to the port where the pirate used to be. Hisoka had been on his best behavior and Killua, even though he was getting tired, found himself seeing time past pretty fast. 

On the day before their 6th outing, Killua stumbled on Biscuit and Gon arguing on what to do with The Bomber once they finally catch him.

« I don’t really care what we do with them, they don’t deserve pity that’s for sure. » Biscuit had her hand on her hip acting bossy which she earned the right to be. « What do YOU want to do with them, since obviously you have your mind set on an idea already ». 

« I want to heal them and give them to Greed Island’s authority. Whatever happens, I want them to survive ».

Leave it to Gon to get stubborn on these sort of things. It always surprised Killua how he never had any rancor towards anyone. The Phantom troupe, Binolt and now The Bomber. Gon was always looking forward.

« I’m fine with that, what’s your opinion on the matter Killua ? » 

Killua hadn’t really thought about it. The conversation itself left him feeling uncomfortable. Talking about people who killed without remorse, what was the weight of his opinion in this ?

Gon looked at him waiting for his input too. Would anything Killua say even change his mind ? 

« I’m fine with it » He simply said shrugging. Gon grinned at his answer, clearly happy his idea was approved by all, but when he saw Killua leave he couldn’t help wonder if Killua was really okay with the idea. 

\---

When Gon went to find Killua, he was sitting by the lake, trowing rocks and making ricochets. Gon came and sat next to him silently. 

Killua knew Gon had noticed his shift of mood. He was a good friend, more than he deserved. 

« I killed more people than these three guys put together you know… I did worst things than just kill »

Gon stayed silent. Killua rarely talked about his past, he felt like if he said anything, he would close up again. So he waited. 

« Most of them were vile mafia men, but sometimes, the contract included the whole family, kids, elderlies. Other times, we needed information and the best way is always to torture a loved one and make them watch… I… did those things Gon »

« Did you enjoy it ? »

It hurt that he would ask that question. The answer hurt even more. 

« I sometime did. When training to fight and torture is your daily routine, It feels good when you get to be the one in control. The one who inflict rather the one to undergo. And I was good at it.»

Part of Gon vaguely understood. He had enjoyed the rush of fighting people and feeling the satisfaction of finding a way to outsmart them. But he never killed or even though about it, he never understood why people felt the need to go that far.

« But you didn’t have a choice in this »

_Really ?_ Gon of all people, the most stubborn person who wouldn’t let anyone change his mind though it was possible to be choiceless ?

Killua threw another rock « I did Gon… » 

« No you didn’t ! It’s-» But he couldn't find the words he needed to make him understand. « I don’t know… It’s not fair what you’ve been through… But it’s the past now, you are an ex-assassin Killua, you aren’t killing people anymore »

Killua gave a sad smile « Gon… _I_ say I’m ex-assassin. But that word doesn’t make sense does it ? For the people I’ve killed and their loved ones, I’ll always be an assassin. » 

Gon didn’t know what to respond to that. He wanted to make him understand that, despite all, he _was_ a good person. The best of friends. How could he make him see that. « Killua, you _are_ a good person » was all he could manage to say. 

« If someone you loved was killed… would you forgive the killer if that person decided to change ? »

That took Gon by surprise. His first instinct was to say he would never let anyone he loved die. But after meeting so many powerful nen users, he knew he was still too weak to claim such a thing. The truth is, he never though of it at all, loosing someone he cared about. The simple idea made something stir inside him. Something he didn’t want to touch. 

« I would »

_You’re a shitty liar Gon._

Killua looked back at the lake, the sun was setting now. « You better go get some rest Gon, you still need a lot of training tomorrow. »

Gon got up. He wanted to stay here with him, he wanted to find something powerful and convincing to say. He always felt a little helpless when Killua was in that mood. Killua felt out of reach, like if he was trapped in something too deep and too dark. Like he never really grasped what was tormenting him and whatever he said or did would only be superficial. 

Killua usually preferred to be left alone. And the next morning he was back on his feet. Having fun again. He hoped tonight wouldn’t be an exception. 

« Are you staying up late ? »

« Most likely »

« Okay... good night Killua »

« Good night. » He didn’t look at him leave. He was firmly fixing the horizon. Once he knew Gon was far off, he clenched his teeth, feeling miserable. 

He loathed himself. And it scared him to think that even Gon had a part of him that wouldn’t forgive an assassin. No matter how much he tried, nothing would undo what had been done. He was tainted, for life it seemed. 

He sighed and went to join someone he felt way too relatable to at the moment. 

—-

« You’re late » Hisoka was sitting on a fallen tree. He immediately noticed that Killua had a different air to him « A domestic dispute ? »

Killua didn’t give any attention to his comment. He looked him straight in the eyes and conveyed a strange confidence that sparked Hisoka’s curiosity.

« Ready to move ? »

« And where to, may I ask ? »

« How about Aiai city ? » 

Hisoka eyes grew wide but chose not to say anything. He knew any words could make him change his mind. And Killua was just as fickle as he was.

Once they arrived at the city, Hisoka wondered if Killua had actually a plan. He saw him look around at the different Love hotels. Apparently it was a spontaneous idea and so he decided to take the lead. « Come, I know the perfect place. »

Killua followed in silence. Hisoka brought him in front of the tallest building around, if he was going to spend the night with the little Zoldyck, it was going to be a 5 stars experience. 

That love hotel looked almost alienesque amongst the raunchy buildings arounds. The inside was shiny to the point where Killua thought the cleaning staff must be passing by every hour. At least. The entry hall had greek immaculate white columns aligned guiding the clients to the lobby desk. 

As they walked in direction of where a surprisingly still concierge was standing hand behind his back, Killua noticed how between each column, an immense painting of different creatures and landscapes from the game decorated the walls. 

Hisoka leaned on the table, making sure the concierge would give him his full attention « I want your most expansive room and I want everyone out of the hotel. »

The concierge who was probably used to capricious clients couldn’t hide his bafflement « Sir, I can’t really do that… We have other clients »

« I don’t really care, if you don’t find a way, I’ll go myself from room to room and kill everyone last one of them. I’m actually starting to like that second plan » He said with devilish eyes. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Hisoka was dead serious. 

The concierge panicked look had him stumble on his feet while walking backward. He pulled the emergency fire alarm and took the microphone, sweat covering his face. « Attention dear customers, for your safety, please evacuate immediately, you are in imminent danger… We... we will have accommodation for your disturbance. I repeat, you are in imminent danger. »

After only a few minutes, Killua saw a herd of people coming out in a frenzy, some of which were naked or trying to hide themselves with whatever fabric they picked before leaving in a hurry. If he wasn’t dealing with his own personal stress, he might have found the scene funny.

The best room was at the top of the hotel. It was a full floor that reminded him slightly of Heaven Arena. The design was completely different though and it wasn’t really made for people to live in it. There weren’t a living room or a dining room. But there were many type of couches, armchairs and tables. To give people options he thought.

In the center was a huge round bed, with clean white sheets and all sorts of cushions. It looked way too big for two persons, maybe it was made for more. On the ceiling above the bed he noticed a mirror with lights around of different colors to choose from. He felt he had entered a cheap porno movie. The kind that had elevator-like music and a shitty storyline just to make people fuck, like a delivery guy bringing a big package to a desperate housewife or something. 

Those thoughts didn’t calm his racing heart. He only had sex with Illumi and Illumi was always in charge. He didn’t know if he really knew how to do this. As absurd as it sounded to even himself, he didn’t want to look so inexperienced. 

He knew Hisoka was a wild card and the idea of not being able to anticipate anything made him second think this whole thing. He didn’t think this through.

But that was the point, wasn’t it ? He was tired of overthinking everything, of planning and predicting. He just wanted… what exactly ?

Hisoka was observing the boy with pure delight. Waiting patiently for an opportunity, he didn’t dare say anything or even get too close to him. If he did, there was no stopping him, he wanted to make sure the boy was fully aware of what he was getting himself into. He was just waiting for a sign to take the first strike. 

That’s when Killua turned to him with a taunting look in his eyes. He was daring him to approach him. In a flash Hisoka had pushed Killua on the bed with force. Killua didn’t have time to realize what was happening, he saw himself in the mirror before having his view blocked by Hisoka’s excited face. 

Hisoka was striking again, attacking his mouth first, sucking on him with brute force, not letting him time to breath. 

He was finally given the chance to play with this body and he didn’t want to restrain himself anymore. He wanted him out of those clothes already, using his sharp nail to tear his shirt leaving long marks of blood on his chest and making Killua gasp with surprise. 

Killua’s body was his to ravage. Sucking on him, bruising him, crushing him. Hearing his gasps and whimpers just made him want more and more. He wanted to play with him like an instrument, controlling the sounds of pleasure and pain that would come out of his perfect little pink mouth. If he pressed here, Killua would whimper in pain, and if he touched him there… He would moan in pleasure. Those moans where delightful.

He ripped his shorts and underwear apart, not caring that he’d sliced his inner thigh in the process. More to taste. He wanted to hear those moans again and he licked the sliced tight. He felt Killua shiver in eagerness as his tongue reached his crotch. He wasn’t going to make him wait and took him in his mouth. His cock wasn’t small by any mean, but it was a 13th year old, and Hisoka was able to take him all in with ease. 

Killua was already dizzy with pleasure, he didn’t expect things to get intense so quickly. He was bitting on his hand trying to keep his muffled screams and moans for himself. He didn’t want to share them. 

But that’s when Hisoka went even lower, passed down his balls and went for a sensitive area that had never been touched this way. His eyes popped open, looking at the ceiling, he saw Hisoka, playing with his anus, licking it, toying with it, entering him with his tongue. He didn’t know he could feel so much pleasure and this time he did squeal.

Hisoka enjoyed every bit of it. Hearing all of Killua’s defenses falling. He wanted him to beg him to finish him off. Teasing him and making him squirm with want. 

« Ah… please… Hiso… ka ». 

That sweet little voice that struggled to keep any semblance of composure. He loved hearing him so desperate and he went back to take his cock in his mouth. 

Killua didn’t last long after that and he came hard inside his mouth. Hisoka was taking all his juice inside him, enjoying the sweet taste. That boy was a treat. 

He looked up and went to find Killua’s blurry eyes. He kissed him wanting him to taste himself. Killua was coming down from his intense orgasm and let Hisoka guide him back to reality with kisses. _What was that sweet taste ?_ He wondered as his heart beat were slowing down. 

But he didn’t have time to rest, Hisoka wanted his own release now and he felt his fingers preparing him for it. His mind was too lost to even gasp, Hisoka’s tongue providing enough distraction. As his heart beat was slowing down to a more normal rythme, he heard fabrics being tossed off and felt Hisoka hot bare chest on his. 

« This is going to hurt sooo good »

And Hisoka entered him in one strong move that made Killua scream in pain while Hisoka’s eyes were wild with lust. « You were worth waiting for little boy ». And he pulled out just to push back in with strength as each of his trust was meant to hurt. Hisoka had switched back to his sadistic nature. 

Killua was bitting his lips trying to hide the pain. He felt like his body was going to be ripped in two. He then slowly felt the trusts ease as he started bleeding. He shut his eyes again and swallowed hard. Hisoka’s grip on him was crushing him and he was piercing his skin with his nails. But Killua let the pain take over. It was a familiar feeling. 

He didn’t want to stay a passive toy in his hand so he decide to fight back. He turned his own hands into claws and planted them firmly on Hisoka’s shoulders sliding down his arms, turning them to shreds. 

Hisoka was ecstatic. _Oh those eyes… this pain… Those tight _ _walls_. He was being overwhelmed by how much he was enjoying breaking him bits by bits and watching him try to do the same. « I was waiting for you to get this passionate. »

Killua pushed Hisoka over, getting on top of him and sitting on his lap. His nails as sharp as ever were digging inside him, scratching him turning himself into a wild animal in the arms of the older man. 

The bed sheet were turning red with their blood and the smell of sweat and iron was filling the room. Hisoka looked up to find an image of them, two bodies laced together in pain and pleasure. 

Killua had wrapped his legs around Hisoka, sliding his cock back inside him, making sure he was hitting his sensitive spot and taking back control of his own pleasure, feeling his erection growing back. 

His nails planted themself on his back now. Gripping for dear life as he wanted to come again. « No, little boy, not just yet » And Hisoka held Killua by his chest to guide his body like he wanted him. 

A cracking sound was heard and Killua gasped in pain. 

Hisoka had broken a rib but didn’t loosen his grip on Killua, guiding him on his cock with all the strength of his excitement while Killua was turning his back into shred, biting into his shoulder to hold the painful screams. He heard Hisoka’s mantra « more, more… ! » as he trusted harder and harder inside his tiny frame. 

He knew Killua wanted a second release and he had prepared a little treat for him. He engulfed his erection in bungee gum and started stroking him. 

Killua’s mouth opened in surprise but no sound came out as he struggled for air. The sensation was intoxicating, his erection was completely grabbed by Hisoka’s aura and it was wet, warm and tight. All he knew is that it was even more intense than the earlier blow job. 

Pain and pleasure were mixing now in both their bodies making them come closer to sweet release. 

That grasp on his dick gave Killua an idea. He used his electricity and concentrated it on his bottom. A shock went through Hisoka’s whole body making him come instantly deep inside him, squishing his body once more, maybe breaking a second rib. Killua came a second time shortly after. Spreading his seeds all over both their stomach. 

Both of them were panting as they let themselves fall on the bed trying to catch their breath. 

Killua’s eyes were still wide and wild, not fully understanding yet what had just happened. He felt like he had been possessed. Almost like when he was on a killing spray.

Minutes passed. 

Killua was slowly recovering coming back to his senses and damages. His back and chest were a mess. Cuts, some very deep, one that may need stitches. He had two broken ribs and his whole body was sore.

« Killing and fucking draws from the same animalistic instinct…». Hisoka said between two breath, his hand pushing his hair off his face. « I knew you’d be a natural, that last trick you pulled… Oh the delight… » He was getting excited again just thinking about it. It wasn’t enough.  « How are you dealing with the damages ? »

« Nothing too bad, but you broke 2 ribs. How am I going to explain it to Biscuit and Gon. I’m fighting The Bomber in two days ». 

Those damages looked beautiful on him. 

« Just so you know, I did go soft on you for our first time » he said in a hoarse voice.

Those words were chilling. « First time ? I think this was it. »

Hisoka lifted himself on his elbows. His lust pouring out of him in an ominous presence like his need to murder. He wanted more. Killua feared what was coming to him, his instinct told him to run. 

But he didn’t have time, Hisoka pushed Killua on his stomach « Hey ! What are you d…? » and shoved his head in the mattress so his words became muffled sounds. 

He entered him again in this position, completely dominating him. Killua was squirming underneath him, his hands back in claw mode trying to slice Hisoka’s hand off his head. 

Hisoka was finding those attempts amusing and took one of his already healing hands and squished, enjoying the sound of the broken bones while still trusting franticly. Killua muffled his screams bitting into the sheets. 

The boy was now shaking under him as he griped the mattress with his still usable hand, trying to hold desperately to something. But Hisoka was already getting close once more. 

Killua aura build up his aura and shocks blasted out of him, hitting anything he could. Hisoka was smiling, enjoying the pain of the shocks with the pleasure of his trusts, surrounded by the chaos this small body was producing. Objects were now breaking around them and the mirror above was hit making pieces of it rain on them. He turned Killua’s head to look at him, his eyes were tearing up but were filled with furry. That look pushed him over the edge as he came once more feeling a lighting hit his whole body. 

He let go of Killua’s now limb body. He had exhausted his energy trying to electrocute Hisoka. The magician still had little sparks of electricity going through his body, making his post orgasm state that much sweeter. 

Killua had turned away from Hisoka, rage blinding him.

Hisoka was back to his calm self and looked at the pale form next to him. His back looked like a beautiful piece of art with all shades of colors and elegant lines of blood. 

Killua’s breathing was barely audible. He knew he had gone too far but he needed that second release and that’s how he wanted it. Violent and unfair. He had waited too long for this boy and he wanted him to be his for his selfish pleasure. 

Did he break his new toy already ?

Hisoka rolled on his side to face Killua and lifted a hand to caress his arm, gently this time. 

Killua took the opportunity to claw his unbroken hand on his. Pining him to his body. He looked back at Hisoka with murderous eyes « Don’t you ever do that to me again ». Dark pool of rage, electricity flashing true them, making the lights around them shimmer. 

For the first time, he felt that Killua might not be an uninteresting fight, even at his young age. He was getting close to perfection.

He left his hand under Killua’s claws accepting the punishment for his behavior. Thought he still used his free fingers to softly draw circles on his arm. That seemed to calm Killua who let go of his now bloodied hand. He took this as a sign of peace. 

Hisoka dared to get closer as he started to caress Killua’s whole body, massaging his sore muscle, letting his hand slide on his arms and his chest. Soft hands were now making amends. He nibbled on his ear and whispered sweet words « Now now little boy, don’t take it like that, I do enjoy pleasuring you but you get me too excited and I just can’t hold back my needs. You can’t blame me, you are just too tasty ». 

Killua didn’t give him a reply, part of him was mostly blaming himself for being here in the first place. When you enter a cage with a wild animal, who’s fault is it if you get bitten ? The truth was, he didn’t hate Hisoka’s desire for him. He didn’t hate how his possessiveness made him violent. Violence was a language he understood. His body had been shaped through violent hands. It was familiar and strangely comforting. 

He looked up at the now broken mirror and looked at their bodies, surrounded by shredded clothes and blood. That picture up there,he hated it but it was him. The body that responded to Hisoka, the possessed beast filled with rage and lust. The screams of pain and pleasure.That _was_ him.

« You are a gorgeous boy » Hisoka murmured looking at the same picture. « And you learn so fast » His hand where becoming insistent. Still caressing him, nibbling on the small wounds he had access to. And slowly, Killua was accepting that image melting into those touches. He felt pain in his throat from the screaming but managed to ask for what he wanted. « Make me come again with that bungee gum technique. » 

He felt Hisoka’s smile in the crook of his neck. « Happy to »

And his newly erection was once again surrounded by a wet aura with Hisoka’s hand going up and down his length. His back arched with pleasure, exposing his neck to Hisoka soft bites and kisses. « You taste so sweet, I could eat you all ». Killua just responded with the softest moan. 

For the third time that night, Killua came. Shuddering agains Hisoka chest. Hisoka was back at caressing him gently, stroking his hair a little letting Killua’s breading slow in pure bliss. 

The sheets were a mess of blood and semens now. Even the mattress had wholes in it. The room had broken objects all around because of Killua’s outbursts. While still staying in bed, they had managed to make a wreckage. How satisfying.

Killua closed his eyes and decided to stay still, feigning tiredness. Hisoka was still stroking him gently and Killua was enjoying those calming touches making him forget his own train of thoughts. He let himself enjoy the moment and refused to address the feeling sneaking inside of him. 

Hisoka was slowing down his movements, thinking the boy had drifted to sleep. 

Killua felt him get up, put his clothes back and leave the room. 

He sighed in relief. Hisoka had what he wanted. He probably wasn’t interested in him anymore. 

He wanted to lie forever here. He didn’t want to care about anything anymore. Not his broken bones, not the blood he was loosing, not the pain between his legs. It was odd how all that pain was part of who he was. 

The reality of what happened was now sinking in but he didn’t want to think he did anything wrong tonight. He hadn’t killed anyone. The only person that got hurt was him, and he welcomed the pain as an old friend. 

His own hatsu was made of pain. It made sense his desires would. 

Minutes passed and he was still there looking at nothing. It was occurring to him now that his clothes were a shredded mess and that he’d have to figure out a solution for it. He decided a shower was a good start and then he’d get some sleep.

But dusk was here and the first ray of light that came inside the room was cruelly showing Killua the evidence of what had happened and what he would have to face soon enough. Guilt and well crafted lies.

The shower was soothing and waking him up now. It was complicated to clean himself with only on hand that was still healing. But he had to wash himself perfectly, Gon would smell anything weird on him. 

Once out of the shower, it seemed people were waking up as he started to hear noises and smelled the freshly baked bread. He now felt hungry. 

And then he saw Hisoka in the kitchenette. He had a plate of croissant and chocolate breads. Orange juice and coffee set out on the table. He didn’t know how to react to Hisoka being back. What did he want from him now ? But he was too hungry to ask and decided he would first eat.

As he approached the table he felt exposed and hesitated. Hisoka pointed to the couch next to him. There was some clean and folded clothes.

Killua let out a sigh of relief and dressed himself quickly. He had chosen a very simple black turtle neck shirt with light purple shorts that came down to his knees. It felt like something he would have in his wardrobe.

He then came to sit in front of him snagging a chocolate bread. 

« I brought coffee for you too, boys your age usually don’t drink coffee but they also don’t drink whisky and fuck older men »

Killua took the coffee without a word or meeting his eyes. He did drink coffee. Sometime just to shock people at cafes. 

Hisoka was tipping his croissant in his coffee and observing him in silent. It made Killua feel self-conscious but he didn’t want to talk so he kept quiet. The sun was now rising. Making the past event too real now. Night 6 was over. 

« You slept well ? ». He didn’t want to tell Hisoka that he didn’t sleep at all. Didn’t want to let him know he didn’t feel tired and he could have went for another round, in the shower maybe. But his usual self-loathing had come back to break his mood and he was trying his best to just deal with the situation. Of the previous night, of Hisoka coming back with breakfast and clothes and trying to have idle talk with him. 

« Well enough »

« Still mad ? »

« No »

« Then how are you feeling this morning ? »

Satisfied, empty, confused. He had no answer so he ignored the question. 

« The sun is up, you are free to go now ». 

« I can’t, I have to find an explanation for my hand and ribs… and everything else ». 

« I did mess you up » He said with a satisfied smile « Any regrets ? » 

The answer to that question scared him. « I had way worse than that when it comes to pain » 

« What about the pleasure ? » 

Was he trying to compare him to Illumi ? There wasn’t much to compare, they were both complete opposites.

« I didn’t hate it ». 

Hisoka grinned in contempt. « It was obvious you didn’t. You couldn’t stop moaning, sweet melody to my ears ». 

Killua’s hand gripped his coffee tightly. « Stop it ». He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t regret it and he did enjoy it. But he wasn’t going to start debriefing about it. 

« You are too spoiled for your own good ». 

Killua’s head snapped up, meeting Hisoka’s eyes for the first time this morning. « what ? » 

Hisoka got up, and in a swift movement pushed everything off the table and pinned Killua’s body on it. 

« Stop acting like you only deigned to have sex with me. Your body, your eyes, every sound you made gave you away. You loved me fucking you even when I took you by force. You loved how it hurt and you craved the pleasure. » Killua could feel his hot breath on him « You are made for this, your body was made for this. »

Killua’s throat felt dry. He was scared of those words more than the man standing above him. « I… you’re wrong ». 

« Am I ? What if I took you once more right now. What would you say ? » He went to put his hand on his dick to prove his point

Killua didn’t say anything, his dick twitching was telling enough. 

And just like that, he let him go. Killua let out the breath he had been holding. The worst part was, he felt a little disappointed he hadn’t acted on his words. 

Hisoka was back to acting like nothing happened « What’s your plans for our last date ? » 

He didn’t know, some voice in his head wanted to say « This room again », but his body was already too damaged, he needed to rest and heal for the day after tomorrow. 

« I… I don’t know yet ». 

« Well, I would love some more intimate time with you but I suppose you need to heal a little before that fight of yours. » . At least they agreed on that. 

Killua eyes were taking a good look of Hisoka who had his hands on his hips acting proud. He didn’t take time to attest the damages he had done to him. His arms were shredded and bruised. His chest underneath his white shirt had different color shades. He had a few burns from the electricity shots. The fact that he did that to him… Excited him.

In a heartbeat he had jumped on Hisoka like an animal. His feet on his hips and his valid hand gripping on his shirt. His eyes were wide and possessed again « I can’t afford another night like that one… If you want more, it has to be now ». 

His aura was sending static energy around them, Hisoka felt his hair go up and heat in his lower stomach. 

Young boys had such energy and assassins boys… « Didn’t take you for a morning person ». 

—-

When Gon woke up, he saw that Killua was nowhere to be seen. Even if it was nothing new, and he was sure Killua was in no danger, the fact that he wasn’t there by his side made him uneasy. It felt weird not to have Killua next to him and he couldn’t help but feel that something was wrong, something that went beyond what he could understand.

He saw that Biscuit was already preparing breakfast. 

« Ah great, you are up ! No time to lose, today you are definitely getting it ! » 

« Biscuit. Did Killua leave early this morning ? » 

She shrugged « Who knows, that boy gets bored too easily. I gave him a fun exercise and he still prefers to wander around. I suspect he didn’t even sleep at all last night. » 

That was probably meant to reassure him, that Killua was just doing his things but Gon didn’t like that, especially after the conversation they had the night before. He was worried Killua might hurt himself somehow. 

« Hmmm, Biscuit, do you think assassins are redeemable ? » 

« Argh ! I though we settle this yesterday, we are healing The Bombers and giving them to authority, we are no judges »

« I meant… Killua… » 

That made Biscuit stop what she was doing to ponder the question. « Killua is a different case. » she said slowly. 

« Why is that ? » 

Her eyes narrowed on him « If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you want to inculpate him »

« No ! » Gon replied in panic « Of course not ! it’s just… I _know_ that Killua is a good person. I just know it with my guts. I _know_ he deserves to pursue his own goals, that he shouldn’t be punished. It’s just… I can’t find the words to explain it ». 

For someone that could never give up on his goals, he looked so lost.

Biscuit took pity on him « It’s complicated… But the first thing to consider is that Killua is a child, as experienced as he is or as mature as he sound, he is still only 13. You can’t judge a child like an adult, you can’t expect them to have the same awareness as adults. If Killua was thought that killing was normal, well, it’s not his fault, it’s his parents fault. »

That made so much sense. He wished he had been able to make Killua understand that yesterday. But he was also a kid… these words out of his mouth would have sounded stupid. wouldn’t they ?

« Biscuit… How can Killua be saved from his past ? »

Biscuit shoulder fell a little, _so that’s what’s really bothering him_… she was trying to find the right words. To keep it simple. 

« First, you have to know, _you_ can’t _save_ Killua. »

That had an immediate reaction from Gon. Of course he could, he would do anything for Killua. He would find a way, Biscuit just didn’t understand… 

His expression was easy to read and Biscuit sighed « What I mean is, if you did _save_ Killua… You would be taking something from him he desperately need to be happy. »

That didn’t make much sense to Gon. Wasn’t the key to Killua’s happiness his freedom ? « What are you talking about biscuit… ? » 

« His agency, Gon. Killua struggles are inside his head. » She plainly said, a finger pointing to her own head. « He’s been tortured, brainwashed, forced to kill. He’s a prodigy whose whole sense of self was probably build around that image of a flawless assassin. It’s not easy to fight against your whole upbringing. »  Gon’s heart was feeling tight but he let Biscuit continue. « Him freeing himself from that education can only make sense if it’s in his own terms. » 

She paused, letting the words sink in. Gon’s eyes had dropped to the floor and his fists were clenched. She felt compelled to add « But he did run away to go to the hunter exam, so part of him always knew he didn’t want that life. That’s a sign that he does have what it takes to save himself. So you have to believe in him. And give him time. »

« But if Killua was able to leave… Shouldn’t he feel better now ? He left, that life is behind him. »

« Like I said, it’s complicated. It’s not as simple as walking through a door. He isn’t just learning how to be a hunter, he is also unlearning many things. That takes time and it comes with ups and downs. And most importantly, no one can or should do it for him » 

Gon was silently listening to Biscuit, trying to understand what she meant, part of it felt beyond his grasp. Something too foreign from his personal experiences. He understood that he needed to trust in Killua but… 

« But, I can’t stand being useless ». 

« You are not _useless_ Gon. I said you can’t save him, but you can still help him. You already are. »

« Really ? It doesn’t feel like it. Honestly, he’s the one helping me most of the time »

Biscuit smiled at that. « Well, that’s partly true since you are the one with the clear goal here. But trust me, that kid is happy when he’s around you. » _I can hardly imagine what his life must have been like before he left that home_ « Just be yourself Gon. Be his _friend_, that’s what Killua needs from you »

It sounded too simple, but it did manage to make Gon feel a little better. He still wished he could do more. But he guessed he’d have to accept Biscuit's words. Killua needed happy Gon. He needed Gon to be what his family was never able to be. 

« Ready to train ? Hopefully, by the time Killua comes back, you’ll have something to show him ». 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really scared of your reactions ! XD  
I hope I didn't go too far, but this is part of Killua's journey. 
> 
> Go ahead and yell at me in the comments. I deserve it !
> 
> More seriously, something that I find important to address is this sentence "When you enter a cage with a wild animal, who’s fault it is if you get bitten ?"  
It's important to me to underline the fact that this is Killua's POV. It is NEVER the victims fault when there is sexual abuse, it's the abuser's fault. Sure, we can all do different things to better protect ourselves but it doesn't make it our fault or responsibility if we are victim of abuse. I could go on for hours on the subject but I will leave it at that.  
If you wish, you are welcome to share your thoughts respectfully but I will not accept any blaming/shaming of victims. 
> 
> But I also accept any other thoughts and comments on this chapter !  
Thank you all for reading, commenting and/or kuddoing !


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter of the Greed Island arc !  
I'm so grateful for the nice feedback I received on last chapter ! I was so scared of going too far, but you are all thought cookies ! 
> 
> Thanks you and enjoy !

** Chapter 13 - Greed Island - Aftermath **

Killua was lying on the hotel’s large bed, too big for a child. He was naked, on his back, his body covered in strange substance, he felt excruciating pain between his legs and he couldn’t quite process what had happened exactly. 

He could hear the water running from the bathroom, the room was only lit by a small lamp. The curtains were closed. The night life was quieting outside. 

Was he being punished ? Was it training ? The pain itself wasn’t the worst he had experienced, but something about it felt different. Like it was breaking the last barrier that gave him any power over himself. Like it got inside a part of him he didn’t even knew existed until it was lost. Like he had passed a no turning point. To where ?

But he had to trust Illumi, he had to trust his brother knew what was good for him. Like when he ate poison, or got electrocuted or was starved… or… It must have be another training, something that he needed to endure too, just like the rest. And his brother looked happy with him, like he had never seen him be before. 

But why did he hate that training more than all the others ? Why did he want to throw up if he didn’t eat poison ? Why did his skin crawl like he had been shocked ? Why was he feeling so empty inside ?

The water stopped running and the door opened. Illumi came out all wet and still naked but cleaned up. He leaned over his brother gently stroking his hair. 

« You did very good Killu »

He didn’t do anything.

He scooped him up with care and brought him in the bathroom. The light was brighter in there and made him squint but the rest of his body was paralyzed, preparing itself for whatever was about to come. 

He felt himself being slowly dropped in warm bubbly water. Illumi had prepared a bath for him. He never prepared a bath for him. And the temperature wasn't burning hot or icy cold. It was perfect and the soap had a soothing smell to it. 

Illumi got up « wait for me here, I’ll be back soon ». 

And he left leaving him even more confused than earlier. What was he supposed to do in the bath ? Was it another training ? Dread was filling him, he didn’t dare move or utter a word. 

He closed his eyes and slowly let himself go under water to the comforting silence. Maybe it was a practice for him to hold his breath. He had learned to control his breathing and could stay almost half an hour under water now.

It was one of the few training he actually enjoyed. Being underwater was his favorite place in the world. It calmed him. Suspending him in time and space. His senses would shut completely protecting him from the outside stimuli. His whole body would go numb and with it the pain that was persisting, it was a welcomed absence of feeling. 

His mind wouldn’t wander around, he would just enjoy the reassuring envelop around him. Like he was in an eternal loop of peace. He never could tell how long he could stay in that trance. It was always his brother or father that would get him out. They were the one that decided when it would become too dangerous for him. 

If he could, he would never leave this place. 

…

...

...

Hands found him and brought him out. 

He inhaled like he had forgotten what air was, his lungs hurt like they were on fire. He coughed and heaved up water. His hands clenched on whoever was holding him as every one of his senses came back to him painfully, the sounds, the blurry vision and his broken body.

« Killu, I didn’t tell you to go under water. You know you can’t do that training without supervision. » His voice was as neutral as ever, but maybe it was his ears pulsing blood but he did hear a hint of worry as Illumi added « I’ve been gone for almost an hour… » 

He pulled him up on his feet and with a swift move, he pulled on the bath plug. He had a big and warm towel that he wrapped around his younger brother. Killua was still coughing and now slightly trembling as he regained his sense of self. Something he didn’t think he’d end up resenting so much now. 

Illumi dragged his docile body out of the tub and into the main room. He went to fetch something as close as a pajama as he could find and started to dress him up. He had a smaller towel to dry his hair. Every action was made with so much attention, so much care. Killua felt guilty for hating it all. Didn’t he crave his brother’s love ?

« I brought food if you are hungry » Killua didn’t even look at it, he shook his head no. « I even got a chocolate dessert » Killua didn’t move, his blank eyes were glued to the floor. 

He felt Illumi hands grip him a little tighter. « Killu ? » 

He managed to open his mouth and in a low voice simply answered « I’m really tired now brother ». 

Illumi stayed with his hands on his shoulder for a few more seconds before taking him to bed. He noticed that the sheets had been changed but didn't mention it. He let his brother place him the way he wanted and felt him embracing him. 

His back was pressed against Illumi’s chest and he felt every heart beat from his brother. They were so slow. Illumi was caressing him gently. He kissed him behind the neck and whispered in his ear « We have a special bond you and I, you are the greatest Zoldyck heir in history and I am the most apt to help you reach your full potential. I’m devoted to you Killu. Every thing I do, is for your own good. My dear little brother, you will grow to understand how much I care for you ». 

His brother had never spoken such words to him before. It was a night of many firsts. 

But those words that were meant to be filled with love where strangling him. 

It’s a good thing Killua had learned to control his breathing and to cry in silence. 

—-

Years later, Killua was yet again lying on a bed too big for him, Hisoka stroking his hair with one hand and looking into his book with the other. He didn’t like how he felt like Hisoka’s pet and wanted to jerk his hand off of him. But it was as if those long fingers were casting a spell on him, pinning him down to the bed, stoping his thoughts from spinning around. 

Surprisingly, Hisoka had been gentle with him that last time. Making sure not to break anymore bones or bruise him too much. He probably didn’t want to damage him too much before his fight. 

As if on cue, Hisoka asked « How confident are you about your fight with The Bomber ? »

« Confident enough, why ? You worried ? »

Hisoka fingers went down his neck slowly watching the goosebumps form on the pale body.

« Of course, I wouldn’t want to lose you so soon » He purred. 

Killua knew that this wasn’t affection. This was another sick game he entered with another twisted man. He was yet another toy. Maybe he did have a type. 

Hisoka looked at the clock « Isn’t sweet Gon going to get worried ? It’s almost 11 am now. Not that I’m complaining, I am enjoying the company. »

Killua closed his eyes, letting Hisoka stroke his head a few time before letting out a sigh. He rose in a mechanical way, not looking back at the man behind him. « I’ll need to shower again ». 

« Need any help ? » 

Killua spotted from the corner of his eye the lustful smile on Hisoka’s face. He also noticed that his book was opened on a map of Greed Island. A bunch of lights were lit on the same area. Who’s movements could Hisoka be following ? 

Hisoka closed book immediately. « Curious little boy, aren’t we ? » He got up, not at all shy by his nakedness and he started to dress up. « Well, I guess I’ll be leaving you then, I’ll be looking forward to our last date. »

When had it become officially dates now ? « Don’t expect too much » 

« Oh my boy, you already exceeded my expectation »

Killua’s hand clenched on the fabric underneath him. He wasn’t expecting to feel so triggered by those words. He had let himself fall into Hisoka grasp for selfish reasons, he wanted to know how far he could go before breaking. But he didn’t break and he hated that Hisoka was happier than he was about it. 

Hisoka went around the bed to face him. His hands on his hips waiting to be acknowledged. 

Killua rolled his eyes but did cave, he looked up at him with a hint of disgust in his eyes. 

« Don’t give me that look, I didn’t make you do anything. We both had fun, what is wrong with that ? » There was surprisingly no malice in his voice. 

He leaned over to give him a lingering kiss on the lips, clawing his hand in his hair to make him tilt his head the way he wanted him too. « You are a delicious fruit, now that I had a taste, it’s going to be hard to behave. I’ll do my best though » He whispered in a husk voice, enjoying Killua’s skin being filled with goosebumps. 

Killua kept his mouth shut though, he had nothing to say to him. He was waiting for him to leave so he could get up and shower but Hisoka wasn’t moving, instead he was scanning him and his eyes fell on his hands. 

« Go take your shower, I’ll bandage your hands once they are clean » 

Killua blinked a few times before replying « I can manage on my own ». 

« Of course you can, I’ll be waiting »

He stayed a few second trying to register the situation. Hisoka’s attitude was unnerving but he could use some help… It would probably make it easier to hide it too. 

He finally got up to take a long hot shower. 

—-

Gon was looking in the horizon for the nth time in that single morning alone. No sign of Killua. He still had in mind their last conversation and as much as he trusted Biscuit's words, part of him felt in his guts that there was something wrong with Killua. 

Even while being distracted, he had managed to succeed on his technique and Biscuit let him refine it on his own while she was off training her own nen. 

But it was almost time for dinner and he couldn’t stand still anymore, he was too worried to concentrate. After fidgeting in place for a few minutes, he finally decided to use book and make contact with Killua. 

It took a few seconds before Killua’s voice came on. 

« Hello ? » 

« Killuaaaaa !!! Are you alright ??? » Gon couldn’t contain his relief to hear his friend's voice. Where was he ? 

« Yeah… I’m on my way… ». He sounded so hesitant and Gon’s heart was feeling heavy in his chest. He was afraid his gut feeling might have been right.

« Where are you ? What happened ? » 

« I’m walking back where you are right now, nothing happened, I just… lost track of time ». 

A long pause followed. Something was clearly off. « Killua… are you sure you are alright ? » 

« I’m okay Gon, really. Don’t worry. I’ll be back soon, we can talk more later ». 

Gon tried to pull himself together for Killua’s sake. He was going to trust him. « Okay Killua » he even tried to smile a little. « I’ll see you later » 

Gon closed book and looked again in the horizon hoping by a miracle that Killua was just a few meters away. But he was on his way and he would get a chance to make sure he was alright for real. 

—-

Killua was on his way back to their hide out when he received that call from Gon. It was obvious he was worried, it was obvious he knew something was up. He managed to sound as strong as possible but everything was becoming too much. 

Once the contact was off, Killua couldn’t help himself from shaking. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

He was only a few miles away from Gon, but he felt he created a distance between them now, filled with lies and fear…

For the first time, he wasn’t eager to see Gon. He was too good of a friend to him. More than he’d ever deserve. Giving up his hands wasn’t good enough to repay Gon, giving up his own life wouldn’t be either. Especially with how little he valued his own life.

His legs were feeling weak and he had to drop down on his knee to take a few minutes. His breathing was becoming heavier as he felt his lungs contract and his eyes sting. 

Images of him and Hisoka came back to him and he was barely able to hold in the bile coming up. He threw up right here and there on the ground. 

His hands were digging in the dirt. _Get a grip Killua._

His heart was getting tighter, Gon wasn’t that naive, he probably knew there was more to it. But he couldn’t tell him could he ? It was one thing to have a shady background. But what he did last night.

—-

Biscuit and Gon were eating dinner in silence. 

It was obvious to Biscuit that Gon was stressing about Killua. He was mostly playing with his food then actually eating it, even after spending all morning training. 

Every few seconds he would look up to see if his friend was back, until a silhouette appeared on the horizon and Gon discarded his plate to stand up and wave at Killua’s figure. 

Biscuit smiled at how easily it was for Gon to go from worried to happy until she saw him frown and she turned to look at Killua. 

The boy looked paler than his natural color and dark circles were under his eyes. His stature was strong and he was showing a shy smile, but anyone with observation skills could tell that something was up. Killua was playing with his limits. But why ?

Gon didn’t move from his spot, he was taking in Killua’s form and was trying his best not to show how disturb he was by it. What could have happened last night ? Did he get a message from his family ? Did The Bomber do something ? If it was the later, they’d have gotten some news right ? 

When Killua was only meters away from him, Gon swallowed hard. « We just started eating, are you hungry ? ». 

Killua’s blurry eyes looked at the food and his hand went to his stomach « No, I ate on my way here. » He looked hesitant and was clearly avoiding eye contact. « I’m kinda tired, I’ll just go rest a bit if you don’t mind ». 

Without looking back, he walked in direction of the lake. 

Gon turned to Biscuit, unsure what to do. She was clearly seeing it too, Gon’s worries weren’t a figment of his imagination. She simply gave him a reassuring nod. 

_Be his friend. _

At the lake, Killua was sitting against a tree, his knees to his chest and his head laying on his folded arms. His breathing was so slow that Gon thought he might have already fallen asleep. 

The crack of a branch under Gon’s foot made Killua react faintly. 

Gon sat next to him, not touching him, not speaking. He was just there. For him. 

« I’m fine Gon, go finish your lunch ». 

« It’s okay, I wasn’t that hungry »

Silence fell on them. 

Killua accepted Gon’s presence, even if guilt was strangling him. With every breath he took, his broken ribs reminded him of the past events. The physical pain was nothing, Gon’s silence was more painful. Gon finding out how disgusting he really was, was more painful.

« I know you were worried, but nothing happened last night, really. I’m just tired Gon. »

Gon wasn’t good at reading lies, but he had great instinct and he knew Killua too well now. He could hear that he had two broken ribs. He could see that the blur in his eyes weren’t just explained by tiredness. It pained him to think that Killua was going out of his way to keep Gon away from him like that. 

« Killua… » He started, unsure of how his friend would react. « You don’t have to explain anything to me you know ? ». He took another pause, letting the time for the words to sink in. « but please Killua, don’t lie to me. » 

Killua heard it, the pain in Gon’s voice. He bit his lower lip, eyes watering, his face still hidden. He was controlling his breathing again so that Gon wouldn’t notice how his words hit him.

He squeezed his knees tighter. « I’m sorry Gon. » And that was all he could manage to say. 

Gon managed to smile a little. Maybe that would be a start. Gon wanted to help more than anything. But he had to accept that Killua needed time. As hard as it was, he will give that to him. Time. 

And let him know that when he will be ready. He will be right here. 

They stayed like that, two boys sitting side by side taking comfort in the others company. 

When the air around them seemed to have become lighter, Gon’s joyful spirit came back naturally. 

« Hey Killua. I did it ! I did the technique ! »

Killua turned his head still resting on his arms. « That’s great. I knew you’d be able to do it. So you have the rest of the day off ? » He was genuinely smiling now. The idea of spending some time with Gon made him feel lighter himself. 

« Gon ! How dare you let me clean up after you ? » Biscuit had just arrived, a little peeved. She had taken her time on purpose to let them have a moment, not meddling in this affair but she was still their teacher and teaching manners was part of the package.

Gon felt embarrassed « Sorry Biscuit, I’ll make it up with tonight’s dinner ! » He turned to Killua with a big grin « Feel like swimming now ? » 

« Wait ! » Biscuit interrupted them « I know you are happy with yourself Gon and you should, we are ahead of schedule. But you need to practice some more ! Just to be sure ». 

Gon looked back at Biscuit disappointed. « But Biscuit, I got it, I swear ! » 

« Gon ! Don’t toss away my professional advice like that ! You will practice this afternoon again.» She sighed and looked at the sun to have a sense of time. « But I guess you can take a short break and go have fun. I’m going to take a beauty nap with Cookie-chan ». And she left them, feeling happy with herself. 

Gon turned to Killua with a huge grin. « Well that was easy. » He was already starting to undress getting ready to dive in.

Killua just stared at him uncomfortably. He couldn’t afford to strip down in front of Gon « I don’t really feel like swimming, I’ll just stay here and enjoy the nice weather ». 

Gon smiled at him and jumped into water while Killua was now on his back looking at the clouds above. The water was cold but it was energizing and a great reward after a whole morning of non stop training. And worrying.

His eyes went to find Killua and he wondered if the reason he didn’t go swim was because of his broken ribs. Did he have other scars ? « Are you going to be okay for tomorrow’s fight ? » 

That made Killua snap out of his reverie, he lifted himself up on his elbow. He frowned at Gon as if his question was absurd. « Yeah, of course. I already prepared different outcomes for my fights, I didn’t leave anything to luck. »

That was not how Gon did things. He left everything to on-the-spot improvisation. He learned that his best ideas and techniques came to him on the battlefields. It was a rush he enjoyed and the risk, so far, paid off. He did admire Killua's intellect but he felt it would exhaust him if he had to anticipate every fight.

While Gon was swimming laps, Killua looked at his hands. Hisoka redid his bandages and he used Texture Surprise to hide most of his bruises and cuts. He clearly won’t be healed by tomorrow for the fight. But It didn’t matter. He still had an iron proof plan. He would manage.

Tomorrow was planned, it was tonight that needed to be sorted out. 

——

That evening, Killua was feeling apprehensive to meet up with Hisoka. Even thought he had managed to feel better as the day moved on, he still had a hard time explaining to himself how he had let it all happen. And he was seriously afraid to let it happen again. 

The memories of last night haunted him. He could barely compare it to anything he had experienced with Illumi. There was something about being in control that made it feel like cathartic somehow. 

But he couldn't afford letting himself slip again.  He thought of a place that wouldn’t trigger those desires, some place with lots of people and he settled on Masadora. He thought it would be a nice place to be distracted and not get any temptation. 

When he arrived at their usual meeting point, Hisoka was nowhere to be found. He waited a couple of minutes, thinking that the clown could have many reasons to be late and sat on a rock. Tapping his foot nervously. 

But then something caught his attention. A card was planted on the tree next to him. A game card and he knew exactly who it belonged too. He swallowed, his first thought was that Hisoka wouldn’t come and he felt disappointed. Then he scolded himself for not getting worried first that it might mean he went after The Bomber.

He took the card and a short message was on it : 

_I had a great share of fun last night. You deserve a night off for your upcoming match. Lets leave our last date for the real world. xxx_

Different thoughts went through Killua’s mind. First relief, he really needed to rest, he really didn’t want to babysit anymore, especially with all the conflicted feelings and hormones making him go crazy. And then, a mixture of anticipation and dread for the « real world » date. It meant that he would have to face Hisoka yet once more, without knowing when or where. 

It felt like he was in debt to Hisoka and that was never good. 

The silver lining was, he would be able to go to sleep tonight for once. And tomorrow… Gon would get his fight with The Bomber and hopefully, they’d get his cards and finish the game. What next though ? 

He decided to walk back to their hideout instead of using a card, he got used to being active at night and a little walk wouldn’t hurt. 

His thoughts went back to what would happen next. He had been so focused on winning this game and dealing with the whole Hisoka/Bomber fiasco that he never really thought of it. So far, it seemed they always had one clue of what to do for Gon’s quest. But it had been made clear now that this game wasn’t a mean to get to Ging. It was merely a way to train Gon as a hunter. An effective way he had to admit. 

Gon might have been having the same thoughts too. He probably was also trying to figure out their next step after they cleared the game. Or maybe not, Gon’s instinct were sharp but he wasn’t good at anticipating. His best ideas came when he had no choice but to face a situation. Gon probably didn’t have any clue what to do next. Which didn’t mean he wouldn’t figure something out once The Bomber was out. 

Killua sighed, at the end of the day, he was mainly there to support Gon in his journey. He was still purposeless. What if Gon decided that Killua’s presence wasn't needed anymore ? As painful as it may be, he had to be realistic enough to think it was a possibility. Gon might have a strike of genius and figure out how to get to his father from here… and Killua would become useless to him. 

Killua had to start seriously thinking of what he wanted. Being a hunter, sure. But what was he hunting exactly ? A sad smile traced on his lips. He was actually the one who was hunted… By his family and now by Hisoka too. What a shitty hunter he was. He had no personal goal yet he was still in a position where he had to run and hide.

He let some sparks fizzled in his hands and wondered if he had become strong enough to face his family. To resist Illumi's hold on him. The way his heart started to race at the idea, he figured he wasn’t. Not yet. So maybe his next step would be the same. Keep training, trying to get stronger. Continuing his path of becoming a weapon, but this time for himself, for his independence. 

If only. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it !  
Thank you for reading, commenting and kudoing !
> 
> I might take longer to update for the next chapters because we will be getting into Chimera ants arc and even thought I have some ideas already planned out, I need to work on it more so it will make more sense as a whole when I start publishing it. (that arc is long !)
> 
> Also, I'm excited to share that I have had a new fic idea in my head that has been sucking on my creative juice...  
So now I have two beasts to feed. I'll probably make a more official announcement once I have at least a few chapters done for that second fic.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back !!!  
Thank you all for your kind words and kuddos and patience !  
I didn't do half of what I wanted to do before posting, but I figured I needed to get a chapter out there.
> 
> This chapter is a little more Gon centric and has a Zoldyck personal head canon of mine. 
> 
> Enjoy !!

** Chapitre 14 - Chimera Ant- playground **

Ging was somehow always a step ahead of Gon. No matter how much the boy thought he had managed to outsmart him. He found himself yet again tricked. 

But at least, it got him to see Kite again. The very man that told him about his father, about what it is to be a hunter. The man who actually inspired him and had managed to find Ging himself. Maybe being around Kite would help him grow enough to find his flaky father. 

In the mean time, they followed Kite in his adventure of finding new species in Kakin. Both him and Killua had been enjoying that mission, very different from what they’ve been doing so far but it gave them a sense of what it could be like to actually be a hunter. 

Melting into nature and discovering intriguing animals, insects or plants, trying to understand why it was shaped like that or had that sort of patterns on its skin seemed like it was a task Killua and Gon managed with a lot of ease. To the awe to anyone who observed them. 

Gon felt a sense of peace during these days, almost feeling like he could just focus on being a hunter with Killua, almost forgetting about his initial goal. Ever since they left Greed Island, Killua’s behavior went back to normal. He wouldn’t stay up all night and come back tired or hurt. He was cheerful and blending in with Kite’s team. 

But from time to time, he noticed Killua eyes darken and he would feel that distance he hated so much on Greed Island. it wouldn’t last long, a few seconds and it would pass and Killua would be back to teasing him or suggesting something fun to do. Gon would often wonder if he wasn’t imagining things. 

Things shifted though, when the insect's leg they found had them talking about going to the south of York New. When the name was mentioned Gon felt Killua tense up next to him. Was it because of their last encounter with the Phantom Troupe ? 

That same day, Kite and the others went to find a mean to get to York New. Gon stayed in the lobby of the inn with Killua who seemed lost in thoughts.

« York New… We haven’t been there in so long… » Gon tried. 

Killua’s eyes were scanning the lobby avoiding his « Yeah… well we aren’t technically going to York New… Just the south shore of it.» He got up quickly. « We should get a move on. » His hands went inside his pocket and hejoined the group outside who were talking to a man next to a minibus. 

Gon stayed there a few seconds looking at Killua’s back walking away from him. His heart tighten a little at that imagine. 

_« If you’re willing to abandon everything else to see me, grow strong enough to clear this game » That was what Biscuit claimed Ging’s message was._ Those words came back to him in that instance. What did Ging mean by abandoning everything ? Was he asking him to leave people behind ? His friend ? Was that why the accompany card didn't work ? If he told his speculation, would Killua agree to it ? Would he also think that Gon should grow strong on his own ?

Gon didn’t clear the game on his own but it wasn’t a matter of if he could or couldn’t. He liked being with people and sharing adventures. Even if it wasn’t planed, even if it was decided that it was going to be temporary, he had enjoyed traveling with Killua. He didn’t want that to change.

But something was changing and he didn’t know what or how. 

Maybe there was some wisdom in his father’s words. Maybe he was losing focus on his goals, letting himself get distracted. Maybe he wasn't taking enough responsibilities and relaying too much on his friends.

Gon shook his head trying to shake those thoughts away and he walked outside to where Kite was giving a down payment to the bus driver.

« I’ll give you the other half once we get there » he heard Kite say just before he turned to the boys. « How soon can you be ready to leave ? » 

Gon looked at Killua who kept quiet, his eyebrows raised in a way that indicated it was his call. « We are ready to move right away».

And they quickly got their things and hopped in the mini bus.

—-

« So what are your thoughts on this creature Kite ? » Gon was curious about getting a better sense of Kite's thoughts, they had already made assumptions on what it could be and the scariest hypothesis was that it was a chimera ant, a creature who’s reproduction system could turn out to be dangerous to mankind. 

Killua had brought the point that, if it’s this big already, it could easily eat humans… and a chilling silence fell after that. 

« I don’t like to speculate too soon. There are still too many possible outcomes, we still need more information ».

« Have you ever been on a mission like that ? » Gon wasn’t good at worrying, the suggestion of threat flew above his head which earned him a smile from Killua and the others. There was no point in imagining the worst for now. That’s how Gon thought. 

« Again, it depends on the « that », we have had strange discoveries that could have been worrisome, but nothing came of them. » Kite was sitting next to the window with Gon between him and the driver while Killua was right behind them with the others. 

Kite looked down at Gon’s expecting smile and knew the kid had all the potential and more to become a great hunter, worthy of his father's fame and maybe, he could even surpass him. Gon eyes showed inexperience and innocence but it held great determination and eagerness to learn. Like his mind couldn’t comprehend problems but only saw opportunities.

« So what kind of hunter do you want to be after finding your dad ? » Kite was curious of Gon’s answer to that. But when he saw Gon’s reaction to his question, the boy looked lost.

« I never thought about it » He simply said putting a finger to his chin, trying to find a better answer. 

They heard Killua chuckle behind them and Gon turned a little annoyed at being outed again for being so clueless but he was mostly happy to hear Killua laugh again. It seemed he hadn’t heard him laugh in so long. 

Killua leaned in and folded his arms over Gon’s seat « You should know that Gon can’t think that far ahead. » He said trying to explain Gon to Kite like he would need a manual to figure him out. 

Gon pulled his tongue at him but didn’t contradict him « Well, what kind of hunter do you want to be then Killua ? »

Killua scoffed obviously looking for a quick answer but came out with nothing. « Well, I don’t know yet, but I _have_ thought about it… unlike you ! » 

« See ! » Gon smiled, proving his point 

« I don’t even know if I want to be a hunter » Killua muttered in a low voice. Regretting it the moment the words left his mouth. 

Gon turned fast at that and stood on his knees. « What ? » 

Kite was trying to get Gon to sit back properly, noticing that the driver wasn’t comfortable with Gon moving around so much. 

« But you would be so good at it ! Why would you say that ? »

Killua sat back on his seat, his cheeks flushing. « I just meant I don’t know what I want to do. I’m still figuring all of it out. You know. »  


And Gon did know. That Killua was mainly trying to get away from a life he didn’t chose, but that he was still figuring out what he really wanted to pursue. Killua had told him many times that he was just going to « enjoy the ride » for now and see where it goes. And Gon was selfishly happy that Killua still hadn’t decided what to do. Because it meant he would stay with him. 

So he sat back down to the relief of the driver and Kite and looked ahead of him. 

Silence fell and Kite knew not to break it. 

But Dinner’s voice came out « How about some music » and he had a disk to offer. 

They drove to York New listening to old folk songs, lost in their thoughts. 

—-

After searching the shores for any sight of the creature, they resolved to going back to the city to get access to some database and figure out what were their options. 

Killua was feeling restless ever since they entered the city. York New was a place that both Hisoka and Illumi went to regularly. A lot of dark businesses occurred there. A lot of Killua’s dark past happened there too. 

« NGL seems like the most logical option » came Kite low voice. They had found a café where they had rented a private room with the latest search engine on it. It wasn't uncommon for café's to offer those kind of privilege to hunters.

« NGL ? » 

« Neo-Green Life, a place where they reject any form of modern technology and anything artificial… If the creature got there… Well, we wouldn’t hear about it. » 

A look of worry was on everyone's face while listening to Kite's conclusion. There was still a chance they were overthinking it, that the creature was simply dead. But something in Killua’s guts told him otherwise. And when his eyes caught Kite’s he was certain the older man felt the same way. 

Gon was clearly sensing the serious aura coming out of Kite when he asked « When should we leave ? » 

« First thing in the morning. I’ll rent a hotel. Spin, can you make arrangement to have a car get us to NGL ? I want it at our door at dawn »

« Sure thing Kite » Spin was going back to her screen to start her search and make some calls. 

Gon obviously wanted to do something « What should we do Kite ? We can help » Killua nodded behind him. 

Kite was on his way out the door, his phone in hand and simply said « Just be ready first thing tomorrow morning, until then, prepare yourself as you wish » and he was gone. 

It was Gon’s turn to look serious now, pondering Kite’s last words to them. « We should train »

Killua smiled « Sure… where though ? It’s past 9pm and it’s Monday. Most places are probably closed by now » 

« I saw something on the way here that might do ». 

—-

« A playground ? Really Gon ? » 

Gon was grinning proudly his hand on his waist. « Yeah ! It has what we need for basic training, kids are already asleep and we are far away from houses so we won’t disturb anyone. »

Killua took a look around. Walking through the playground and looking at the different structures thinking that Gon might be on to something. Back at the Zoldyck's mansion, playground were actual training spaces in disguise. 

« I guess this will do » 

Killua was getting his turtle neck off when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out to find a message from an unknown number. A dreading feeling filled his heart and before opening it, he looked over at Gon who was already doing some chin ups on one of the bars. « 14… 15… »

He opened the message. 

_Unknown : The sun has set little boy, were will you be sleeping tonight ?_

_Killua : How did you get my number ?_

_Hisoka : A magician never reveals his tricks. I was really happy to find out you were in York New. How about we have that last date tonight ? _

Killua looked around him as if he would find Hisoka somewhere in the park. 

_Killua : Already done with Chrollo ?_

_Hisoka : If I didn’t know any better I’d think you are jealous. _

« 46… 47… 48… »

_Killua : I’m leaving York New first thing in the morning. _

_Hisoka : So tonight is the perfect time then. _

_Killua : This is the last time I’ll accept to see you. _

_Hisoka : Playing hard to get ? _

Killua didn’t give a response to that. He wanted to close the phone and leave Hisoka on read for the rest of the night but he would probably find him either way, so when his phone buzzed again he reluctantly looked at the message. 

_Hisoka : make sure our precious Gon has left before midnight strikes or else the charm might get broken for him._

Killua swallowed hard, knowing full well what Hisoka was insinuating with this last message. Midnight was in lest then 3 hours. He threw his phone over his pile of clothes and went to join Gon.

« Who were you texting ? » 

Killua grabbed the pole next to Gon « Just Milluki… He was asking about the Yoyos » 

« Oh ».

They went on to training in silence for almost an hour when Gon suddenly stoped what he was doing as if he just realized something « Actually, I don’t feel like training anymore ».

Killua stopped his push ups, maybe he could make him go back to the hotel more easily than he thought. « Already tired ? »

Gon shook his head with vigor and gave Killua a big grin. « I would much rather play ! Let’s make an obstacle course and race ? » 

He looked so eager and excited that Killua couldn’t help himself feeling the same. Gon’s enthousiasme to anything was contagious and it made Killua feel warm and… the word eluded him. He stood up and wiped his forehead from the little beads of sweat. « Suit yourself Gon, but you know I’m faster than you ! »

Gon only took out his tongue in defiance. « Prove it ! » 

And they spent the last of their time together playing and inventing silly games. 

They were now both on the ground laughing and looking up the skies. They had exhausted each other, it turned out to be just as challenging as training. 

Gon rose up and went to sit on the swings starting to rock himself and enjoying the breeze on his skin. 

Killua joined him shortly after finding comfort in this quality time with Gon. Something he was scared to loose if Gon found out who he was meeting in less than an hour. 

« Kite seems to like you » Gon broke the silence smiling to himself. He knew Killua thought little of himself and he took pleasure in reminding him how liked he could be. 

« What makes you think that ? »

« Just a feeling, he doesn’t talk much and he doesn’t force himself to be around people either. The fact that he had a full conversation with you is proof enough ». 

Killua smirked « It’s not like we were talking about our favorite sport teams, we were merely talking business… Chimera ant business. It seems pretty serious ».

Gon nodded at that. He let himself swing a little and then turned to Killua taking him in. 

Killua felt himself being self conscious « W…What ? » 

« I never asked you but, where does your white hair come from ? »

The unexpected question had Killua almost falling from his seat « Why do you want to know something like that ? » His voice was squeaky. 

« Well… Your mom and the brothers I saw all had black hair… Does your dad have white hair ? Is it from his side ? » 

Killua’s hand squeezed the ropes tighter, wondering if he should tell Gon. He didn’t want to sour the mood.

His hesitation didn’t go unnoticed by Gon who was afraid he had touched a sensitive subject and that Killua would clam up again, avoid him or worst… lie to him. « I’m sorry, if you don’t want to… »

« My dad does have white hair too… But it’s not genetic ». 

Gon was suddenly intrigued, he wanted to ask what Killua meant but knew he had to be careful not to insist. It wasn’t really his forte to be patient thought but he managed to keep his mouth shut. 

« My family is mostly from Cina and partly from Jappon. Every one has black hair in that region, all my family was born with black hair, including me. » 

That didn’t seem to clarify anything to Gon who looked confused at Killua. He was probably wondering what Killua would look like with black hair. 

Killua continued, knowing full well that Gon was now too intrigued to let it go. He looked at his feet before going further in his explanation. « Well, I guess by now you know how my training went with my family. It starts when we are babies… we get electrocuted, low voltages but still… »

It looked like Killua was remembering the pain and it stir something inside Gon. What made the Zoldyck so committed to training that they’d expose a newly born child to such torture ?

« And, it’s through that first test that they ‘determine’ who is worthy of becoming the heir… »

« How ? » Gon couldn’t help himself this time. He needed to understand. How did any of this had to do with hair color ?

« If the child hair stay black, it means the torture hasn't affected them enough… but if the hair turns white after days of torture… » His hand lifted to play with his hair as if that would make it clear to Gon. He turned to look at him. « I became the heir because when my hair turned white after days of torture, they decided I was _sensitive_ enough to be a good leader. At least that’s how they explained it to me.» Killua frowned, as if trying to make sense of it himself. « It’s a bit absurd though if you think about it, because they want me to be an obedient killing machine yet the fact that I resist it is what they consider to be important for taking on the family business ». 

Gon contemplated the concept. It did sound contradictory to what he had seen from his family. They all looked like they wanted Killua to be a docile child yet he was anything but… Then an image of Illumi crossed Gon’s mind and it suddenly, it did make sense. 

« Well, I can see why they'd think you'd make a good leader. I do believe you are special amongst your family. »

« Huh ? » 

« Your eyes are very alive Killua, I saw it the first time we met. I saw more than that really, it's obvious you have a big heart. Even if your family business is killing, I don’t think being insensitive is good for any leader. You need your senses to think clearly and to make decisions. » 

Killua blinked at Gon a few time before chuckling « I don’t think you understand what « sensitive » mean… it’s… more about _emotions_ than… _senses_ » but was it really ? Were these two things really unconnected ? 

But Gon didn’t really let that change his mind, to him Killua's sensitivity is part of what made him special. « I can’t believe they’d do that to their children though… what if one of you got seriously hurt ? » 

And here it was, the true darkness of his family. Killua opened his mouth and closed it a few time before taking in a deep breath « My mother didn’t give birth to only four children… there were two other siblings before I was born. They… didn’t survive. » Every word was said with caution as if it would help absorb their meaning.

Gon couldn’t hide the shock of this information. He felt paralyzed, incapable of forming words. How ? How was such a thing even possible ? 

Killua didn’t know if they had been other children… Maybe between Milluko and Illumi, maybe even before Illumi. He had never really stoped to think about any of this, it never really seemed to concern him. He never met any of those children himself, it never seemed real to him until he saw Gon's appalled eyes. But now he found himself wondering if this was why his mother was so overbearing ? Why she seemed so mentally unbalanced ? Did Illumi remember them too ?

« They continued to have children until I was born, but they still had Kalluto after me, I guess in case I would turn out _too_ sensitive ».

The air around Gon seemed to have disappeared. He didn’t know how to process such information. He wanted to reach out to Killua, hold him, hug him, something. 

As his hand went to touch him, Killua jumped out of the swing. « It’s getting late ». 

And Gon’s hand dropped immediately. 

Every time he learned something new about the Zoldyck it sounded like a horror story and it seemed that there was no end to how far they would go to mold Killua as they wished. He wondered if keeping Killua by his side would be enough to help him, if his friendship would ever be enough for Killua. What did he really have to offer to him? 

« You want to go back to the hotel ? »

Killua looked at his phone. 23:42.

« Actually, I might stay out here a little longer if you don’t mind. »

Gon understood the subtext. He wanted to be left alone, without him. His heart sank as it felt as a confirmation that Gon wasn’t enough to make Killua feel better. His support wasn’t needed. 

« Are you going to spend the night out again ? »

Killua turned to acknowledge Gon’s worry. He felt bad for asking Gon to leave him alone, but he did need him out of here before Hisoka came. He knew the magician loved chaos and would enjoy shattering Killua’s image to Gon. He wouldn’t risk it.

« I am » a pause. « But I know we leave early so, don’t worry. I’ll be back before then ». 

Gon nodded and picked his stuff up. He started to leave. 

« Gon… » He stopped and looked back. « I really had fun tonight »

A faint smile appeared on Gon’s lips. « Me too, be careful ». 

And the bright boy silhouette faded away in the horizon, making the darkness of the night that much more real around Killua. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are your thoughts ???  
The longer the story gets the harder it is to write to be honest.  
Not because I'm losing motivation (it does come and go, but I will finish this I swear !) but because I'm afraid it isn't flowing as easily anymore ? Like I worry A LOT about the flow of my story... Am I spending too much time on this ? Not enough on that ? Etc.  
So yeah ! Your comments helps a lot.  
And I guess if you are still here, it not that bad ! XD
> 
> Next chapter is almost done so I'll be posting in a week or so.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That chapter is long !  
So many things happens. 
> 
> I'm grateful for all the positive comments I'm getting, the kuddos and just knowing that after 14 chapters (now 15) people are still reading this !  
Thank you all !
> 
> Warning ! Sexual content in that chapter!

** Chapitre 15 - Chimera Ant part 01 - Pierrot and the moon **

Killua was sitting on the swing, waiting. Holding his phone and looking at Hisoka’s last message. He sighed, tomorrow they were leaving for NGL. A new adventure, with a possible real world threat. Gon was trilled for tomorrow and so was he. He really wanted to be far from everything, in a place that would cut them from the rest of the world. 

Long fingers grabbed his neck from behind and pulled his chin up. Over him was Hisoka face upside down, smiling as usual. 

« You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little boy to be in the park alone late at night ». 

His smile looked alienesque from that position. 

« From far away, I could have mistaken you for a real boy » 

Killua looked at him with cold eyes. He wished he could fast forward in time somehow and be tomorrow already. Far from here and from the self he hated so much. 

« Where should we go ? »

Hisoka looked around the playground. « How about we stay here… I can think of many fun things we could do here ». 

Killua heart sank at that thought. He had spent the evening training and having fun in this playground. With Gon. « No’t here ». 

« Really ? » That made Hisoka smirk devilishly. He knew exactly why Killua didn’t want to have their private time here. And that made him want to take him right here right now even more. He wanted to replace those innocent memories with their debauchery. Killua was desperate to hold on to anything that confirmed he could be a boy. And Hisoka loved to destroy those hopes for him. Loved to kill the child inside. 

Killua hasn’t been one for so long, and he wanted to keep Gon’s innocent energy by his side, to entertain the idea he could be like him. He was just as selfish as Illumi. Gon was growing up too… slowly but surely. And Killua had to give up already on this futile idea. He was marred and marked forever. And that’s what made him beautiful.

Hisoka hand gripped his throat a little tighter, letting his other hand go down to his waist like a spider crawling down his skin. Playing with the waistband of his shorts. Trying to awaken Killua to his desires. « I’m pretty sure you would enjoy what I have in mind… » 

« Not here ». Killua repeated with a little less force. He needed to go anywhere but here. 

« You are a little too used to having your way little boy ». 

« I could say the same thing to you »

Hisoka smirked. « Touché ». 

And Hisoka went in to kiss Killua’s mouth in that upside down position. He started to touch him in more insistant ways. Enjoying the little sounds coming out of him. He wouldn’t last long, he had gotten to know this body pretty well now. He knew he was starting to melt in his hands. 

« But you have enjoyed my ways a lot… »

Hisoka walked around to be in front of him. He kneeled down, putting a hand on each of Killua’s knees, spreading his legs. 

With a knowing look directed at him, he leaned his head to press a kiss on his inner thigh, getting a shudder from Killua who immediately hooked his hand in Hisoka’s hair, tilting it to have eye contact. 

Hisoka saw it. His eyes turning dark as heat spread into his body. His walls were crumbling. He went back to make his way up his thigh with a trail of wet kisses, hooking his fingers on the back of his waistband pulling teasingly at them and earning a hardly controlled whimper. 

He lifted him up lightly to pull down his shorts and boxer all the way down his legs and giving him access to Killua’s growing erection. Hisoka’s smile grew wide and his eyes shown with so much evil, he couldn’t keep his aura in check. That boy was so much entertaining.

There was hesitation in Killua’s hand still in Hisoka hair, still trying to find some form of resistance. But his grip loosened and Hisoka’s lips found his half hard cock, kissing it softly before taking him inside. Killua other hand gripped the rope like it was a lifeline and bit his hands to contain his little shriek.

Hisoka lifted Killua’s naked legs on his shoulder, using the motion of the swing to get Killua’s shaft in and out of his mouth. The young boy clearly gave up on trying to stop this from happening as he used his grip on Hisoka’s hair to trust inside his mouth harder.

It was a symphony of little whimpers, so soft and vulnerable. But this was just the beginning and Hisoka pushed Killua backward on his seat so that his fingers could get access to his tight hole. 

Killua bolted at the sudden intrusion, tightening his legs around Hisoka’s neck and cowering over him. Trying not to falter, not to loose balance on this delicate position he had found himself into. Completely at Hisoka’s mercy while all he could do was let it happen. 

The feeling intensified and Hisoka felt his own erection becoming painful in his pants, he released one of his hand to start unbuckling his belt. Killua recognized that sound and bit harder on his hand in anticipation. 

When he felt Killua shudder again, Hisoka decided it was enough foreplay. He left Killua’s erection with a pop and rose himself just enough to slide down his pants and releasing his cock.

With the hand that was still holding and entering Killua’s hole, he gripped and pulled the young boy toward him. Getting a yelp of surprise from Killua who’s back fell on the swing’s seat. Both Killua’s hands gripped the ropes to avoid falling.

« Better hold on tight on those, I won’t be gentle » Hisoka said as he took Killua’s legs to put them around his waist. 

Now Hisoka was standing up, holding Killua’s legs while his hard erection aligned to the young boy’s hole. 

There was a little fear that passed through Killua’s eyes as he felt he was put in a position of complete vulnerability. But seing Hisoka lick his lips triggered something in him and he used the force of his legs to push Hisoka’s dick into his entrance. Taking the initiative.

The surprise on Hisoka’s face was only replaced by an enticed grin as he pushed even deeper inside. « I love how eager you’ve become ». 

Once more, the swing was used to give rythme to his thrusts, building up the pleasure as they both knew they wouldn’t last long. 

The plastic seat was rubbing on Killua’s back, burning his skin but his mind was only seeking release wanting Hisoka to touch his erection because he couldn’t do so himself without falling. 

But Hisoka kept his grip on his thighs, planting his nails in them, wanting to see the boy come this way, at Hisoka’s merciless fucking. 

His thrusts were becoming more erratic and Killua felt he was getting near his release and closed his eyes. When Hisoka went even deeper, he felt him convulse around him, loosing balance. The swings ropes snapped at that moment and they fell on the ground.

But Hisoka wasn’t done yet and he fucked his way through his own release. Crushing Killua’s body under him. 

Hisoka rolled off the boy to catch his breath and watch as Killua was removing the uncomfortable swing from under him. His body was glistening with sweat and his shirt was sticking to his chest. 

Hisoka stretched his hand out to grab Killua’s arm and pull him against him to kiss him, getting a surprised noise from Killua that he swallowed. 

When he pulled out from the kiss, he noticed how much strength he had put into it as he saw Killua’s lower lip bleed. Hisoka's thumb went to rob the blood, spreading it on his lips, looking at the masterpiece in front of him. A boy with skin as white a snow, lips as red as blood and eyes as dark as the night sky. 

« I have missed you little boy ». 

Killua kept silence, unsure what to do with this creepy affection. He felt Hisoka’s hand move to caress his cheeks and heard him announce his intention « this was round one ». 

——

After their carnal night, Hisoka was now idly playing with Killua’s hair enjoying the weight of the young boy on him. Killua was quiet, not asleep but not fully awake, completely spent. The magician knew he was probably feeling his usual mixture of regret and self loathing. Maybe even sparing a thought for Gon. 

« Tell me, how is my little Gon doing ? » 

Killua stayed mute. He didn’t want to bring up Gon. Not while they were both naked, sweaty and lying lazily on a playground.

« You can’t protect him from me you know… I have my ways of getting my updates ». 

« He lost an arm ». 

Hisoka rose on his elbows at that. « What ? » 

Killua had a satisfied smile.

« Killua, what happened ? » He said with a serious look now. 

Killua contemplated the idea of lying to him, letting him go journey to find a way to attach Gon’s limb back. Maybe that would keep Hisoka away from them for a while. 

« It was during his fight against The Bomber in Greed Island. But there’s a card that heal any injury, even lost arms. But other than that, he is doing just fine. He learns fast. » 

At that, Hisoka lied back reassured « My taste for reckless preys comes with a side effect… » He looked side way at Killua, knowing full well the boy had his fun flipping Hisoka out for a moment. 

« Are you really going to fight Gon again ? »

« Of course, when he is strong enough to be my opponent. I have a lot invested in Gon already ».His hands were now softly tracing lines on Killua’s back. 

« Will you kill him ? » Killua didn’t look at him. 

« If I can, I will. That’s the fun of it. » Killua eyes darken at that. He obviously was hoping for another answer. « I also want to fight and kill you. »

The boy didn’t seem to care about that last part though. That made Hisoka smile slightly. 

« I’m guessing you’ll ripen before Gon will… And once I bring your dead body to Gon. His anger will be so great he’ll be finally ready for me to bite into. »

Killua obviously wasn’t afraid to die by Hisoka' hands in a vague future. The menace was too far away. But he hated the idea of being used as a pawn to make Gon fall. 

« What makes you think I’d accept a challenge from you ? » 

« It’s true you are not one to take risks… » Hisoka took a moment to think, enjoying the little goosebumps on Killua’s skin. « Then I guess it will have to be the other way around. I’m sure I won’t needto convince Gon to fight me again. And if I kill Gon… » His head turned to look a Killua, seeking his gaze, taunting him. 

Killua rose his head to meet him, his eyes had turned dark, menacing, aura shimmering around him. The Zoldyck blood was boiling in his vein. _Hmmm. What a delight_. He was getting hard just looking at those eyes. 

Hisoka shoved the kid on the floor with his own murderous aura. « Are you asking me for another round ? » 

He was hovering over him, ready to attack. « You know, we don’t need to think of all of this right now. We have many years of fun before those fatal days. » 

He leaned closer to him, his lips inches from his ear « You should really learn to enjoy yourself when you have the opportunity. The future is too far away. But right now… » His hands were pressing on his skin possessively « Your young and vigorous body is here, next to mine… getting aroused by the second… » 

Killua was holding his breath, looking with horror into Hisoka’s eyes. Like a distorted mirror showing him the worst part of himself. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do anymore. A second ago he was ready to slice his throat to protect Gon… but now. « Be honest with yourself little boy… Worrying so much isn’t good for you ». 

Killua voice came out low almost inexistant « I am not a little boy »

Hisoka’s smiled at those words, his hand creeping on him once more. Killua closed his eyes, letting those touches claim him. He tried fighting his body’s impulses. Did he really want this ? Lips were now kissing his neck, licking his sensitive areas. « You are very right, you aren’t a little boy are you ? A little boy wouldn’t want this. These moments of bliss… where you are finally freed from all those disillusions you entertain. Just let them go »

He was right. Killua wanted more than anything to stop struggling against everything. To feel free… He wanted his thoughts to stop… He wanted to focus on those hands and lips… He wanted this.

Hisoka gave a satisfied grin in the crook of his neck, feeling that small body underneath him finally surrendering. Once more. That moment was always an exquisite one. The one when the child would die and this orgasmic little beast would rise. For him to enjoy over and over again. 

——

Ed had been a janitor in this neighborhood for 15 years now. He took proud in his job. Knowing the streets were clean under his watch. He knew it was mostly due to the fact wealthy families lived in this area. They were never any trouble at night, teenager didn’t go to the playground to smoke cigarettes or gamble like in other neighborhoods. Most of the time, Ed only did a symbolic surveillance, to notice that everything was as clean as the day before. 

He only wished he could live here with his own daughter, she was a smart one. She had great potential and deserved to grow up in a neighborhood with the best high schools. It was for that wish that he applied for the coordinator job a few days ago and was trilled to know he had an interview later today. With that job, and with being careful with his spendings, he could manage to rent an apartment here. Probably one with just one bedroom. He would sleep in the living room. It wouldn’t matter. 

It was almost 5 am now. The early kids would be waking up soon. The ones that had parents that worked far from here. Most of them had a nanny that would bring them to the park. He would start his routine at the playground. 

But this morning, the playground looked different. The first thing he noticed was that some of the equipment was broken. It’s seemed impossible, did a storm pass during the night ? He looked closer and saw on one of the polls… blood… shaped like a hand… a small hand. 

His heart started to race, but when he took in the full picture, he realized, there was blood at other places too and on the ground. 

The trail of blood led him to a human shape. A man. Naked. Asleep. Bloody. He was about to get closer, to see if the man was still alive, but he stopped in horror. 

A kid was lying next to him, under his arm. The kid had similar bruises and cuts… and was also naked. Ed hands were shaking as he was trying to find his phone in his pocket. The phone fell on the ground, the kid opened his eyes and turned his empty gaze at him. 

« D… Don’t worry… Oh god… I’ll… I’m calling the police, everything… its going to be fine… » He was trying to be reassuring for this poor child, but he was sweating and his heart was pounding in his ears. He grabbed his phone back from the floor and as he was about to start dialing.

He saw blood appear on his screen… and all went black.

——

« HISOKA NO !! » 

Hisoka had sliced the man’s throat with one of his cards. Killua hastily put back his shorts and ran to the man who had fallen on the floor only to confirm what he was afraid of… The man was dead. 

He turned to Hisoka with anger in his eyes « Why- ? You didn’t have to kill him ! » 

Hisoka shrugged as he got up and started to dress up. « It was either him or a whole squad of policemen. I don’t think they’d believe me if I said we were brothers enjoying innocently this parc » Even though being brothers never stopped Illumi from seeking more than playtime with Killua. 

Killua was still kneeling in front of the poor man. He saw the man’s wallet in his pocket and opened it to see a photo of a young girl. Around 10 he guessed. 

« He had a family » 

« They always do ». 

« You don’t » 

Was Killua actually curious of Hisoka’s background ? « I am quite unique indeed ». 

Killua stayed silence for a couple of seconds. He didn’t have anything else to say. Nothing would bring this poor man back to life. He just couldn’t stomach the guilt he felt about it… Because of his stupid selfishness, this man died. 

« Well, that was fun. Albeit I was hoping for a better way to say farewell. » He smiled.

Killua stood at that and looked back at Hisoka with an unreadable gaze. But Hisoka wasn’t easily phased and he approached Killua, to give him a goodbye kiss. Killua let it happen, didn’t budge an inch. He even closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss. 

« Until next time ? »

And Hisoka left the boy deal with the body as he wished. He could bury him, call the police, even send the police after him, he didn’t care. By the time he would move, Hisoka would be long gone. 

He smirked as he put his hands in his pocket. « The little devil is quite good » he whispered to himself while noticing his wallet was missing one of his credit cards. If that could make the boy accept that man’s death, then why not. He could spare a part of his money to ease his relationship with Killua. 

—-

Killua took the card and drew a few hundred thousands from it, he shoved the money into an envelop and dropped it at the address he found in the man’s wallet. With a simple note that said « For Nala ». 

He sighed and left to head back to the hotel where the whole team was sleeping. 

As he was about to pass the front door, he noticed Kite smoking outside in front the hotel. 

He tried to pass unnoticed, but to no avail. Kite saw him. « Couldn’t sleep ? » 

Killua felt disgusting, it was obvious he wasn't just casually walking around. His hair were a mess, he was sweaty. He was in desperate need of a shower. How would he cover it up ? 

« Hmmm, yeah, I always have a hard time sleeping before a big mission. So I went to train some more » That sounded plausible enough. 

Kite just nodded, his eye were unreadable. He wondered if he was off the hook but felt curious and couldn’t stop himself from asking « I didn't know you smoked… Couldn’t sleep either ?». 

Kite took a long drift on his cigarette. « I don’t really smoke, I actually hate the taste, but I always find myself smoking when I feel unsettled ». 

« Is the mission that dangerous ? ». He knew the threat was serious, but wasn’t expecting someone like Kite to be stressing about it. Kite was strong, well seasoned and composed. He seemed like a hunter who had quite a share of experience. 

« Not really, at least, I dont think so… But… » and he was back to smoking, looking like he was trying to collect the thoughts that were escaping him. 

His mind seemed as foggy as the the smoke coming out of his mouth. Killua didn’t dare to rush him. « It’s just a feeling. Nothing clear. ».

Instinct. 

Hunter all had that sort of sixth sens, that guided them. It was hard to grasp because it always came in a vague form. But it was never a good idea to dismiss it. Killua knew. He had faced many dangerous situations in the past and he had learned to trust his instinct, especially when it came to danger. To a point where he’d become paranoïde and it paralyzed his actions. 

But Kite didn’t look like that feeling was freezing him. He looked like someone just accepting it and trying to understand it, to prepare for what was coming. The cigarette acting as a meditation tool. 

« I see, well, I’m off to my room. To take a shower ». And he started to move toward the hotel. 

« You know, I developped those instincts growing up on my own and surrounded by animals ». So Kite felt like sharing now. That was kind of strange, he sounded like such a quiet and reserved man. Killua stopped to look at him, deciding to be the ear he might need tonight. 

« I was a messed up kid growing up. Did some shady things to survive. My parents had thrown me in the garbage you know ? ». He sighed. « It’s hard to get rid of the feeling that it’s not your fault or to feel that you really have a choice in life. I was good at surviving actually, most of my skills I got them from that past life. And then I met Ging, and things started to change without me realizing it. » 

Killua didn’t really know where he was getting at, what did all of this had anything to do with the mission ? But he felt himself wanting to hear more, felt the story was familiar. 

« It wasn’t what Ging said or did that affected me the most, it was just having someone who simply saw me as a human. _That _made me change the way I looked at myself and my past. It took a while but I realized how unfair it all was. I slowly found the ressources to get past it, without resorting to old survival instinct. » He looked back at Killua, with a very serious look. Killua felt a sudden need to run away from the conversation. He felt somehow naked under Kite’s gaze, like he saw right through him. 

Kite looked away, taking another drift before trowing his cigarette in the ashtray and putting it off. « I’m just rambling, I guess when you face challenges that threaten your life, you start thinking of your past a little more ». 

Was that really it ? Did Kite feel his life was in danger ? Or was he saying all this stuff to him. _For him_. killua couldn’t shake away that sensation of vulnerability, his eyes started to sting. His throat felt tight. He had to swallow a couple of times before finally saying « Y-Yeah… I… I really just want to get in the shower, we leave soon so… » 

He couldn’t look at Kite anymore and started walking fast toward the hotel doors. 

« Killua » _Shit_… He closed his eyes with apprehension, he really didn’t want to talk anymore. He just stayed there, his back turned, waiting for Kite to say what he had to say. 

« You’re quite an amazing kid, it’s really impressive how capable you are »

Killua swallowed hard « yeah… well, I was trained my whole life for that so… »

« I wasn’t talking about your skills kid. I mean, it’s impressive too, but the amazing thing is how good of a friend you are to Gon after having been through all of that. That’s not an easy feat. You are more resilient than you know ». 

Killua lungs felt like no air was reaching them. He didn’t know how to respond. He couldn’t deal with those words, not now, not after what he had done. Kite was looking at his back, clearly expecting a response. But all he wanted to do was scream at him that he didn’t know what he was talking about… He wanted to just run away in the shower and scrubs himself… He… 

« I know you aren’t done with your past yet. But, keep in mind that it’s not your fault kid. »

And Killua just left, without a word, his eyes were wide, his hands were trembling, once he knew Kite couldn’t see him, he ran the stairs to his room. Gon was asleep on the bed, he knew he was making a ruckus, he usually was so quiet, but he just needed to get in the shower as fast as possible. He heard Gon wake up as he locked himself in the shower. « Killua… ? » 

He opened the faucet, hoping Gon would get the clue and not knock on the door. He threw his clothes on the floor and went to sit under the water in the tub. Let it all fall on him._ Fuck ! _Did Kite know ? Did Kite sens something was up ? What was those last words about ? He was breathing fast in panic. Trying to get his shit together. 

He dropped his head on his knees, trying to concentrate only the water dripping on him. Trying to get his breathing in control. He stayed like this for long minutes. The night had been too long. Too many things happened… Gon’s questions, Hisoka's visit, that poor man and now Kite trying to act like… like… What exactly ? 

He had been grateful for people like Wing and Biscuit who had trained them. Helped them figure out their hatsu, and guided them. But Kite wasn’t training them. He was treating them like pro hunters, but they weren’t exactly equals either. He was older, had more experience… So what was he to them ? 

To Gon, he felt something akin to family ? More than just a friend of his old man. Maybe something like a brother. _A brother_. He had plenty of those, but none of them were to him what Kite seemed to be to Gon. And what was Kite to Killua ?

It all felt unnerving. He was scared that Kite might have known more than he let on. Did he know what he had done ? That there was no child left in him to save ? Did someone with Kite’s experience could feel those things ? If Biscuit didn’t noticed, how would he ?

The water was hot and southing, he got up and took some soap and started scrubbing as hard and as long as he could. 

There was no way Kite knew what he had done. His speech was about the fact he was a Zoldyck, that he had endured their torturous training. There was no way he could know about Illumi or Hisoka. If he did, he wouldn’t be this kind, this understanding with him. He’d be disgusted because that _was_ his fault. He never chose to become an assassin, but he chose to go to Illumi and he let Hisoka have his way with him. And _did_ take pleasure in it. 

He didn’t know how long he stayed under the water. His skin was red and wrinkly from all the robing and the hot water. He heard noises on the other side of the door. Gon would be wondering what was taking him so long by now. He sighed. 

He didn’t have to worry about Kite. It was just a weird coincidence. Kite was stressed about the mission and just felt like he somehow shared a similar past with him. And that was it. 

He took a towel and wrapped it around his hips. He looked at himself in the mirror. He had many bruises and cuts, but they had been training yesterday. He could make Gon believe it was only that. His clean clothes were in his backpack in the room anyway. 

When he came out the door, he saw Gon wide awake sitting on the bed, lost in thoughts. When he heard Killua come out, his head snapped up. « Killua ! I though you fell asleep in there for a moment » He said, trying to make it sound as light as possible but clearly his voice was off. 

« Yeah, sorry about that, we haven’t had a lot of occasion to shower like that so… I guess I took advantage of it. »

Gon gave him a little smile. His eyes narrowed at his chest that was messed up. He frowned but didn’t say anything. He glared at him like that for long seconds until Killua felt the need to explain « I trained some more yesterday… You know I’m used to worst » 

Gon didn’t comment and just looked away, taking his stuff for the shower. « Kite told me to meet up at 8 for breakfast. We’ll be leaving right away, my bag is all ready, I just need to take a quick shower ». 

« Yeah, I won’t need much time to pack. I’ll wait for you to go downstair ». 

Gon nodded and went to the bathroom. Killua passed a hand on his face. Gon wasn’t trying to pretend he believed him anymore. He was really messing everything up. He had to get his shit together. But technically, he didn’t owe Hisoka anything anymore. He wouldn’t see him for a long time since they were going to NGL. He wouldn’t see his brother or family either. He just could put it all behind him now. Gon needed him still. 

—-

As Gon locked the door behind him, he noticed Killua’s abandoned clothes on the floor. They were dirty, and looked wet with some blood stain. And it smelled a mixture of sweat and something else he couldn’t identify. He wondered what kind of training he did on his own. Why he’d need to train without him in the first place ? Did he feel like Gon was holding him back ?

He sighed. They had so much fun yesterday at the playground. It was so natural. They had laughed and challenged each other. And yet, this morning, Killua was back in that strange mood that comes and go. He can’t seem to get him to talk about it. A part of him is scared that Killua doesn’t really trust him. 

Was Killua just passing time until Gon found his dad so he can really do what he wanted to do. Did Killua find a purpose but didn’t want to share it ? 

He was being silly. Killua is just more reserved than most people. He just doesn’t share his feeling and thoughts as easily. Gon himself had no filter and just blurted everything out. Usually he finds that it helps others to loosen their tongue… but not Killua. He was always there to listen, always ready to follow, but he was so hard to grasp some times. 

When they played together or trained, everything flowed easily. They would get each other and predict their every moves. They would be so in sync that anyone would think they were childhood friends. 

Killua was Gon’s best friend, a playful and loyal friend with fun ideas and a heart of gold. Yet, this morning. Killua was Killua Zoldyck. I kid that was trained to endure, to hide, to keep to himself. To fade in the shadows. 

He never liked to think about his family and what they had done to him. When he thought about what he had learned yesterday, anger stirred inside. 

But Killua wasn’t his past. 

Gon wanted Killua to enjoy their time together, dream of a bright future and move forward. With him. But he couldn’t shake that feeling of being useless to him, even worst, of being a weight he had to carry. And even Biscuit’ words back in Greed Island didn’t help him get that feeling out of his system.

Killua sometime acted like he was responsible for Gon. Was he a burden to him ? Killua was aiding him in finding his dad, but maybe he was only helping so he could discharged himself of Gon ? And move on to what he really wanted to do. 

Killua said he didn’t know if he even wanted to be a hunter. Was he really enjoying hunting magical beasts and travelling with Kite ? Or was he just bored and passing time ? Biscuit had said that Killua gets easily bored… Hisoka has said that transmuters were fickle… 

He shook his head under the water of the shower. He was psyching himself out for nothing. It couldn’t be any of that. If he wanted to leave, he would have. He had no real reason to doubt Killua. His mood had nothing to do with Gon and he promised himself he’d stay positive and focus. For both their sake. 

He left the shower to find Killua all packed and ready to go to breakfast. He had a smile on. « I read about NGL and how they travel on horses there »

« Really ? I love horses »

« haha! Yeah, I’m not surprised. I’ve actually never road a horse before ». 

« Oh it’s so fun. They are incredible creatures ! So loyal ! I’ll teach you ».

And just like that, Gon felt good again. He was clearly just letting his emotions get the better of him. Killua was Gon’s best friend. That smile, there was nothing fake about it. That kindness in his eyes, that was his true nature. The rest was just old wounds that needed time to heal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really liked writing this chapter.  
I loved showing Killua's and Hisoka toxic relationship and Kite and Killua interacting more intimately (not in THAT way). 
> 
> Did you noticed all the little nods I made towards classic fairy tales ? In the first part of the chapter ?  
I felt creative LMAO XD
> 
> So next chapter is a huge question mark for me. I need to get to a point in my story and I'm still trying to figure out how exactly I'll get there...  
So I'll be taking more time for chapter 16. 
> 
> I love getting feed back on my chapters ! So let your heart out !


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been so long !  
Well, to me at least. 
> 
> Getting closer to the end makes it harder !!!  
So you might have noticed that I've put the total number of chapters ?  
Will I be able to keep it an even 20 ?  
Who knows, I've written most of the next two chapters and bits of the last two.  
So I'm 85% sure it's going to be 20 chapters total. 
> 
> Here's chapter 16 now ! 
> 
> I've reached the 200th kudos !! THANK YOU ALL!!

** Chapitre 16 - Chimera Ant - Alone **

Kite is dead. 

It had all happened so fast. All of it. 

One moment, they were going through the ants, killing them with ease. Getting closer to their goal of destroying the queen. 

The next moment, Kite’s arm was on the floor. A creature Killua’s wildest nightmares couldn’t create was in front of them. A creature beyond what he had even thought to be possible. 

It had surprised them all. Kite included. 

But Gon didn’t flinch, Gon wanted to fight. Gon couldn’t accept the unfairness of such a powerful creature imposing its malicious aura on them. 

So Killua had to flee. But he took Gon with him. 

It had been 18 hours now since Kite died. 18 hours of Killua running and walking back to the frontier of NGL, back to safety, a knocked out Gon on his back. 18 hours of sleepless walking, with barely any pauses to drink some water. 

Never a mission had taken such a toll on Killua. Never had he been so terrified. 

The grandeur of the fear itself wasn’t the only new thing. For the first time, he had been afraid of losing someone. Of losing Gon. 

Reckless Gon, ready to dive into a losing battle.

Passing the people at the borders, Killua barely acknowledged them. He received a quick memo that help was on its way.

Killua lied down under a tree, with Gon, still asleep next to him. Even in this situation, he worried that Gon might catch a cold and puts his shirt on him. 

Kite is dead… How is Gon going to take it ? How is he ever going to forgive him for running away, for being such a coward. 

As these thoughts were digging their way into his mind, three shadows appeared over him. Netero and two other strong hunters he had never seen. This was the help. That’s who they called. But it wasn’t enough. The Zoldycks, the Hunter Associations… Nothing would be enough to get pass that creature and Killua made sure to tell them. 

« Nen battles aren’t about power little one » the large one said to him. 

He would normally agree, he knows he has a tendency of being overly prudent. He knows he could do better if he dared more. But there was no amount of confidence that could fight that thing. 

Kite was dead. 

But they didn’t ask for Kite. 

They asked about Gon. 

« I knocked him out… He wanted to fight »

« That one has potential » smirked the big guy again. Digging the knife deeper into Killua’s open wound. 

Gon does have potential. But he needs to live to get there. Why would they want him to run to his death ?

But Killua kept quiet. He had nothing to share other than what he already told them. He abandoned Kite to his death in order to save Gon. He couldn’t save both. Kite himself told them to run. He did what Kite asked… He did the last thing Gon wanted to do. 

He carried Gon's limb body in the truck without looking back at the three hunters heading for their doom. 

He carried Gon to the board where a message was left by the two assassins Netero had talked about. 

He carried Gon back to the first hotel he found that had a room available. 

And he waited.

His heart getting heavier by the minute. Part of him wanted to run more, run from Gon’s blaming eyes once they’ll open.

He did what he did to save his friend, yet now he was afraid to lose his friendship.

Now 27 hours had passed since Kite was dead. And Killua was still sleepless, still hadn’t eaten. Still had fear in his heart creeping in every part of his body. 

« Thank you Killua ». 

At first, he thought it was only a figment of his imagination. Because Gon couldn’t be saying these words. Not after what he had done. But Gon was wide awake, his eyes looking straight into his. In those 27 hours, he had forgotten how these eyes glowed when they were determined. How warm they were. 

« How can you be saying this… because of me…Kite is… »  
  
« Kite is alive ! » No doubt or fear in that cristal clear voice. « He wouldn’t let that thing kill him so easily ». He had so much confidence in Kite. In everyone really.

Killua turned away. Unable to deny Gon this hope but unable to fully accept it. Gon needed to believe that didn’t he ? He needed to believe in this to keep moving. So _he_ needed to also trust in Gon’s words. In order to keep moving. 

Gon was like light, so bright he would never be able to take him all in. 

But he didn’t have to. He only had to protect it and carry the darkness himself. The one that knew Kite was gone. The one that knew how dark the road was ahead of them. 

As he was staring at his feet, avoiding Gon’s glowing eyes, Killua wanted more than anything to believe Gon. 

Even if Killua belonged into the shadows, he would protect Gon. He vowed to follow him to the most desperate destination. 

He readied himself and finally looked at Gon « Then let's go train ». 

—-

The first step was to figure out who their opponents would be and the first thing to do was to go back to the board with the message. 

There, they met Palm. A strange and, quite frankly, disturbing woman, that gave them a better sens of what was waiting for them. They had to prove themselves worthy of the mission, worthy of the other pro hunters. 

Palm had explained to them who their opponents would be. Knuckle and Shoot. She didn’t seem convinced that the two boys in front of her had the capacity to match them and as much as he hated to admit it, Killua knew she was right. Palm herself seemed to be hiding a lot of power. An enhancer they had deduced by the way even coffee overflowed when it touched her untamed aura. 

So when she offered her help, Gon didn’t seem suspicious and even thought Killua wanted to object, they both followed. He was resolved to let Gon make the decision from now on. 

And that’s how Biscuit waltzed back into their lives. Training them even harder than they thought it was possible while she was enjoying her magazines shamelessly. 

« Both of you are clearly in over your heads, but I can’t stop you right ? So might as well prepare you as best as I can. » 

Killua had wanted to protest at that. Wondering how good of an idea was to send Gon after that creature. Would they ever be strong enough to mesure up ? Let alone in a single month. But Gon’s resolves had never been so strong and he found himself incapable of voicing any doubts. 

As it turned out, Knuckle wasn’t an easy target. But he patiently accepted each of Gon’s challenges, helping him get stronger while Killua watched on the side line. He found himself admiring Gon’s incredible focus and capacity to take a disadvantage and turn it into an asset. 

It wasn’t the first time Gon had showed such prouesse. The first time he saw just how capable Gon was, that he wasn’t just an athletic island boy, was when he fought against Hisoka. What seemed to be ages ago. Before he himself had even held a full conversation with the clown. 

Gon had made Hisoka interested in him. Interested in his hidden strength. While Hisoka sought his relief in Killua. Sought his resistance to pain and torture. 

Gon was restless to a default, while all Killua knew was to accept defeat. 

He swallowed that truth, hoping Gon wouldn’t bring it up. Hoping that he could fight Shoot when time would come, that his training had been enough and that he would win, for Gon.

After one of Gon’s matches against Knuckles, where Gon had extenuated himself and collapsed. Killua had once more carried Gon on his shoulder. How did he do it ? How did Gon's mind stayed so strong against all odds ? Killua was still stronger than Gon, at many levels, yet Gon always managed to win challenges that went beyond his capacities. 

His inner thought were confirmed when Biscuit came to see him. 

« You haven’t been fighting Killua, this is not good ». 

« I can manage Biscuit, I can train on my own. » 

« That’s not the problem Killua and you know it ! » 

He looked at her, worried she might have read through him. His lips were shut tight. 

« Your strength or ability aren’t the issue. » She took her dress off « I’m your mentor and I am telling you to fight me. » 

Killua bit his lips and scanned Biscuit. His mind went directly to analyzing all the information he had on her. The powers she had shown them, the way she thinks, the way she had fought against Binolt. All of this passing through his mind like a puzzle he needed to solve. Yet the most important pieces were missing and that made him apprehensive. 

It didn’t help that she knew everything about him and his nen abilities. He was already thinking that this was going to be a thought fight when Biscuit transformed in front of him. A shape he couldn’t have imagined in his wildest dreams. How was she able to conceal so much strength. She almost reminded him of his own father. 

His mouth dropped and his eye grew wide. This wasn’t what he was expecting.His instinct to flee rushed through every fiber of his body. 

The horror in his eyes didn’t go unnoticed by Biscuit. « Why didn’t you attack when I transformed ? That was an opening. »

He stayed mute. He didn’t because his body refused to approach her. 

« I can beat you up senseless, but what for ? I have already won » Her words were just as crushing as her form. 

But they were true.

—-

The next day, Shoot had gotten the totem.

Killua had lost. 

His upbringing had won. 

He was alive, something he was formatted to seek, yet he had never been so dead inside. For he had lost his chance to prove himself and failed Gon in the process. 

Gon who was silent the whole ride to the border to NGL. Having lost too, against Knuckle. He never said anything about Killua’s defeat. He didn’t say anything at all. 

At the frontier, they watched Knuckle and Shoot leave, waving them goodbye after Gon made them promise to bring Kite back. 

Gon had his back turned away from Killua, still scanning the horizon where Shoot and Knuckle had disappeared.

He first heard it. A sob. 

Gon didn’t turn, didn’t show him his tears. He didn’t have to, his voice was filled with sorrow. « I never - I never imagined that being weak was so painful » He hiccuped. 

It was a good thing Gon didn’t turn, because Killua couldn’t hold the tears in himself. Seeing how his best friend was hurting. Knowing exactly what it felt like to be powerless. So far he had been the only one to pay the price. Now Gon was facing the world's injustice too. And he couldn’t do anything for him. He was just as powerless. 

Biscuit’s words echoed inside him. _« If you can’t fight that flight reflexes of yours… You will eventually leave Gon to die. »_ Killua hadn’t believed that one bit. _« You might as well leave him now before having to face that situation. »_ But now it didn’t seem so wrong anymore. 

Gon wasn’t dead. But it was the first time he had failed him. The first time his limits were the cause of Gon’s pain.

He had to leave Gon now, didn’t he ? He wasn’t the friend he needed for this. If Gon was too weak. Killua was nothing but a coward. Made to obey, made to kill, made to be used. He couldn’t fight how he was molded, no matter how inspiring his friends were.

His hand formed into punches. Knowing what he had to do didn’t make it any easier. Killua would need to protect Gon for the next month until he got his nen back and then… Killua would have to go home. Go back to the only place where it seemed he belonged.

Go back to that lonely and pointless life. Illumi was right. He didn’t belong in the light.

Go back to being that dark monster he was bound to be. Hisoka was right. He was delusional to think he could ever be worthy of Gon. 

He would never be as strong as Gon was. No amount of training could do it. No amont of running away would save him. 

He was going to have to go on alone. From now on. 

—-

_ It had been months since Killua had seen Illumi last. Months since that night back at York New. His days have been a series of training and aimless wandering around Kukuro mountain. Playing with Mike which was basically trying to get any reaction from that big pile of fur that only awoke when an intruder was sensed.  _

_ That day, after having spent a whole week in confinement, sleep deprived and starved, he was fed a small meal and allowed a free afternoon in the woods.He took a nap on a tall tree to try to take a little bit of sun in this otherwise dark forest.  _

_ That week of torture had been surprisingly easy to endure, it even felt boring and when he was finally out, his sudden free time felt overwhelming, making him almost want to go back in that dark room.  _

_ After having almost slept all day, he went to the butlers manor as it seems it was the only life around these woods.  _

_ In front of their manor, he stumbled on Canary who was sharpening different weapons outside. His footstep had been perfectly silent for years now and Canary hadn’t noticed him yet. He came closer and when his shadow arrived over her work, she snapped up startled by Killua’s sudden appearance.  _

_ «Master Killua !»  _

_ Ever since his attempt to befriend her, they had been little opportunities for them to talk. Her own training had been taking most of her time and Killua's schedule had been meticulously controlled and planned. But her eyes had stayed kind whenever they fell on the young master.  _

_ « I scared you ?» He looked happy at that. _

_ She smiled « you surprised me. I haven’t been snuck on in years now. You’ve improved a lot » _

_ Killua felt a sense of pride at these words. He wanted more of them but Canary went back to her chores. And Killua wondered how it was possible to feel so alone surrounded by so many people.  _

_ « Do you think Illumi will be happy with me ?» His voice was so soft, so childlike that when Canary’s eyes found Killua’s they seemed to be some kind of pain in them. She looked at him with so much intensity that Killua felt the need to take a step backward, away from her. There was something he couldn’t bare to see in her eyes.  _

_ « I don’t have the capacity to say what would make Master Illumi happy. But I know Master Killua should be proud of himself » Her tone was neutral, yet her eyes betrayed many emotions.  _

_ Killua turned his face away to look at the Butlers manor. « Do you know if he is back ? I just came out of confinement and the house was empty ».  _

_ « I’m afraid I wasn’t given that information » Canary knew that Killua was never truly left on his own. Eyes were everywhere in this property. Canary was ordered to keep her distance from the young master, yet she was also expected to protect him.  _

_ Her instinct would scream at her that this wasn’t the right way to protect him. How was she supposed to do her job if her employers were the one hurting the young master ? _

_ « Killu, are you bothering the butlers again ? » Illumi’s voice came like a cold breeze on his back. His eyes went wide yet his heart felt lighter. Canary and Killua’s eyes were locked in one another. A strange mixture of happiness and fear in Killua’s eyes, worry in Canary’s.  _

_ Illumi was standing right behind Killua, a few meters away. Cold and dark as ever, a hint of jealousy at the sight of Killua with someone else. Someone that wasn’t his blood.  _

_ Killua broke his eye contact with Canary to turn to Illumi. A smile appeared on his face despite himself. He had missed his big brother. Missed his embrace which he went to seek but Illumi turned away from him. Walking back to their home. _

_ Canary watched powerless, her young master follow Illumi into his dark claws.  _

\---

_ Killua was confused at how little attention Illumi was giving him. He usually was all over him after many months of separation. Was Illumi angry at him ?  _

_ But he followed him inside their home, followed him in the corridors, waiting desperately to be acknowledged. When he was merely a few meters from Illumi’s room he froze. Unsure of what to do.  _

_ Illumi hadn’t turned once.  _

_ He had just arrived back home, haven’t even announced his presence to father or mother. So Killua decided to turn away, believing his brother didn’t want him around for now.  _

_ A hand grabbed his arm and he saw Illumi hovering over him. Stoic yet his other hand went under his chin and he pressed his lips on his. Killua was about to lean in his embrace to seek the comfort he needed so desperately. But Illumi was moving away from him again.  _

_ Only his hand found his and he silently dragged him inside his room. Part of Killua was afraid yet another part felt relief at not being left outside on his own.  _

_ Killua was standing up, in the middle of the room. Not knowing what to do with himself, not sure of what he wanted from Illumi. He felt incapable of forming words but all he knew was that he didn’t want to be alone.  _

_ Illumi’s was just as immobile as him, looking at his brother with those bottomless dark pools he had for eyes. But Killua did feel there was hesitation in him too. What could possibly make his older brother hesitate ? He always knew what had to be done.  _

_ « You can sit on my bed Killu, I’m going to be taking a shower now.»And he went to his own private bathroom, leaving Killua in his spot.  _

_ The young boy went to wait for his brother on his large bed. Why had he followed him in his room ? Why was he sitting on his bed ? What was he waiting for really ?  _

_ The room was dark and empty, nothing about this room could tell you who the person who lived in it was. Or if someone even lived in it.  _

_ What was he doing here ?  _

_ Killua got up, unable to stay alone with his own thoughts, he showered many times with his brother and he didn’t understand why he suddenly left him out.  _

_ When Killua opened the door, he found his brother naked in the shower stroking himself. _

_ He remembered what his brother told him the first time he saw his erection. How confused Killua had been at his brother’s private part growing so big.  _ It’s because I love you so much Killu _ .  _

_ Why did Illumi take his love to be alone in the bathroom. Without Killua.  _

_ Illumi saw Killua coming closer to him. He was leaning on the showers wall, his hand still on his hard shaft « Killu...»  _

_ Killua feared the way Illumi loved him. But he feared even more Illumi abandoning him.  _

_ « I don’t want to be alone Aniki ».  _

—-

Gon had surprisingly bounced back quickly to Killua’s relief. 

He was back training, readying himself for when Kite would come back. He didn’t want to look weak when he would.

« Let’s go train Killua ! » Was the first thing he told him once they were back in the city. Gon was leading the way to the the training center. Killua followed looking at the bright afternoon and all these people walking around. No one knew that only a few kilometers away a war was getting prepared. The blissfulness of ignorance.

Soon, some of these ants would cross the borders wouldn’t they ? And when that time come, Gon’s nenless self would be vulnerable. 

That cat like ant was beyond anything he had ever encountered, but most of the other ants they saw were manageable. Killua knew he had the strength to protect Gon from those ones. 

But that wasn’t what worried him. He was still worried of his weakness inside his head. 

Gon was pilling up the weigh on the lifting bar, pushing his limits while Killua was easily lifting three times that weigh. Not even sweating. How would lifting weigh help him fight that terrorizing voice inside his head, ordering him to run if the challenge was too great. 

If an ant appeared, stronger than himself. Would he be able to stand his ground for Gon’s sake ?

Biscuit had left the city. She did what she came to do. Now she had other things to deal with. 

Killua had called her, swallowing his pride. « I need your help Biscuit… I don’t know how to fight myself… » 

He heard her breath a sigh through the phone. « I’m sorry Killua. I know you want a quick fix for this, but there’s nothing I can do. You’ll have to figure out a way on your own. I’ve given you all that I could ». 

« Can’t we fight again ? » 

« I’m halfway to Padokea now. I can’t afford to postpone my mission again. »

Killua stayed silent. Expecting her to hang up. 

« Good luck Killua. »

The beeping sound of the line being cut was buzzing in his ears. 

Biscuit couldn’t help him, Kite was missing… Who else was left ? His mind went to his brother. That voice in his head, it always took his. He knew this was his teachings, that this was his upbringing. That this is what made his parents and Illumi proud. 

Killing was a business and fighting was a mean to an end, nothing more. Staying alive was the most important part of any mission. 

In the lockers, Killua was still looking for a solution. He took his phone out to consider his options. The need to go find Illumi was growing inside him, like every time despair took over him. He wanted Illumi to help him, but he knew it was a lost cause… Illumi would never help him lose that self-defense mechanism. No matter how much Killua would beg him to. 

He needed to push his limits and an idea crossed his mind. A dangerous one. But wasn’t that the point ? 

He opened the contact list of his phone and started typing. 

Killua : I’m at the Republic of Rokario. In Doli City. Are you near ? 

It took only a few seconds to see the 3 dots appear on his screen. 

Hisoka : Beautiful and romantic city and only 3 hours away. Miss me already ?

Killua bit his lips in frustration. His idea wasn’t clear in his head still yet he dived into it. 

Killua : I need your help with something. Could we meet ? 

It took longer this time to get an answer from Hisoka. 

Hisoka : I could be in the city tomorrow at 2pm. I’ll send you my coordinates then. 

Killua closed his phone with a sense of relief. He knew he was gambling but Hisoka was the only person he thought could help him at this point. The only person that would make himself available for him. 

He felt a buzz in his pocket. 

Another message from Hisoka : You have me very curious. ;*)

That night, he barely slept. Shifting in bed, going through all the different scenarios. He was deeply lost in his chaotic mind that he didn’t notice Gon waking up and looking at him with worry. 

The next day, Palm wanted Gon to teach her how to make a typical Whale Island recipe. It was clear it was a way for her to spend some quality time with Gon.

Normally, Killua would have objected, but it turned out to be a good opportunity for him to skip. « You shouldn’t only train Gon, you can afford an afternoon. I’ll check the surroundings for any news on the ants ». 

He knew if Gon stayed in the hotel, he would be safe, he wasn’t going to leave for that long. He had checked the news and no sign of any creature had been announced in the Republic of Rokario. 

—-

Hisoka had chosen an abandoned warehouse for a meeting point. It was an odd choice but it suited Killua's needs. 

« I figured you didn’t want anyone to see us » he said, noticing the boy looking around the place. « So ? How may I help you ? » 

Killua turned his gaze at Hisoka. He wasn't going to beat around the bushes. « I want to fight you. ». 

Hisoka smiled and then laughter echoed in the large empty space. « Really ? This is the help you need ? What makes you think that I want to fight you ? » 

He was expecting to have to convince the clown. « I’ve grown stronger, I can hold my own ». 

Hisoka didn’t seem impressed, he crossed his arms and hummed at him. « And ? » 

« If I can’t get a scratch on you… You can do what you want with me »

Another laughter, softer this time. « I know you can scratch me. Can you make it interesting is what I wonder ». 

Killua rose his aura trying to prove his worth. Trying to convince himself he could take that challenge. 

« Yes… This is a beautiful aura… How about we do what we do best ? » 

Killua’s nails turned into daggers, his position shifting into a fighting stance. 

« I could fight you for it. Make it more violent. Pushing both our limits. »

Hisoka was walking towards him. Menacingly. 

« If you want a safe word, now is the time to voice it »

Killua felt sweat rolling down his back as the distance between him and the magician shortened. But he wasn’t going to step back.

He was all in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, thanks for all the kudos and comments !  
You have no idea how much it fuels me ! 
> 
> Hopefully, the next chapters will only have one week between each. 
> 
> Take care !!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! 
> 
> Been efficient lately, and been writing a lot !  
So hope you will like this chapter... 
> 
> It has sexual content and it's kinda gore... But isn't as explicit as previous chapters ?  
I don't know how to do my warning here.
> 
> Enjoy !!

**Chapitre 17 - Chimera Ant - Eros X Thanatos**

It had been a while since he last called her. Ever since he left the Phantom troupe actually, they barely talked. Only when he offered a plan to exorcize Chrollo had they communicated again. 

Now Chrollo was back and Hisoka was on the search. 

She wasn’t worried for Chrollo really. The boss knew what he was doing. But she did feel a sens of gratitude towards the clown. 

So when he called her for a favor. She hung up on him immediately. But was there the next morning to the place he had texted her. 

« I’m glad you could make it. » 

« It’s 1 million Jennies for the short notice, we’ll see for the rest ». Machi simply told him while looking at what she was brought here to fix. 

In the bed in front of her, lied the Zoldyck boy, Kalluto’s brother. 

« Why do you want me to stitch back a corpse ? » She said annoyed. 

Hisoka eyes narrowed at her, surprisingly serious. « Don’t insult him. He isn’t dead ». 

She went to take a closer look. Indeed he wasn’t. A thin layer of aura was around him, a little ticker around his primal organes. His chest moved faintly up and down. 

An arm was detached, blood having been stop with bungee gum bandaids. 

The boy wasn't dead. But he was barely alive.

Only his face seemed untouched and unscarred. Hisoka liked his toys pretty. 

She always said she didn’t care much for the boy, but she wasn’t sure how to feel seeing the Zoldyck heir in such a state. The boy was trained to endure, but even so, it felt unfair he had to go through this. Was that what Hisoka wanted to do to Chrollo ? 

No. He wanted to kill Chrollo. He wouldn’t try to save him. Though he wanted to save this boy for some reason. 

She prepared her nen and without looking up at Hisoka she asked. 

« Is he the one responsible for your state ? » 

Hisoka smiled with satisfaction « He sure is »

… 

When Killua woke up, the first thing that came to him was the smell of antiseptic. His vision was blurry and the neon lights made his eyes squint painfully. All the shapes around him were blending in one another. The buzzing sound of the lights faded to give ways to chatter coming from afar. And a beeping machine noise.

Under him, a soft mattress. He felt something making his left arm uncomfortable. Something poking it. While he was trying to feel the state of his body, he noticed that he couldn’t feel his right arm. In a panic he sat up, wincing at the pain in his shoulder and hips.

His arm was there, but it was numb and almost foreign. 

Memories flooded back, to the last thing he remember. 

_His back was lying on a pool of his own hot blood. Hisoka above him, trusting in him violently, yet he did hit his sensitive spot and as wrong as it all was, if felt good. Euphoric almost. _

_He could barely moan, his throat still had the ghost of those long fingers on it. He couldn’t move his body, a metal pole had him empaled by the shoulder. He was completely powerless and at the mercy of this deranged man. And it felt so good to loose all control. _

_The only thought he had was how he wished his hand could reach his own erection. _

_« Want to touch yourself ? » He saw the blood before feeling the pain. The evil genie was granting him his wish. _

_His last memory. The image of Hisoka hovering over him. Golden eyes glowing in the dark. Hair pulled back with sticky blood. Shadows on his face turning him into the devil he truly was. Fucking him while holding his detached hand. A hand that was put with mercy on his cock to provide some final relief. _

_His last feeling, blinding jolting spasms of pleasure. His mind shutting down. _

_The last words he heard « Don’t die before I come ». _

Killua’s whole body froze in shock at those memories. His breath barely made his chest move. His mind was wondering if any of these memories really belonged to him. Hoping they had been implanted. 

With the little strength he found, he lifted his left hand to his throat feeling the bruises under his fingers. No amount of showers or vomiting will clean him this time. No amount of lies could make him believe he could be anything but a deranged sociopath. 

For the first time, hate wasn’t what overtook him. Fear did. How far could he fall still ?

« You do recover fast » 

That voice, even with his ears still pounding he recognized it. 

He felt a weight on the mattress next to his legs and his skin crawled. he couldn’t stand the man’s presence at the moment and brought his legs closer to him. Still avoiding his eyes. 

Hisoka crossed his legs and leaned back on his swollen arm. « There’s food and water next to you. » He pointed to the table next to the bed.

Killua eyes followed the direction of his finger and lingered on the food. With the state of his stomach, that option only made him want to throw up. « How long have I been… ? » 

« Almost 41 hours. »

He only nodded. Now that his awareness was back, he took in the state of his body, focusing on the physical. His shoulder was in pain, his throat still hurt, he was pretty sure his legs had been broken but they had been healed somehow. Moving in general was still painful but it was manageable. Even his right hand was slowly gaining back its senses. 

« I had a friend stitch you up. You were a goner otherwise. Didn’t think you’d want to go this far… »

Killua seethed at these words and his head snapped up. « Me ? I wanted to fight. _You_ turned this into another sick game. »

Hisoka pretended to dust something on his knee. « You agreed to my terms. I wanted to have fun. _You_ wanted to prove something. » He paused taking in the moment. He was very serious and Killua couldn’t really read him. « Did you ? » 

_Did he ?_ Did he prove to himself he could challenge death itself ? That he could surpass his own limits. He _had_ almost died. But he also had given up fighting along the way. Surrendering to Hisoka.

That was a lie thought.

He didn't surrender, he sought it. That untamable demon inside him. That insatiable desire. Killua had stoped fighting once he knew that he actually didn’t want to fight to death… He changed the game and let himself be caught by Hisoka, wanting to feel him. There was no point to ask why. He just needed that connection. Needed to feel alive. 

Memories of himself, wrapping his body around Hisoka's. Letting his guards down to get closer. Turning the rage into lust. Death into Life. 

The silence gave Hisoka his answer. 

Killua’s head fell on his knees, his hand gripping them. He had lost his words after almost losing his life and his mind. He stayed like that, mind empty, only listening to the beeping sound of the machine. And for a reason he couldn’t comprehend, Hisoka didn’t move. 

He had already accepted that he was going to head home by the end of the 30 days. It all felt like a step backward, like a defeat. He wanted to change his life so desperately and failed at it. Yet something did change. 

He didn’t want to be a toy anymore. He also wanted to play now. 

He was turning into what he had always feared to be, no matter how hard he fought it, every time, he had fallen deeper and deeper. His destiny was like quicksand, the more he fought the more it engulfed him. 

And now he was tired. His surrendering to Hisoka was proof enough. 

After what felt like eternity he dared to ask « Why are you still here ? I’m alive. I’ll be good as new in a few days ». 

Hisoka hummed. His leg started swaying. « I wouldn’t say _new_ ». 

The machine exploded next to him. Killua had short-circuited it. « Don’t mock me ! » He growled. 

A little smile appeared on his lips. « I’m not. » He raised a finger to point at his forehead. « Your body will heal completely, but something changed in here hasn’t it ? » 

He felt a little piercing pain, like the beginning of a headache. 

« Have you finally understood that this is your true nature ? » 

Killua hated those words. It was one thing for him to recognize how twisted he was becoming himself, but he wasn’t ready yet to hear it from Hisoka. 

Hisoka’s hand then went to cup his cheek, his thumb caressing him gently. His eyes were looking right through him. Normally he’d want to shove his hand away or step back from such gesture. But he didn’t. 

Anyone that would look at them now would think these two cared for one another. But Killua wasn’t gullible anymore. This wasn’t love. Love wasn’t something either of them were really capable of. Hisoka had lost his humanity and sanity years ago. Killua was slowly but surely drifting in his direction. 

It wasn’t love in their eyes. It was recognition. They were the same specie that spoke the same language. A carnal and violent one. 

Hisoka leaned in and kissed his little toy. He didn’t find any resistance or hesitation. Killua’s hand reached for the back of his neck and pulled him toward him. Lying back on the hospital bed. 

Hisoka was pinning him down, pressing where his still very sensitive scars were to hear those pained noise he loved so much. He had thought that the day Killua would stop resisting would be the day he would lose interest in him. But he had been wrong. 

The more he tasted the boy, the more hungry he would get. The more corrupted Killua would get, the more creative his sexuality became. His hands went to feel his muscles and recent marks. He crawled on the bed to get full access of him straddling him. 

A buzzing sound echoed in the room. 

And the spell was broken. 

Killua pushed Hisoka away and turned to find his phone ringing next to him on the table.

Gon’s name appeared on the screen. 

_ Gon.  _

His head was spiraling back to everything that had happened before. The ants, Kite’s death, Gon’s tears, Biscuit’s words… And his own vow to protect Gon until he got his nen back. 

He took the phone and looked at the screen. Unable to answer. He didn’t know what he would be able to tell Gon. He had been gone for 41 hours now. And he noticed 8 missed calls and 14 unread messages. All from Gon. 

He put the phone back on the table next to him. 

Hisoka took it. Killua didn't have the time to protest when he heard the magician’s sultry words « Hello sweet Gon » 

His heart plummeted to the deepest level of his soul. He wanted to kick Hisoka out of his bed, scream at him, but he couldn’t. Not with Gon was on the other line. 

« I’m flattered you remembered my voice. » 

Killua wanted to reach and take his phone back, but he had nothing that could explain why Hisoka was with him. Answering his phone. 

« He’s at the hospital. » He heard Gon voice get louder. « Don't worry, he is a Zoldyck after all. He has endured worst » His eyes turned knowingly at Killua. 

« Well… we fought of course. » 

Hisoka got up and was moving away from Killua to take in the view from the window. It was only then that Killua noticed Hisoka own state. His left arm and shoulder were swollen, like it had been dislocated and roughly put back together. There were deep scars all over his neck and skin that indicated that his back was probably a mess of skin and wounds. The side of his face… looked burnt to 3rd degree. 

Hisoka had changed clothes and he knew that what he saw was only a portion of what Killua had done to him. 

His eyes then drifted to the room, realizing that the hospital he was in wasn’t really one at all. All the machinerie around him seemed recent, but the walls, the surroundings, it all looked old and neglected. 

That explained why no nurse had come to see him. Why it was so silent around them. Hisoka had took him to a hide out. 

His phone appeared in his view. Hisoka had finished his call « Our precious Gon is on his way. If you want to shower, I’m guessing he’ll be here in about 15 minutes. » 

Killua panicked at the thought of Gon seeing him like this, with Hisoka's smell all over him. 

He moved the cover away from him to see all the bandages that were used to stop his bleeding. He got out of bed a bit too quickly and almost fell but caught himself immediately. His pride had stopped him from falling under Hisoka’s scrutinizing stare.

His steps were still shaky but he found the door to the bathroom. 

« I don’t think there’s hot water here… But you will find soap. I bought grapefruit fragrance. » he seemed proud of himself. Deciding what would Killua smell like. 

Killua hated grapefruit. 

—-

Gon hung up. 

The relief of having found Killua barely lasted a second as he dreaded the idea that he was with Hisoka. His mind raced to figure out what had happened for Killua to end up in the hands of Hisoka.

Hisoka had at least reassured him that Killua was alive, but why hadn’t he answered himself ? Did Hisoka lie ? Is Killua more hurt than he said ? As much as he distrusted Hisoka. He wasn’t a liar. 

He left his hotel room, leaving a hasty note on the table for Palm and was heading to the deserted area of Doli city. 

Once in front of the building, his feet guided him to Killua even without being able to sense his aura. His instinct had taken over. 

As he opened the door to where he knew Killua was. He took in the sight in from of him. Hisoka, siting by the window. Killua, on his feet drying his hair with a towel. 

« Killua ! » Gon bolted to his friend in a second. 

But Killua ignored the worry in his voice « Gon, are you alright ? Did the ants reach the city ? »

During his shower, Killua had been dreading that the situation might have changed during his absence. He got a glimpse of the news before Gon arrived, but he still needed to make sure. 

Gon shook his head frantically « No sign of them. Are _you_ okay ? I was worried sick ! » He was looking at Killua’s bruised body with a heavy heart. His eyes darted at Hisoka with anger who simply shrugged without a care. 

Noticing Gon’s anger building up Killua unconsciously shifted his body to be in the middle of them. « I’m fine Gon, it was a- fair fight. »

Hisoka got up at that. « Well, this reunion is sweet and all, but I got what I wanted, I’m off. »

When the magician passed them, Killua’s body tensed, afraid he would kiss him in front of Gon or make a suggestive farewell. 

But nothing happened, he was out the door. Killua sighed in relief until he saw Gon follow him. « Gon ? » 

But Gon's anger was too raw to care about Killua’s protest. 

Killua still got up to try to stop him and Gon’s eyes darted at him « Stay here Killua. » 

There was no place for discussion in his tone. Killua sat on his bed thinking he had deserved such anger. 

—-

Hisoka was now outside with Gon right behind him. 

His eyes had pure rage in them, yet Hisoka couldn’t seem to feel his aura. He noticed a strange creature over his shoulder. 

But that sight was still a pretty one. An angry Gon was always entertaining. 

Hisoka did wonder if his fruit was maturing too quickly. Was he loosing a little of that sweet innocent taste ? 

« You seem like you have something to say. » He finally decided to open the conversation. 

« Stay away from Killua. » A warning or a threat ? Hisoka wasn’t sure but it made him exited.

« It may surprise you, but Killua is the one who asked me to come here ». 

Gon remained silence at that new information. He didn’t know what to think of it. His guard fell « why ? » 

Hisoka shrugged « To challenge me ? Why are you asking me this ? Killua’s the one who could answer that better than me ». 

Gon looked a little sad and lost. His anger being stifled as he lost the confidence that brought him to confront Hisoka. It only lasted a few seconds though as his gaze went up to Hisoka and his anger was flashing again in his eyes. 

« Still, I don’t want you hurting him ever again. If you feel like fighting someone, come to me. »

Hisoka smiled at that, he knew what this was about. Sure Gon wanted to fight Hisoka, but this was also Gon trying to use himself as a shield to protect his friend. These two were so precious. Yet so oblivious to so many things. 

« My sweet Gon, I’m afraid I do not have the power to hurt Killua ». He paused and made sure Gon heard him well as he added « _You_ are the only one who can still hurt this boy ». 

Gon looked startled at those words. It seemed to him like Hisoka had lost his grasp on reality for a brief second. That didn’t make any sens. 

« What are you talking about… ? I would never… »

« Intentions and actions are two different things sweet Gon. But I’m just a crazy magician. What do I know about little boys and friendship ? ». 

And with those words, Hisoka left. Leaving Gon to process them. Confused. 

Hisoka was clearly out of his mind. Why was he suggesting he would ever hurt Killua ? Killua was laying in a hospital bed because of him not Gon. Why was he trying to switch the roles here ? 

But those words were haunting him, creeping their way into that vulnerable side of him. That side that couldn’t understand why Killua kept so many secrets. The side that was afraid not to be good enough for him. 

Gon couldn’t really save Killua, Gon still had to become stronger to save Kite. He needed so much more power in order to protect anyone he cared about. 

Did Killua think he was too weak to ask for help ? Did Killua blame Gon for what was happening ?

He knew he forced Killua into situations he didn’t want sometimes. And Killua did end up hurt… Was Killua second guessing their friendship ? Did he feel he needed to stay just because Gon was too weak ? He thought about his hands in Greed Island… How restless Killua had become after that event. 

He remembered that after his fight with Shoot, Killua looked shaken. In a way that reminded him of what Kurapika and Leorio had described during the hunter exam, after his confrontation with Illumi. 

He wasn’t there for Killua back then. He hadn't been there for Killua now either. He had lost to Knuckle himself. It somehow always went back to him not being strong enough. He wasn’t strong enough to save Kite… He was still too weak to be of real help for Killua. 

Frustration was building up and he pushed it away. Hisoka was messing with him. He mustn’t forget that. He couldn’t let his words affect him like that. Killua _was_ his friend. He would never abandon him. He had his back just like Killua had his. 

With his conviction found, he went back to find Killua on his bed. 

He was gazing at the window. Obviously tired. He looked so vulnerable. It was the first time he saw Killua like that. Like his walls were lower than usual. But then Killua noticed him, and he was back to his strong confident self. 

« Hey Gon. Look, I’m sorry, I know I messed up there with Hisoka. It was stupid… I just… I guess I was angry at myself for not winning against Shoot, you know ? »

« Yeah I know… I have done things just as stupid ». But that didn’t make him feel good saying it out loud. Killua didn’t do _stupid_…It felt weird and off. He didn’t like that one bit. « Killua… » 

Gon made sure Killua would give him his full attention.

« I don’t want you doing that again. » 

Killua paused confused. He knew he had been stupid and he wasn’t planning on remaking the same mistake, but something about Gon’s tone unnerved him. « Do what ? » 

« Risk your life like that. I told you before. I do the stupid stuff, you calm me down ». Gon had his determined look on, the one that said there was no place for argument. Nothing would change his mind. 

Killua swallowed hard. The first time Gon had told him that, he felt it was a bit selfish of him, but he also felt Gon’s care for him. It did make him feel good somehow. Now though, now it hurt and he couldn’t say why. 

A little anger flashed in his eyes. He felt like saying so to Gon, but knew he wouldn’t budge. He never did. 

« Whatever Gon. I already said I recognized it was stupid. Don’t patronize me. » He said with clear irritation in his voice. He went to find his clean clothes and didn’t bother to cover his marks as he undressed. Didn’t care if Gon saw them and felt bad for him.

Gon didn't feel bad but he hated the sight of those injuries. He hated that Killua had kept those secrets and wanted to get to the bottom of it.

« Why did you call Hisoka ? » He needed to have an answer. 

Killua avoided his eyes, feeling snappy himself. He didn’t like how Gon was acting but he did feel guilty for lying and hiding things from him. 

The truth was that he was afraid of Gon’s reaction. He was afraid Gon would see how irredeemable he truly was. He didn’t want Gon to change the way he looked at him. 

Yet, it was too late. Gon was changing. He did look at him differently. 

« Well, something did happen in Greed Island… » A half true might be a first step, Killua thought. 

Gon kept his lips shut. Waiting for more. Greed Island was were it had been mostly apparent that something was up with Killua. He had decided it was better to drop the subject and not to pester Killua about it. But now he wanted… No, he _needed_ to know. 

« I met Hisoka a couple of times actually back on Greed Island, when you were training… Hmmm…» He was playing with the hem of his shirt. « You see, I should have told you before, but well Hisoka was after Chrollo. And he had found a nen exorciste who needed to deactivate his bomb… Hisoka was going to get The Bomber so I bargained with him to wait - » 

Gon was focused on every word. Trying to figure out if they were coated with lies. 

« - And he asked for favors… Basically, he was bored waiting for Chrollo so I kinda - Babysat him in a way ».

Silence.

Gon wasn't reacting which was unsettling for Killua. There were many holes in his story, and he was worried Gon would ask for them. He really didn’t want to lie. He wished that part of the truth would be enough for Gon.

« I guess it makes sense » Gon finally said. « Did you… tell Kurapika about it ? » 

« Hmm, yeah, but he said he always knew it was a possibility and that if Chrollo regained his nen, he’d know immediately. » 

Gon nodded. « and… » He started, because he wanted to know so much more. _What did you do with Hisoka ?_ The question was burning his lips, but he was afraid of the answer especially when he saw Killua’s eyes betraying worry. 

« And why didn’t you tell me sooner ? It doesn’t seem like a big deal. » _You keep hiding things Killua. Like you don’t trust me. Is it because I’m not strong enough ? Am I really just a burden for you ?_

Killua looked down at his feet. Disappointing Gon over and over made him hurt inside, more than any of these marks on him « I don’t know » _Because I don’t want you looking at me like that_. « I’m sorry Gon ». _I’m sorry I’m such a mess. _

He heard the raw honesty in his words and Gon decided it didn’t matter anymore « Don’t be. You just wanted to help me fight The Bomber. I should be thanking you instead ». He was now smiling genuinely. 

_Thanking me… We are friends Gon… Shouldn’t it be normal for me to help you ?_ _You've done so much for me._ « You’re welcome. » He said slowly. Almost formally. 

« Just, tell me you won’t see Hisoka again. Promise me you’re done. »

_Was he done ?_ He knew he shouldn’t talk to Hisoka again. But this was his decision to make, not Gon’s. Annoyance was flooding back inside.

« Gon… I’m sorry for what I did… For worrying you. But I fought Hisoka because _I_ wanted to. You did the same. It was stupide and I’m done talking about this. »

They needed to change the mood or else… He might snap. He started to gather the rest of his stuff. If Gon saw his anger, he didn’t say anything about it. He simply helped Killua with his things so they could get moving. « You should still rest though Killua ». 

Killua scoffed « I don’t need it. This is nothing. We can go ». And with that he was already heading to the door with Gon right behind him. 

They walked silently back to their head quarter. Killua was still trying to get rid of the nagging feeling inside of him. To brush it off. While Gon seemed to be much lighter, satisfied with getting his point across. 

« I’m having my date with Palm tomorrow » He said matter of factly. 

That took Killua’s full attention « What ? » He had forgotten all about that agreement. 

« I had to tell her we needed to postpone it until I found you. But once I received Hisoka’s call this morning… Well, I should keep my word now. So I’m sorry if tomorrow we won’t be able to hang out ». 

« Oh… Yeah that’s fine. I’ll stay put then ». As if. Amongst the things that was getting to him was the fact that he left Gon for almost 2 days now. he was glad nothing happened to Gon, but he won’t let him go off the woods, of all places, with an unstable Palm. 

He did take the time to read the news when he was sitting in the hospital bed. He knew nothing big happened near their area, but it didn’t mean nothing would. 

So tomorrow, he will put to use his tracking skills and make sure Gon would be safe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I pulled a Togashi and didn't show you the fight ! HA !
> 
> Let me know what you thought !  
Thanks for reading, kudoing and commenting ! I'm forever grateful to everyone who gave this story a chance !


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited for this chapter !  
With no further ado, please enjoy. 
> 
> Warning : sexual content.

** Chapter 18 - Chimera ants - Shifting **

Gon had spent most of the day preparing for his date with Palm with Killua following him around. He had seen that ants started surfacing in cities not too far from here and Killua’s senses were on full alert. 

His mind did wonder about things that had been said during the day. He had been surprised to find out Gon had dated before, or even knew what a date was to be honest. At first he had been afraid that Gon might have gone through some unsolicited attention from older women. To Killua’s relief, it turned out to be all very innocent.

Though it was an experience Killua never had. Dating. Unless he took into account his outings with Hisoka. Who had used that word more than once. 

But when he saw how thoughtful Gon was being for Palm. He knew he never had _that_ experience. 

« Why are you putting so much effort for this date ? » The question came out of him before he could stop himself. 

Gon who was picking up a plant looked up at him. « What do you mean ? » 

« I mean, you barely know her. She’d be happy if you just took her to a movie and a restaurant. And she’s weird ».He added for good mesure. 

Gon laughed. « She’s passionate. » He looked at the plant, smelled it to make sure it was the right one. « And why not make it a good experience for her ? Especially since there likely won't be any other dates ». 

Killua first thought he meant that he recognized the age difference and that this was more about keeping his words than anything else. But something in Gon’s lingering stare on the plant made him think there might be more to the statement. 

« What do you mean ? » 

« Hmmm. Just that, there’s a lot ahead of us. Isn’t there ? » He answered simply. 

« I suppose ». 

And they continued to wonder around in the woods. Without a word. 

—-

That very afternoon, Killua had been surprised to see that Palm cleaned up very well. Even Gon sharps senses didn’t recognize her at first. 

He had followed them during that whole date, all 5 different destinations Gon had in store for her. Gon was more suave than he'd expected… And he was now feeling like a creepy stalker. 

But it wasn’t paranoia, the ants have been getting closer. And there were still a few days left before Gon regained his nen. 

As they went deeper into the woods, in front of a majestic tree. Killua was alerted by a presence filled with rancor and hate towards humans. 

It somehow felt familiar but before confronting it, he made sure to lure it as far as possible from Gon and Palm. Running deep in the forest, the creature in tow. 

« Well well, we meet again ». 

When Killua turned to look at the ant, he immediately recognized it. It wasn’t a strong ant back then, but now… It was filled with an immense aura. Something so animalistic that he felt himself glued in place.

_No… Not now. _He thought as panic grew inside.

What was the point of protecting Gon if he couldn’t move in front of the threat. 

The creature didn’t care for his existential crisis and went to strike him. Sending Killua flying away. His bruises weren’t completely healed and the pain was blinding. 

But the worst pain was that headache. Piercing his brain. A single order driving him mad as all his fighting skills were shut down one by one and all his energy was being focused on one single task. Escaping. 

He swallowed hard taking a few more blows as both his body and mind were being beaten up into pulp. 

Running away wasn’t an option, but dying wasn’t one either. Both scenarios would have Gon die.

« Run » came Illumi’s voice pouncing inside his head like a mantra meant somehow to protect him. 

As every part of him was hurting to almost a numbing point, that piercing sensation inside his brain was still clear. Almost palpable. 

_ Almost palpable.  _

The rabbit creature was now ready to end him. In a delirious attempt to get rid of his pain, he jammed his sharp fingers inside his forehead. Finding a foreign object and pulled it out. 

In an instant, all his senses reactivated and he was able to disappear from his opponent sight. Relinquishing in the confusion he saw in him. 

His murderous aura was oozing out of him and he needed and outlet. Freezing the rabbit that would be his first victim.

Rammot barely had the time to voice out a single word before his head was taken off. 

Killua squished it without a second thought. Blue blood filled the night. 

That needle, curtesy of Illumi, was all he could think about. A meaningless ant wasn’t worth his time or anger. He had someone else on his mind.

_Illumi._

He was about to leave right away but he stoped himself. He had to make things right first. He went to where Gon and Palm had been. Only to find them gone. 

He returned to their hotel to find Gon writing apologies for Palm. 

That scene would have been funny was he not too angry to give it a second thought. 

« Palm »

The woman was ready to fight Killua, her own untamed killing aura going all over the place « You- You won’t take him from me! » She screamed pointing her knife at him. 

Gon was looking at him from behind her withapologetic eyes before noticing Killua’s face. Serious, murderous and _bloodied_. He immediately stood up with worry. 

« Palm, I need you to look after Gon until I come back. » 

Palm shut her mouth at that, clearly not expecting such a strange demand. Her crazy aura seemed to subdue. 

« Ants are in the surroundings. You should be strong enough to deal with them. » 

Gon took a few steps towards Killua « Killua, where are you going ? Is this about- »

But Killua didn’t let him finish off his sentence. « Gon. You stay put. Knuckles and Shoot will be back soon so keep yourself focused on that. » It wasn’t a suggestion. It was an order. 

He grabbed a few things that he quickly jammed into his backpack. « I have something to deal with and it doesn’t concern you. » 

Gon stayed voiceless, watching Killua uncharacteristic self walk out of their room. 

Palm had the presence of mind to keep silent during that little exchange. But she would keep her word and watch over Gon until Killua came back. 

—-

Illumi was writing a rapport to leave his father before his next mission. He had just killed the royal family of a small country. The assassination had been mandated by a group of rebels that were now struggling to maintain a leader. That country was probably heading for years of chaos… Maybe they’d get new assignments to clean that mess up. If they somehow managed to find the money to pay them. 

He heard a metallic noise next to him.

« Your Zetsu was impeccable until you dropped that pin ». 

« Look at it ». 

He did. It was one of his needles. He looked up to see Killua at his windows. His eyes flashing with electric rage.

He had seldom seen Killua this angry. Annoyed yes. Scared many times. But not enraged. His aura was murderous and it was all directed at Illumi. Intentions were clear.

« So you took out the needle in your head » He got up unceremoniously and turned himself to face Killua. 

Killua stepped down from the window, statics energy all around « How could you do this- You - » 

His breath have been taken aways from him as he felt shooting pain in his foot. His eyes darted down where he found Illumi’s needle, pining his foot into the floor.

« What _the fuck_ Illumi ?! Take this pin off right now, I’m not messing around here Illumi ! »

« Neither am I. » His voice was cold barely audible. He took a step forward. « Father let you wander around freely as long as you had that needle to protect you. Now that the heir is in danger, you are no longer allowed to leave the premise of the house. It's code 5 ». His face was emotionless. He knew that face too well. It wasn’t the Illumi that desired him. It was the one that obeyed. The Illumi that put duty above all else.

But that only added oil in the fire building inside Killua « What !? What **the fuck** are you talking about Illumi ! » Illumi’s words had opened the gate of years of bottle up anger « I DON’T WANT TO BE THE HEIR ! Take that stupid job, you love killing and controlling everything ! »

He wasn’t going to let that change anything… Distract him from the real reason he was filled with so much anger against his eldest brother. The words were running through his mind in a mess of curses and disturbing realization. 

Never had he felt his emotions take over his mind like this. He was heavily panting by now, chocking on his own breath.

« You- You planted a pin in me Illumi !! You controlled me ! You made me doubt myself, you made me- You … »

And what drove him mad the most was now building up, chocking him.

Betrayal.

His eyes were filling with tears. He bit his lips trying to hold himself, feeling a taste of iron fill his mouth. « Did you-did you use that pin to- Is that how you made me let you- » Was it because of the needle he let it all happen ? Had he not have that needle… Would he have been able to resist Illumi ? Would he have been able to be normal today ?

And he couldn’t hold it in anymore. The tears fell down his cheeks. All he managed to do was press the heal of his palm on his eyes, desperately trying to hide his vulnerability. His fingers dug themselves in his scalp trying to hold back a sob. 

A heavy silence fell on them. 

Until Illumi broke it. 

« I didn’t. » 

Another moment passed.

« The needle had the sole purpose to prevent you from getting yourself in danger. We couldn’t let anything happen to you ».

Something snapped inside Killua when those words registered. He looked up, locking his teary eyes on Illumi’s. Anger growling back with a revenge like a hungry monster having been famished for too long.

« You- **You** made **EVERYTHING** happen to me ! Do you think anyone can hurt me more than you did ?! » Now his aura was rising, loose and wild shattering things around him. « All that I hate about myself, it was _you_ ! You and this fucked up family ! »

Illumi was looking at him, not reacting neither to his tears, anger, nor aura. He hated that he was so unfazed while he was barely able to control himself.

He wanted to hurt Illumi. To hurt him just as much as he was hurting right now. « I HATE YOU ! I HATE THAT YOU MADE ME THE WAY I AM ! I HATE THAT I LET YOU ! I HATE THIS FAMILY ! THIS HOUSE ! THIS BUSINESS ! I HATED EVERYTHING ABOUT IT GROWING UP ! _YOU_ MADE ME DO THOSE _THINGS_… ALL OF THEM ! I HATED IT _ALL_ OF IT ! »

But Illumi was still calmly looking at him, waiting for him to calm down on his own. He had no explanation for him, no regrets, no apologies. 

He loathed that empty look… 

He wanted to break him…

« I fucked Hisoka ».

And that did it.

He saw, for a fraction of a second, pain and even… fear. Killua finally found a glimpse of satisfaction.

« What did you say ? » His voice was ghostly. 

He knew Illumi heard him perfectly, he was merely giving him a chance to retract himself, to tell him he made that lie up to hurt him.

« I fucked Hisoka, I wanted to fuck him. _I_ went to _him _»

He was enjoying his revenge. Stirring the knife in the wound. 

Finally getting through that guarded man. Finally opening that shell and getting inside where he could hurt him.

Illumi’s aura became murderous. But Killua didn’t care, he wasn’t afraid anymore. What more could happen to him that he hadn’t gone through so many times ? His brother could go after Hisoka if he wanted. Kill him or get killed. Or they could kill each other. He didn’t care, they’d both deserve it.

« Where is he ? ». Illumi’s voice was barely human now.

If he knew he would have told him. « I don’t know ». He paused. « You’re going to kill him ? You know that’s what Hisoka wants ».

« Where . is . Gon ? » All the murderous energy was in that voice, punctuating every word especially that last one.

Killua short satisfaction was lifted instantly as fear replaced it. A cold shower fell on him drowning every bit of anger with it.

He had made a huge mistake. « No… don’t… Go after Hisoka. » A desperate plea. 

Illumi spoke with venom in his voice, his anger was now dangerously calm « I will, but first I will bring him Gon’s head. That was the deal. You were off-limit. And Gon was off-limit to me. Do you really think Gon would still be alive today if there wasn’t a deal ? » His face was a void of emotion. With only one thing left on his mind.

« Where is Gon ? »

Killua felt himself shiver, a bead of sweat rolling down his side, eyes dilated in pure panic…

_ No. Not Gon. _

« Illumi please… » He had to find a way to stop him. He knew the minute he’d step out of this room Gon would be dead. He would kill Gon and anyone who stepped in his way. No one stood a chance. 

Illumi ignored him turned his back to him and went to find his prey. He would find a way to trace Gon. He was used to not knowing where his target was.

Killua mind was trying to find something anything to say to keep Illumi here. Anything that would prevent him from going after Gon.

He acted on pure instinct and jumped on his brother. He knew he had opened his foot, blood spreading on the floor but he didn’t care. Barely felt any pain.

That sudden change of energy had surprised Illumi who for the first time, didn’t see Killua coming. He fell on his back, Killua pinning him on the floor with his weight. His eyes were wild.

Illumi stayed put waiting for his next move. He knew his brother was still no match for him, no matter how determined he was. Killua wasn’t ready to surpass him yet. Once he saw how powerless he was, he’d understand that everything he did was for his own good.

Gon had messed with his brother for too long now. Nothing could stop him from putting an end to his bad influence.

And then he felt lips on his own.

Killua had his hands holding his face and his lips kissing him.

Illumi’s hands automatically went to his waist, moved up his back and drew him closer to him. It didn’t matter if it was a trick, Killua had never initiated anything between them. His body was responding on its own. Overwhelmed by Killua’s lips and skin, and…

He was already undressing him. Turning him over to be on top of him and take pleasure feeling his toned muscles. He had grown stronger.

He let his hunger take over, kissing him, caressing his soft skin. He wanted him and Killua too. Nothing was ever going to get between them again.

Illumi pulled him up, and pinned him against the wall, wrapping his legs around him. Grinding his growing erection between his thighs. Making him feel how he wanted him, how he had missed him.

He relished in Killua’s soft responses. Feeling his eagerness with how his hands sought his body and how his tongue played with his.

Illumi started to unbutton his pants unable to wait. Wanting to close any space between them, becoming one as they always should have been.

But Killua wouldn’t have it this time. He pushed them off the wall and they fell on Illumi’s bed. Killua on top of him. He ripped his shirt off, tearing the fabric with little regard to it and then pulled brutally his pants down. There was still anger in each of his movement despite his growing want for him.

He used his new transmuter technique to transform the aura around his dick into lubricant. As he pushed Illumi’s leg up, he waisted no time entering him. Entering his shell and wanting to feel Illumi’s insides.

Illumi’s head went back in surprise but it was pleasure that took over.

Being filled by his brother broug ht him a sens of fulfilment he couldn’t have imagined being so good. He loved how Killua was pouncing into him. How he wanted _him_. 

His erection was getting painfully hard and his hand went to stroke himself.

« Don’t touch yourself ». Killua ordered.

Illumi’s hand obeyed.

Killua was trusting hard inside him, still wanting to hurt him. His aura was completely loose around him. Uncontrolled just like the rest of him. He planted his nails inside Illumi’ thighs. Knowing full well his relief was close. Too close. All these pent up emotions ready to explode out of him.

Illumi seemed to be also getting near, Killua gave him mercy by touching his erection. It only took him a few strokes for his seeds to spill all over him. Killua slammed into him a few more times before coming too. Panting in exhaustion.

He collapsed on his sticky brother chest, completely relieved of all tension. He was trying to catch his breath, feeling Illumi’s finger caressing his neck softly.

Now having found a sens of peace after letting everything loose. All those heavy issues had been freed out of their bodies. 

Somewhere during their antic. A truce was made.

« Don’t kill Gon ».

« Don’t fuck Hisoka »

« I won’t ».

It wasn’t the first time he tried to stay away from the clown. He failed each time. Somehow his road led him back to Hisoka every time. But now he knew to keep his mouth shut.

As Killua was slowly recovering, still lying naked on his brother' body. Illumi was caressing his back looking for any marks left by Hisoka. There was nothing that would last, his skin would go back to be perfectly smooth and flawless.

Illumi held Killua tightly, he was back in his arms now, where he belonged. He would stay here forever, by his side.

Killua wanted to get up to take a shower, but he felt so calm in his brother’s arms, listening to his now very slow heart beat. 

Illumi didn’t move either, too afraid to lose this precious moment, afraid his brother would escape him if he did.

« I’m still mad at you ».

« I know ».

« You betrayed me »

« I know »

« Are you sorry ? »

« I am not. Everything I did was for you ».

That same lame excuse. Make it sound like he didn’t have a choice. Almost like it was Killua’s own fault.

« I’m not sorry either ».

Hisoka was right, he was a spoiled brat.

Silence fell again.

Killua found himself wondering if Illumi also felt betrayed by him. He never made him any promises, but he knew how possessive Illumi was of him. He knew how important he was to him and how he wanted him for himself. But Killua felt little regret, he didn’t feel he owned him loyalty. He didn’t want to belong to anyone.

« You didn’t hate everyone in this house… » Illumi said in such a soft voice he almost thought he’d imagined it. 

He knew he wasn’t referring to himself. « I know » 

He remembered now. 

« Where’s Alluka ? »

« In the highest security cell, in the basement. » Like if he anticipated where this was going. « Only father has the codes. Even grandfather is not allowed down there ».

_Father_. That stirred more anger. He was an accomplice in everything that was wrong. He _knew_ about the needle. He knew about the needle when he made him promise to never betray his friends. He probably was hoping the needle would make that happen… and make him come back home as a failed friend. That betrayal hurt even more than Illumi’s.

Father was also the one that wanted Alluka locked up, away from Killua. Ironically, that had allowed Alluka to preserve her sweet and kind heart. They took her freedom away from her, but that saved her from the intoxicating darkness of this family. That house managed to create something good after all.

He took a decision in that moment. 

He had to get Alluka out of here, let her live the life she deserved. Let her discover the world with her innocent and curious eyes.

But first, he needed to be there for Gon. They had to get Kite. They had to deal with those ants. Gon was taking a dangerous path and Killua had to be by his side. _Sorry Alluka, I’ll have to ask you to be patient a little longer_.

Killua started to get up at that « I have to go back now ».

Illumi hooked his hand on his arm « You can’t »

« Please Illumi, Gon needs me. » He looked up at him. « I… I promise I’ll come back ».

Illumi contemplated that promise. Was Killua being honest ? Would he really come back of his own free will ? Everything would be easier if he did.

He pushed him gently on the mattress, his head over him, his dark long hair falling on each side of them, shielding them from the world. His hand caressed his face fondly.

If only he could keep Killua like this.

« What about Gon ? »

_After we save Kite, Gon won’t be needing me anymore… I’ve endangered him too many times now. He will find his father soon. Alluka is the one that truly needs me now, I’ll tell him I found my purpose. Our promises will be kept, our roads will separate. He doesn’t need to know the rest._

His heart felt heavy at those thoughts even though he knew it was the right thing to do.

He closed his eyes, resigned « I won’t see him again. He will probably be travelling with his dad. I just need to help him this one last time. Please ». He always found himself begging.

Even if he got rid of his family grip on him. Of this needle implanted in his head. He had still managed to put Gon at risk. Leaving him after saving Kite was the best thing he could offer. Biscuit was right after all.

Part of him thought that maybe everything would end sooner than they thought. Because even though he was determined to follow Gon in that mission, he wasn’t so sure they would leave NGL alive.

Illumi pressed his lips on his. To seal the promise.

Killua had someone to come back to this time.

And it wasn’t Illumi. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been on a roll lately and writing a lot. But I feel I need to slow down again and take some time off before next chapter (It's a hard one in terms of plots...).  
2-3 weeks maybe ? Can't make any promises. 
> 
> If you like my work, I posted a new story.  
It's a Ging/Killua love story. Very different from this one here. It's not underage or noncon.  
Here's the link : https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482075/chapters/56301085
> 
> Please leave your thoughts ! I hope you liked the shift in IlluKillu's relationship. I thought it was bold but necessary.  
Thanks again to anyone who likes my story, crazy ideas and take the time to read, leave a kudo or a comment.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the final one for the CA arc. 
> 
> It's a short chapter to wrap up how Killua and Gon went through the events.   
It's pretty much angsty as CA is in canon. 
> 
> Please enjoy !

Chapter 19 - Chimera ant - All dark

Killua was walking in the direction of the city. Carrying an unconscious Gon on his back. A body shrinked back to be frail and too light on Killua’s back. The irony of this situation repeating itself was too cruel for him to let his mind wonder on it. 

He didn’t know how long he would have to walk. How far he’d need to go to find help for Gon. 

After hours of walking, a vehicle pulled next to him. 

Palm had found them first. Knov and Knuckle were right behind. 

Her shriek told everyone this was no time to celebrate their victory. They carried Gon limp body inside the car. 

Killua stayed immobile. Barely having noticed that Gon wasn’t on his back anymore. That’s how light his body was. There wasn’t even the ghost of his weight left on him. 

The only weight he felt was in his heart. Gluing him into place. Incapacitating him from any action.

He felt a soft touch on his leg and his eyes moved to find Ikalgo there. Worry in his eyes. Did he also think Gon was going to die ? That they were witnessing his final breath ? 

« Killua, we need to get you in too. » his voice was trying to be strong for him. The little octopus almost looked grown up now. They all grew up too fast.

« Holy Shit ! » He heard Knuckle inside the van. And his voice triggered Killua back into motion. His legs moved on their own to find Gon. Gon was _still_ breathing, Gon needed him still. 

He sat without a word in the back. Palm, Melurion and Ikalgo were next to him, but he didn't acknowledge any of them. All were silent, looking at Gon's body degrading in front of them. Knowing they needed to head to the hospital fast.

« What happened to Gon ? » Knuckle asked Knov. Somehow, he figured Knov understood what had happened. Because no one had ever seen this before. No one should ever see a 14 year old in that state.

« He fought Pitou, that's what happened. He sacrificed everything to be able to… He is in the most critical state right now » He whispered, as if his words spoken too loudly would disturbed the body left in a coma. 

« Boy, I knew that kid was crazy but still… »

Killua had brought his legs close to him, pressing them with force against his chest. Air couldn’t find its way to his lungs anyway. His head was leaning on his knees and his hair were hiding him from the others. 

He couldn’t help but listen to them talk about how Gon was impressive. How he made the impossible happen by getting rid of Pitou. 

Bitterness found its way inside him. 

_They don’t get it… They don’t understand why Gon did this. He wasn’t fighting for the mission. He wasn't even just fighting for revenge… He was hurting. Gon was hurting. He… We didn’t do anything to help him, neither one of us. We failed him. We pushed him into Pitou’s claws because that’s what he wanted… But he needed… He needed his friends… He needed me…_

« Killua… »

_I failed him. I betrayed him. He was hurting, I knew it and I… I didn’t understand fast enough. I didn’t give him what he needed. I just followed him in his ordeal. I should have protected him from those feelings, I should have… I betrayed Gon. _

« Killua »

_I wasn’t there when he needed me the most. I was a fool again. Thinking Gon knew what he was doing, thinking I only needed to follow him. That is would be enough._

_Gon was hurting, I saw it, I watched him hurt. I didn’t know what to do… I let my own feelings blind me. _

« **Killua !!!** »

Killua snapped out of his thoughts. He looked in the front seat to find Knuckle with a concerned look on his face. « You alright kid ? ». 

His eyes were out of focus, he heard the words but somehow couldn’t process them. Nothing made sense anymore. 

He heard Knuckle sigh. « Hey, Gon is going to be fine okay ? ». Who was he talking to ? Killua wondered, still lost in his own mind. 

_They don’t get it… None of them do… _

« Poor kids… I don’t know why Netero decided to send them. They weren’t ready for this, it- it messed them up… »

Knov contemplated the situation. « No one knew what went through Netero’s mind… But this mission, was more than any one of us signed up for… None of us really knew what was going to happen. Not even Netero ». 

_Kids… _Killua heard that word. It was so foreign now. 

_We aren’t kids… I never was. But Gon was. But not anymore, he couldn’t have defeated Pitou if he stayed a kid. He was left all alone and he forced himself to grow beyond his years. Because we left him alone._

_I was always messed up, but Gon wasn’t. He had so much life. That mission… It killed Gon. His heart might still be beating, but it’s broken in a thousand pieces… Gon…_

« I guess no one could have stopped Gon anyway. That kids just never gives up huh ? » 

_They don’t understand. Gon _did_ give up. He gave up everything. That’s why he’s almost dying. He’s given up. _

And Killua gripped his legs tighter. His nails pierced his skin. The images were coming back to him. 

It all flooded back, drowning him. 

—-

The mission had gone pretty well in general. 

Gon was pretty optimistic as they went deeper into the country. He had moments were his anger blinded him, but it only took a few words from Killua or a hand on his shoulder to bring him back. 

Those moments worried Killua. It bothered him that everyone was impressed by his focused mind sending him in a tunnel vision mode. There was something selfish in that awe he did not like. It benefited _them_.

Because he wondered how good that state of mind was for Gon. Unlike the rest of the team, Killua didn’t care as much about the mission as he should. Gon's sanity was what worried him most of the time.

It went against all he had ever learned concerning a mission. He knew how it works when there are no feelings involved. That every one should have a clear role and it was each man for themselves. Because it was the only way to ensure success. There was no place for distraction, for mistakes. 

But feelings were getting in the way now. 

And Killua’s priority was Gon. The mission, for him, was to help Gon find peace again. And for that, they needed to bring Kite back, by any means.

So Killua stayed focused on anything that could south Gon. Like creating chaos inside the country. Enough to be able to save as much lives as possible. 

Before separating from Gon. Killua wanted to make sure that Gon understood the importance of him staying focused on the mission. He needed Gon to understand that he was there for him. To take care of anything that would trouble his mind so that he could focus on getting Kite back. 

But Gon didn’t seem to understand really. He got angry at Killua. « Stop patronizing me ! I know what I have to do. »

Killua bit back the words he wanted to say and left with a heavy heart. 

It was going well mostly. Killua had managed to create enough riots that many people escaped the selection. Gon had met Meloreon on his way to the palace who had the ability to disappear without any trace. A key element to their final plan to come. Knov had a golden opportunity to put portals inside the palace. 

But they had fallen into tough situation, like Killua almost dying at the hand of the ants twins. Knov facing a royal guard’s En in Zetsu state, making him abandon the mission. Morel having to do double the work, weakening him for the palace invasion.

They had managed to gather inside one of Knov chambers. Where they collected the rest of their strength. Waiting for the moment to strike. Timing themselves with Netero’s arrival. 

And midnight stroke.

The palace invasion had started. And time stretched in slow motion. 

Gon, mind focused, sprinting to take Knuckle place when the Dragon Dive hit the palace. 

Gon running in direction of the right wing, without turning back, without noticing Killua’s absence when he stoped to help Ikalgo. 

Gon on the roof, still not looking at Killua, eyes still focused on where his target was. 

Gon finding Pitou. 

His aura wasn’t Gon’s anymore. He was on the verge of snapping, of disappearing, of going somewhere out of reach. Out of reach to Killua. 

Killua was so afraid to be the one to fall too deep that it never occurred to him how much deeper Gon would go to get rid of his aching guilt. 

« You have it easy Killua, since it doesn’t mean anything to you. » 

Those words. 

They pierced him in the one place that hadn’t been broken yet. Where his friendship and love for Gon was held.

That distance that he willingly put between them, to protect Gon, to protect him from his darkness, Gon was now the one pushing him away from him. Gon was now the one embracing darkness and claiming it as his own.

At the time, he didn’t understand why Gon had pushed him away like that.

Now he knew. He didn’t want Killua to follow him. 

He didn’t want to take Killua into the darkness that took over his heart. They had more in common than he ever wanted to admit.

Gon didn’t know how much Killua was immune to horror and darkness. How ready he was to fall with Gon. Because Killua had hidden it from him. 

But Killua was not prepared to have Gon willingly drifting from him. 

Nothing had ever been easy for Killua. Maybe that’s why no one noticed him suffer. He was desensitized to pain. But he wasn’t desensitized to Gon’s words. Because Gon meant the world to him. Gon gave him the one thing he had been yearning for. Hope. 

It killed him inside to see Gon lose all hope. 

It killed his soaring heart to be unable to do anything for him in exchange. 

Killua couldn’t bring him back to light where he belonged. 

Because he was too dark to know the way. 

Wasn’t he ? 

He left Gon the space he had created. Thinking at the time that it was the only thing he could do for him. Until Palm gave him an unexpected gift when he thought of giving up. When the pain became too raw for him to move again. She gave him something he thought only Gon was capable of giving him. 

She gave him hope.

When one lights shuts, another one kindles. 

Gon couldn’t always be the light. It was selfish to expect him to be.

And that why Gon needed him. 

Not the assassin. Not the strategist. Not the hunter.

He needed Killua. His friend. 

When that realization sunk in. Gon was already gone to finally face Pitou. To bring Kite back. 

When he saw him move in the horizon and unnamable dread fell on him. He knew it was risky for him to follow. But his instinct told him Gon wouldn’t be able to obtain what he really wanted. Not this way at least. 

So when Palm alerted him of Pitou preparing for battle. 

Killua’s mind shot down. And he was gone. 

_Gon was going to die. _His mind kept telling him. 

_Gon won’t survive a fight against Pitou. _

_Gon was leaving me behind forever. _

Even Godspeed wasn’t fast enough. All his muscles ached in pain as he defied all his body’s limits to reach Gon in time. To be with him. 

An explosion appeared in the horizon as he leaped over the canope. 

Was he too late ?

When he finally made it. Nothing could have prepared him for the scene in front of him. 

Pitou, a puddle of flesh and blood, being hammered down by a large beasty figure with long black hair. An appearance that made him think of a combined form of his guardians. Silva and Illumi. 

That image was now carved in his mind and would haunt him for years to come. 

And then the figure turned and looked at him. And he saw those amber eyes that were always so soothing. Happiness had long disappeared, anger had dissolved too. All there was left was despair and pain. 

Killua swallowed, recognizing in them the pain he had been holding back. Facing it in Gon’s eyes so raw, the tears rose in his own eyes. He knew that feeling too well. 

The feeling of losing control over everything, the feeling of life being unfair to you, taking things from you and being unable to do anything about it except making it worst. Expect getting to the point where you fall so deep, that you rush to get to the bottom floor. In the hope that maybe it will start getting better… 

But it doesn’t… 

After the pain… 

There’s emptiness.

And he might have thought himself ready for it. But he wasn’t ready to see it in Gon’s eyes.

Gon should never be empty. 

Gon was full of life. 

Gon didn’t deserve this pain. 

« Killua… »

That voice. 

It echoed like a tiny light trapped in a blackhole. 

There was still a hint of life in Gon. And it came out calling his name. His friend. 

In that instant, the creature came back to life, animated by hatred and Nen to give a final blow. And Killua kicked back into gear to protect Gon’s life. He wasn’t dead yet and he wouldn’t let him die. He wouldn’t let him give up. 

A fraction second too late. An arm flew in the air.

« It’s all right. It doesn’t hurt.» Gon's voice was so soft, almost inexistant « I’m not pretending. I’m actually happy… Because now I’m finally like Kite was in that moment. » 

Gon hadn't been able to save Kite. 

And for that, he not only sought revenge. He sought punishment. 

Why did he think he deserved this ?

« Gon ! Please ! Stop before- » 

But he didn’t listen anymore. Gon went to finish Pitou with all the aura he had summoned with his Nen vow. 

A final Jajaken. 

_Gon was going to die. _The mantra came back to his mind. 

_Gon wasn’t planing to survive his fight against Pitou. _

_Gon was leaving me behind forever._

**« GON !!!! » **His voice broke in that scream. 

Gon turned to look at Killua. 

A final farewell. 

Tears fell from those eyes. 

_Please… Don’t leave. _

The light of the explosion blinded him. All became white. 

And then all became black. 

—-

Gon couldn’t see, he couldn’t hear or feel or smell. For someone used to rely on his senses, the darkness around him was a frightening state. 

He wondered if that was death. Nothing to be able to grasp your mind around. Nothing to give you any sense of space or time. Emptiness for eternity. 

But he somehow still had his thoughts, and with them his memories. 

He remembered when they entered East Gorteau with Killua. How everything was still light in his heart, because he was confident they would succeed. 

He remembered When Killua went to alert the villagers. How he was reminded of how useless he truly was. Of how much of a burden he was to Killua. For some reason, his feeling came out as resentment. 

He remembered feeling guilty about it, especially since he had lost contact with his friend for a couple of days. Making him worried again of what might had happened to him. Away from him, a place out of reach.

He remembered the feeling that took over when they entered the palace. How he sealed his heart so his mind would stay focus. His senses on full alert. 

He remembered feeling Killua leave him right before finding where Pitou was. He knew Killua would eventually catch up. 

But then, his memories became blurrier as he got closer to the subject of his obsession. Words have been said, words meant to push away because he knew he was moving towards a path too dark. That Killua had suffered enough of the darkness and that he needed to distant himself from him. Or else he would follow. 

Or else he wouldn’t be able to do what needed to be done. 

Killua always knew how to stop him. 

But he didn’t want to stop. 

He remembered the cold he felt on his back, when Killua left him in the tower. He didn’t think of it too much back then. Knowing it would falter his will to pursue his revenge. 

He remembered thinking it was for the best. That Killua needed to stay away from him. Because he didn’t know if he would come back, and for once, he didn’t want to force Killua to do anything. 

And he remembered, how hopeful he still was to find Kite, how there was, despite everything else, the belief that he could be saved. Only to have that hope taken away from him. 

His heart closed up, his mind only managed to make one vow. « I don’t care anymore, give me the power I need. »

Because he was alone, like he had asked. Because it was _his_ fight. _His_ responsibility. _His_ fault. 

But he wasn’t enough for the people he loved. He wasn’t enough to save anyone. Kite died before him, he couldn’t save Killua from his demons. All he was left with was a creature on whom he could maybe unleash the wrath for this unfair world. 

He had been told he had potential. But what was the point of potential if the moment he needed power the most, he couldn’t harness it. 

So he sacrificed it all. 

To at least avenge Kite like he deserved. 

Because he was alone now. He left Killua behind him. He left everyone behind him. He believed they would all do better this way. 

Didn’t his father figure that out when he was born ? 

But he wouldn’t leave without making sure he accomplished his mission. He had one task, one purpose. Pitou. 

As his gigantic hands smashed into the skull of the miserable creature, he remembered how unsatisfying revenge was. How empty he still felt. How lonely he still was. 

Until he heard his name.

A familiar voice. That woke him long enough to set eyes on Killua. 

Killua. 

He remembered looking at his friend wondering why he seemed so hurt. Had someone hurt him ? Who ? Who did this to Killua ? 

Before he had the time to answer those question. Killua was only inches aways, saving him from Pitou’s reincarnated puppet. 

Even with all the power in the world. He still needed Killua to save him. 

He had to make him feel better. Had to stop those tears. Only then he noticed Killua looking at his lost limb. He reassured him, it didn’t hurt. He wouldn’t even have noticed it if it wasn’t for Killua’s worried eyes. 

It was ironically beautiful he thought. How he would leave this world the same way Kite did. 

He felt lucky to say his goodbyes to Killua. Because he would miss him. 

When he was ready to send the last blow and finish his last work. He heard his name again. 

He knew who it was, but he barely recognized the horror in the voice this time. Was he really the one causing Killua so much ache ? 

He remembered the emptiness, but he also remembered something building up at the last second as the last thing he saw was his dear friend. He felt tears fell down his eyes. 

_Please… Don’t leave me… _

The impact was so strong, he felt all the pores on his body snap. 

And then all became black. 

He was lost. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this wasn't easy to write honestly, that arc gives me the feels!!!
> 
> Next chapter is the last !   
(If it's too long I might split it in two)
> 
> I can't believe this is coming to an end ! 
> 
> Share you thoughts and feelings ! Thanks to all of you reading this !


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So its been a while and I've been struggling to wrap up the story.  
And it kept getting longer and longer... So here's the first part of the last arc. 
> 
> Please enjoy.

**Chapter 20 - Election arc part 1 - Change**

« How’s Gon doing ? » Knuckle was at Knov’s side, near the alley leading to Gon’s room in the hospital. They had managed to give Gon first aid to keep him alive once they reached the capital of the Republic of Rakario. He was then quickly transferred to one of the top hospitals of the world, in Swardani City, the same city where the Hunter Association was. 

« Nothing changed, he is stable at least. The doctors don’t seem to know what to do. » He was obviously worried for Gon and was ready to do whatever it took to save him. 

Knuckle sighed, looking at the now shut doors. He had come to see Gon a few times, but the sight was a tough one. He found himself staying by Shoot’s side most of the time. Not knowing how to be of any help for Gon. 

« And what about Killua ? Did he even move ? »

Knov inhaled loudly, he obviously had been trying to act on Killua’s case too with no result. « He didn’t, he hasn’t moved, changed or even eaten. It’s been over 30 hours now. » 

« Should I try to talk to him again ? » Knuckle tried. Looking for any way to help.

« And tell him what ? That Gon will be fine ? He isn’t a kid anymore. We can’t lie to his face or tell him what he should do. » 

It wasn’t meant to be harsh because it was the simple truth. Knuckle swallowed, understanding that they couldn’t treat Killua like a child. Not after what they all been through. 

They’d just have to wait for him to bounce back on his own. 

—-

Killua had been passing the last events in his head like a movie on repeat punctuated by the beep indicating that Gon’s heart was still beating. For now. 

But what haunted him the most, was Gon’s tall and muscular figure, how wrong it felt. And his eyes. 

Killua closed his own, trying to push that feeling down. Away from the present. 

Because right now, Gon’s life was hanging on by a thread. And they needed to fix this. 

Killua needed to fix him. 

He got up to take one last long look of his friend's body, covered in a white sheet like they had him ready to put in the grave. 

« Nothing has changed. You run head on and I follow and clean-up behind you » Killua said gazing through the window at Gon’s form as if he could hear him.

Only everything had changed, Killua realized when he saw a glimpse of his own reflection in the window. Gon ran too far for Killua to follow. And Killua didn’t want to follow. Not anymore. He couldn’t, because Gon wasn’t the only one who needed him even though he was still the most important person to him. 

He wanted to make Gon apologize to him. Admit he had been too far, that he couldn’t expect Killua to just accept him punishing himself like that. That he didn’t mean to push him away and that… 

The realization was bitter. Killua wasn’t any different. If anything, he was worst. Because he was still hiding himself from him.

Tears gathered in his eyes, blurring his vision once more. Guilt was eating him and he let his forehead fall on the window, watching the drop of salty water fall on the windows frame. 

He had been so wrapped up in his own torments that it blinded him from Gon’s own suffering. Had he been less enwrapped by all that mess, would he have been able to be a better friend ? Was Gon’s state his fault ? For failing him ?

He knew what had to be done and it would maybe finally allow him to redeem himself. He needed to save Gon one more time and in the process, save Alluka. 

But if he was going to be there for Alluka. He couldn’t make the same mistakes again. 

He heard the doors open and he straightened up, rubbing aways his tears with his forearm. 

« Killua, I talked to the doctors and they will do whatever it takes to bring back Gon. » Knov 's voice was sterner than ever. He obviously also felt he needed to do something. Maybe he also felt guilty. 

When Killua looked up, there was no more hesitation or fear. He knew what had to be done and he wouldn’t let anything falter his determination. 

His eyes pierced into Knov as he said « I’m the one who will save Gon. » 

And he left Gon’s side at the hospital. His feet guiding him to his own redemption. 

—-

On his way to the airport, Killua crossed paths with someone he wished would disappear from this earth. 

« Well well, are we also being a dutiful hunter and voting for our next president ? » 

Killua almost hadn’t noticed all the commotion at the Hunter Association. He knew Netero had died fighting the Ant King and that it left the Association in disarray but hadn't care to learn about the rest. 

« Get out of my way Hisoka. »

Hisoka pouted « I thought we were past those rude words. You could at least say hello. » 

But Killua ignored him and was going to pass him when he felt Hisoka's hand on his chest slamming his body against the wall. « Aren’t we acting like a spoiled little brat » 

Killua's eyes crossed Hisoka's and he saw in them real annoyance and anger. It was comical really, to think that Killua could make the clown react so strongly with his indifference. They weren’t in a very crowded space but a few head did turn to look at them. 

« Isn’t that what gets you going ? » He smirked, somehow even pinned against a wall with little possibilities to escape, he still felt like he had the upper hand. 

Hisoka gave him back a small smile, eyeing him suspiciously. He straightened up, letting loose of his grip.

« So I guess it is true… Gon is really dying » he simply said. 

Killua didn’t need to ask how Hisoka had found out. The news was probably spreading amongst the hunters but he knew exactly who had told Hisoka. 

Illumi. 

Even after finding out what Hisoka and Killua did, Illumi had too few allies to get rid of Hisoka this soon. He tried to imagine how that conversation must have gone, finding some humor in this. 

Hisoka crossed his arms, looking at Killua with piercing yellow eyes « And are you really going to risk your own life to save him ? »

Killua looked to the side, still pressed to the wall, he couldn’t help but feel content to know things neither Illumi or Hisoka suspected. « What if I am ? » He looked up, a little teasing smile « Would that make you sad ? » 

« I don’t like losing my toys so stupidly » Hisoka was impassive. He wasn’t showing his annoyance anymore but he clearly wasn’t enjoying the direction this conversation was taking. 

He was about to take a hold of Killua, for what thought, he wasn't sure. But Killua didn’t let it happen this time, he used godspeed to move away from the clown. 

In the blink of an eye, Killua was now a good 5 meters away from Hisoka. 

Excitement flashed into Hisoka’s eyes when he turned to contemplate Killua’s new form. 

« I don’t really care how you feel about it. » 

Hisoka felt a little tingling inside him. Enjoying the double meaning of that last statement. But he finally sighed, accepting he couldn’t make Killua do anything, not with Gon’s life on the line. 

« How can I help then ? I do want Gon to survive this ». 

« Keep Illumi away. I don’t care how you do it. » His answer was simple enough. 

« Fun ! » Came the clown's response. « And what do I get in exchange ? » He still wanted a taste of the boy, especially now that he had these new features. 

« Nothing. You already got paid in advance. » 

And Killua was gone. He didn’t really care if Hisoka would help him. He knew what he had to do to save Gon and Alluka. And he would stop at nothing to succeed. Not even fighting his brother. 

—-

Killua passed the testing gate after almost two years since the last time he crossed them. 

His heart felt a mixture of dread but also eagerness to be by Alluka’s side. But before he could get to her, there was one person he needed to confront. Someone that he had trusted blindly like any child would. 

He always felt anger for having had to grow up too soon. Having had to act like an adult, do things he hated, sought things he shouldn’t have… But now, he felt it gave him the strength to face his father not like a dutiful son, but an equal.

If he was still perceived as the heir, it was because they wanted him to lead. Well, Silva would soon regret ever trying to mold him as he wished while acting like he didn’t have an active part in it. 

Silva was the Zoldyck’s leader and for some reason, he had pushed away that fact to replace it by a loving father figure. 

Nothing happened without him knowing, how naive of him it was to think he truly cared for him like a normal father would. Even if he did believe there was some love behind all of this, it was too twisted in self-serving desires to be redeemable. 

He opened the door to find his father, at the same place he last saw him. 

A mirror of the past. 

Silva hadn’t changed. But Killua did. 

« Where’s Alluka ? » 

His father stayed still, observing him intently, his sliced eyes taking in his new confidence and boldness. There was a certain satisfaction from Killua, to see his father trying to find the way to put him back in his place. Of him not being completely submitted and infatuated with him.

« Locked up where it should be. You shouldn’t look at Alluka as family, it isn’t human. » 

If he had any doubt in his father’s true self, it would have crumbled now. Anger built up to a point it alerted his guard dog. It only took a word from Killua to make him sit again. 

« You are wrong, all of you, if Alluka hasn’t changed, she’s the only one that can save Gon and I’m the only one that can help her. »

Silva took in his words quietly, his chin propped on his fist. There was no change in his expression. « I can’t allow it. Alluka is too dangerous.»

I’ll beat you at your own game. He bit his thumb, letting a string of blood roll down it and pointing it to Silva. « If I have the power to save a friend, and I don’t do anything. Doesn’t that make me betray them ? »He said. A reminder of an old promise. It had made his heart swell back then. Now he wanted to vomit. 

But nothing mattered anymore, he would get Alluka free. And if his ordeal was what could make this happen, then it was all worth it. 

Silva got up reluctantly, having realized he had been cornered but still giving him the caring father act. 

Because that was his weakness. Silva’s act revolved around him never dropping that role. Making everyone else, his mother, Illumi, do his dirty work for him while he maintained that privileged relationship. It made sense now why Xeno was the only one he didn’t have problems with. Xeno was the only one Silva couldn’t boss around. 

They walked in silence through the maze that was the lower levels of their mansion. The air cooling around them as they went deeper. 

After passing 7 security doors. Killua finally saw her, amongst her dolls and plushies, just as cute and innocent as any one of those toys. How could a place like this exist in such a dark mansion. 

When their father left, closing the door behind him. She jumped into his arms with little restraint. 

How many years had it been since he last saw her ? His memories of her, how they played together for hours, how she’d run after him and him after her. It all came back to him, in little bits here and there. And now, seeing her, hugging her, smelling her, everything fell back into place. 

She had grown so much, yet she was the same. His little sister. 

He once told her, he would offer her the world. And today, he would take the first step in that direction. 

___

After getting way Silva to let Alluka leave with Killua, they were on their way the hospital. 

Killua was setting her a tablet to show her a few fun videos while Gotho and Amane were on guard for any danger. Canary had been designated as the driver.

He trusted both Canary and Gotho, but he wasn’t sure what to think of Amane and her Grand-mother who was off following them away from Nanika’s wishes. She seemed to mean well, but she was under his father’s order, meaning that in the end, his words were above Killua’s. 

Illumi hadn't been at the mansion when he was there and Killua was bracing himself to meet him on his path. Would he be teaming up with Hisoka ? 

He had expected to someday confront Illumi, to have to officially show him he couldn’t control him. That he didn’t hold power over him anymore. But he didn’t expect it to happen like this. Over Illumi wanting Alluka dead. Seeing her as nothing more than a threat. 

The Illumi he would be facing, wouldn’t be the gentle one, but the dutiful Zoldyck. Silva was using Illumi once more to act for him in his stead. The Zoldyck children were all pawns and that is what Silva expected Killua to become : the mastermind behind the next generation of pawns. 

« Master Illumi » he heard Gotho say, and immediately sensed Amane tense up next to him. So, even though father didn’t have a direct problem with Illumi’s plan, it still wasn’t his preferred scenario. 

He took the phone, not sure how to prepare himself to hear Illumi’s voice again. 

« Killu…» 

He stayed mute. Only thinking of keeping his cool not to betray himself in front of the butlers. 

« This is not the way it should be Killu. Don’t make me fight you.»

« Fight me ? I’m not making you do anything. This is your decision.»

« This thing will kill us all.»

« You know nothing about Alluka ! » He couldn’t help but yell at that last part. Illumi’s coldness was easily forgotten when it was just the two of them. But he was still a cruel person. Incapable of thinking or loving normally. 

« Is that so ? What do I not know ?»

Killua bit his lips. How stupid of him to hint he was hiding information Illumi didn’t have. Now he had stupidly made Illumi more determined to get to the bottom of this. 

« I won’t let you have it your way anymore, Illumi. If you go after us… I won’t hold back. » Alluka’s freedom and Gon’s life came before everything, even his fear. 

« So this is how you want it…» 

He didn’t get to hang up, the car turned abruptly to avoid crashing into a truck, sending them down the cliff. Killua grabbed Alluka to protect her frail body. Only seconds passed before huge metal poles pierced their car as it fell down the forest below. Illumi wasn’t kidding. He was already there and that phone call was Killua’s last chance to change his mind. 

They all managed to get out of the car safely. This attack could have easily killed Alluka, but neither Killua nor the butlers risked anything with that blow. His target was Alluka and the feeling of betrayal was overwhelming. 

That Illumi would want to stop him was expected, but why did he hate Alluka so much ? To the point of wanting her dead ? Was their only place for one person in his heart ? Before turning away and trying to get to the hospital by foot, he felt Illumi’s bloodlust at the top of the hill. 

And there, he saw another figure next to his brother. Hisoka. 

It was ironic, how these two got their partnership back so easily with the goal to stop him. But they clearly each had their own selfish interest. Illumi wanted to kill Alluka, because he had no power over her and Hisoka wanted to save Gon. And maybe stay on his good side. 

But there was no time to waste. And he had a chance now, to run from those people tasked with the mission to monitor him. 

And he took it. He ran away from them, his sister on his back and godspeed pushing his limits. Maybe Illumi would be distracted by the butlers long enough for him to find a means to get to Gon faster. 

\---

After many bumps on his road, Killua and Alluka were finally just a few kilometers from Gon. Only a 20 minutes car ride with Hishita, their Zoldyck chauffeur. 

But it was only an illusion of relief because after having seen the state of Hishita's pinned face, he saw the silhouette of his brother walking slowly in front of them. 

« It can’t be » Killua muttered to himself, holding Alluka tight. He wished he could have faced Illumi in some other circumstances, with Alluka safe. 

They both slowly got out of the car, Alluka's tiny frame in his arms. A herd of needle men surrounding them, and Illumi in the middle of them all. A serious look on his face. 

Part of him wondered where Hisoka was, wouldn’t he be there to make sure Illumi didn’t kill Alluka ? 

« Let us pass Illumi » 

« I can’t. I will not let this thing kill our family, Killu.» his lips barely moved, like a ventriloquist's perfect act « I can’t let it destroy _us_.»

The way he emphasized on the word « us » was clearly not meant to be the family… But Killua and him. 

« Alluka is my younger sister, I won’t let you treat her like an object. » Killua spat out. « If you talk about her like that again, I… won’t consider you my brother anymore.» The threat was clear. A Zoldyck couldn’t kill a family member. If Illumi could resent Alluka to justify his murder, Killua could also play that game. 

Something flickered in Illumi eyes, a quiet anger. « If you so desperately want to use it to save Gon, then have me die for the wish. I would gladly give up my life to ensure our family’s survival. »

There was no sign of emotion in either Illumi’s voice or his face anymore. He was back to being the perfect first son, the one that obeyed for the sake of a family’s name. Killua gripped Alluka harder at the simple idea of Nanika killing Illumi. Fear creeping inside.

As much as he was angry with Illumi, as much as he would be glad to beat him at this game, he didn’t want Illumi to die. Not when it wasn’t necessary, not when Alluka wasn’t a risk like they all believed she was. 

Tears filled his eyes as he saw how desperate his family had made Illumi. There was nothing fair about any of this.

« Illumi, don’t make me do this. Let us go, Alluka is no danger to the family » _ Or us_. 

« Make you do what ?» 

Killua swallowed hard. Could they pass Illumi without revealing another crucial piece of information ? Without asking for Nanika’s help ? His head dropped to look at his feet, holding his tears in as best he could « Don’t make me choose.»

In that moment, Tsubone showed up with Amane, sensing a heavy discussion had been going on, they kept quiet on the side. 

But Alluka went to ask for her second and third requests and when Nanika appeared, Killua noticed Illumi tense up immediately. 

Their eyes met and Killua saw in his brother’s eyes a form of resignation. Did Illumi really think he would go as far as to kill him ? When had everything become so complicated between them ? Why couldn’t Illumi understand how painful all of this was to him. 

In an desperate act, Killua made his wish. 

« Nanika… heal Tsubone ». 

It surprised all of them. « Master Killua, this was your chance. » Tsubone even voiced out but he ignored them, letting Nanika get closer to Tsubone to hold her hand. Killua stayed close, still aware of the needlemen and Illumi's gaze on them.

Once the wish was fulfilled and Nanika was satisfied with Killua’s attention. She fell asleep in his arms. « Nanika is the kindest of us all. She never asks anything cruel after a healing wish. » He was stroking her hair, letting his tears fall down. It was so unfair to Alluka and Nanika. They were the one that had to pay for people’s cruel and selfish wishes. « It’s the person that wishes that is the corrupt one.” He added, making sure Illumi understood him when he looked up to him. 

Illumi stayed mute. That new information was making its way in his mind and Killua knew he only made him more curious as to what else he was hiding about Alluka and Nanika’s power.

« Fine » He finally said. « If healing Gon doesn’t risk your life or any member of our family, then you can go. But I’m coming with you.» 

Killua couldn’t hide his surprise from his face. « What ? »

But Illumi ignored him and looked at Tsubone and Amane « Can you drive us to where Gon is ? » He asked them. 

Tsubone’s face showed her surprise but she knew not to say a word. She simply nodded to Amane to get in the passenger seat, she got Hishita’s lifeless body out and took the driving seat. 

Illumi went to open the door for Killua to get in, he waited for him to get his composure back and watched him walk slowly with suspicion to the inside of the car, Alluka still asleep in his arms. He made sure to place her gently on the back seat and sat next to her, leaving a single place for Illumi who got in afterwards, closing the door. 

The ride was mostly silent and uncomfortable until Illumi’s hand grabbed his. Killua let Illumi trace his knuckles with his dumb softly, his hand offered to him a peace offering. Their eyes didn’t meet during the rest of the ride but Killua knew that Illumi didn’t want him to leave his side, neither now nor when Gon would be healed. 

\---

The doors to Gon’s new chamber opened and the shape under the white sheet still held that same form. The beeping echoed loader in this square room that Knov had accommodated for them. 

Illumi wouldn’t leave his side while Killua waited for Alluka to wake up. Tsubone and Amane had respectfully stayed outside to keep guard, for who now though, it wasn’t clear anymore. 

Killua stroked Alluka’s hair as he watched her chest move up and down from her slow breathing, he was thinking how little time Alluka had awake when he felt Illumi's heated figure get closer to him. He still hadn’t uttered a word and but he wrapped an arm around his waist and Killua leant into his chest, his eyes flickering on the floor tiles. 

Once upon a time, this was all he would have wanted, to have Alluka by his side and to feel safe in his brother’s arms. But now everything had changed. 

Illumi seemed contempt with his brother in his arms but Killua was making his goodbyes in his head. His eyes filled with tears knowing in his heart that this was the last time he’d succumb to his brother. 

Alluka stirred awake and he got up gently leaving the heat of his brother’s broad chest. He guided her to Gon’s bed, holding her tiny hand while Illumi sat still, waiting to see how exactly Killua had planned to safely save Gon all along. He had probably figured it out though by now, that he had a bond with Alluka that was unique to them alone. 

Once in front of Gon’s shape, Killua took the time to explain the situation, promising her he wouldn’t leave her side again. He wondered while giving his words if Illumi heard him and if anger or jealousy crept inside him while he was giving to Alluka what he had always wished for from Illumi. 

When Nanika appeared to fufill his wish, she asked to touch Gon in order to heal him. 

The sight of his lifeless arm made his stomach turn and he couldn’t hide his distress in his face. Too much had happened, too many horrible things happened and led them to this moment. A crippling young boy that was once full of life. 

« Please Nanika… save Gon » his voice was a mere whisper, it took everything he had te let that command out of his contracted chest. 

« Kay »

—-

« I’m not coming back home Illumi. It’s over. » 

Alluka had fallen back asleep after healing Gon. They were now a few rooms away from Gon’s recovery one, he couldn’t face Gon yet. Not without finishing this once and for all. 

Illumi's hands trembled. « You promised » His voice was hollow.

Killua put Alluka gently on the bench and stood up to face Illumi. Summoning all his courage, he was so tired. 

For his sister but also, for himself, he needed to be clear once and for all. « I am no longer an assassin Illumi. I will not be the heir. I have no reason to come back. » 

A pause in which he saw Illumi’s eyes shine ever so strangely. « You can’t leave. This is your destiny Killua, only you can be the heir.»

Killua shook his head. He had wanted to be done with this toxic family for so long but he never expected to feel so much pain at finally being able to free himself from their clutch. « No. »

They stayed like that looking at one another. Never having truly understood how the other felt. And suddenly, Illumi made a move, his aura built up and he jolted towards Killua, his face a blank canvas.

Even though he had long lost the pin in his head, he reacted with fear when he saw Illumi come to him with such speed. He wasn’t strong or experienced enough to stop him from forcing him to do anything. 

Killua closed his eyes, expecting an attack, expecting pain, expecting punishment but all he felt was arms around him, holding him tightly like a castaway to its safety line. 

He held him for long seconds that then became minutes. Hoping to defy time itself for he would stay eternity like this if he could. 

It was all too much for Killua and he wrapped his arms around Illumi. 

« Illumi… please… let me go » Killua’s voice was so low and soft, it reminded him of his childhood. The one he took. 

Stoic and silent as ever, Illumi just kept holding his brother, unable to utter a single word. He couldn’t. But he had to realize now. He wasn’t in his head anymore, he couldn’t be in his body anymore and he was barely in his heart. 

Killua's forehead was on Illumi’s chest as tears were falling freely down his cheeks. How many times would he show those emotions for the both of them ? 

He looked up and his hands found his way around his neck. He pulled his head to his, to try to find something in his eyes. « please Illumi ». 

« I did everything for you Killu… »

Those words again, so chilling and yet, he knew they were true. He knew Illumi believed them more than anything. He couldn’t see it in his eyes but he was hearing it in his voice, he was grieving, as if Killua leaving was just the same as him dying. 

Killua closed his eyes and leaned his face towards Illumi's. Because he knew it was finally over, because he was leaving and regaining power over himself. Because he could without feeling forced to, he pressed his lips on Illumi’s surprisingly soft ones. 

Killua couldn’t use words anymore himself, he resorted to their own language. Conveying his goodbyes in that intimate touch. With everything they have gone through, they have never been as close as in this moment. 

Illumi's hands lost their grip on him and fell to his side. He looked at his young brother and thought that maybe a part of him would survive in his heart after all. Killua’s heart was that big, it could even fit his eldest brother.

Killua really was the strongest Zoldyck. He could sustain both pain and love. 

« Thank you ». Killua whispered and took a step backward, eyes still filled with tears. « Nanika » and the little figure behind him rose. « send Illumi home ». 

Those were the last words Illumi heard from Killua before he was gone.

Killua stayed staring at the empty spot for long minutes, with Nanika’s soft voice asking to be patted on the head. He felt numb, his heart was aching and his legs couldn't hold him up anymore. 

He slowly fell to the floor, looking at his hands and watched his tears stain his clothes and roll on his hands.

« Killua… pat my head.» 

It was over, yet the pain was so vivid. All these years of trying to hold it together of yearning to free himself. He could finally move forward but seeing Illumi disappear...

« Killua…»

It hurt. 

« Killua… pat my head »

Those words made him choke up and he turned to hug Nanika, with all his strength. 

« Nanika... could you... could you heal me ? »

Nanika stayed silent. Her childlike mind couldn’t understand that command. What wounds did Nanika need to heal ? Her big dark eyes couldn’t see the pain. But when she squeezed him back, it was clear she felt it. 

« Please Nanika, heal me »

Killua’s body shook in Nanika's arms, unable to control the despair that was taking a hold of him. Hoping desperately for her to close his bleeding heart. 

A sob echoes between the tall walls, Killua’s pain was an open gate and he couldn't hold anything in any longer. His hands clutched at his sister's dress, his breathing becoming erratic between his sobs. 

Nanika’s voice couldn’t be heard anymore. He had confused her into silence. But he then felt a hand on his head. And a tiny bit of hope appeared as he believed she would grant his desperate wish and heal him with her magic. Giving finally the relief to move on from his ache. 

But nothing happened. The hand on his head started to pat him gently and Nanika’s sweet words found their way to Killua’s heart. « Killua... suki » 

A sob got stuck in his throat before he grabbed at Nanika tighter.

The hand on his head stayed there and started stroking him gently this time. Trying to soothe Killua. « Brother, I’m here now, don’t worry, Nanika and I will be with you from now on » came Alluka's sweet and tender voice.

The sister that was taken from him. Now miraculously back in his memories and in his arms. He would hold onto her.

After crying some more, letting everything out. He found his own voice. 

« I’m the one who should be saying that »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know how I feel about this chapter...  
I loved parts of it (cried a little a the end ! XD) but I struggled to not lose myself too much in the canon arc. So let me know how you felt about it. 
> 
> Next and last chapter will wrap up Gon and Killua's relation. 
> 
> I hope you still liked it overall ? Please let me know.  
Thanks for the kudos and comments. I really appreciate every single one of them.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it... I'm both happy and sad ! I've put so much into this story and saying goodbye to it isn't easy. But I am proud it's done !   
And like I mentioned on the first chapter, this helped me deal with my own issues and there's also that contributing to the emotional factor... 
> 
> So once again, I appreciate every comment, kuddos and hits this story got... When I started, I didn't think so many people would take the time to read such a messed up story.   
And yet, over 300 kuddos... I'm so grateful.   
Thank you so much, I am blessed !

**Chapter 21 - Election Arc part 02 - Healing**

When Gon woke up in his room. His own body felt foreign to him. 

He had images in his head, confusing images of dark eyes on a white face hovering over him. It would have been a scary memory had he not felt Killua’s presence by its side. 

When Gon woke up in his room. He found out he was completely alone in a place that didn’t seem like a normal hospital bed. Everything was blindly white and he wondered if he was really awake, if this was the white tunnel people talked about.

He blinked a few times, his eyes being the only part of him that seemed to obey his command. 

Slowly, the numbness in his body subsided and he started to hear some noises outside the machines echoing around him. He managed to turn his head in direction on the sounds. 

Knov came through the wall that turned into a door, followed by Knuckle and Morel. 

His heart swelled with happiness at these familiar faces. It felt like he hadn’t seen them in years. He couldn’t hold back a grin as he slowly managed to get up on his elbows to greet them. 

He had so much to ask them. He had no idea how their own battles had gone, how he had ended up here. Where was  _ here  _ ? But he couldn’t help but notice that one face was missing and he was afraid of the reason. 

«GON!» came Knuckle’s strong and deep voice as he passed a hand over his hair. It felt good to be near his friends again. 

He still wondered where a certain white hair boy was but his throat felt dry and the questions stayed stuck inside. What happened ? Where was this place ? Where was Killua ? 

Knov immediately offered a bottle of water to Gon. «You seem to be doing fine, but before anything, the doctor will come to do some check-ups on you. It really is a miracle» He added that last part mostly to himself. 

By the time the doctor was here, Gon felt the energy built back in his body, he was able to sit up completely without the feeling of weariness taking over. He was even getting eager to leave this space. He let his feet dangle out of the bed first and took his friends in for a short moment. 

« so… what happened ?» He finally was able to ask. 

Knov and Morel looked at one another and Morel was the one to step in. Explaining everything : Netero’s death, the ant’s annihilation, Kite’s resurrection, the state of East Gorteau… and Gon’s fight against Pitou. That last part though, they had limited information about the details. « Killua is the one that was with you when it all happened » He concluded. 

But Gon didn’t need to have that part of the story told to him. He remembered it too vividly now. The aching pain of being the one who caused Kite’s death, how shattered he was when Pitou announced she couldn’t do anything. How he, without a second thought, was willing to lose everything to avenge him. 

And Killua. 

Killua’s arrival, too late or too soon, he wasn’t sure. He hadn’t wanted Killua to follow him there but he also couldn’t imagine holding on for so long if it wasn’t for Killua. His scream before his last Jajaken was still echoing in his mind. Guilt again came back to him. This time, it tasted differently. It wasn’t his lack of power that made him hurt Killua… It was his rashness to gain too much power. How ironic. 

« Where’s Killua ?» he asked, having phased out the rest of the explanation. 

Morel gave a look to Knov and Knuckle behind them, looking wary. Gon worried immediately, had something happened ? 

Knuckle's hand fell on Gon’s shoulder, as if he understood Gon’s train of thoughts « He’s fine, we just don’t know where he is right now. He said he’ll be back soon.» 

«Oh» Gon let out. The answer seemed loaded, like they were withholding information. To preserve him ? Or to protect Killua ? Neither made him especially happy. 

«But there’s a bunch of people out there waiting for you !» Knuckle offered and at that, Gon felt his heart warm up. He had really missed everyone. 

They guided him outside where he saw many familiar faces, people he hadn’t even seen in so long like Melody, Biscuit and Goreino. Relief took over at the sight of Palm who had been turned but was still the girl he had met weeks ago. 

After a few hugs and some quick catching up, Morel put his big palm on his shoulder, shaking him in place, a big smile on his face “There’s even more, come on Gon.” 

And Morel, Knuckle and the rest of them guided him to the Hunter Association. He wondered why they’d take him there but he found himself hoping he’d see other familiar faces. Maybe Wing-san or even people he took the exam with. 

«The hunters are voting for the next chairman right this moment, everyone has been worried for you» came Knov’s explanation. 

When the doors opened, showing a crowd of people sitting in the auditorium, he noticed a few people on the stage seeming like they were all in the middle of something important. But a tall figure caught his eyes immediately. 

«GON !!!» screamed Leorio and without hesitation, Gon jumped into his arms. How long has it been since he last saw Leorio ? Tears filled his eyes as the thought of having died without seeing him again filled him with dread. Perched in his arms he could hear Leorio sobbing in his ears. He realized just how worried he must have been all this time, Leorio had such a warm presence. 

When he finally slid down from Leorio, the people’s cheering was making him dizzy, proposing he should become the next chairman. That suggestion felt absurd in Gon’s ears, but his eyes fell on Dwug and List from Greed Island and they pointed at a silhouette that was somehow familiar. 

_ Ging Freecs…  _

His eyes grew wide. 

His long quest to find his dad, to see this man for himself, understand what made him become a hunter and leave for adventures. His challenges to make him grow stronger as he heard the great deeds Ging had done from the people who had actually met him. 

It felt strangely too easy, yet it made sense to find him like this, without ceremony. He felt relief to see the end of his long term quest yet that opened the gate to so many emotions. The strongest of them being guilt as he remembered Kite and how his death was caused by his inexperience. 

Tears started flooding down his cheeks as the first thing that came out of his mouth when finally facing Ging were apologies. It didn’t matter that Kite was resurrected in an ant form… He was still at fault. 

Had he not been so lost in the tsunami of his emotions, he might have noticed Ging acting uncomfortable. Might had heard him trying to ease him up with empty words until he finally said what had been eating him up since failing Kite. «It should have been me» 

That made Ging react strongly, silencing Gon with a simple glare. 

«This is not true.» Gon took in a breath waiting for more as his eyes still overflowed with tears and his nose was getting stuck with snot. «Kite didn’t take you along just to make you happy. He took you along because he believed in your capacity, the fact that he underestimated the enemy isn’t your fault.»

«But… I…» 

«You were too weak, so learn from it. Surviving a mistake shouldn’t be a reason to complain. It’s an opportunity Gon.» Ging was suddenly someone else completely, stern and confident. 

Gon rubbed his eyes,  _ those words _ . He had been yearning to hear them without even knowing he did. Was that what a dad was supposed to say ? Or was this just Ging. 

«It’s Kite you should be apologizing to if you feel any remorse.» Ging added, crossing his arms. 

Gon nodded, Ging was right, Kite was the one that needed to hear this. 

«You do know how to apologize to a friend don’t you ?» 

He never really knew there was a way to apologize. He was probably going to repeat the same rambling he offered Ging. 

Gon shook his head wanting as much advice he could get from Ging. 

«You promise to not make the same mistakes a second time. That’s how.» Ging pointed to the door, indicating his lecture was done and Gon needed to own up to his words now. « Now go !» He added for good measure. 

People around them started to complain about Ging’s coldness toward his son, it made Gon smile awkwardly. He didn’t find Ging’s behavior odd but that was mostly because he had nothing to compare it to. To him, this moment was significant, no matter what anyone else thought. 

Gon fidgeted in place, wanting to find Kite and get everything off his chest while Ging was talking smack to the people booing him. 

His words made him want, no, need to find Killua and apologize properly to him too. 

He looked up to Ging «I’m going to find Kite now, but… do you think we could maybe hang out later ?» 

He wanted to hear about Ging’s adventures from him and he hoped Ging would want to hear about his own quests. Not that he was looking for creating a father/son bond, he wasn’t delusional, but it didn’t mean Ging wasn’t important to him, to his hunter journey. He couldn’t end it like that. 

After getting peer pressured Ging agreed to wait for him. 

The famous hunter was known to be flaky, but Gon trusted his word. He left confident that he would get a chance to talk some more with Ging. 

\---

After talking to Kite and getting a message from Ging that he’d be at the World Tree, Gon was finally able to get a hold of Killua. They had given each other a meeting place in the city near the World Tree. 

Gon had been there earlier, to brace himself to finally see Killua. Killua, who was always by his side. It felt like years had passed since they last saw each other. 

He was nervous, going through the apology he had prepared, wanting it all to be perfect and clear. 

But his racing heart wasn’t just out of nervousness, he also was eager to see him. Eager to rekindle their friendship. He was planning to take him to meet his father. After all, if Gon had made it this far, it was with Killua’s help. He had to be by his side again when he told Ging all about their adventures. 

«Gon !» 

That voice, it had been too long. He turned quickly, almost giving himself a whiplash, smiling brightly to meet his best friend. He was about to run to him when he noticed Killua holding the hand of a girl. A girl that had the same blue eyes Killua did, though she seemed a little younger. 

Gon stayed mute, his momentum gone. All the words he had prepared vanished from his mind and was replaced by curiosity. 

«K… Killua…» He stuttered. 

« Hey » Killua had a genuine smile on, one that lit his eyes. He looked calm, composed which wasn’t odd for his best friend, but he seemed more happy and that made Gon’s apology sound out of place. Did he want to bring it all back ? 

«This is my younger sister, Alluka, she was…» He hesitated to find the right words. «Sorta stuck at home and I helped her get out.» 

«Oh.» Gon blinked before getting back to his senses.«Oh ! Hi Alluka ! I’m Gon.» 

The girl looked happy to meet him, she reached to grab his hand «I know !! Killua told me so much about you ! I’m so happy to finally meet you !» 

And Gon gave her a huge smile too, Alluka really did have similar eyes as Killua, they vibrated with so much life. At least the Killua, the hunter, did and when Gon looked back to meet his friend’s eyes, there was no trace of the Zoldyck in his eyes. He didn’t seem tormented. 

Something must have happened while he was out. Something changed and he wanted to know.

«I heard you finally saw your dad ? Did you know Leorio punched him ?» Killua snickered while Alluka tried to hide her giggles behind her tiny hand. 

«What ?! He did ?» And they instantly started catching up and having fun. 

It was getting late now and the access to the tree wasn’t possible anymore after 6pm so the three of them found an inn to stay the night in. They had a big room with three beds that were pulled together. Even though the window was big, it offered no view of the city, only the inside of a narrow alley where garbage was stocked and cats fought over left-overs. 

Alluka took the bed closest to the window, she raised her arms to stretch and yawned her tiredness. Her and Killua had held hands during the whole day and even now, Killua was always a few feet from her, making sure she had all she needed. 

«Do you want me to close the window Alluka ?» He asked her while she went under the covers. 

«No thank you. I can see a little bit of the sky, I like that. » 

Gon watched Killua sit on her bed and tuck her in, his hand went over her bangs and the look he gave her was so endearing. It was new to Gon to see Killua like this, like a responsible and dedicated brother, but it didn’t seem strange at all. Killua always had the kindest heart, he just had the harshest life. 

Alluka was evidently very tired as she fell into slumber almost seconds after Killua tucked her in. He got up and looked at Gon, an unreadable expression on his face. « Do you need to take a shower ?» 

Gon shook his head no and he saw Killua take a towel and close the door to the bathroom. 

They had spent a beautiful day all three of them, but there had been times where Gon wanted to tell him how he felt, how he knew he messed up against the ants. But the occasion never came, Killua didn’t speak about NGL or East Gorteau at all, Gon wondered if he didn’t want to talk about it in front of his sister.

So once she fell asleep, he had hoped he’d get a chance, but Killua seemed less open to talk suddenly. 

Gon went to sit on his bed, he took his shoes off and then lied down looking at the ceiling and listening to the water of the shower. 

10 minutes passed and Killua finally came out. «I’m glad I finally got to shower ! I’ve been running around for a few days» he said, drying his hair with a small tower. Gon knew he went back home to get Alluka, but he didn’t know the details of how it all went. Was it as bad as the time Kurapika, Leorio and himself went to get him ?

Gon’s eyes followed Killua’s movement and he saw him get ready to go to bed. «I’m spent» He said, letting a long sigh out before collapsing on his bed, in between Alluka’s and Gon’s. 

«Killua ?» Gon decided to ask. 

«Hmm ?» 

«How did it go… when you went back to Kukuro's mountain ?» 

He saw Killua turn his head to look at him. «Better than I thought» he started, his eyes were serious. «I convinced them to let me take care of Alluka. Which I will from now on.» 

Gon nodded with a faint smile. «that’s nice» but he somehow felt sad. 

\---

At least an hour had passed, the sky was now completely dark and the streets had quieted. 

Gon knew Killua was still awake, even if his eyes were closed.

He suddenly felt an impulse, his hand reached killua’s in the darkness and killua's body stiffened immediately but he didn’t open his eyes. As if being touched so often like that became ordinary. His body having lost the capacity to resist unsolicited touches. Having made his goodbyes to Illumi and turned his back to Hisoka didn’t erase everything. 

« Do you mind ? » came Gon’s soft voice « I don’t want to make you uncomfortable... I just... » but Gon didn’t find his words. He didn’t know what came to him when he decided to spontaneously take his hand. He had missed his friend, but he felt Killua's reaction. It pained him to make Killua feel this way, he really didn’t want to cause him any discomfort.

Killua had never been asked such a question before, no one ever cared how he felt about being touched... or used. « I don’t know » was his honest answer. He cared for Gon deeply, knew he could trust him but his hand did grow sweaty under his and he did want to take it back.

Before he had a chance to figure out how he really felt about Gon’s touch, the latter had retracted his hand on his own. « I’m sorry » he simply said.

Killua turned his head to look at Gon, he couldn’t see him in the dark very clearly but he knew his eyes were avoiding him, he couldn’t see the glow that was so distinctly Gon’s.

« It’s okay, I just got surprised ». He hadn’t meant to make it personal, Gon didn’t know what he had gone through and he wasn’t planning on telling him, not now at least. 

He heard the drapes being gripped and knew somehow Gon was struggling with something. « no... I mean, I am sorry about taking your hand without permission... but I... » his voice was shivering now and the pain in his friend's voice was digging a whole in Killua's heart. « I’m so sorry I hurt you killua when we were in front of Pitou ! » his voice was raw with emotions as sniffles followed those words that were coming out fast and painfully « I was so angry... at myself for being so useless... so powerless and I said things I didn’t mean ! I didn’t mean it ! »

Killua was holding his breath, taken aback by Gon’s sudden outburst.

« I was so angry that I couldn’t save Kite... and I knew you were struggling with stuff and I couldn't help you... And when we were finally in front of Piton... I... I messed everything up instead! And I hurt you! You didn’t deserve it! You... you ‘re... my... »

Killua felt grateful for the moonless night... because when he closed his eyes he let his tears fall down freely, not having the will to hold them in anymore.

« Your best friend » he whispered to himself. He managed to keep a controlled voice, still hiding part of himself, still not ready to be completely vulnerable in front of Gon.

Gon stopped his sobs for a moment, taking in Killua's words, wondering if more would come. He needed more... it was never enough... he needed so much more words from Killua. He couldn’t stand this distance anymore. 

« I’m the one who didn’t know how to help you Gon... »

« That’s not true! You were always there and... »

« You did hurt me.» Killua closed his eyes and took a deep breath « But you also did help me a lot »

Gon fell silent. Any capacity to speak has been taken away from him. He didn’t know until now how much he has been craving these last words. He forgot what he wanted to say, his hand twitched a little, wanting to feel Killua's skin under his fingers again. But he stopped himself, knowing Killua needed his space.

Killua turned away from Gon to look at his sister, fast asleep next to them. « If I hadn’t met you, I would have ended up at the Zoldyck mansion... Alluka would still be locked up »  _ I would still have that needle in my brain and I would still be desperate for Illumi's toxic affection. _ « you helped me find my courage, Gon »  _ you gave me strength. I would have done anything for you. _

« I was angry when you decided to go after Pitou on your own, it hurt when you left me behind, but what hurt the most was that you were willing to die so easily »

Gon knew all that now, his anger blinded him. Seeking the control he had lost, trying to believe desperately that his unfaltering will could make the impossible happen. That he had what it took to save and take care of the people he loved. On his own.

« I couldn’t see anything anymore... I got so lost... »

« I know Gon. I knew how much you were hurting too... and I just wanted this chance to be able to repay you for what you had done for me... maybe I was a little selfish too ».  _ We both were. Maybe we are still kids in the end. _

He paused to gather his thoughts « I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m not angry at you and I understand... I really should be thanking you instead Gon.»

There was something final in his words. This  _ thank you _ should be making his heart swell, only it sank deeper into his stomach. 

_ Repay you _ .

His eyes filled with tears once more, Gon dared to ask « Can I hold you ? »

A breath.

« No, You can't » killua allowed himself that answer.

Seconds past and Gon felt tightness in his heart, like he was being strangled by invisible hands. He couldn’t understand that answer. He didn’t want to accept that answer. « Why did you allow Hisoka to touch you ? » _ and not me ? _ He wanted to add but didn’t.

Killua's head snapped at Gon in surprise. Of all the reactions he was ready to hear, he wasn’t expecting Gon to have realized what had happened between Hisoka and him. « How- How did you know ? ».

Gon wasn’t sure what Hisoka and Killua did, but Killua’s voice had so much fear that he understood it was something that he didn’t want to know the details of. But he did want to know why Hisoka ? « I just had a feeling something was up... and I figured... » he deliberately didn’t finish the sentence, not wanting to let on he wasn’t aware of the details. « So... I'm right ? »

Killua closed his eyes, memories of his carnal activities with Hisoka flooding down on him. His skin crawled and he felt bile move up his throat. He couldn’t undo the past, he had to accept it now. « Yeah... ». He admitted. 

« Why Hisoka ? »  _ Why did you let him ? Why can’t  _ I _ touch you ? _ Why did Gon want to touch Killua so badly ? To close the space between them ? What was he yearning for ?

_ Why Hisoka ? _ The question resonated in Killua’s head. Because he felt like he deserved it. Because he felt so dirty that only someone like Hisoka would ever touch him. Because he had some sort of power and will over him. Because it was so much easier to let himself fall deeper than to rise to the unattainable ideal he made of Gon.

« Because I’m messed up Gon » his voice cracked a little at the mention of his best friend's name.

And they remained silent, a ditch forming between them.

Gon was just as messed up. Wasn’t he ? So why couldn’t they be messed up together ?

—-

The next day, Killua was back to his big brother role with Alluka. 

The morning sun was their silent cue that the previous night conversation shouldn’t be brought up. But Gon still felt heavy inside, something he hadn’t expected after finally giving his apologies to Killua. 

Finding out that Hisoka had a bond with Killua felt unfair to Gon. He remembered, the first time he met Killua, how he had stated that they were alike. Gon didn’t understand back then, he still didn’t see it. Killua was selfless while Hisoka was selfish. But maybe Hisoka had life experiences that were relatable to Killua. 

Maybe there was so much more he didn’t know about Killua’s past. He hoped someday Killua would share it all with him.

Gon gathered his stuff to join the siblings down the stairs, they were heading to the World Tree right after breakfast, the access opened at 9 am and he wanted to be the first ones there. 

They walked in the direction of the tree, Killua and Alluka holding hands, Gon smiling at them. He vaguely wondered if Ging would still be up there or if he would find yet another piece of paper telling him to find him somewhere else. 

« It’s so huge !!» Alluka exclaimed with her sparkling curious eyes, looking up and pointing at the tree that reached the skies. 

They passed the first gate when Gon felt Killua halt next to him, he turned to look at his friend. 

« Killua ?» 

Killua looked down then at his sister before raising his eyes at Gon. « This is it Gon.» He said plainly. 

Gon blinked a few times before understanding «You’re not coming ?» 

Killua had a sad smile on «I can’t… Alluka can’t climb that tree and I promised I would never leave her again.» 

Gon paused, wanting to say something, but it made sense. He should have known, they were parting ways… that had always been the deal. It was always bound to happen, he just kept hoping it would be postponed more «Yeah, of course.» He forced a smile. 

Killua’s eyes showed sorrow, he hesitated before speaking again «Gon, I’m really grateful for everything… for your friendship… It changed everything.»  _ It changed my life _ . 

Gon teared up a little and had to blink some more to keep them in. « No ! I’m the one who’s grateful, without you I wouldn’t have made it this far ! I wouldn’t have… » And he couldn’t stop his tears from falling this time, he dropped his head, not wanting to be such a mess. It was the end of their journey, Killua found something that would make him happy, something he deserved to have… And Gon finally got to the end of his own journey, He should be happy but he was mourning inside. 

Having to say goodbye hurt.

Gon heard Killua leave his sister's side to stop a few inches from Gon. And then he felt warm arms wrap around him, a hand moved up to brush his hair gently. Killua's warmth gave Gon some peace of mind, Killua would always be his best friend, even if they had their own issues to face, they had been there for one another and will always be. 

They stayed in each other's arms like that, remembering all they have gone through together, thinking of how different things will be from now on. It was needless to say they would miss each other dearly. 

From over Killua’s shoulder, Gon saw Alluka smile tenderly at them. 

«Thank you Killua»

This embrace finally filled a little of that gap between them. 

—-

Once Gon was out of sight, Killua and Alluka went back to the inn together, Alluka noticed her brother’s eyes were red. She knew how much he cared for Gon and how much esteem he had for him. 

The way Killua thanked him, it was obvious he thought highly of him. It pained her to see how he didn’t seem to believe the opposite was just as true. 

Killua had been through a lot while she was locked up. She probably will never know the extent and wouldn’t ask him to revisit his past… but she understood enough to know that Killua struggled with thinking he was a good person. That he was worthy of people’s love and friendship. 

« I’ll go get us some snacks before we head back out ? » Alluka proposed, she had noticed some chocorobots on the counter of the front desk. 

Before Killua had the time to protest, she was out the door leaving him only capable of adding «If you aren’t back in exactly 7 minutes, I’ll be fetching you back !»

The door slammed and Killua couldn’t help having a proud smile. He suspected he’ll have many occasions of worrying about her, but he liked seeing her taking initiatives too. 

He went to sit on the bed, thinking back at his last conversation with Gon with a heavy heart. His hand clutched at his shirt, trying to rub the ache away. 

Even after all was said and done, even if he was excited to travel with Alluka, something felt amiss. Gon had been a big part of what kept him sane and moving forward. What made him stay on the right track, most of the times. But Gon had his own demons to fight and Killua wasn’t enough for him. He gave him back his life as a parting gift giving him a sense of payment for his debt to him. 

Killua still had too much things to deal with to be the friend Gon needed. 

Like his feelings towards Illumi, it was hard to admit, but cutting ties with his brother made him somehow lose his bearings. Illumi’s words, the ghost of his touches, it had all been a huge part of how he grew up, of who he’d become, even when Illumi became his antagonist. 

It was soothing to think Illumi would always be there even if it was wrong and that loss was still confusing and still painful. He didn’t regret his choice but there was a void now inside of him. 

He needed to built himself up piece by piece. 

Alluka came back, interrupting his train of thoughts. She had many snacks and drinks in her arms, barely managing not to drop any of them. 

« How did you get all that ? » Killua knew for a fact Alluka didn’t have that much pocket money. 

« A nice man bought them for me ! Look, I got chocorobot for you ! » She dropped all the food on the bed grabbing the chocolate and giving it to him. 

Killua ignored the chocolate, worry having taking a hold of him. « A man ? Alluka, you can’t talk to strangers like that, he could have been a bad guy, you need to be careful ! » 

« I know brother, I was, but he said he knew you, he knew your name » 

That information did little to calm Killua,  _ a man who knew me ? God, please don’t let it be Hisoka. _

« He gave me that for you » And she took a piece of paper from her pocket and stretched her arm to give it to him. She seemed pleased with herself. 

He looked at the quickly, realization creeping through, then ran to the window. He looked right and left to try to spot him, and then, he saw him, at the far end of the street.

_ Ging. _

That silhouette… Gon really took from his dad. 

And from afar, he saw Ging raise his hand saluting him without even turning. 

He looked at the paper. It had a fast drawing of Ging’s face smiling, with a bubble that said « thanks ». 

Killua's shoulders dropped with relief and he smiled. So Gon and Ging had finally met and talked their heart out. 

_ My pleasure _ . Killua thought to himself. Ging seemed to have figured it out somehow… That’s what the top hunters are like. He couldn’t help to understand in that brief moment why so many people had admiration for him. 

« Brother… you know I love you no matter what right ? » Alluka’s voice was hesitant and it made Killua perk his head up, grabbing his full attention. 

« Of course Alluka, I love you too. You and Nanika. » 

She played with the fabric of her dress, looking sideways before catching his eyes and feeling more determined. « When I was locked up, I wondered how long it would take for you to come back… »

Killua gripped the paper and couldn’t stop the guilt from seeping through once more « I’m sorry Alluka, I… I couldn’t remember you… I should have tried more… I’m sorry »

She took a step forward, shaking her head « No brother, that’s not what I meant. Before they locked me up, I saw the training you were going through and what it was doing to you. I was young, but I knew you were suffering, I knew they kept you away with torture and mind games. Inside my room, I knew that the reason you didn’t come to find me was because they were doing horrible things to you. So I couldn’t wait for you to come and get me because I knew it would mean you would have found your own way out too. »

She came even closer and took his hands in hers in a soothing manner. A lot of different emotions rose inside Killua and admiration was definitely one of them. When did his sister grow up so much ?

« Brother» said Alluka « I know you feel guilty about what happened to me and you think you deserve what they did to you. You think you are what our parents and Aniki made of you… But… you are wrong. I remember you were kind to me when no one was. I remember you played silly games with me patiently. You were and still are a caring brother » She smiled fondly, memories flooding back, her eyes getting teary « you would always remember what toys I liked and find a way to bring them to me. I always looked up to you and I can’t forgive them for letting you believe for a second you were made to be a bad person.»

How could she have known so much ? Had he been so obvious, he was trying hard to be a good big brother, to not burden his sister.

After crying himself out in her arms, he promised himself to stay strong for her.

«During my confinement, I never doubted you would come back. I knew you were strong enough for that. That's what kept me patient all this time. I never blamed you »

Killua swallowed hard, knowing full well how much he blamed himself for everything. 

«Don’t doubt how good you are. Don’t confuse your pain with your true nature. » 

She paused at that, seeing her brother's eyes water. 

« None of this pain is your fault, you are a good and kind person. I know it just like Nanika does.»

They squeezed each others hands, her words were so soothing, it was hard to accept, but maybe if she repeated them a few more time he would believe her. 

« And Gon know it too.» Killua’s eyes widen at the mention of Gon, accepting Alluka’s love felt easy, but hearing that Gon felt this way too, it wouldn’t register, he couldn’t help but feel like shit whenever he thought of Gon.

« Gon gave you his friendship full heartedly not just because he’s a kind heart that didn’t care for your past. He befriended you because he too saw your true nature, how amazing you are. He knew he could trust you and wanted to share his adventures with _you_.»

She took back the piece of paper to look at it. 

“That man down there told me to say this to you. « Tell your brother, I’m grateful my son got to meet him. Not because he saved him more than once during his journey, which I am thankful for, but because Gon gained a special friend that not only gave him courage but inspired him to push through. No one is invincible, everyone needs good friends ». 

_ Fuck _ . Killua though, he tried to rob his eyes from his building tears, he didn’t want to be so weak anymore. He couldn’t blubber all the time like this.

Alluka opened her arms and hugged her brother it took only a heartbeat for him to hug her back. 

« Don’t worry big brother, you don’t have to pretend you are completely healed, but you will be, with time. I am here to make sure of it. »

As Alluka let her brother cry in her arms, Ging’s words came back to her. 

  
  


_ « Now you take care of yourself kid ! And look out for your big brother, you are a strong one too. Both of you.» Did that man know about Nanika too ? «Oh, and make sure he calls Gon often ! ».  _

_ Alluka beamed at him « Of course ! ». _

_ Ging smiled, that kid had great potential, the world needed people like her. « Hey, tell you what, if you ever need anything.». His hand reached his pocket and he held another piece of paper « Here’s my card. I only give it to special people. Keep it hidden. I trust you. » _

_ And he left the inn, his hands in his pocket. From behind, he looked like any other man, but she knew it wasn’t the case. He had that same aura people like Gon and Killua had…  _

  
Upon meeting him, she first thought it was weird he’d ask  _ her _ to tell Killua all of that. But it did feel right for his little sister to tell him. And also, she kind of felt he was a shy man who liked to keep to himself… 

Not unlike a certain brother of hers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So final notes...   
I wanted to leave everything open, like the anime did.   
I will let you decide if there's more to Killua and Gon's feelings for one another.   
(I love Killugon, but this story wasn't there's, but I can't not hint a little a it). 
> 
> I don't think I will write more for this story, so if you want to know how I envision the rest of it, you can ask me in the comments and I will be glad to share my stories headcanons.   
I hope you appreciate this ending. 
> 
> Check out my other story too if you want, it's more of a niche really... KilluGing !!!   
I might be the only weirdo writing this ship seriously. It's a big age gap story, very very loosely inspired by Call Me By Your Name. It doesn't have any problematic thematics like this one (except the big age gap, but Killua is an adult in this) and its more a real world story. 
> 
> And I will never say it enough, but thank you for making it this far.   
Without all of you, I might not have finished this story.   
Take care of yourselves everyone.


End file.
